Where have all the dads gone?

Personally, I can't understand the mindset of any parent who can abandon or have little to do with their child, or not pay towards making their child's life more comfortable, but as Jane said, it isn't always about the financial contribution. It must be difficult for a child to grow up knowing that their absent parent, usually the father, cares little for them, has moved on, has another family that he 'prefers'. The elephant in the room is of course, that fine example of fatherhood Johnson. His children may be adults, but they were tossed aside, several were denied, at least one was supposed to be aborted. The taxpayer may not be paying, but it isn't all about money.

I think perhaps they intend to stay in touch, then realise how much easier it is not to, and the longer it goes on, the more they can slightly change the story so they don't seem as bad, and eventually, it isn't so bad.
Lots of people have children from former marriages or relationships.

Perhaps by the time you get to 50 odd nobody cares so much (except your children, but by then you dont even know them)

Gill
I agree, it isn’t all about the money, the money is a niggle, but we can manage without it, which I’m sure he knows.
But I hate him for how he treats her, no birthday presents, not even a card, no Christmas presents, I doubt he even knows where she goes to school.
And all the time TikTok and Instagram are bombarded daily with his perfect (on the surface) other family, and his other children.

The poor little soul.
That must be awful to see all the social media stuff - I'm glad it wasn't around when my girl was growing up.

That must be very hurtful Sara1954.

When I was left with sole responsibility for my two, there was no way you could get money from your husband or ex husband, they made it impossible. If he wanted to disappear he could. You don’t think someone you have been with 14 years would just walk. I was fit and had several jobs and they both did exceptionally well, in their careers, marriages and families, yet nothing makes up for being abandoned by your father, it leaves scars, no birthdays, Christmas present, no congratulations on exams or jobs, no interest. I used to cry myself to sleep many times seeing them hurt. Yet he’s the loser he knows that when he looks in the mirror. The best thing I did and the hardest was single mom. I do have issue that people have children without a solid relationship in place. If your a proper couple then that child is wanted by both, unfortunately some men after a few years do pass total responsibility to mom, we won’t ever let them down, I think they are spineless cowards, how can anyone walk away from their child, even if the love has gone for the partner, your children are for life, they need their dad.

Allsorts
Completely agree.
Good for you, you can now say, I did that, I made a bloody good job of it, and I did it on my own.
But I agree, we try and compensate, maybe over compensate, for his lack of interest, but it’s not the same.
My husband is a complete pushover with his girls, they both know that dad is always there for them, and always on their side. I find it really sad that she’ll never know that relationship, although she can of course twist grandad around her little finger.

My daughter told me she never felt she missed out.
We had a high old time of it, eating a bag of chips on the beach, watching scary films.
She said she couldn't miss what she hadnt had, and her friends were all quite jealous that she had my sole attention.

....and I went back to full-time work when my maternity pay ended( she was 6 weeks old) to keep us all. I struggled financially ( I sold my wedding and engagement rings for the children's Christmas presents that year), but want to point out that single parenthood and benefits claimants are two different issues.

MissAdvenure
You make it sound idyllic, must have been hard work though.

I think every woman starts a relationship and a family thinking it will last, sadly this is not always the case. It is unfair and judgemental to lump all single parents together as one at fault group.

Yeah, I'm not the most maternal person, and she was a little cow at times.
We did have some fun though, along the way and fights

My mum used to get in between us to keep us from getting at eachother sometimes!

I'm finding it a hell of a lot harder this time around, that's for sure.

I think if you read the statistics a lot of men walk out because their partner or child becomes disabled! The figure is really high. So whilst some people are sitting in judgement of the women of Eccles, it might be worth them opening their minds a little

I also think it is good women can seek help to leave abusive relationships now. I do not want to return to a country where rape and domestic abuse/violence in marriage was legal either.

MissA, you do yourself a disservice. All families argue! and if they don't argue they stew and that is worse ime of my husband's family!

We are seeing the same tendency of an increase in single mothers in Denmark too.

And here it is not hard to bring a paternity suit and receive child support, as every midwife can and will advise a single mother to do so, and put her in touch with a social worker.

AND since the 1970's social services pay out the child support to the parent with whom the child is actually living and recoups it from the other parent, so no-one is in the futile position of having the legal right to receive child support, but no means of getting an insolvent, or uncaring, parent of a child to pay up.

Talking to young mothers, whether those in committed relationships or single mothers, I have been startled over the past twenty years by the increasing number who bluntly state, "She/ he is MY child. I make the decisions, and if the child's father doesn't like it, he can lump it."

I am not claiming that all young mothers think like this, but a growing proportion seem to be adopting this outlook, even when the child's father is happy and willing to take his share of the raising of the child.

If this is becoming a dominating tendency, then I can begin to understand the "invisible" fathers. Parenting should be a joint task and a joint pleasure, but can only be so, if both parents see it as a joint venture.

Then there are, more understandably, the women who discover that they are pregnant, either because they took a chance, or because contraception let them down, and who decide against abortion.

Those who know full well that the man in the case has no desire for children, quite rightly and fairly, in my opinion, decide to go it alone.

Some of them may not have told the man that he is the father of their child, others have, but have waived their right to child support, as they feel that their decision to have the baby, conceived as "an accident" is not one they should force upon an unwilling father in a day and age where legal abortion is possible and only frowned upon by a small majority.

I can't stand that "you've done something so bad, but you've got to guess what it is" behaviour.
It's so, so frustrating.
Have a bloody good row!

I think here custody is now awarded at 50/50.
I'm not up on all these modern ways..

Of course a man should pay if he willingly had unprotected sex and a child was conceived!

It's preposterous to think otherwise.

I’ve told my daughter, I think she subconsciously chooses weak and useless partners, because basically she’s a control freak, and wants to do things her way.
It was said in jest, but I can’t help feeling there’s a bit of truth in there

Ironically, my ex, dead beat dad that he turned out to be, wanted me to have a 2nd baby. Thank goodness I didn't, because if I had had 2, there would have been no way I could have combined the work and studies that enabled me to keep a roof over our heads and study towards a professional job after our marriage broke down.

I just can't help but be moved by the heroism of the single mums telling their stories on here.
To slog on forward, putting one foot in front of the other every single day because that's all you can do is magnificent.
I know it in my own close family, you are brave and wonderful women

That's a lovely thing to say.
Thank you.

I can’t believe the phrase “bleeding hearts” was actually used on this thread in 2022.

Yes, sadly yet again a number of uncalled for remarks/so called descriptions from the usual source "sainted mums" "randy lads" "bleeding hearts" etc. I really wonder at this poster's lack of understanding in these situations or any other situation actually.

I don’t have a ‘lack of understanding’ just a different viewpoint.
That’s allowed last time I checked.

It does make me wonder how someone gets to the point where they can have no compassion for those less fortunate than themselves. It's the whole Victorian attitude of the undeserving poor. But I guess that is what our leadership is pushing us to believe in.

I have a lot of compassion. I give 10% of my state pension to charities every month by direct debit.

What I don’t like, as a taxpayer, is being taken for a ride. It gets my goat how some dads just go AWOL. It’s morally repugnant to me.

However reading the comments has made me realise that nothing will change unless a different approach to dealing with this social mess is found.