Sex life over

A clear and considered decision concerning relation issues in a marriage would be best made by both of them, not one presenting it as a fait accompli.

I wish you well with your discussions JulesSquirrel both with your husband and appropriate counselling.

I understand exactly how you feel as I am the same. I am not remotely interested in sex and haven't been for a very long time. I feel that at 73 and after 47 years of marriage, companionship should be sufficient. He tells me some women would be happy that their partner still desired them. I am sure there are, but I am not one. I can't believe that there are many couples who still both want this, unless they are new into the relationship. I find myself resenting his approaches. He is a lovely person and I care for him which is why I put up with it but I so want to call it a day. He buys me lingerie that he wants me to wear in bed. I swear he thinks I am still 25. He gets very hurt when I refuse his advances and thinks I don't love him. I can see how the divorce rate is higher amongst over 60's than other age groups. I don't think counselling is the answer as this implies there is something wrong in feeling as I do, and I don't believe there is.

I know many women who have a zest for life which includes an enjoyment of lovemaking.
I also know that many would prefer a nice cup of tea from what I read on Gransnet.
What is sad is when a couple have different needs. It must be hell for the one who is rejected.

Having a medical condition that prevents sex isn't rejecting the partner.

I can’t believe the view of men and mens’ needs some have on here and I am glad I’m not married to one of those uncontrollable types. Good grief! Men are not animals needing a receptacle for their ‘needs’ ,certainly not in later years. If I had a man like that I would show him the door, quick smart. Whatever happened to love and respect ?

What about a woman whose husband no longer can or wishes to make love? Why the assumption that it is the man who is willing and the woman who is not?

We regularly have threads on these pages from women whose husbands can’t or won’t bother to have sex, they say it makes them feel unattractive and unwanted. Women have needs as well as men, if one partner looses the sex drive the other has to decide how to handle it.

In my case at 50 I just assumed my sex life was over, problem was that the “closeness” deteriorated, the kids had left home and he didn’t want do the things I wanted to do. In the end we were living separate lives, after 10 yrs I threw the towel in and left, after a few months I met my new partner sex is great and we are very close

As we get older we hope that companionship is enough to keep a marriage together but very frequently it isn’t.

Esspee

If your medical problem is vaginal atrophy then that can be treated as can low libido. Have you seen your doctor?

Please do share with us what these treatments are

The only suggestion my GP could make for reversing vaginal atrophy was to use vaginal dilators. That's no more appealing than actual sex to someone who, as well as suffering vaginal atrophy, has had their sex drive plummet post-menopause to pre-puberty levels!

And for libido?

Before the menopause, I naively thought that women in this predicament could surely just lay back and think of England. Oh, how wrong I was.

please do share with us what these treatments are . I can’t believe this has passed you by Oldnproud. ?. HRT.....the answer to everything!! ?

DiscoDancer1975

^please do share with us what these treatments are^ . I can’t believe this has passed you by Oldnproud. ?. HRT.....the answer to everything!! ?

Glad you have been paying attention DiscoDancer
Vaginal atrophy is caused by lack of oestrogen. The easiest way to avoid it is by keeping youthful oestrogen levels steady through taking HRT from perimenopause.
Many women nowadays do this. I am on oestrogen for life, it adds so much to my quality of life.
Low libido is caused by lack of testosterone and this can be prescribed if necessary.
However this is gransnet where most of us are older and many people have been told they already have vaginal atrophy without knowing this is a common menopausal symptom. It tends to kick in around 10 years after your last period, like osteoporosis, osteoarthritis, incontinence and all the other horrible long term effects of menopause.
Your GP is the person you should be consulting after you have read up on the subject. Being fully informed is the key to getting the best outcome.
I have a friend who is a physio specialising in this subject. She prescribes Vagirux (I think), a little oestrogen pellet which is inserted into the vagina every day for 14 days then twice a week thereafter, together with a vaginal lubricant called YESVM or YESVL which is applied every day. She says it is a very successful combination. Where appropriate she suggests to the GP that HRT is started.
I won't be phoning her today to be sure I have the names of the medication correct as she has guests.
I hope you find this useful Oldnproud. Feel free to PM me. I love hearing all the success stories.

This isn’t a topic I could discuss with many people but I do have 2 close friends and the subject has come up in a roundabout way. Both are around 70 and both are still enjoying their sex lives. Of course I have no idea how common this is.

Esspee, if I had known all that ten or eleven years ago, rather than finding out the hard way over time, just how badly the menopause can affect health and well-being long term, I would certainly have very seriously considered HRT from the very start.

I started on vaginal creams / lubricants a couple of years after the menopause, but for me they did absolutely nothing to take away the pain of intercourse - not that I really wanted sex by then anyway, as without HRT, my libido was well and truly gone by then.
I'm on oestrogen vaginal pessaries now, as I started getting recurring UTIs, or at least the debilitating symptoms of them, three or four years ago. They are holding them at bay, but that's all.

I would be interested to know if your friend has had much success in women so long after the menopause. Can HRT reverse over ten years of deterioration and restore something that seems long-gone?

One good thing is that at least the next generation seem much more aware of potential post-menopausal problems, and the perimenopause too. My DiL in her mid 40s has mentioned the subject a few times. She and her friends seem well prepared.

Oldnproud

One good thing is that at least the next generation seem much more aware of potential post-menopausal problems, and the perimenopause too. My DiL in her mid 40s has mentioned the subject a few times. She and her friends seem well prepared.

Yes...they’re much more aware than we were. However, I’m always conscious of the fact HRT is not for everyone, and shouldn’t be pushed as if it is.

I’ve heard many stories of women being quite ill. I also know many women, myself included, who had a few difficulties, but are now past it and feeling fine.

There is no guarantee you would have felt any better, had you taken HRT, and there’s nothing to show the women who do take it, wouldn’t have felt better anyway, without the need to pump their bodies with drugs.

Take care.

Have sex to keep a man happy? Really? Have we not moved on at all. We are not here for their pleasure. I would never have sex to keep a man happy. Marriage or partnerships should be about being happy with each other and that doesn’t mean having to have sex. Love, hugs and cuddles can portray our love for each other without having sex but it is up to the individual. Never feel pressured into doing it though.

So, should the other person in the relationship just go without, in order to keep their partner happy?

No they have to make a decision about whether they can be in a relationship without sex or not. I dont know about other people but the thought of having sex with someone who doesnt want to have sex makes me feel ill.

Me too, but I don't think it's for one person in a relationship to decide how things will be.
It has to be agreed by both.

During the menopause I was subject to week long spells of heavy bleeding, which could have put an end to our love life but did not. I developed many ways of giving him pleasure without vaginal intercourse. This made him and me happy, as loving him dearly, his pleasure was my pleasure - just like often making him his favourite meals while having something different myself.

Once the menopause was over, things returned to normal with the addition of our new repertoire to spice things up.

I am afraid with regard to consent to sex it can only be down to one person. The person saying no. As I say the other person obviously has the right to say I can't cope with no sex in a relationship.

Exactly, which means a discussion has to take place.

DiscoDancer You are absolutely right. HRT doesn't suit everyone.
You are incorrect to equate HRT with pumping ones body full of drugs. It is replacing a natural hormone, oestrogen in much the same way that insulin replaces the missing natural hormone for diabetics.

Esspee, HRT replaces with manufactured hormones. I know there are plant hormones which can help with the stimulation of your own natural oestrogen, but not sure how effective this is.

Supplements are probably just as good for some people..( me included). So Magnesium, Vit D and B.

If you’re taking prescribed HRT, then this is not natural.

I’m glad you feel so well, but so do I. So you can’t say for definite, that it’s due to HRT, in the same way I can’t say it isn’t for you. I know it isn’t for me, because I’ve never taken it.

Take care.

I've never taken HRT despite very early menopause, due to chemotherapy and later, total hysterectomy. No problems. Very happy being drug free.