Adult Daughter Ignored Mother's Day

Essay you expressed bewilderment as to the cause of your daughter’s ghosting you. Online, as in the real world, that is generally interpreted as a request for help understanding the situation. I think the responses you reject were quite polite and to the point. Just because you did not intend to let your daughter (and granddaughter) be hurt by your father’s cruelty, just because you only intended to do the right thing in caring for your father etc… doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences for those choices. It’s good you keep the faith and keep trying to reach out. I hope someday she responds and you are able to mend fences. But it will help if you are able, if and when she does reach out, to realize that she had her reasons for giving up on the relationship and those reasons, even if they make you feel sad and angry, are valid. Her experience of your father’s criticism and your “defense” of her will have been very different from yours because she is a different person. Perhaps she looked at how cruel and demanding her grandfather was and decided that she would never accept that treatment from anyone, and certainly would not put her daughter in the position to be “defended” verbally from these attacks, even if those criticism and attacks came from you or her siblings. Once she would have loved for you to move closer to her, then she changed her mind? Perhaps she saw the handwriting on the wall and realized that maintaining contact with you would always be an Avenue for her grandfather to abuse her.

This was originally Linfreed's post and it's been hijacked !

I don't really know if my father is the cause of the ghosting .

Now he's upset that she doesn't contact us .Deep down ,he does love her and isn't as devoted to her siblings as he once was .

I have told him why it might have happened .
He doesn't remember being nasty -just as he doesn't remember being nasty to me .

He was totally vile this morning .
I was in tears .

I think that he's mentally ill and has been ever since I can remember .

No mother wants to be described as failing to protect her daughter .

But -
I regret answering this thread .

Esmay, you don't have to reply or say anything you're not comfortable with and don't feel bad because you did what felt right at the time. Looking back many of us have done so and wish we could go back and do things differently, but we can't.

Just to clarify, do you mean your daughter's father has been cruel and critical of her- or your Father- or both? Either way, whoever it is sounds like a nasty man. If you want to split up with him, it's not too late. You could get social services involved if he's impossible to live with? I'm so sorry, you deserve better and to have a peaceful home to enjoy your life.

Change is difficult...but it sounds like you don't want things to stay the same.

It's not her father it's her grandfather .
He's really elderly and sick.
He has these extraordinary inflexible ideas about people and things.
I never really know if I'm coming nor going with him .
Initially people think that he's wonderful and then ,he really infuriates them .
He's had huge rows with old friends with whom he's gone on holiday.

He's actually quite anti social and finds it hard to socialise and make friends.
He was lonely and friendless at school .
He was a stunning looking man and very athletic-that attracted both sexes .
Now he's become depressive and very demanding .

One of my friends has about 30 years of experience with paranoid schizophrenics and he thinks that my father shows signs of this terrible illness.

He hasn't been cruel to my daughter, but shows his disapproval of her lifestyle.
She's arty and creative like me .
He calls us Bohemian
We both get heavy criticism from him .
He certainly doesn't approve of me either !

Her sister is extremely conventional even old fashioned - she gets the stamp of approval .

He loves my arty daughter ,but is poor at showing it.
He loves me as well ,but doesn't demonstrate it .
Never has .

Today his bad behaviour has made me exasperated to the point of tears .
He was actually complaining about the lack of a wet room -something that's been a real bone of contention .

We all make mistakes. I feel really upset that I made a huge one in not putting my foot down and moving to be near my daughter.

We could have had a more suitable house in a lovely rural area.
I would have loved my daughter's company.

Social services are coming next week . At the moment we are trying to get him more mobile and to access him if only to improve the quality if his life - and mine !

Thank you for your kind comments .

Esmay

Why don't you open your own thread?

Honestly, I can see why your daughter has an issue with this situation.

You are also unhappy, why not make changes on your end?

Esmay, do you live with your Father? If so, can you move away? Even if he's old and sick and has problems with XYZ... because your life is on hold and you're not really living it how you want because of his cruelty , judgemental and critical ways.

If you can find a way to ignore him and do what you want I think you'll be happier- stop caring what he thinks. Perhaps he can go in a home? Talk honestly to Social Services. It sounds like this man has overshadowed your life. You say he loves you, but love accepts people as they are and doesn't wish they were someone they are not.

Many people with Bohemian relatives are ashamed of them, my Mother was telling me about her friend whose son is an artist and she's embarassed of him. It's really sad because that's who he IS. I actually felt sorry for him and I don't even know him.

There's nothing wrong with being arty and creative. There's something wrong with people who don't let other people BE. Theres something wrong with people who pick at others because they don't like what they are. Do yourself a favour and get some distance from him.

I moved in with my father about six years ago .
He was serioudly ill and not expected to live.
Weeks turned into months and now years .
Before he fell at the beginning of the year he'd started being nice to me .
Depression and being sick has made him revert to his old nastiness .
I made a promise to look after him and I shall as long as I'm able.
I'm only sad and angry with myself that a compromise wasn't made -ie moving near to my daughter .
My father never stops criticising everyone even when he's charming to their face .
This year it seemed as though he was going to die and I was consumed with sadness.
I love him ,but I don't like him .
Next week there will be more discussions about his care .

Esmay as others have politely pointed out, you have hijacked this thread. You even acknowledged this and yet continue to write long pity-me posts looking for answers to your own problems. Perhaps your daughter struggles with this kind of behaviour.

He hasn't been cruel to my daughter

Yes he was. You admitted so.
While I do not deny your pain I am afraid it is clear why your daughter has left you both so that she can hopefully secure her happiness. And while you deny the trauma you both caused I don't believe anyone in her position would even contemplate looking back and forming any sort of relationship

Bibbity -In sympathising with Linfreed somehow the thread changed to my problems .
I'm the one who said that I'd unintentionally hijacked the thread.
I was trying to close it

Oops I mean to direct that to argymargy not Bibbity .
I'm not intending to write pity me posts .

LinFreed I'm with those saying that no-one seems to be giving your daughter any consideration at all.
Put your concern for her first, instead of anything else.
And be wary of believing your SiL.

Esmay
Do you butt into peoples conversations as you have done here.
Can’t you see how rude you’ve been to make this thread all about you

It's not as if OP who wrote the thread in the first place has bothered to come back and comment.... It's probably my fault it continued because I answered.

BUT this happens in real life. Conversations DO wander. I don't see the problem with a conversation that goes in a different direction than it started because it's a natural thing. I do think some people are pedantic about such things and try to control what's posted in certain forums and I think controlling behaviour is off putting.

I am beginning to understand your dilemma Esmay. I think you're going to have to be strong and put good boundaries around you. My parents also "divide and conquer" , but they are less successful these days.

I think some of the answers are pretty mean seeing as this is someone who needs support. Do you criticise people for what they talk about IRL or try to police their conversations? Meryl?

OnwardandUpward

It's not as if OP who wrote the thread in the first place has bothered to come back and comment.... It's probably my fault it continued because I answered.

BUT this happens in real life. Conversations DO wander. I don't see the problem with a conversation that goes in a different direction than it started because it's a natural thing. I do think some people are pedantic about such things and try to control what's posted in certain forums and I think controlling behaviour is off putting.

I am beginning to understand your dilemma Esmay. I think you're going to have to be strong and put good boundaries around you. My parents also "divide and conquer" , but they are less successful these days.

I think some of the answers are pretty mean seeing as this is someone who needs support. Do you criticise people for what they talk about IRL or try to police their conversations? Meryl?

I understand that conversations can drift into other domains, when chatting about something not personal. So news/ politics etc, but this was personal....to Linfreed, and she now hasn’t come back.

If I’ve ever been in a real life conversation where someone has butted in...and made it about them, rather than join in with the chat we were having, I’ve tended to walk away.

No MerylStreep - I don't .

I was originally feeling very sorry for LinFreed
And somehow it's turned into a onslaught of criticism :

I don't think that I'm a failure of a mother ,who hasn't protected her daughter from her grandfather .

I deeply regret posting my thoughts and over the last six years I've certainly had time to reflect on this unfortunate situation .

Just before the ghosting I'd made moves to rectify it by moving - I wanted to buy a house and a business to help her - when my father was rushed into hospital again .

My own health deteriorated at the time and moving was just too much .

Then Brexit then Covid...

These days - my father isn't as enamoured as he was with her sister and brother .

I don't think it's just my father's attitude towards my daughter and granddaughter, which has caused this .

I think that my daughter is depressed and overwhelmed .
She broke up with her partner and he has been unpleasant.
She's also had problems with my granddaughter.
Unfortunately my daughter wasn't really communicating with any of us .
She has done this before , but not for such long period .

Thank you Onwardsand upwards for seeing the bigger picture .
I don't think that it's your fault for answering.
Yours is the voice of reason !

I'm not asking for pity -just understanding.
There's a difference .

No more from me on this subject.

I'll stick to books and gardening !

Esmay, please don’t feel disheartened. Start your own thread.

Thanks DiscoDancer .
Have a lovely weekend !

DiscoDancer1975

OnwardandUpward

It's not as if OP who wrote the thread in the first place has bothered to come back and comment.... It's probably my fault it continued because I answered.

BUT this happens in real life. Conversations DO wander. I don't see the problem with a conversation that goes in a different direction than it started because it's a natural thing. I do think some people are pedantic about such things and try to control what's posted in certain forums and I think controlling behaviour is off putting.

I am beginning to understand your dilemma Esmay. I think you're going to have to be strong and put good boundaries around you. My parents also "divide and conquer" , but they are less successful these days.

I think some of the answers are pretty mean seeing as this is someone who needs support. Do you criticise people for what they talk about IRL or try to police their conversations? Meryl?

I understand that conversations can drift into other domains, when chatting about something not personal. So news/ politics etc, but this was personal....to Linfreed, and she now hasn’t come back.

If I’ve ever been in a real life conversation where someone has butted in...and made it about them, rather than join in with the chat we were having, I’ve tended to walk away.

I see your point but if I was having a conversation with someone who walked away I would continue to talk/listen with whoever was there at the time.

I feel sorry for Esmay for having this problem and also sometimes conversations can trigger other conversations as a natural progression. Im probably guilty of doing this myself and the "rules" are not always obvious. Especially not to me.

I think Linfreed knows we ALL feel very sorry for her. She could have returned, but chose not to.

I don't think you did anything wrong Esmay but sometimes online it feels like people get all upset because Someone said something in the wrong place or on the wrong forum, or just they don't like what was said full stop. I have seen bullying on here before so I'll call it out. No one except Gransnet have the right to police these forums and decide who can speak and what can or can't be said. You may have gone off on a tangent, but it shouldn't matter.

Never let your perfectly valid feelings be invalidated by anyone. I have had a lifetime of having my feelings invalidated by toxic relatives, so am extremely resistant to being told what I can and can not think or say. Sometimes conversations are triggering. It happens, and people would ideally be more kind, realising this.

How old is she? Can she be starting the peri-menopause? It can give you the symptoms she seems to be feeling, dissatisfaction with life and what you have achieved as well as the physical symptoms. Try and arrange some time together just the two of you give her an opportunity to say how she is feeling , perhaps say you are worried about her and leave her take the conversation forward. Why isn't she moving on from her father's death? I would not mention her husband's concern or that he has mentioned it to you as she will feel you are talking behind her back. Tell her whatever she says to you will be kept between you unless she gives you permission to speak about it. Encourage her to see her GP, and perhaps he counselling one more time . Does she have any friends and hobbies she could be just feeling that she doesn't have enough to occupy her. I know that sounds silly as she seems to have a good life but some voluntary work may give her a purpose.

You're thoughtful 62Granny as I don't think many people know about or talk about Peri Menopause as much as actual menopause. Also, even just getting older feels a lot sometimes because we are aware that we don't have the energy we used to have.

Like you, I feel there is more to life than being well off. Life can be so much more full with friends, hobbies and interests. Voluntary work can be really good too, if she's up to it. The anxiety may be stopping her doing these things. Your advice is good and I definitely think avoiding talking about her is good, as she may find out and it may breed distrust.

SiL sounds a bit dodgy to me and he may have said "your Mother thinks....." that may be something you didn't say but that might be making her feel paranoid. I would just go there and try to talk to her.

I've been so busy and just come back to my thread, which seems to have been hijacked by another issue from Esmay.

Anyway, I've had the gc over quite a bit as daughter & SiL have had Covid.

There was a bit of a kerfuffle about taking them one stop on the tube to have lunch with them. SIl was a bit paranoid about them going underground one stop before they go to Spain on holiday this Saturday.

So they're both recovering from Covid, still testing positive and it's more important they get away than allowing my gc to go one stop on the tube.

My daughter seemed quite agitated about the hypocrisy of her husband's stance as I was surprised that they were happy to go onto a plane possibly still being positive for Covid.

My SiL then apologises for his wife's agitation and said he had calmed her down. After getting your responses, I have to say I do worry a bit for her.

Esna5, this thread has I’m afraid detracted from op and become about how you feel.

LinFreed - it was never my intention to hijack your thread and I did apologise .

I'm wishing you well and hope that your situation is resolved happily .