Sex life over

Esspee

If your medical problem is vaginal atrophy then that can be treated as can low libido. Have you seen your doctor?

That’s a huge leap and an assumption isn’t it? It could be anything medical.

For goodness sake, Esspee! Dryness is not "vaginal atrophy" .

Problems with dryness can be helped by 1. A good emollient made for sexual intercourse. 2. Imaginatively persuading the man to come quickly.

And just to add to my previous comment upthread, I'm baffled that in the 21st century women should suggest to other women that they have a duty to effectively 'Lie back and think of England'

Jules's problem is a problem a lot of women have. She must find her own solution . If Jules decides that to lie back and think of England is the best way forward for her personally she has every right to feel it's the best way for her.

We can help by saying all the options she has so she can choose. This is a practical not a moral problem.

And BTW it is not helpful to brag about how great your own love life is!

And BTW it is not helpful to brag about how great your own love life is!

Who is this comment directed at Caleo? I can't see where anyone is bragging

If you haven’t had sex for a long time and there is no “elephant “ in the room , why do you need to discuss it ? He must have got the message by now

I think you need to have a good long talk as many have said,but in a very gentle manner.
The chances are he will feel you don`t love him as you say and it could be the end of your marriage.
On the other hand he may feel the same,you didn`t mention how often he wanted sex to have put you off it,i don`t want an answer,i`m just putting it out there.
Could you think of pleasuring him without penetration,again just a thought,going by the things you said about how you feel about him.

It sound like you need to speak to a specialist counsellor about this. If you have medical and emotional things to consider, you may be able to get specific help with whatever it is, rather than avoiding something else because of it.

Surely one of the most important facets of any relationship has to be communication?
IMO, an honest and caring discussion is what's needed here. If you love someone, then surely it's only fair & reasonable to try to explain matters calmly and to find a positive way forward. (Which has to be better than saying/doing nothing, and hoping that your partner "gets the message.")
I'm trying to avoid being graphic, but it needs stating that there are lots of ways to give one another a pleasurable sexual experience, within a "cuddle" and without penetration. If there are medical issues, then I'd seek help /advice.

lots of medical, physical and emotional reasons on my part is the key here, yet you put that in brackets, as if it’s a side issue. This will be impacting majorly. When you’re young, sex can be a distraction...but as you age, I think most women would agree it stops being a distraction.

I really wouldn’t stress over it. You love your husband, and he you. You enjoy all the cuddles...and comfort?

In my opinion, this beats sex any day. Anyone who focuses on that primarily is missing out on a lot more somewhere else I would think.

We’re not teenagers anymore!

Good post DiscoDancer1975

GrannyLaine

Good post DiscoDancer1975

?

If sex has not been on the agenda for a long time, and your OH is not expressing any wish to change - or indeed pressing you - then maybe just let it ride. If it is not an issue, then maybe you do not really need to bring it up. If he brings it up then that is the time for the discussion. It sounds as though you love your OH - I am sure that you will find a way to express how you feel without it sounding like a rejection.

And please do not feel there is anything about you - libido waxes and wanes throughout life and relationships change.

But the whole "lie back and think of England" option does not sit comfortably with me. No woman should ever have to do that.

Shelmiss

Esspee

If your medical problem is vaginal atrophy then that can be treated as can low libido. Have you seen your doctor?

That’s a huge leap and an assumption isn’t it? It could be anything medical.

Yes indeed it could be anything Shelmiss but vaginal atrophy and loss of libido are the two most common sexual problems post menopause. Please note I said “If”.
The OP has been unwilling to tell us her physical problem so I suggested the most common with the positive message that both can be treated.

Caleo

For goodness sake, Esspee! Dryness is not "vaginal atrophy" .

Problems with dryness can be helped by 1. A good emollient made for sexual intercourse. 2. Imaginatively persuading the man to come quickly.

Tell me Caleo when did I say dryness was vaginal atrophy?

That’s right, I didn’t.

I really hate when posters make up absolute rubbish.

A loving life long relationship will be a safe place not to feel pressured into having unwanted sex
Here we are in 2022 with some expressing the view that men have to have sex with their wife or they may leave or seek it elsewhere
Really? Not a very loving or supportive relationship Is it

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for the replies. I feel I need to say that my husband is not the type of man that would seek sex elsewhere. I am not worried that this may happen, nor do I think my marriage is at risk. I won’t be having sex again ever - yes, seen gp and three consultants, not going into detail here but a number of reasons for me to have come to this conclusion and I am accepting of and comfortable with my decision. We already have separate bedrooms due to a medical condition (his). My overriding concern is to not let this ‘wander on’, I would feel better and he’d know the exact situation if things were clear and agreed, boundaries understood. I just need to achieve that in the best possible way for both of us. Thank you all.

I medical opinion has led you to the conclusion that sex is not possible, then that would be the start of your conversation with your OH.

It seems to already be off the table, so I am not clear why you feel you need to state the situation. If he is showing no wish to engage in sex, and you cannot then the status quo would seem to be at the very least satisfactory on both sides.

Sex is part of marriage for the vast majority of couples and your DH probably assumes that that applies to your marriage too especially as it has been happening until recently. It’s a difficult area to explore because you’re “ changing the goalposts”.

I think age is a factor to some extent at least. Affection and demonstrations of this are really important. Caring about each other is paramount.

JulesSquirrel. May I ask what age you are as that is very relevant?

A colleague of mine went to couples counselling with 'relate', due to their lack of sex, and she was told (in so many words) to do exactly what everyone thinks is outdated.

That is, to "lie back and think of England".

Esspee

*JulesSquirrel*. May I ask what age you are as that is very relevant?

Not necessarily relevant. She’s already given very valid reasons for her decision. Chances are HRT ( which I’m sure you’re going to mention at some point!), won’t help. Someone medically qualified would have mentioned it, I would think.

I’ve nursed people whose sex life was over in their thirties, due to disability, health concerns.

The question isn’t ‘ how can she achieve sex?’. On the contrary....she wants/ needs to opt out.

Jules. You’ve given us enough to understand where you’re coming from. This is a husband you love, and know intimately. Talk to him. Far better he knows everything, rather than fill the gaps in for himself.

Take care

I am surprised that apparently the husband does not know of the outcome of his wife's consultations with the GP and three consultants concerning her medical issues, and needs to be made aware of :
' the exact situation if things were clear and agreed, boundaries understood.'
Doesn't sound like a very communicative relationship, and it seems to centre very much on what the OP wants, who is accepting of and comfortable with her decision. Poor man.

eazybee huge assumptions you are making there.

JulesSquirrel has made it clear from the beginning that she has made a clear and considered decision and she is clear that she wants to make things better for both her and her husband in terms of communication.
Far too many people jumping on with what they personally might want in her situation