Son is troubled about partner stopping breast feeding

Thank you to the people who were kind.

The short version- i agree with Oopsadaisy1 - and also if baby is thriving & well, tell him to do more bottle feeds himself, and more around the house to help everyone.And to start supporting his wife not bad-mouthing her..none of us on here as mums ourselves are going to side with your son sorry.🤨

Say nothing .

In my experience , personal opinions with grown up children doesn't go down well .

In fairness to your daughter in law breastfeeding isn't always great .

My son nearly ripped my nipples off as he was so restless -constantly craning his head to see what was going on when I breast fed him .

The first month is the most important to pass on the immunity from mother to baby...if your son's partner now wants to bottle feed to bottlefeed then that's up to her...your son can also get fully involved & do some of the feeds

Well he’s a lovely supportive husband calling her lazy isn’t he? ! And tired, as though that’s an insult. Of course she’s tired. I’d give him a flea in his ear and tell him to get some respect.

Please don't feel criticised. It's a totally new experience for parents and grandparents. My DiL breast fed until 2 1/2 years, far too long I thought but I managed to say nothing. I have learnt not to say much at all. The other day my son volunteered that his partner can be over anxious and he and she discuss that. I said that's great. My advice is to say nothing unless asked and even then be very careful indeed. Very difficult I find. The main thing is to try to keep good relationships with everyone. Hard I know. When I say the wrong thing I am consumed with guilt and worry for days. Good luck and all the best.

Doula and BF peer supporter here. It’s sad for the son but it’s really mum’s choice 150%. A month of breastmilk is a lot better than none. At least the baby’s microbiome will have had a good start. Of course if there’s a bug going round, the family need to be aware that the formula fed baby isn’t protected by mum’s antibodies so extra caution needed.
If they have another baby I’d recommend a book by Emma Pickett, “You’ve Got It In You” - short and the best guide to starting BF I’ve read lately.
If the grandparents are buying formula, that’s a subtle, or non-so-subtle perhaps, way of persuading her in one direction. Alas, it doesn’t work to add pressure in another direction.
Lots of mums do mixed feeding. Lucy Ruddle’s book “Mixed Up” is a good guide in that respect.

Yammy- 'deformed breasts'? Was curious what this meant? Does it mean 'inverted nipples' by any chance? I have those and when i was a young teenage bride & mum to be it got put on my notes by a formidable hospital clinic midwife (with an exclamation mark & note "to bottlefeed") so no one ever even bothered-and i never questioned it. by next child 4yrs later i explained about last time and a lovely midwife asked "but did you want to?" And so then i was given lots of extra help and managed to breastfeed 6 months- next 2 children bf for almost a year.So i dont think of inverted nipples as a problem to at least trying to breast feed.It can be more tricky but with patience & techniques & support it is possible.But if for any reason a mum cant or doesnt want to then quite frankly its their choice no one elses.😐

Simple. Stay out of it.

This is absolutely her choice. Her body so she knows herself best and she is certainly not lazy.

No one's business but the mother's , I'd rather have a happy mum and baby than a potentially stressed one, why are you even allowing your son to call her lazy she's a new mum with a 4week old I'll bet she's exhausted , tell him to stay home and do all the feeds day and night see if that suits , support the girl don't judge her

I tried so hard to breast feed my first boy , it was a nightmare and I have awful memories of mastitis, so I introduced bottle feeding and never looked back . My son is now 6 ft 2 and 34 !
My health visitor was lovely and said ‘ if you look in the playground at all the children, can you tell which are bottle and which are breast fed !
I tried again with my second boy and managed for 4 weeks. ,
Whatever makes the mum happy over the first , really difficult weeks of motherhood, then that is what mum should do . It is nothing to do with anyone else.
When my DIL said she was not going to breastfeed, I supported her , and wouldn’t have ever tried to persuade her otherwise.

As I see it, it is entirely up to the mother if she chooses to breastfeed or not. Why is your son 'distressed"? I ask because I've never met a man who has become 'distressed' that his baby is not being breast fed. That seems highly unusual to me as generally it's women who would go through such emotions. Men, in my experience, are generally not too bothered about such things.....unless of course, the distress possibly comes from the idea that the man might have to be involved in part of the feeding process, especially at night.

It worries me that your son calls his wife lazy and tired. Perhaps a few nights of bottle feeding himself might create a little more understanding? Or perhaps his wife IS lazy, I don't know; I have no idea but I can definitely understand that she might be feeling very tired.

I don't know; perhaps I'm being cynical. It just doesn't sound like the most loving, caring, happy situation to me, which is a shame for them all.

Exactly her body her baby … least she did a month
Mine all did well on formula are Grandparents themselves now
Never interfere or comment unless asked ….

Obviously your son shouldn’t be talking to you about this. It’s between him and his partner. I’d have been devastated had my husband spoken about me to his mother without me knowing!

He says she’s lazy? I’d be thinking more about tackling the vile rhetoric from your son. She’s literally just given birth and it’s really no one’s business but hers.

Nannan2

Yammy- 'deformed breasts'? Was curious what this meant? Does it mean 'inverted nipples' by any chance? I have those and when i was a young teenage bride & mum to be it got put on my notes by a formidable hospital clinic midwife (with an exclamation mark & note "to bottlefeed") so no one ever even bothered-and i never questioned it. by next child 4yrs later i explained about last time and a lovely midwife asked "but did you want to?" And so then i was given lots of extra help and managed to breastfeed 6 months- next 2 children bf for almost a year.So i dont think of inverted nipples as a problem to at least trying to breast feed.It can be more tricky but with patience & techniques & support it is possible.But if for any reason a mum cant or doesnt want to then quite frankly its their choice no one elses.😐

Yes my MIL did have inverted nipples but would never admit it, she had to be perfect.
It all came clear one cold summer day when my nipples were showing how cold I was and I put a cardigan on.DH's gran piped up our H.... doesn't have that problem she'd deformed you know pointing to her daughter's nipples she told everyone at the table they wouldn't go erect.
You can imagine the splutters and sniggers, and I realised her actions to me . I could do something she couldn't,...breast feed.
Though when I was having DD in a maternity hospital in N/C we were asked who wanted to breastfeed and examined by a nurse and those with inverted nipples were given a plastic contraption to draw them out. So if you really want to with help and support you can as you say.
Some women don't want to they see it as part of their sexual allure to their partners and not about feeding the baby. Their choice.

Did your young relation tell you why she will stop breast feeding?

Sometimes a mother in law can endorse what her daughter in law is doing, and inform her son to that effect. This happened with me and my own mother in law.

They all go to school, grow up etc whether they are breast fed or not, it’s all good!
I’m more concerned about him calling the mother lazy, that’s so awful. it’s a miracle if you manage to get dressed when baby is so tiny and demanding.
More help from him please, and more love and care for his wife.

So much caring and thoughtful advice given above but basically it should be the woman's choice. It didn't used to be so.
My son was born in hospital in Salford in 1966. We were not encouraged to breastfeed even though I longed to. The babies were taken from us in the evening and put in a collective nursery where we could hear them crying but we had been ordered to fill them up with formula prior to this as they would then be able to go through the night alone. Both my husband and my mother went along with this barbaric treatment. My second child was born at home 13 months later and the doctor who came to stitch me appeared with tablets to dry up my milk. My 3rd child was born, also at home, 16 years later and I breast fed her for far too long and it was bliss. Oddly enough she is the adult most filled with 'the milk of human kindness'!

I'd be reading the riot act to the DS he doesn't sound like a supportive partner

It must be entirely the choice of the mother - it isn't easy for everyone and one month will have given the baby a good start. I never managed it - no help at all with first; subject not even mentioned in hospital, second arrived as first was going to school and the schedule meant I was running about all day and didn't seem to produce enough. Second baby was content when put on to bottle feeding - she never had been with my efforts.

DiL can express her milk and your DS can then feed the baby doing his bit of helping out the lazy mother. Wonder how long he'll last with the task.

I wouldn't say anything. Her body, her choice, and the why is none of our business (as a grandmother I mean). If perhaps the moment comes they're visiting together and the subject of breastfeeding comes up, I would still not push it but maybe carefully ask DIL if she felt comfortable breastfeeding. Then take it from there. Maybe she'll open up to you if she feels she can trust you not to judge her harshly. Just don't take sides.

Please do not question the dil how she chooses to feed her child

What an invasion of privacy!