95yr old frail stubborn mother

You need to make clear to SS that you are Mum’s next of kin. There will be some information which is protected but they should be willing to engage with you.

I would also have everything documented and go to the police, although there may not be much they can do if your Mother has capacity and insists she wants the neighbour.

Managed to get to see her despite the bitter cold weather and not being use to my power chair ,nearly ran her over (joking). At first she was cold and bitchy. Considering we haven't seen each other for three years. She was going on about being fed up with people telling her to do this and that. I said we are all just trying to help her. I said "you seem angry " she said she was. Hated the Carehome just wants to get home and look after herself. My husband repeated we are trying to help her and even with my disabilities and injuries and not to take it out on me. She then calmed and spoke better to me. By the time we left she said she was glad to see us. One thing that strikes us both is her confusion it is bad now and her memory is worse. I can see how someone could take advantage of her.
We will let her settle in at home then see what happens and if she will start to listen to me again and not to you know who who definitely has her hooks into her.

I didn’t realise you hadn’t seen your mother for nearly three years. I realise you have had a disabling injury and then covid restrictions kicked in, but even so three years is a very long time. How far away do you live and did anybody else in the family, such as your husband, help her during this time? How have you keep in touch? I’m beginning to wonder if the neighbour has been a genuine lifeline, especially during lockdowns. This may put a very different complexion on things. Apologies if I have missed something.

That kind of distance does seem a lot (three years) and even though you've had your own problems it's probably left your Mother open to opportunists. 95 year old's don't stop needing people just because their kids are injured or unable to be there, so the neighbour may as GSM says, have been a lifeline even though you were unable to be there for your own genuine reasons.

I know for my parents and inlaws a week is a lot for them to wait in between visits. Lockdown was very hard and with your own disabilities and injuries maybe your Mum did not want to burden you?

I can imagine many older people giving up and securing for themselves a younger neighbour if they felt scared, lonely or neglected, too. Not an easy situation, but a lot depends whether she has capacity or not.

I have been turning this over in my mind and am beginning to wonder what human company the frail, 95 year old mother would have without the neighbour. How would she have managed to shop, pay her bills (pita says she writes very badly and the neighbour writes cheques), maybe cook herself a meal? The neighbour now visits her every day in the home. pita hasn’t seen her for almost three years . I’m veering towards the conclusion that the neighbour has offered genuine friendship and help to someone in need and that on the basis of what pita has now said, a solicitor to whom she tells the whole story may advise her not to try to contest the will. The solicitor who prepared the latest will would have been satisfied of her mental capacity before witnessing her signature. I wish we had been told more at the outset. I feel I have maligned the neighbour.

I think the OP reads very differently with the knowledge that there has been no visit for three years.

That is the scenario I was afraid of - OP, let it go

There is no proof this person is harming your mother, she seems to be helping her a lot, in fact

Have non of you bothered to read what I said in the beginning? I have not seen my mother for three years not by my choice but circumstances. I will repeat for those of you who need it. Jan 2020 had a serious fall broke both arms fractured spine in two place unable to walk. Ok?
In hospital over two months. Oh by the way it usually takes 6 weeks for breaks to heal as I had a spiral fracture in one arm it took 11, ok?

COVID then came during this time hospitals needed to clear people with offers of going into a Carehome or home. My husband did not want me in a home people were dying in their hundreds.
I was sent home with a hospital bed and hoist which we still use. Ok? Physio could not come to my home it was too dangerous so it was down to my husband who is STILL my full time carer and has enough on his plate looking after me


My mother knew what was happening and did NOT need help then and she was still driving!!!

During the hospital stay unbeknown to me I had developed kidney stones with then caused a serious infection called SEPSIS ever heard of it? This happened THREE times during 20/21 and it was only down to my husbands vigilance that saved me on one occasion waiting 6 hours for an ambulance.

I was then fitted with a nephrostomy bag (look it up) whilst I waited for an operation. Had that and now waiting for a second one. Are you keeping up?

Depression developed not nice. So all through this she was managing fine I kept in touch by phone regularly. Only this last 12 months she's changed SHE DOES NOT RESENT ME NOT SEEING HER I will say that much at least SHE understood.

It is only when she felt her health worsening she became bitter and nasty to ALL the family . I wonder if there was someone turning her! Who knows you don't any more than I do do but the solicitor is in agreement with me.

If I remember rightly for those of you commenting about not seeing her for three years weren't we supposed to observe the COVID rules and NOT visit certainly not risk the elderly?

PS I live over 50 miles away, every heard of direct debit for bank payments and Tesco deliveries??? I found in August last year nearly £12000 has been taken out of her Halifax account and she was taken to the Halifax by her neighbour. She put it into her HSBC with this neighbour WHO WRITES HER CHEQUES remember?

So Onwardsandupwards I resent the meaning of me allowing a opportunist to worm their way in. Hithere would you allow a fraudster to cheat your mother and family? think not.
No I will not 'let is go'

Yes, your posts have been read but they failed to give the full picture. Had you said at the outset that you had not seen your mother for three years I would certainly have taken a different view, as I believe would others. Your reasons for such a very long absence would be dissected in cross examination were you to challenge the will, and you would be reminded when covid precautions were relaxed. I can only say, thank goodness the neighbour has been helping your mother out. Otherwise how would this frail woman with poor sight and poor writing have bought food and paid her bills, and what other company would she have had? That’s a rhetorical question - I want no further involvement in this and retract the advice I have offered as it was based on less than a full picture of the circumstances.

Don’t trouble to answer that rhetorical question. I want no further involvement.

Good

paininthearse475

Good

Just plain rude, OP

paininthearse475

PS I live over 50 miles away, every heard of direct debit for bank payments and Tesco deliveries??? I found in August last year nearly £12000 has been taken out of her Halifax account and she was taken to the Halifax by her neighbour. She put it into her HSBC with this neighbour WHO WRITES HER CHEQUES remember?

So Onwardsandupwards I resent the meaning of me allowing a opportunist to worm their way in. Hithere would you allow a fraudster to cheat your mother and family? think not.
No I will not 'let is go'

Hi, I did mean what I said, but not in a critical way- just that your own painful and disabling circumstances as you have described have left your Mum with no one to turn to when she did need someone. Not your fault! It is just a fact that the neighbour has been there for her in a way you couldn't and still can't be.

I still think it's a good idea to see what your options are. The social worker could do a Needs Assessment for your Mother. Then when you know what her needs are, you could look at ways to have those needs met? Maybe you'd also benefit from one for yourself seeing as it sounds like you're not getting any outside support either.

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Alas I think most of the “callous remarks” emanated from OP who had clearly lost her temper despite kind, helpful and free advice offered out of the goodness of people’s hearts.
It is essential to give the full picture from the outset and GSM spoke from a lifetime of professional experience when she warned that the circumstances might be very much held against OP if it came to a court case.
Forewarned is forearmed.

This has happened to us

My dads only sister was elderly and frail she and my uncle had had a cleaner/ career for some time and when my uncle died the carer became my Aunties ‘friend’ and ‘daughter she never had’ They had no children so my Mum and Dad were the closest and kept a good eye on Aunty
All seemed good until my Aunty was taken into hospital very unwell and Dad went to visit her He was a bit concerned about her health and asked to speak to the dr or nurse in charge
He was refused as he wasn’t next of kin when he in puzzlement asked what they meant as he was her ONLY next of kin he was told that Mrs so and so the carer was her Next of Kin My aunty died soon after and we found her bank account which should have had at least £20,000 in it (what uncle left) was down to the bone all gone
Afterwards we found out the carer had been going for my aunty to collect her pension and had use of her bank account the whole family had recently bought a new car and had an expensive overseas holiday
We went to a solicitor but there was nothing at all we could do as my Aunty was of sound mind and the ‘carer’ said it was all given to her alli could do was report it to the agency she worked for we never heard anything else from them no acknowledgement at all My dad then in his late 80 s couldn’t feel he could do anything more but it left a very bad taste in my head

MawtheMerrier

Alas I think most of the “callous remarks” emanated from OP who had clearly lost her temper despite kind, helpful and free advice offered out of the goodness of people’s hearts.
It is essential to give the full picture from the outset and GSM spoke from a lifetime of professional experience when she warned that the circumstances might be very much held against OP if it came to a court case.
Forewarned is forearmed.

Totally agree... would have been far more helpful to give a fuller picture of the circumstances at the start.

GSM and others went out of their way to help, but the OP's reaction was unnecessary.

That’s a sad story BlueBelle. It does happen and I have known of a similar case.

Itmatters, my sympathy lay with the OP until she revealed that she hadn’t seen her mother for three years whilst living fifty miles away - not a huge distance. She had had problems during that time and covid restrictions were in place for part of it, but three solid years and never one visit? What would have happened to the old lady with nobody to do her shopping or pay her bills? How many frail 95 year olds with poor sight can operate a computer to do online shopping or banking, as OP suggested when having a rant at me? What human company would she have had without neighbour? And all those solitary Christmases, birthdays and other family occasions. The neighbour was there and even visits her daily in the care home. OP says she will contest the will in the neighbour’s favour. She needs to consider the questions she will be asked in cross examination. And to tell her solicitor the whole story. You might like to re-read the posts.

Thanks Maw and VB.

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Oh dear, I didn’t see the deleted message but obviously wasn’t too nice.

Plenty of posters admire neighbours when they help other neighbours, such as this case.

Why is OP's mother on her own? She clearly needs carers and daily assistance to live in her own home.

I think that’s largely what the neighbour was doing Hithere.

I have not re-read the thread from the beginning. There may well be circumstances that make OP think that the neighbour is taking advantage.

However, I truly resent the automatic assumption, that because the mother is 95, she is gaga and unable to make her own, very clear, decisions.

My dad was very able to do so at 96.