Son is troubled about partner stopping breast feeding

An example might be how "taking your own lunch /tea" even after saying that's what you'll do. Easily interpreted as "not liking our food" or "thinking we can't cope" , especially when sensitivities are high in new parents learning the ropes. So...it's just NOT "easy"!

I feel sorry for your sons partner in this situation. I'm sure she's not lazy. Perhaps she's tired from the birth, broken sleep and possibly lacking in confidence in her very new role as a parent.
As long as baby is loved, thriving and healthy, it is surely up to her how she feeds her baby.

I hope other family members are giving her some support.

No, it's easy to be a support rather than be a challenge as a grandparent

Just ask the new parents if unsure what they want or need right now

Madgran77

An example might be how "taking your own lunch /tea" even after saying that's what you'll do. Easily interpreted as "not liking our food" or "thinking we can't cope" , especially when sensitivities are high in new parents learning the ropes. So...it's just NOT "easy"!

I think it's "easy" if the outsider waits for instruction and invite.

If invited, at all - just ask, if inclined to think food/tea is truly necessary - "may I bring tea and biscuits?" Listen and hear the answer.

Easy? Yes, don't be intrusive.

Fleurpepper

Is the family from a different culture? In some countries, it is a control thing as the matriach want to be in charge. I have known this from 3 colleagues in the past, living in extended families.

No-one commented on this post.

The mother should not be told what to do by any mother-in-law- or indeed her own mother, or any matriarch.

Every time I am very poorly, my best friend of my whole life will turn up, inform me she doesn't want my lurgi thank you and here is a bag of my favourite things to keep me going.

She started her parenting journey 10 years after I did. I had 4 children when she had her first one. I could have easily given all sorts of unsolicited advice but I didn't. I helped when asked and made suggestions when asked and I got to be the first person to cuddle all the babies because I was the one who knew what she needed when I visited and if I was unsure I asked.

Relationships are easy when not invested in having any measure of control or say in how the other lives. When not judging the washing up in the sink or their being wrapped up in a dressing gown surviving their first nights as a new mum.

Challenges are external to the relationship... situations and things that happen. For example, baby being poorly is something that impacts everyone. The relationship breaking down between parents impacts everyone. However even then, the grandparents role is a support role, be there, listen... if you need to vent that's what friends are for.

The role of being grandparent in itself is not challenging at all

There's nothing wrong with a son sharing any concerns with his own mother. ThespiGran's son has apologised to her for what he said, realising that he was wrong. Being married doesn't mean that a husband or wife shouldn't ask their mother for support or guidance.

Smileless

Depends on the concerns

Yes it does Hithere.

VioletSky

Relationships are easy when not invested in having any measure of control or say in how the other lives. When not judging the washing up in the sink or their being wrapped up in a dressing gown surviving their first nights as a new mum.

I'm not always in agreement with you VS on other matters - but my goodness, you are spot on with this.

Quite a profound comment.

To the OP: Your DIL needs support, not criticism, perhaps tell your son that? - you sound sensitive and caring and are obviously cautious of upsetting her further. Just be there if she needs you, there's not much else you can do.
And congratulations! Your GC shares the same name as my son - who is a now a happy and healthy 50 year old, and who was also only BF for 6 weeks.

I don't believe either set of parents should talk about concerns in their AC marriage. It's intrusive to the person being talked about.

Colours the parental view to the AC-in-law.

Therapy is appropriate.

One concern here that I have, is that her parents keep buying the formula.

Pressure can come in many guises. I remember the days when I went home after a C-Section, as nursing staff kept feeding my baby formula, to let me sleep- knowing full well I was keen to BF and to establish BF.

As said above, I know of many cases where the mother, not the MIL, has either totally discouraged their daughter from BF, and in some case, almost or fully forcing her to bottle feed t hand them 'control'.

It can go both ways. And this especially in some cultures.

I also know of a few men who did the same- totally undermining the mother's confidence in her ability to BF, rather than support her in her choice.

Put well, Marthjolly1

I think the son is also struggling (and has been doing bottles not just sitting by).
Maybe mum is emotionally exhausted and not functioning as well as she usually does.
Maybe she is overwhelmed with the help from her own parents and can't say no? This "help" isn't always as welcome as it appears.

Just a thought.

VioletSky

No, it's easy to be a support rather than be a challenge as a grandparent

Just ask the new parents if unsure what they want or need right now

But that's my point..a GP can ask what they need, offer to bring your own food as you suggested so not making more work and that offer can be interpreted in a range of ways, regardless of what the GPs intention in the offer is!

Norah but even your suggestion of asking in tge way you say cam be interpreted incorrectly depending on personalities. As I said, I agree with all the suggestions VS made, I just don't think it is "easy"

Sure if you like, but it's not a challenge and definitely shouldn't be treated like one

When not judging the washing up in the sink or their being wrapped up in a dressing gown surviving

But some personalities, possibly because of past experiences etc, might well believe they are being judged when they are not...even more so at such a sensitive time! It is not a one-way street of the GPs doing all the right things and it all being alright, lots of sensitivities are involved beyond just "doing the right things", on both sides and its not "easy"!

VioletSky

Sure if you like, but it's not a challenge and definitely shouldn't be treated like one

OK! I didn't say it was "a challenge", I just said it wasn't "easy"!

I'm not sure I've got anything else to add really

We don't have to agree

Don’t get upset by the comments. Most are trying to help - you will see different points of view. In time you’ll be able to balance these views in your head and will workout which are useful to you. ( I know as I’ve been in the firing line on gransnet before! )
It seems your son is keen for breastfeeding to continue, I think you need to reassure him that his partner has done well so far. If she’s not happy to continue that’s fine. I can remember feeling drained and exhausted, and wishing someone else could feed baby instead of me. Baby will thrive - it’s had a great start.

I would feel very undermined if my husband discussed about me breast feeding with his mother. It’s up to the babies mother, her decision, what right have her husband or anyone else to tell her what she does with her baby, her body. She is probably exhausted and feeling low, if they were bothered, just ask her if there is anything they can do to help her instead of questioning her about how she raises her baby. I know loads of babies bottle fed, thriving just the same as breast fed babies.

VioletSky

I'm not sure I've got anything else to add really

We don't have to agree

But I'm not actually disagreeing with you....in my first comment I said I agreed with all your suggestions, and I still do. My only point is that I don't think its "easy" , I think it's sensitive and needs care at such a sensitive time. That's not making it a challenge, just part of the tapestry that make up relationships.

I'm not disagreeing, more building on the nuances and subtleties of your original valid suggestions.

Anyway ...interesting to consider.

Allsorts

I would feel very undermined if my husband discussed about me breast feeding with his mother. It’s up to the babies mother, her decision, what right have her husband or anyone else to tell her what she does with her baby, her body. She is probably exhausted and feeling low, if they were bothered, just ask her if there is anything they can do to help her instead of questioning her about how she raises her baby. I know loads of babies bottle fed, thriving just the same as breast fed babies.

Good answer Allsorts.
I like that the OP acknowledges that it’s the mother’s body.
Wondering if her DH was sharing criticism (like the son is) about her decision to stop breast feeding would have been an added stress at an already stressful time. Hopefully she’ll never know.

I guess it depends how you look at it

Supporting parents is always going to be easy in comparison to them actually parenting... unless the role is viewed in a self important way... not surethats the right phrase but haven't got the right one

Sorry I misunderstood Madgran