Adult Daughter Ignored Mother's Day

As a mother if my daughter, who is also a mother, was at home on Mother's Day ill, I would be more worried about her and less worried about what I was missing on Mother's Day.

I truly hate mothers day and reactions like this is why. It can be such a forced holiday. Yes we should honor and love our mothers. But once it becomes an obligation it loses it's meaning.

Your daughter set up the lunch for you. She sent her husband and children and spent the day alone. And it still is not enough. You are here complaining about not getting what you wanted. And you spent the day talking badly about her while she was not there. All the while praising your son for showing up and paying for half the meal.

Your daughter is having problems, clearly not well and yet you are concerned with yourself. I’m sorry but you expect a lot from your children, they have their own families, why should your daughter, a mother herself put you first, who is treating her? Just ask her how things are, is everything ok, let her know she comes first with you and that you’re there for her. Their families come first.

I've never really had a mothers day that was all about me as I've always put my Mother in law and Mother first. As they both live far away in opposite directions I've never had the chance to think about doing something with my Daughter in Law or think about what I would like for myself. I doubt my Daughter in law would want to do anything as she doesn't even answer my texts. It has made me think a bit though as many people are saying kids should come first.... Though from my perspective, I would have liked someone to notice and do something even if it was just a phone call...

If women are married I think it is the husbands job to buy a gift for the young kids to give their Mum and treat her. thoughtful. My husband bought me flowers on Mother's Day even though the kids are grown, but probably because one of them made no effort. He also made no effort for his wife, what a selfish man child.

I’m sorry you’re upset with your daughter. Is that because you think perhaps she doesn’t love or value you generally or you’re simply miffed because she didn’t do something special for you?

Whatever your daughter’s going through at the moment it seems to me that she would benefit from a little extra attention and kindness. Maybe just send her the odd card and little treats, and perhaps a chatty phone call where you make sure you listen as much as you speak.

I posted in error another post on this subject apparently on Good Morning, will have to find it.the message, the sil sounds dreadful and the mother sits and let’s him run her daughter down when he should have been at home with his family not mil. No wonder daughter down with the pair of them. Think I’d be tempted to just have my children if I was her and set him free.

Yes, its a nasty SiL who talks behind his wifes back. She would do better without him and a dog would be more loyal and loving.
If all he provides are material benefits and "she has everything she needs materially", that's not a marriage. She could still get all of that in a divorce package. What about love, trust and loyalty?

People who are nice to someone's face and then go away and backstab them to others make me so cross. My own mother let herself down when she pocket dialled me on her mobile while she was on her landline and I heard her talking about me to someone else. It's likely the daughter has an inkling what's going on and its contributing to her depression.

How can anyone expect to have good relationships if you backstab and don't actually sit down and have a good open and honest conversation? It's easy to complain and point the finger, but relationships take two.

Perhaps, ( just a little perhaps ?) if people didn’t put sooooo much importance on one day we wouldn’t have all these upsets

I've always been close to my elder daughter :

We shared the same interests and enjoyed doing them together
:
When my granddaughter was born she begged me to move to her area .
I really wanted to .
But my father had already become demanding and absolutely refused to move .
He was already reliant on me .

I deeply regret not standing my ground .

Now it's too difficult to sell his house (he's an invalid in a hospital bed in the old dining room ) and he's too sick to move .

The house is completely unsuitable for him and awkward for me .

Things have gone wrong for my daughter ..she's finally spilt up with her partner and he's been very nasty towards her .
Their daughter is a difficult girl .
And finances have been strained .

Sadly, my daughter is ghosting me and has done for three years .

I've phoned and texted .
Now I send cards and gifts trying to imagine things that would be useful to her .

I looked forward to being with her and sharing all the things that gave us such joy .

Now I don't know if she's ever going to communicate with me again .

It breaks my heart .

So sorry Esmay, thats really sad. Are you 100% sure that she still has the same address?
My elder son didnt speak to me for six months last year. We turned up on Christmas Eve and they invited us in. We thought we had managed to build bridges over the festive period, but now I get the odd text from my son, nothing from DiL and they wont make plans to meet up. I have no idea why. Its sad, isnt it.

It is incredibly sad .
I feel for you.

My daughter hasn't moved .She owns and likes her house and it's convenient for her work and projects .

I think that part of the ghosting is due to my father.
I'm not passing the buck .
But I think that it's a long term problem .

In the past-he's made it very obvious that he far prefers her sister and her brother.

When he became a widower my daughter went out of her way to help him and take him out and he behaved very badly as he does with me .
Her sister can do no wrong and she can't do anything right .

When she had my granddaughter and she reached the terrible twos he was far too critical of her.

I found out that she was visiting an old friend nearby and by passing us .

I'm sure that I've done something wrong, but I don't know what it is .

Meanwhile I send Easter ,Birthday and Christmas gifts .
That is what is advised on the "ghosting "sites !

I have a huge parcel of nice things ready to post to her.

Every day when I pray - I pray that she's okay -well and happy and that one day I'll be able to see her again .

But I've not seen her nor heard from her for three and a quarter years and my pain is increasing .

Ghosting is an epidemic .

Sometimes some of my friends are so inappropriate :

One of them interrogated me about it on Mother's Day and then went into incredible detail about the gifts that her daughters had bought for her .

Frankly, the behaviour of her daughters leaves much to be desired .
They have the most appalling manners and are foul mouthed .
When she left I cried and cried over it .
I had managed to push it to the back of my mind .

I actually have avoided another friend ,who always asks me at least three times each time I see her - why ?!

Again - one of her daughters only contacts her when she wants expensive things and the other has left home and isn't really in contact .

When my children lived with me -we were very much a happy balanced family .

It's such a shock .

Sorry...I just don’t get this obsession with ‘ special’ days. Having said that, it seems there’s two things going on here.
1. The lack of acknowledgment of Mother’s Day, which doesn’t make sense, because your daughter organised this meal, but you didn’t get a card!!
2. Your daughter is generally a problem according to her husband.
I think you really need to stay well back, and accept graciously whatever you receive from your adult children.

10:37Esmay

Why don't you write her a letter on paper and send it to her. Apologise for everything and agree with her about your father not being fair to her (even though you haven't in your eyes done anything wrong) and tell her how much you love her and your gd and how upset you are and that you miss them etc a real letter from the heart. Life is too short, I'm sure it anything happens to you she will regret not keeping in tough. Hope things improve for you in the future, take care

Thanks Maudie - but I've tried everything .

I think that it began as posturing in front of her siblings -but she never intended it to go so far and is finding it hard to back down without losing face .

Don't give up hope, things can change especially when people get older.

Just a thought, I wouldn't write a letter on paper because there are so many ways that a letter can be taken. With some people, if it can be taken the wrong way, it will be.

Many times I've wanted to write a letter. I think it's a good thing to get things in perspective by writing it , but not send it. I would go there, face to face. She will either talk to you or not open the door. It would be more easy to understand and be understood, though- rather than have misunderstandings piled on top of what's already going on.

So sorry about your friend Esmay I know it's painful when friends do that. Like your daughter, my son had no way of backing down, that's why we just turned up on the doorstep. It was successful. But we have hardly seen them since.

My parents always made it clear that they preferred my sister. As soon as I left the parental home at 22 I began to "do distance". Not exactly a falling out, more a form of getting on with my own life. My parents were not on the phone (1960s) so keeping boundaries was far easier then. I probably saw them about once a month although they lived ten minutes bus ride away.

Ive always had a dislike of these commercialised social construct days like mothers and fathers day and found ways to duck out of them. Usually by being away working (regardless of whether I was away or not).

Esmey I noticed that you said you have no clue as to what you have done to your daughter to cause this, but in what you have written…it’s not hard to see a major reason why your daughter could be hurt. It sounds as if you failed to protect your daughter from the intense criticism directed her way by your own father, her grandfather. She likely sees your continued caring for him as condoning the awful things he has said and done to her, that you had made the choice between your father and her, your daughter, and you chose your father. The fact that her siblings also are perfect in the grandfathers eyes placed another layer of the, I suppose, “othering”, she has experienced….I feel really bad for her, that kind of dynamic in a family, where one person is singled out and then it’s allowed to go on for years on end…….that kind of thing causes life-long trauma, self-hate, depression, and whatnot. It’s a very unfortunate situation

Thank you very much smoothie for writing that I've failed to protect my daughter from his intense criticism .

I have supported and defended her again and again from his nastiness and prejudice even it's caused massive rows between my father and myself .

I did not choose my father over her .

I find your comments thoroughly insulting.

Defending her is not protecting her - huge difference

I regret adding to this thread .
I didn't expect nasty criticism like this .

Esmay

You may not like what you read.

Calling it nasty is not correct.
Posts have been polite

Poor Linfreed isn’t this her thread?

I was surmising as to the reason why my daughter is ghosting us .

I'm not sure .

I think that she just doesn't enjoy visiting my father .
Her siblings don't either .

He is difficult and it's sad to see someone who was so physically fit be so infirm .

I'm entitled to my opinion - just as you are to your's .
I seem to recall an abrasive message from you before .
No mother wants to be described as a failure ,who has not protected her daughter .

I've done a great deal for her .And my parcels of essential things haven't stopped .

Any profuse apologies to Linfreed -in sympathesising with her - I didn't expect this .

Oops -sympathising !
Remember the days when you had to write out spelling corrections over and over again ?!