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Retirees- what do you & dh/dh do with your day

(84 Posts)
Clio51 Sun 26-Mar-23 10:45:37

Suppose I’m just curious about other retirees, how they fill their day, together, separately
Have you found it harder being together 24/7 ?
Has your relationship changed since finishing work?

I’m a home bird
Dp - like to get out the house every opportunity

I’m fed up doing the same things
Dp does the shopping needed for day(his choice, because he wants to get out)
I get myself ready, clean around, maybe some ironing
We then have lunch
Around 1-1.30 he will ask if I want to go anywhere, sometimes I do sometimes I don’t. I’ll do something round the house as I get fed up sometimes walking round
Gardening (weather) cleaning(usually not everyday things) anything that needs sorting really
He , never thinks of anything to to/needs sorting in the house, apart from cutting grass.
He never thinks if changing bed, defrosting freezer, dusting skirting although will give table dusting. He’d rather sit on his mobile for hour or YouTube
Never dreams of cleaning toilet, will rinse shower screen down with water.
I cook tea, he washes up . He will then put wash in, never asks if I’ve anything to add
Every night.

It started looking for things for me to do
So I started , craft session, pilates, and aqua fit just recently just to give us space
That’s all he does is go for a coffee look round shop on his day

Even when we go out together I’ve now got the feeling that really it’s a coffee that has to be included and feel resentment as that’s the only reason he wants to go

The other week we had words as I said I’m sick of going for a coffee and if I mention something different I get “ what do you want to go there for”
It escalated , with him throwing “ you only do those things because you had to do something for yourself “
I actually suffer anxiety/panic so this was a big step for me to do, but I did it and like it
The other week I was really bad with (anxiety symptom -balance) never had this in all my years of panic/anxiety and it really freaked me out. I asked would he stay in with me as I was so scared
You would of thought I’d asked for the world ! I still had to sort the tea out, he never thinks I can’t manage
Would your dp/dh stay with you feather than go out ? Was I being unreasonable to ask him ?
He always throws it in my face what he’s done, I feel completely opposite
He moans if I ask for new things for house, but will quite willingly spend £200 on something for him.

Suppose I need somebody else’s insight to am I asking too much from him ?
Is my thinking wrong regarding illness ?

MerylStreep Sun 26-Mar-23 13:43:36


You’ve posted at least twice before (2020/2021) on this subject Clio51 and were given advice then which I assume you haven’t acted on?

Not much to add, then, is there?
To be blunt, I’ve wasted too many hours with women who moan about their lot. You give good advice on housing, benefits etc and there they are back again repeating the same story.

eddiecat78 Sun 26-Mar-23 13:55:14

My friends and I have concluded that most men just don't notice untidiness/dirt/things falling to bits in the home like women do. There's no point in silently fuming that they haven't done something - they probably haven't noticed there is an issue. In an ideal world my husband would do some housework voluntarily - but unless I ask him to do something it won't occur to him that it needs doing. I do get cross that our retirement seems to involve him mostly doing things he enjoys whilst mine involves mostlydoing the essentials (otherwise we'd starve to death and live in squalor).

Marydoll Sun 26-Mar-23 13:56:29



We are happy being together 24/7 no matter what we’re doing. We like each other’s company and prior to DHs health issues we enjoyed walking, reading and just being together.

As are we Doodle We have always enjoyed each others company, sharing the load but we are joined at the heart, not at the hip and happily pursue our own interests.

If you have already been given advice for a solution OP I don’t have anything to add to the good advice already given.

My experience is similar.
DH golfs twice a week and I do my own thing.
It gives us a break from each other. We always have one day a week, where we go out together for a run or lunch.
However, much of our time is spent, with DH accompanying me to medical appointments. Depending on the hospital, we try and fit in lunch.
We share the chores too.
On the occasions we irritate each other, DH disappears to his office and I, the conservatory.
It works for us.

Soozikinzi Sun 26-Mar-23 14:17:22

Myself and my DH are cery different .He is very much a night owl I'm not exactly a lark but I do like my mornings which I spend catching up with friends , volunteering , dog walking etc . He loves reading watching sport going on his treadmill and a bit of veg gardening . We both meet our GS from school , do a pub quiz every week , meals out and go to the theatre together which seems to suffice . I think it's better to have a mix of Independent and joint activities .

Tenko Sun 26-Mar-23 14:30:07

My dh and I retired in June last year. He’s 67 I’m 63 but we decided to retire at the same time while we still have our health. We got a puppy having lost our previous dog the year before and he keeps us busy walking and training . My husband’s hobby is clay pigeon shooting which he does 2-3 times a week. We’ve started gundog training as he’s a working lab. We won’t work him but he loves having a job .
I care for my dm87 , and do occasional holiday cover for my place of work . I do yoga 2 week and wild swimming when the weather gets warmer . I also volunteer in a charity shop and am part of a litter picking group. I made the decision to try new things when I retired , hence the volunteering and wild swimming.
When it comes to housework, we tend to share chores but always have done due to both of us working .
We also share garden chores as well . He does the lawn and hedges, I do the weeding and cutting down/back .
It’s early days for us as retirees but we are very similar in that we both like bring out and about . But also like occasionally pottering around at home.
It sounds like you and your dh need a chat about what you both want from retirement.

Cossy Mon 27-Mar-23 11:57:11

I only retired last October, DH retired four years ago but was full time carer for his mum til late 2020, when she was moved to a local carehome.

We have dogs at home, two of ours and three small mini sausages belonging to one of our three remaining adult children still remaining at home (20, 22 and 25) I drive, DH doesn’t. He spends three mornings a week visiting his Mum using bus, and going on various trips with her, I meet other retired friends and still cook for us all most days and we all help around the house and living in a very old terrace, which is quite big over three floors there’s always loads of stuff to do - no time to be bored haha x

grannyro Mon 27-Mar-23 12:00:37

I have been on my own for a long time and so do not have to worry about what a partner wants to do. I do have friends in similar positions though and I think the thing is to do what you want to do and stop worrying about what he is doing. Is there any volunteering you could do for a few hours a week? I think it is a mistake to think that you have to do everything together just because you are now retired. I would try to build up my own life then you will both have different things to talk about.

Amalegra Mon 27-Mar-23 12:03:24

Sometimes I miss having a partner after my divorce many years ago. Tried dating much earlier on but my heart wasn’t in it. Never met the right person I suppose. Now I’m retired I try to fill my days as productively and as happily as I can with family, voluntary work, a few coffee mornings, adult education (when I feel like learning!) and a bit of crafting. I don’t have close friends; I have never felt the need! Acquaintanceship is fine. While my way of life might be alien to some who don’t like to be alone-and sometimes I AM lonely, no mistake- at least I am autonomous and no longer have a ‘significant other’ to worry about or cramp my style. I remind myself of that whenever I am anxious or worried about something and feel myself somewhat alone. There is indeed a price to be paid for every thing after all!

Bicycle1 Mon 27-Mar-23 12:04:26

Hi there , we are both retired , just find your own interests , do not depend on anyone else husband , partner , friend , one half day a week I clean and tidy etc , no more it is relentless, eat out once a week with hubby if suits , I do arm chair exercise , crochet , yoga , Pilates , woman’s group , meet friend , find you thing , hubby golfs every day , that’s his thing , enjoy finding out what your thing is smile

karmalady Mon 27-Mar-23 12:06:25

Best not to be joined at the hip, nor sitting around at home all day, drinking tea and watching tv. Each person needs their own hobby or interest. My husband did very well with his cycling club and on my encouragement he then found what I call` a quiet hobby`, tried painting models, nope, then found wood carving and a group and he flew

We made sure to have together times during the day eg long cycling rides with a picnic. Walks. Days out with bikes stuffed in the boot. Holidays, cinema etc

He never needed to traipse after me at home, we had our natural areas ie he cleared up after meals and I cooked. He liked ironing, so he ironed and he cleaned the showers, made the bed etc. We made sure to live in a 4 bed house, he had his room and me, my room

Cossy Mon 27-Mar-23 12:19:32

I must agree, harsh as it might sound, with Shepherdsmum and Merylstreep - don’t worry about the rest of us, firstly do something to help your anxiety - awful to suffer with this and maybe a GP - then bite the bullet and have a good open honest chat with your DH and decide the way forward, with or without him ! Put some real joy back into your life right now grin

Sueki44 Mon 27-Mar-23 12:20:02

Oh dear, you do sound unhappy! Do you ever have friends round? I’ve got to say you are far more houseproud than I am - don’t think that I would notice dust on the skirting board!I retired much earlier than my partner and got used to a great deal of ‘me’ time. Luckily neither of us have ever been bored We both spend time on our laptops/iPad each day. Like your partner my husband likes to get out each day and if the weather’s bad he’ll go on the exercise bike. I go to bed early and read, he watches sci-fi or car programs. We usually shop together once a week and occasionally venture to other towns where we do splash out on coffee etc.
I suppose after some serious health problems on his part (heart attack , cancer) I’m just abidingly grateful to still have him and although we have the odd spat I’m very lucky!

cc Mon 27-Mar-23 12:25:28

We're at home together 24/7 most weeks, though he does go to our holiday home every now and again if we're having the boiler serviced or to check things are OK there.
We sometimes get on each other's nerves but, although we now live in a flat, he has his own room with music system, Sky box, keyboard, books etc.
We don't have much in the way of outside interests, but our newish property is on a very sociable estate so things are organised if we want to participate. For example some of our neighbours are going out for a meal tonight and we're going to that. Typically my husband doesn't get involved in this type of thing but it's in a restaurant that we both like.
I should add that our daughter and her two children live very close so we see them most days and I do four of the school runs during the week.
We've been married almost 50 years and like each other's company, personally I don't see the point in developing outside interests for the sake of it.

sazz1 Mon 27-Mar-23 12:27:20

We're very different people but get along OK in retirement. OH is a morning person but I'm a night owl that doesn't do mornings. OH does cooking and shopping and gardening. I do most of the cleaning and washing. We share ideas about what needs replacing in the home but it's nearly always what I decide. OH is a pub person, plays chess, badminton and bowls. I hibernate in the winter and have just taken up knitting after a break of several years. Buy and sell online too, mostly for DD and DGDs unwanted or outgrown clothes. In summer we both like travelling abroad or in the UK, picnics in the park, day at the beach etc.

cc Mon 27-Mar-23 12:31:07


Sometimes I miss having a partner after my divorce many years ago. Tried dating much earlier on but my heart wasn’t in it. Never met the right person I suppose. Now I’m retired I try to fill my days as productively and as happily as I can with family, voluntary work, a few coffee mornings, adult education (when I feel like learning!) and a bit of crafting. I don’t have close friends; I have never felt the need! Acquaintanceship is fine. While my way of life might be alien to some who don’t like to be alone-and sometimes I AM lonely, no mistake- at least I am autonomous and no longer have a ‘significant other’ to worry about or cramp my style. I remind myself of that whenever I am anxious or worried about something and feel myself somewhat alone. There is indeed a price to be paid for every thing after all!

My husband has long-term heart problems so it is likely that I will eventually be living alone and I think will feel as you do.
I do have friends but see very little of them, I'm just not very sociable and I doubt that I will become so. I can't see myself settling down with anybody else, I don't really see where I would meet them.
Some of us are just more solitary than others and reasonably happy in that state.

Grantanow Mon 27-Mar-23 12:31:53

Both of us had demanding jobs with a lot of responsibility in the public sector before we retired early. Both went on to either voluntary or self-employed roles for about 10 years. We are now fully retired. I think the ten years helped us ease into retirement together and we both have interests but we also holiday quite a bit together. Retirement needs thinking about by both partners and acceptance of the loss of the job and perhaps the work relationships that go with it. Work does create meaning for many people and creating meaning for oneself is no simple task.

IrishDancing Mon 27-Mar-23 12:36:45

DH and I are very different. He has interests outside of the home and most of mine are inside - crafting, quilting, knitting, reading, gardening. I don’t need groups to do these thing with so I don’t join them. I do educational courses from time to time. DH has outside responsibilities as well as hobbies. Sometimes I get a bit fed up with the former! But he’ll do anything I ask in the home or garden. He is not as “noticing” as I am but it’s just that, he genuinely doesn’t notice what needs doing!
Your DH doesn’t sound as reasonable as many on here and this is obviously bothering you a lot as you’ve (apparently) been on here before and things haven’t improved. Have you tried any of the advice? I know it’s hard when nothing changes but maybe you need to be the one to make the changes. Look after yourself.

kwest Mon 27-Mar-23 12:38:08

I have a couple of friends who always complained about their husbands. Each of them lost their husbands to sudden death. It is interesting to now hear them talk about their 'Darling husbands' I sometimes wonder if we are talking about the same people. what is my point here?
Perhaps if you thought you were going to lose your husband tomorrow, all of these little irritations would be as nothing. So, you are ahead of the game. The chances are that with any luck you will still have him tomorrow. Fresh day, fresh start. Are you still the same woman he fell in love with?
This is tough love, but you have this precious time together to make each other happy. What do you have to lose by giving it a try?

ninamoore Mon 27-Mar-23 12:38:25

Here’s a question; What do all these abbreviations stand for?

Keffie12 Mon 27-Mar-23 12:38:30

My husband passed away 5 years ago unexpectedly so life is very different now. I'm blessed that I still have s rich fulfilling life with friends, my family, grandchildren, and outside hobbies and service.

My late husband wouldn't leave me if I wasn't in a good place. He is my second husband and amazing man though. I/we were so blessed to have met him.

I have mental health issues too as well as other conditions. He was so supportive. I know most aren't, so please don't judge your experience based on mine.

The ex was violent and abusive as was my late father so to meet my second husband who was the total opposite of everything I had ever known was amasing.

My hubby liked to go to the shops and he would go up most days. He didn't mind what I did for me. He was unusual as he was a very unselfish man though, though not perfect.

I shall remain a married widow until its my time. No one can ever, (nor do I've want to meet anyone) come near the man he was and still is to me and mine.

Suzey Mon 27-Mar-23 12:46:47

Sounds to me like you're really fed up and bored ,shame you are so anxious and panicky ,you could do a Shirley valentine ,just stop relying on him for your happiness ,go find your own !

Joyfulnanna Mon 27-Mar-23 12:49:29

Jaxjaxy and germanshepherd, you don't need to run a surveillance mission. If you've got nothing helpful to say, scroll past. Really unnecessary to bring up the OP past posts.

Nicolenet Mon 27-Mar-23 12:54:34

I am so glad I live alone. I do and spend what I want. Very social life, lots of classes, hobbies...etc None of my exes would have fitted in with my happy retirement!

Houndi Mon 27-Mar-23 12:56:06

I am,bringing up my niece had since 8 days old now 13 months.Life now consists of baby groups Moo Musical Swimming Vists to the farm.Also seeing the sheer joy and excitement in every day through her eyes.Some nights I am exhausted but so happy

Kartush Mon 27-Mar-23 12:57:25

How do I spend my days, well I do a little housework, then I craft a little, read a bit. My husband makes breakfast and we have that together then he goes out for a few hours cos at 72 he refuses to not work. He comes home for lunch, we spend a couple of hours together, he may or may not go out again. When he comes back we spend an hour or so in the pool then make dinner and just chill together.
Evenings we watch tv and chat. Sounds boring but I love it