Older husband - how big a consideration should early widowhood or caring duties be?

EmilyHarburn, May I respectfully ask if you enjoyed your holiday ?

Think probably it’s down to how good your relationship is, and whether you are prepared to be possibly a long term carer . If you meet in later life there may only be a few good years ahead, but in reality no one can predict the future. Also maybe if there are children on either side what is the relationship like with them.
Practical things like sorting wills and power of attorney are quite important so that everyone knows who gets what and who chooses the care and controls the finances. Moving into a partner or spouse’s property could give you worry if you don’t know what would happen in event of illness or death.
Take your time and talk things through, don’t let your heart rule your head.

A good friend of mine met an older divorced man at work and married him. Their marriage was extremely happy until he became ill. She cared for him for as long as she could and then he had to go to a nursing home. It’s been hard for her and the 2 children they had together. She will be 70 next year and has been alone for some years now.
Also an ex colleague of mine married a woman who is 17 years younger. They had 2 children but he found the early years exhausting. She wanted to go out all the time but he liked a quiet life at home. Eventually she met a younger man in a nightclub and they divorced soon afterwards. It was difficult for them both really.

ByTheBeach, sometimes accidents/ illnesses happen to folks when they are young age doesn’t necessarily come into it, it is perhaps rather more about being there for the people we love & care about / or not.

Why don't you just live together and see if you develop love and true friendship. please don't apologise for your question, this forum is for open discussion...

My neighbor cares for her husband who has dementia. She denies that he is ill at all and regularly sends him out to 'help' other people and drive long distances. I am now beginning to think being his full time carer is having a detrimental effect on her mental health. We now know that being this specific kind of carer is especially tough and more support to carers could be a life saver to them.

He has dementia and drives???

The OP said in a subsequent post
My sisters had some concerns and said they really don’t want me to go through with it as I will end up a carer or a widow when I should be enjoying my golden years. They insist there are so many men my age that I could marry.

Am I the only one who thinks the sisters sound like pains in the neck and should butt out of what is none of their business?

I married at 51 to a man of 71 with a degenerative neurological illness I provide care and expect widowhood but he is the love of my life and I love being his wife ! My schoolfriend was widowed this year she was married to another schoolfriend so is experiencing widowhood before me If you have doubts then don't but don't let age gap stop you if you love him

I don't think there's any measure AT ALL for this age gap thing! I know friend who struggles with DH a mere 5years her senior, why? Because he's like his dad and thinks women's are there to do his bidding and he's got so much worse as he hit his 69s !! He's in 70s now and friend is still very attractive and very young at heart, but feels married to a Victorian! So it's all about the person not the number! Look at sir Tom Moore! A wonderful modern man with a very young family but loved to bits for himself at 100!!

Any of us could get killed / disabled at any time

My DH is 15 years older than me, yes I do sometimes think of what happens if / when I get left on my own but life’s to short to make decisions this way if you truly love someone

janeainsworth

The OP said in a subsequent post
My sisters had some concerns and said they really don’t want me to go through with it as I will end up a carer or a widow when I should be enjoying my golden years. They insist there are so many men my age that I could marry.

Am I the only one who thinks the sisters sound like pains in the neck and should butt out of what is none of their business?

Absolutely yes!!

Some people are old at 20 some young at 80. Anyone can become dependent on another at any time throughout life.
My DH fractured his back 20 years ago and I planned how to alter our house whilst sitting by his hospital bed. He made a good recovery thank goodness and the plans were discarded.
I, personally, wouldn’t remarry, I’m too old to house train another husband. I might have a toy boy though (of any age)?

Redhead56

If you can't bear to be away from him and your heart flutters age will not matter. None of us know what's around the corner so enjoy your life.

I absolutely agree with this. If you are thinking about stuff like caring duties then he is not the person for you/you are not the person for him.

Bythebeach

I’m not trying to be in poor taste at all, it’s all been rather whirlwind! My sisters had some concerns and said they really don’t want me to go through with it as I will end up a carer or a widow when I should be enjoying my golden years. They insist there are so many men my age that I could marry.
I posted here, yes on a forum where I know no one, but where I could access an older generation who perhaps know the outcomes of marriages with such age gaps, or their own personal anecdotes.
I don’t know anyone to ask in real life who may have any real experience with this. I apologise if I’ve caused any offence.

tell your sisters to butt out and go and live their own lives.

bikergran

Met when I was 19 dh was 20 yrs older, he died when he was 79.he had health issues for many years but he stilled tried to do things, but the last 5 yrs of his life did go downhill.

Then one day he came downstairs said "I think it's time I went"

Went back upstairs on his stairlift, got in bed, stopped eating drinking, he was tired and weary. 10 days later he died,
Would I do it all again? yes..but with a few tweaks here and there. that was 7 yrs ago now.

Oh bikergran I couldn’t just pass by your post without my heart going out to you. Well done you for coming out of the experience well.

Maybe there is more to consider here, my friend is 5 years younger than her partner of 69 who has resorted to being a typical old man, happy to potter along, watch TV, rise late, spend ages in his dressing gown, not interested in holidays, days out, meals out etc. She now finds him boring and has said that he would be happy in a retirement home seeing out his life being cared for with little to do. She is healthy, still works, has a circle of friends and really dreads the days, especially Christmas holidays cooped up with him. They have dogs but he never walks them or goes out with her when she walks them. So it's not just about being a carer when health issues arise, it is also about life and living that you need to consider.

My husband was 4 years older than me . He died suddenly 14 years ago when I was 54. I really wouldn’t think about age difference when getting together with someone.

Difficult to answer when we don’t know your age or circumstances. I think the ops sister is just looking out for By the Beach, especially as this relationship is a “whirlwind” .
I do think that past experience is important though. Do you share the same interests? My husband is 14 years older than me. Physically he is very fit , but he is very much older than me in his attitudes , and this is becoming more apparent as the
years go by. I really wish my sister had not “butted out” and had given me some advice.I w ould rather have married a man my own age with no baggage .

My husband is 11 years older than me, it's me that is ill and with disabilities not him (though he is slowing down now).

My youngest daughter was married at 16 years old (don't ask, it was very complex), and ,her husband is 24 yes older than her, but it's her that is very severely disabled (her home is totally adapted for her and she does also have live in carers).

Don’t think it’s only older husbands that may need looking after. I’m only four years younger than my husband….. who , at 50 years old had a stroke . I was 46! I was a wife for 25 years! ……. I’ve been his nurse/carer/servant/slave for the past 24! Looking forward to my 50th wedding anniversary !! NOT!

It's wise to consider all the options, but I wouldn't sniff out the chance of a few years of happiness because of an age difference.
He would have to be someone very special, though.

Need to consider inheritance etc if you marry and buy a house together. I knew someone who married a much younger woman when his wife died. He then died soon afterwards, leaving everything to his new wife and excluding his children who were obviously very upset.

I don't know how old you are, but I do know that I, at 66, would never consider marrying again, even if they were the same age as me. I do not want to be cooking someone's tea and caring for them as they decline. I don't want to have to cope with someone's dementia.

I reckon I have another 20 years if I'm very lucky. Once this bloody virus is over and done with, that will hopefully be 20 years of caring for dogs and cats, travel, fun, friendship and laughter. I am happy to pass on the romance.

None of us know what is round the corner.I was very happy with my husband,he was 15 years older than me.We liked the same things,age didn't matter,then everything changed when I was 58,he was 73,he became confined to a wheelchair,then he got lung cancer.He was in a care home for his last few years,he passed away at 81.I wish we could have had more good years together,I know men the same age as my husband would have been,85, who are still active and enjoying life,so it's not just about age,some people are just luckier than others.