Gransnet forums


Desperate for advice please ..

(103 Posts)
DeeDe Mon 16-Jan-23 11:13:31

Really need some advice please
Around a 6 weeks ago I met really nice man in his late 60s same age as myself
I felt sorry for him as alone over Xmas, and invited him round for Xmas dinner he lives about 30 mins drive away
His popped over once or somtimes twice a week since, the last time yesterday
His now talking long term and should I want to move into his home etc I thought at first we may get along fine, but did try to slow him down,
I started getting my doubts about our compatibility, as there seems now not much we like the same, ie holidays, tv programmes, day to day running of the home etc and realised his a off for a drink while wifey cooks meals, then in armchair while wifey washes and tidies up .. very old school and says how his deceased wife did this and that, he leaves after around 3 hours and I’m then stuck with all the washing up he brings meetfree food he likes for me to cook, and did buy us fish and chips last week ..
he turns my tv up so loud, turns the big lights on, where I like just side lights, he doesn’t even like the same food as me.
It’s all only his way as his not unkind and somehow his very kind
But I’m now starting to dread him coming over, and his continuous daily phone calls
His told his family about me, and how lovely I am and their looking forward to meeting me
I’m dreading telling him, I don’t want to continue seeing him, how the heck do I tell and put it to him without being unkind
He even said yesterday I should think about getting a divorce incase I want to re marry again ..I’m in a pickle here
Appreciate any advice please

Davida1968 Mon 16-Jan-23 11:16:19

What is your gut feeling about this? I'd listen to it, very carefully indeed....

Sparklefizz Mon 16-Jan-23 11:16:49

Run a mile !!

Callistemon21 Mon 16-Jan-23 11:19:20

No shilly shallying, trying to be kind, trying not to hurt his feelings.
He's looking for another woman to see to his every need.

Just tell him it's not working for you.

Dee1012 Mon 16-Jan-23 11:23:03

Surely it's worse to let this situation continue?

Personally I'd tell him that right now you don't want a relationship, you enjoy your own company etc....that's an easier way out for you.

Smileless2012 Mon 16-Jan-23 11:23:13

Tell him that you don't see the relationship going anywhere as you don't have very much in common so don't see any point in continuing.

Do it today Deede as the longer this goes on, the harder it might be.

Good luckflowers.

MerylStreep Mon 16-Jan-23 11:23:45

You’ve obviously been worrying about this for some time.
Sooner or later your going to have to tell him.
You could have emailed, text, phoned in the time it has taken to post what you did here.
And right now you would have that load lifted off your shoulders.
Procrastination is the thief of time.

Caleo Mon 16-Jan-23 11:27:01

Tell him " Bugger off, I don't want to marry you".

silverlining48 Mon 16-Jan-23 11:27:33

You only met him 6 weeks ago and already having concerns. It sounds like he’s made himself too much at home at your house and already irritating you.
You know what you need to do, so do it now.

Callistemon21 Mon 16-Jan-23 11:28:10

Caleo 😂

Ginny42 Mon 16-Jan-23 11:32:33

Get out of your 'pickle'! You say you dread him coming over and you dislike that he phones daily. Your decision is made really, and gut feelings are seldom wrong! You just need the right words to put it across to him firmly. The others have come up with some excellent suggestions, just do it.

Good luck flowers

dragonfly46 Mon 16-Jan-23 11:34:23

I would tell him the truth that you don't feel you have anything in common and don't have the same values.
Also tell him that you do not want a live in partner at this time as you value your independence.
Sometimes it is kinder to be direct.

hazel93 Mon 16-Jan-23 11:36:04


Tell him " Bugger off, I don't want to marry you".

Exactly right !!

Oopsadaisy1 Mon 16-Jan-23 11:36:43

Tell him not to come over but to meet somewhere for a coffee because you need to have a ‘Talk’ , then tell him that you are sorry, he’s really kind etc.etc. then wave him goodbye.

Much easier to tell him outside your home, because you get to decide when to leave.

If I ever tell MrOops that ‘we need to talk’ , he knows somethings up!

ParlorGames Mon 16-Jan-23 11:38:13

Just say that you're quite happy and settled where you are living. Add that you are not looking for a long term relationship either.
From what you have said in the OP he is simply looking for a replacement wife to wait on him hand and foot.......the fact that he leaves you with the washing up speaks volumes to be honest; the first meal could be excused but repeated occasions are a red flag.
Stop this now before you get to deep.

Smileless2012 Mon 16-Jan-23 11:38:26

Mr. S. is the same Oopsadaisy.

silverlining48 Mon 16-Jan-23 11:41:38

Notice he was alone at Christmas yet has a family. There may be nothing in that but....just wondering ..

SachaMac Mon 16-Jan-23 11:42:19

He doesn’t sound like he is the right man for you, don’t feel sorry for him if your instincts are saying it’s not right. I would end it as quickly as you can in the kindest way possible. Remind him that it’s only 6 weeks since you met & far too soon to think about the long term. Tell him you want to keep your own space and independence etc
If he is like this so early on in the relationship what hope is there further down the line! He may have some good points but he also sounds very old fashioned and self centred, it sounds like he needs a housekeeper more than a wife and equal partner. You could let him down gently by just seeing him occasionally as a friend, the odd meal out, cinema trip etc and phase it out that way but it sounds like you have such very different tastes in everything that even that wouldn’t work. I think I’d run for the hills.

Norah Mon 16-Jan-23 11:43:13


Tell him not to come over but to meet somewhere for a coffee because you need to have a ‘Talk’ , then tell him that you are sorry, he’s really kind etc.etc. then wave him goodbye.

Much easier to tell him outside your home, because you get to decide when to leave.

If I ever tell MrOops that ‘we need to talk’ , he knows somethings up!

This ^

"And wave him goodbye"

Philippa111 Mon 16-Jan-23 11:53:56

It seems his wife was his servant and he's wanting to put you in that slot. He sounds selfish, rude and very insensitive to you and what you want/need. It's like he's walked in and taken over!! But it also sounds that you have not been able to put down any boundaries with this man. If it has got physical that will make extricating yourself a bit more difficult but you still owe this man nothing. He is not your family or your partner.

Rejecting someone is never easy ,so just accept that it will be uncomfortable for the short moment of doing it... and then you are free of the ongoing horrible stuff that is currently going on and causing you anxiety and distress.
I think you could just say that this is not what you are looking for right now. If there is anything in that relationship you do want, you might want to say it....something like I don't want all of this but I would be taken out for a meal once a fortnight/month or a shopping trip etc. If there are parts of the time with him that you do like, take those bits. Again you owe this man nothing at this point

If you are lonely and need some company, and many of us are in that position at this age, I would suggest joining a dating site.
I know of lots of older people, nice men and women, who have found companionship and even partners that way.

In any case it sounds like you know what you want to do but are afraid to do it.

Can I suggest that if/when you do it you arrange to meet outside of your home for a coffee or shopping to break the news, then you can walk away when it feels the right time for you and not have to linger with him and his reply and also you won't have the memory of it in your home.

Good luck!

geeljay Mon 16-Jan-23 11:56:03

From what you say, this one is not good for you. I think your gut feeling is telling you so. Tell him, kindly, you are not ready for the sort of relationship he is seeking. Be firm and positive. Please.

ExDancer Mon 16-Jan-23 11:56:05

But HOW to do the deed.?
Its a case of being cruel to be kind.
I don't think you want to lose his company by the sound of it.

So next time when its time for him to go, perhaps look at your watch and say "we've 15 minutes before you need to leave, how about giving me a hand to wash-up?"

If you get a straightforward "its not my job" don't say a word, just get his coat and open the door. No 'goodbyes' NO kisses or pecks on the cheek, just silence.

Likewise, next time he mentions moving in together say "I value my independence too much for that step". Whatever you do, don't soften it with 'just yet' or 'I'm afraid' or 'I'm sorry'. No explanation. Just silence and wait for him to break it.

Straight and to the point so he knows where he stands.

Theexwife Mon 16-Jan-23 11:57:15

It is going to be one awkward phone call and then it will be over.

You could say that it has been nice spending time with him but you don't want this to go further and that he should meet someone that wants the same as him.

Bridgeit Mon 16-Jan-23 12:31:11

Oopsadaisy , is spot on , don’t delay, best wishes

sodapop Mon 16-Jan-23 12:42:37

In the grand scheme of things this is a very short relationship Deede I wouldn't worry too much about ending it. There is no easy way to say what you need to say so be honest about how you feel and make it clear there is no future for you together.
Oopsadaisy had the right idea, go for it and good luck.