Friend constantly wanting to see us

My aunt who used the coat as an excuse also had another ruse for a coat. When the mobile butchers and fish man came around she used to put on an old fur coat that had been in the family she reckoned she got better produce ,no one could see the pinny she always wore underneath.

Recommend a hobby to her. She needs something to occupy her mind. You can't be at her beck and call or you yourself will end up with health issues. Or say you're trying to get more exercise which is why you didn't answer her prev texts. Your outside walking

If you choose not to answer the door, you could say you were busy in the garden and didn't hear the bell/knocker.

If they do visit, after an half an hour keep looking at your watch and then say "Well, we'll have to do this again some time. But now I've got an appointment at ........., or we have to go out now". I'll text you in a few weeks perhaps." And stick to that.

If she texts you and it's inconvenient just reply with "Sorry not very convenient for us. I'll get back to you sometime." But don't. When that happens half a dozen times she might get the message.

I'm sorry but I feel you're being very unfair on this friend. She does you the courtesy of messaging you first to make sure it's okay for them to come around, and you say it is! You then let them stay as long as they like, and when they leave is up to them. Both of these things will give the impression that (a) you're pleased to see them and (b) that you don't mind how long they stay. And now you're moaning about them, when they have no idea that this is a problem for you! (How could they unless they're mind readers??) I think the real problem is your lack of assertiveness. When she messages you have to be truthful and say "sorry it's not convenient at the moment, can we see you next week instead" or similar. No explanations needed. It sounds like you just want to see less of them (rather than not at all) so this should help cut down the visits.

I don't think you could use Covid as an excuse now, if you have been letting them visit for the last several months

You may not be comfortable telling lies and clearly don't want to be unkind. Could you
* sometimes reply it's not convenient and, if you want to explain, say you're doing something that you genuinely do have to do (even if it wasn't actually urgent)
* suggest a weekly walk or some other activity that you want to do anyway and kill two birds with one stone
* tell her Covid has affected everyone's well-being and you've been reading up on it and have decided to do some more hobbies/ learn something new and get a better balance of activities. You've read connecting with friends is one thing that helps but you need to balance it with other things, so some days you'll be meditating/sewing/doing an online course. Pick something you actually might do. This is also an opportunity to pass her some literature or websites about " the five ways of wellbeing" or similar which could give good advice to her about her mental health. All the better if it includes information about local activities or professional services which might help her. It might give the opportunity for her to discuss her issues. (doesn't mean you need to have all the answers but could listen and suggest some things from the literature)
* as others have said, arrange a time to have them call or meet at a cafe a couple of weeks in advance and reinforce it will be nice to see them on that day so they don't expect to see you before then
* ask her to help with a specific one-off task. She'll feel valued and you'll get some help!
Hope you find a strategy that works.

We had a relative who was single and often at a loose end so he would turn up anytime . He could have bored for Britain and sat for hours when he visited so we got cunning. If we got time to do it we hid and I got so fed up one time I went into another room and phoned out landline from my mobile . I pretened to be our daughter in need of urgent help so we had to leave right away . Another time I was on my own and just told him he could not come in . I felt so bad afterwards I wrote to him and suggested he should phone first , he never did of course . He used to complain another relative was never in when he tried to visit and he travelled quite a way to see her . He died a few years ago so if there is a heaven he is boring everyone there now .

I would just tell them that during the pandemic we aren't having visitors,, if they are doing this to you they might be in and out of other people homes mixing their own common sense should tell them they shouldn't be doing at this time

I once had a boss who was half my age and younger than my daughters, but had an incredibly wise head on his shoulders for his age.

I was being badgered by an angry customer to change our way of working to suit her needs, so I took the problem to him.

I told him the promises/excuses I had already put forward and he stopped me mid-sentence. He told me to take a deep breath and tell the customer that what she wanted did not fit in with company policy/plans/structure and her demands would have to stop.

It would take courage, he said, but then offer a positive for a negative. So, in the OP's case "It's not convenient for you to call round so often but I would be happy to meet you once a fortnight at the local garden centre/coffee shop for an afternoon/morning of chat". If you are asked why, or for what reason, just stick to "not convenient" no need for you to explain yourself. It will be tough to begin with, but perhaps you could instigate the first coffee date away from home.

Sometimes, those with mental health issues cannot see the problem and need to be nudged in the right direction.

So many’s elaborate solutions offered on here but really isn’t it best to keep it simple ?

Answer the text or the door with a polite, “oh sorry it’s not really convenient at the moment “

You need to remember that they are not considering your wishes in this at all.

I just don't understand why everything seems to be so complicated. Why not just have a kind but honest conversation?

Get your DH to have a quiet and firm word with her DH! You're not going to be able to keep it together forever,one day you'll just blow and probably tell her to piss off! Or worse and destroy what's left of friendship ( entanglement) !

Ha ...used to leave a coat by the front door ...lived on a corner so if in front of house could see them coming ..grabbed coat, and when they were nearly there, I would open the front door and say Oh ! how lovely to see you (again !) unfortunately I have an appointment / some other place to go/ coffee morning with Church/ daughter's school, etc etc ........maybe we could catch up another time !....lock the door and get in the car until they had left. Others when we lived in France, would arrive expecting to STAY a week either side of 'our visit to our yacht down in Spain'...........never got an invite to 'their yacht down in Spain'....then they referred to our house as their French holiday home !!!!!!!!!111 bought a load of food (for themselves, 'special dietary requirements' which they filled my second fridge up with ....even moving mine ....the last time they said they would be coming, I said sorry, no can do and sent them a brochure for some nearby gites to rent ........oh, and said by the way, I am coming to the UK for the January sales ......perhaps I can stay with you ............oddly enough never heard from them again !!!!! good luck

MayBeMaw

I once read of somebody who would answer the door in her coat.
If she was pleased to see the person on the step she would say she had just got in, if not, like OP is feeling, she would say she was just going out.

I love this!

OK I’ll come clean with something else. I was having chemo last year (I was more or less bed bound for part of it as the side effects made me so ill). She was round a lot helping with everything. One day my husband came home and she opened the front door to him and said “here comes my future husband”. Thoughts on that please.

SeconhandRose Ok so clearly there are more concerns than just them being at yours/dropping in etc! So...

*What is your husbands view of that comment to him? What did he reply? Were you present when she said it?
*What is your view? Do you think there is even a small element of "truth" in that comment? Is she infatuated with him? Is she actually aiming to "get him"? Does she have a slightly "off" sense of humour?
*Do you feel obligated to her for the help whilst having chemo and is that stopping you being honest about the number of visits?

You may not wish to answer on here, but do think about and answer those questions to yourself. It might help you to decide where to go next with the problem!

In these circumstances I would have said directly to her "I assume you were joking but I do not find that comment even slightly funny, especially at the moment whilst I am not feeling my best with chemo etc! So please, no more comments like that either to me or to (DH)"

And then dealt with the resulting conversation/response/fall out!

She said it about a year ago. I have never felt she is after my husband but such an odd thing to say. I heard her say it, my husband said he didn't hear it.

No I dont feel obligated re the chemo help as other people were kind too and helpful but didn't express an interest in marrying my husband when I am dead. He doesn’t find her attractive and she isnt his type (talks too much!!).

OK...so if that is the case, I would suggest you have a direct conversation of the kind I suggested a a few pages back. It really is the only way to get the problem properly sorted in my view

And yes, I think it is a pretty odd thing to say!

Her comment was not appropriate, what kind of friend would say something like that especially under the circumstances. If she was joking she has a very weird SOH. I would have been furious and upset hearing that. Wonder if she knew you could hear? Odd your husband says he didn't hear, is he covering up for her. Why does she constantly need to be at your house now, is she not happy in her own relationship? I’d go with your gut on this and cut contact to a minimum.

My old Avon lady used to turn up on Saturday nights at eight with my order .
We'd be about to watch a film and enjoy a pizza .
She'd say that it was the only time that she could come .
I soon learnt that she'd be insulted if not invited in .

One of my father's old friends used to call on us every Thursday .
Fine ,but we'd be eating lunch .
I offered him food ,which was refused but he'd sit drinking tea and watching us eat .
It was uncomfortable.
In a candid moment this gentleman told me that we had the Thursday slot .
He visited friends every day to avoid having to put his central heating on .
I disliked the disloyal way that he talked about other friends and he seemed to enjoy causing friction between us .
Finally, when he made fun of my disability (I limp and walk very slowly)it reduced my father to tears.
I made sure that he knew that he'd gone too far .
And that was that !

SecondhandRose - you can see less of your friends without upsetting them if you become assertive. The problem may be being compounded because by saying nothing, and always accommodating these people, you are enabling their behaviour. If you can't say something like "it's always so lovely to see you but I need the next three days to do x, y and z" without offending them they're not proper friends. Also if she drops you a text to ask if you're in because they're very close and going to pop round, respond saying that you have other visitors, or an appointment to go to and you're running late. The other thing you could do is to set boundaries around your house - arrange to meet them somewhere so you can have a 'nice chat' - maybe in a local community cafe, garden centre etc., and gradually try to shift the focal point away from your personal space. The female friend is obviously very comfortable in your house and will visit as long as you allow it so you need to reclaim that space for yourself. And finally, another thing you can do to move that focus is to say "I just have to get out of the house today, I need a change of scenery" - that's a strong message that your house is closed for everyone.

My generation's assertive phrase is "That doesn't work for me." If necessary you add, "Thank you for understanding".

So when she texts, Sorry, today doesn't work for me. How about Thursday? Or something like that. Just push the time out a few days so the visits become spaced the way you want them.

Tell them you are Covid positive.

A little update. She got in contact about coming round so I said I was going out and would she like to meet me instead. This worked well as we were shopping. All good so far ladies.

Secondhandrose ?