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Retirees- what do you & dh/dh do with your day

(84 Posts)
Clio51 Sun 26-Mar-23 10:45:37

Suppose I’m just curious about other retirees, how they fill their day, together, separately
Have you found it harder being together 24/7 ?
Has your relationship changed since finishing work?

I’m a home bird
Dp - like to get out the house every opportunity

I’m fed up doing the same things
Dp does the shopping needed for day(his choice, because he wants to get out)
I get myself ready, clean around, maybe some ironing
We then have lunch
Around 1-1.30 he will ask if I want to go anywhere, sometimes I do sometimes I don’t. I’ll do something round the house as I get fed up sometimes walking round
Gardening (weather) cleaning(usually not everyday things) anything that needs sorting really
He , never thinks of anything to to/needs sorting in the house, apart from cutting grass.
He never thinks if changing bed, defrosting freezer, dusting skirting although will give table dusting. He’d rather sit on his mobile for hour or YouTube
Never dreams of cleaning toilet, will rinse shower screen down with water.
I cook tea, he washes up . He will then put wash in, never asks if I’ve anything to add
Every night.

It started looking for things for me to do
So I started , craft session, pilates, and aqua fit just recently just to give us space
That’s all he does is go for a coffee look round shop on his day

Even when we go out together I’ve now got the feeling that really it’s a coffee that has to be included and feel resentment as that’s the only reason he wants to go

The other week we had words as I said I’m sick of going for a coffee and if I mention something different I get “ what do you want to go there for”
It escalated , with him throwing “ you only do those things because you had to do something for yourself “
I actually suffer anxiety/panic so this was a big step for me to do, but I did it and like it
The other week I was really bad with (anxiety symptom -balance) never had this in all my years of panic/anxiety and it really freaked me out. I asked would he stay in with me as I was so scared
You would of thought I’d asked for the world ! I still had to sort the tea out, he never thinks I can’t manage
Would your dp/dh stay with you feather than go out ? Was I being unreasonable to ask him ?
He always throws it in my face what he’s done, I feel completely opposite
He moans if I ask for new things for house, but will quite willingly spend £200 on something for him.

Suppose I need somebody else’s insight to am I asking too much from him ?
Is my thinking wrong regarding illness ?

Everythingstopsfortea Mon 27-Mar-23 17:29:13

There is such a thing as diplomacy!

fancythat Mon 27-Mar-23 17:39:44

Some good advice on here.
But I suspect if the op tries to spend money on the house, her DH will hit the roof.

Jjanl Mon 27-Mar-23 19:06:30

Do something useful. I started doing volunteer work when I finished work. It gave me a purpose to my week and I met new people. I volunteered for the Samaritans, trained to be a Magistrate and also for a charity that looks after visitors to prisons. I didn’t do all these at once. It will get you out of th3 house and you’ll meet new people.

Chinesecrested Mon 27-Mar-23 19:17:46

I make sure I go out every day - to visit relatives, for a walk, sightseeing, even just to the shops. Maybe coffee or lunch out.I must get out of the house or the day is wasted. Then other things can be fitted in around the daily escape. Pottering, a bit of housework, knitting, crochet, tv., music. Dap can stay indoors if he wants, his choice.

Mosie Tue 28-Mar-23 05:11:35

Maybe it’s time to consider therapy for long standing anxiety. It’s difficult for a partner to deal with anxieties on the level you describe. As for house and chores they can be very boring. Try to think about hobbies that are challenging and life enhancing. As a recent widow I have had to learn the hard way that life is precious

NanaPlenty Tue 28-Mar-23 12:59:39

We both love our home and are together a lot at the moment as we are decorating. I think it’s important not just to have some time apart but to socialise with other people and get outside the home. I like to have one day where I do some voluntary work and so does dh. Gardening takes up a fair bit of time - sometimes together sometimes separately. We are together more than we’ve ever been in retirement but most of the time it’s fine. - it is a time of adjustment and some people find it hard. Keep talking - it’s important .

Gundy Tue 28-Mar-23 13:10:34

Not much. I retired from full time strenuous work in a hospital at the age of 73. Worked like a dog all my life since high school. LOVE to stay at home! Peace and quiet. I’ve been divorced for 20 yrs. I have an active social life - as much or as little as I decide. Renewing my passport for future travel. This is my well earned retirement. ❤️
USA Gundy

oodles Tue 28-Mar-23 15:35:14

I wonder @ Clio51 if the problems with getting stuff fixed one way or another are similar to the problems I had with the now ex
Would rarely do something that needed doing round the house and if he did have a go it was a half arsed job. He wouldn't let me get people in to do jobs because it was his house and didn't want people in. Even though I was earning so it wasn't strictly a financial. Issue. Even towards the end he would get cross if I did something as simple as replace a damaged lampshade, because it was - 'my house'. When I said it's our house he'd say that means it's my house. Honestly, on occasion our son tried to help with a few simple things and even that made him cross, and he actuly tore down one shelf he'd put up. It may not be something as bad as this but if it is even a bit like this no wonder you're anxious, and the cure isn't tablets from the doctor, and it wouldn't be counseling as a couple, just for yourself. If you see in a relationship like that people will criticize you when you can't do anything about it from within, which is good for them that they don't know what it is like but it can lead to unhelpful comments
Well eventually here I am on my own and the outstanding jobs had to be done, a whole. Load of new pipework to replace the old dead boiler, new floorboards where the leaks had rotted them, while floorboards were up and things were being redone rewiring, getting rid of the hot water cylinder gave the kitchen to add shelves, the old. Broken units were replaced with nice simple new ones and an induction hob, which was significant for me as I'd said I'd like one if we got a new kitchen, and had been told that he didn't want one, and it was his kitchen, even though he never cooked in it. My son designed it for me and made sure to make space for a dishwasher :-) it was a total back to bricks renovation it had got that bad, done by my children, daughter's partner and brother, and trusted tradesmen, brother being a carpenter, whom I paid. It cost a lot, but now I have new windows and doors as well. But had it been kept up with it would have cost as much anyway.
What do I do as a new retiree, of just a few months, well I help my daughter, go out with friends, go to places of interest and on trips, use my bus pass, garden, look after my chickens, I will soon be finishing sorting out the stuff I brought home.from my parents I hope and all my old paperwork and generally sorting stuff out. Am going to a few talks and exhibutions and am doing my family tree. On my agenda is having a few holidays in the UK and maybe then elsewhere. Still got work to do on the house and garage, and garden house is on the outside all is done inside. I'm continuing my volunteering but not taking on any more as I have so much else to sort out before I can sit back and relax
Am not looking for a partner, that's one thing I won't be doing!