Son is troubled about partner stopping breast feeding

VioletSky

It's easy

Never be a guest in a home with a new baby. Take lunch, make your own tea

Tell them no tidying for your visit, you are visiting them, not the house

Don't focus all your attention on baby

Don't have expectations about babysitting or alone time with baby, wait until asked

Consult parents on gifts for baby to ensure need and use

Give the baby back to mum if fussing unless mum gives you the baby asking for help with fussing

No unsolicited advice

Listen and support, don't side with arguments

Be grandma and mum, not a challenge

Excellent list!

To your last point: there is no challenge to GP - they're done being baby parents. Not GP circus, nor their monkey.

As I posted, we see here on GN GP's seeking advice especially when they're GP's for the first time. There's nothing wrong or any shame in a GP finding their new role a challenge; quite the opposite I'd have thought.

Not all mums can breast feed. Having to use a breast pump sounds as if there is a problem. Not all babies latch on, some are slightly tongue tied. The important thing is that baby gets the necessary nourishment so if baby can’t breast feed for whatever reason formula is the answer. It may not be that mum is lazy and doesn’t want to breast feed. Maybe she can’t.I’m not sure it is appropriate for your ds to be discussing this with his mum. He needs to support his wife. No wonder new mums get post natal depression.

I think my DP followed all those rules, Violetsky except the first one.
They stayed for a month.

There was no paternity leave in those days, DH was working very long hours and they made sure he was fed and watered too when he came home.
Their place seemed to be in the kitchen, cleaning, gardening seeing to visitors.

Mum would take the fretful baby when I'd had enough.

They Knew Their Place and we were very grateful.

That's true Avalon and can feel guilty if for whatever reason they're unable to breast feed.

silverlining48

Breastfeeding is not for anyone to decide other than the mother. Your son should support his partner not criticise.
I found bf quite painful so stopped at 6 weeks. My decision.
Don’t get involved.

Good advice.
Bottle feeding can be a more relaxed experience for both mother and child.
Also means that dad can take his turn and bond with the baby.
Entirely up to the mother.

Callistemon21

I think my DP followed all those rules, Violetsky except the first one.
They stayed for a month.

There was no paternity leave in those days, DH was working very long hours and they made sure he was fed and watered too when he came home.
Their place seemed to be in the kitchen, cleaning, gardening seeing to visitors.

Mum would take the fretful baby when I'd had enough.

They Knew Their Place and we were very grateful.

That's truly wonderful

And, as I struggled with breastfeeding DC1, I feel sorry for that young mother.

There is nothing inherently challenging about being a grandparent.

It's a support role.

The challenges are faced by the parents and the grandparents have the option to give the support that is needed or wanted or not too as autonomous adults.

Having expectations that aren't met by the parents is a self created challenge and not attached to the role itself. As is getting overly involved in the parents relationships and parenting decisions.

Anyone who is finding their role as a grandparent challenging would indeed need advice as its not a role that should be challenging as long as the parents are able to fulfill their role as primary care givers...

As most comments state, the grandparent role should not be a role that comments on a mother's choice to breastfeed or where she and baby live, especially as the OP states she is mothering well.

I think if my DS had even suggested that DDIL was being lazy when she had a month-old baby, I'd have had a quiet but very firm word in his ear.
He wouldn't have done, though.

I second your last para VS. I can’t imagine how awful it must be to have your chosen method of feeding your baby discussed and criticised, and a grandparent saying they ‘feel sad’ about it. It’s nobody’s decision, or business, but the mother’s.

Callistemon21

And, as I struggled with breastfeeding DC1, I feel sorry for that young mother.

I moved from bottle feeding to breastfeeding. My family encouraged bottle feeding as a young parent and had me convinced I couldn't produce the perfect blend of nutrients formula can.

I did then move to breastfeeding and my goodness, even with expert support, those first weeks were incredibly painful.

I never had a great supply and my whole life was turned to pumping in between feeds, watching my diet and fluid... not to mention the hours as a human dummy, the growth spurts, cluster feeding...

It's not lazy to say, i can't do this anymore when there is an alternative

Me too Callistemon and I'll never forget how relieved and somewhat surprised I was when the ward sister, a great advocate of breast feeding, came along with a little bottle of formula and popped in into DS little mouth.

How rich, a man classifying a woman, his partner, of lazy when she doesn't do anything he wants!

Your son can go to the doctor and be given pills so he can lactate

I would call out OP's son and tell him to support his partner

Unless, it is scenario no. 2 and the mother is not breastfeeding due to family pressure, bad doctors' advice...
Still shame on your son

Op

Tell your son to use a pimp every 2-3 hours during the say and once a night, for a week

Let's see how lazy he is

Pump lol

If this mum wants to stop breast feeding then that is what she must do! If you are able to speak to your son tell him the baby has benefitted from a month of mum's milk. Remind him that a happy baby needs a happy mum - good luck !

Thespigran
I am so sorry you have found yourself in the line of fire with some very harsh, critical and very unhelpful responses. You came on here for some tips on how to help your son with a life changing situation. Is this his first child? A new parent also, not just the baby's mum is new to this. And perhaps your 1st grandchild? Everyone wants to do their best by the new baby but nobody is sure what that is. We learn parenting skills on the job don't we. I do also think it is perfectly OK for your son to discuss his worries and concerns with you, whatever they are. He trusts you and respects your advice. He won't be able to have this chat down the pub will he? He just needs the same as you, pointing gently in the right direction with love and support. Being a new parent can be a very scary place, full of mixed advice which is often confusing, even from some 'professionals'. And it takes a little of time to settle into parenthood. And who has always got it right every time. We make mistakes and learn from them. As did I and every other parent. I wish your son and his family all the very best.

I couldn't breastfeed my first baby. The birth was traumatic and both of us nearly died, so my milk supply shut down, and the baby was in SCU for a few days, during which time I was mostly unconscious, and the milk didn't come back. I bottle fed, and it was absolutely fine - in fact I bottle fed the second baby too, as I found that despite being in NCT and really wanting to breastfeed the bottle actually worked well for us as a family.

I would have massively resented being assumed to be lazy, or any implication that I wasn't doing the best for my babies. My husband knew that there was no alternative with the first one, and that it was my decision anyway. He was happy to join in with feeding both of them, so we shared the sleepless nights and both bonded with both children. If he had brought his mother into the situation in any way I would have thought it really inappropriate. I believe that as the mother it was my decision to do things the way that worked for me (although any choice in the matter was taken away as it happened). As the father, maybe he had a right to an opinion, but if we had disagreed on that I think he should have conceded to me. Outside of that, it had nothing to do with anyone else, including grandparents, and unless I had asked for advice I would have been furious with him for involving others.

Hithere

Pump lol

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I thought your original comment seemed a bit out there.....🤣🤣🤣🤣

New cell, autocorrect is not trained yet

One of the moments I remember most fondly about my much missed MIL was her taking my crying baby from me and handing me a glass of wine (I wasnt breastfeeding at this stage), so we might need to add alcohol to the good grandparenting guide.

I breast fed all mine because I'm lazy, couldn't stand the idea of all that sterilising!
But every mother has the right to decide if she should breastfeed and if she isn't happy doing it the baby will pick up on that. Better a happy mum bottle feeding than a stressed one passing her feelings onto the baby as she breastfeeds.

VioletSky

It's easy

Never be a guest in a home with a new baby. Take lunch, make your own tea

Tell them no tidying for your visit, you are visiting them, not the house

Don't focus all your attention on baby

Don't have expectations about babysitting or alone time with baby, wait until asked

Consult parents on gifts for baby to ensure need and use

Give the baby back to mum if fussing unless mum gives you the baby asking for help with fussing

No unsolicited advice

Listen and support, don't side with arguments

Be grandma and mum, not a challenge

I agree with all your suggestions but no, it's not easy, depending on personalities, how different people interpret behaviours etc. Sensitivities can be heightened to the nth degree and not always with fault on the GPs part.

And not every mother can even if they want to glorianna