Retirees- what do you & dh/dh do with your day

Thank your lucky stars that you still have your other half to complain about. Many of us are now coping alone with the things that our partners did do, when they were still alive, so we wouldn't be too concerned about what they didn't do, if they could come back and not do them.

First, get an appointment with your GP about your anxiety. Then start work on your relationship. I don't know what sensible advice you got after your last two threads about it, but if you didn't take any action then, no wonder nothing has improved.

If you are both committed to this partnership, and wish it to continue into real old age, you need to be honest with each other over what you need from it, what you are willing to put into it, and what you would ask the other to put into it, and plan your week accordingly. If you are don't care if it doesn't continue, then just go on as you are, neither of you budging an inch to make the other happier - things will sort themselves out when one of you can't stand it any longer and leaves. It may be you, it may be him.

You need a balance between doing things together and doing things apart. Clean once a week, then leave the house alone, apart from keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean. A house can drain your life away, if you let it. Order a new carpet for your bedroom, and get that shower fixed. Consider them as investments in your brighter future.

Find some active hobbies or interests which hold your interest and give you something to think about even when you are not doing them. Your anxiety is partly because you are not doing anything that involves your brain and imagination, so they both have to latch on to irrelevancies to fill the void. Have a project that you plan and do a bit at a time and are pleased when you see it making progress - something creative that is yours , perhaps go to an evening or day class to learn some new technique for it.

Leave husband to get on with his own hobbies and interests, but remember to ask him how they are going on, and to tell him when you are pleased with how your own project is progressing. These will be things to talk about when you go out together on a regular "date" - regular once or twice a week, or every second week, or once a month, whatever fits into your other schedules, and pre-booked and prioritised, so that you both know about it in advance, like the ones when you were courting and looking forward to meeting up again and chatting. Having something to chat about will make the outing more fun than you moaning about it ending in "coffee again" and about how bored and anxious you are.

ninamoore

Here’s a question; What do all these abbreviations stand for?

Mostof them are listed on the "Acronyms" page. There is a link to it among the links near the top of this page, but here it is again. - www.gransnet.com/info/acronyms
If the one used isn't there, a bit of imagination often works out what it means.

I am retired and husband is just about retired. He has his own business but can’t quite manage to give it up just yet.

We have a cottage nearby which we let out for holidays and it’s always busy so we have changeovers to do there which we do together and we have it off to a fine art now.

He brings me tea and breakfast in bed at 8 (I did the tea in bed for him plus kids for all of our lives until I retired.) I then do my exercises and he goes off to feed the horse and pick up the poos.

I do the bare minimum of housework now but people always say the house looks nice. He cleans the vehicles. We both do bits in the garden. I do all the cooking. He does most of the decorating. He pays all the bills. It just happens that way, we don’t plan anything.

He has a big motorbike too and sometimes goes off for a ride. I have lots of friends and meet up with them for coffee, lunch, cinema etc. He is quite happy on his own. Sometimes he and I off for a walk at the coast and have lunch together.

I read a lot, crochet and knit a bit. I also do some family history research. He likes polishing his bike, fiddling with gadgets, buying stuff online. It works for us anyway.

Show him this page, Clio51 , the replies as well as your original post. Then follow the advice freely given on here, which in brief is, "Talk to one another honestly, but with neither malice nor whinging and listen to what the other is saying "

That’s not a good idea Elegran. It will tell him that in the past she’s complained about lack of sex - if he found his way to the relevant thread, which is easy, he wouldn’t like the graphic details posted about performance.

I went back to work last October best decision ever . I'm 72 and delivering parcels 3 days a week lots of walking out in all weather's but I love it

He sound like a typical type of older person set in their ways. I don't agree with being together all the time. It takes ages to adjust to retirement. There is no easy answer

Germanshepherdsmum

That’s not a good idea Elegran. It will tell him that in the past she’s complained about lack of sex - if he found his way to the relevant thread, which is easy, he wouldn’t like the graphic details posted about performance.

I hadn't read her past threads, GSM Not a good idea to remind husband of shortcomings in that area!

I often have difficulties too, relating to my other half and how to recreate and maintain a healthy sense of assertive (ie not resentful) separateness as we go about our daily retired lives.

Sometimes it’s not easy at all. But because I spent considerable time working on this issue (it was necessary!) throughout my life it’s generally easier than it used to be.

Nothing can be gained from an attitude of endless, unrealistic expectation and thus inevitable disappointment.

So I would suggest starting with accepting asking and accepting what you WANT and/or what you DO, an hour at a time if necessary. What we want often changes, after all, right down to what room we want to be in at any time of day, what we want to eat and when, what route we might want to take for a walk, and when, what we want to watch on TV, or read or listen to on our computer screen, etc, etc. If it comes down to being more aware of the day-to-day, hour-by-hour decision-making as a retiree with one’s other half also being retired, isn’t it worth considering very unrealistic indeed to expect either of you to march to each other’s tune at any particular point or points throughout the day? This isn’t at all a criticism of you particularly - countless couples, my hubby and myself included, can sometimes fall into various degrees of this negative, Simon-Says spiral, and god help the underdogs in violently over-controlling partners (domestic violence, eg).

It’s well worth thinking about all this, and finding ways of being with who you and your partner ARE, via perhaps what you each WANT, and what you might agree to towards enjoying each others’ company of only for the duration of a film you might decide to watch together, or an enjoyable meal you might share together if only once a week.

I know this doesn’t address issues like housework and so on, but if he’s not doing stuff then you can CHOOSE what out of all the rest of the chores you are really prepared to get done. There might be disruption and he may be disgruntled but so what? It’s an opportunity to review, to change, to discuss.

Sorry if I’ve rambled on. I’m just saying you can be freer and happier (and so can he) if you really WANT to. And no it’s not always easy, even if ut seems simple.

Sounds as though it's maybe not so much about hobbies, activities or household priorities and more about what feelings do you have for each other at this point in your lives. If you both still love each other but have lost your way a bit in knowing how to get on with the practicalities of life and the different interests you have, I would think you have a good chance of making things better. You probably can't fix everything at once, but you could maybe start a conversation saying you know things are not always as good as they could be and you realise you don't both have the same priorities and interests. You could perhaps apologise for something you know you could have said or done differently (doesn't have to be a big issue), tell him you love him and offer to do something which may be a compromise for you ( go to a motorbike/car show). You could be leading by example and gradually make time to discuss some sort of rota for housework, list of things that need done in the house ( accept he doesn't see them as high priority but explain it bothers you -without attaching blame). Praising and thanking him for positive things he does do and going out of your way to do something he likes (even if you don't particularly), might show him that you value and love him and make him realise that he values/loves you too and think about what he could do to change. Just some gentle suggestions and I know it's easier said than done. If the gentle approach doesn't work, you might need to be more direct! If love has gone, do you want to live together but do your own things most of the time? Maybe that could work too, if you can agree how to go about it. Good luck .

When I read threads like this Im glad I dont have a partner to have to compromise with as I am not a compromising sort of person. My nephew comes around once or twice a week and I adjust for his visits. Everyone else takes pot lock as I work on the computer with headphones and loud music most of the time - unless I have a pre arranged appointment. Its well known here that I run an antiques business although I am starting to scale that down now and have begun to look at another way of making money. Probably some form of private tutoring or similar.

I've done what Katy has and got a part time job. I combine that with childcare which is a very important part of my life.

Retirement is an opportunity to do what you really want imo whether it's hobbies or activities outside the house.

Sounds as if you are terribly fed up with him, but you can have
interests and hobbies.It’s nice for both partners to do separate things, then chat about your day.Why is everything his fault?
It’s not a blame game.

You seem to be house proud and want to invest your time and money into your home. He doesn’t seem to notice what needs doing. Is he a DIY person in any way, could he do repairs himself? If not, get someone in and share the cost if you can. Next time you change the bed linen, ask him for help, let him do his own washing, I don’t mean just putting it in the machine, hanging it up, ironing it and putting it away. Household chores are boring and time consuming. Your time is of value too, why should you get all the boring chores eating into your me time. Delegate jobs and then you may find you have more time to do things together, take it in turns to choose what you/want to do and just go with the others choices.

There are some harsh answers on here, there are also irrelevant ones and some helpful ones, but I think None of these answers are what you want to hear. I don’t think retirement and how people manage their time is the issue here. I think there are deeper issues involved and I am not sure any of us are qualified to help or support. I think you might benefit from speaking to someone professionally as your mental health is affected. I think there is some gas lighting going on in your relationship but is difficult to know if this is all one sided from this post. Why do you need to ask for money ? There are some red flags here but it hard to know what to say as you seem confused. For example, you don’t want to go out, but you do want a life, you want space but seem to want your husband to be there, perhaps he is confused too.
I think you need to take a step back and work out what the real issues are and how much you really want to change things. Maybe write things down then seek the answers either by working it out with your husband or seeking professional help ( ( maybe couples counselling). No one can help you, unless you are prepared to help yourself.
If you always do what you have always done, you will always, get what you have always got.

I recently turned 70 ....and was dog walking with my friend twice a week and 1 morning at FIlaws to help round his bungalow ,he has dementia but now I go 3 mornings we have a laugh together he's 88, and it gives me a purpose , makes me get dressed and out instead of staying home .

It sounds to me as though he just isn't emotionally invested in either you ar his home.. just wants to get away as much as he can. I agree with others that you need to get your anxiety looked at by a professional, and also try marriage guidance.. though I'd be amazed if he agreed to that.. Why don't you get a cleaner and find some interests outside the home?

I agree that your daily round sounds absolutely boring .I assume you drive ?Why do you not go out with your girlfriends for lunch sometimes ?Do you have no grandchildren or elderly relatives to help out with?
I do talking newspapers and Wi since I retired but there are so many things to do besides just going out for coffees with husband .perhaps I’m weird but see no point doing that when you can have coffee free at home !

I really feel for you Clio51. Despite being taught how to load the dishwasher properly and many other ‘jobs’ that for many years I’d clearly been conducting incorrectly🙄I thought that I might one day strangle my DH. I promise you it does get better though. Lucky are those who seem to have the perfect relationships. Nice of them to inform you! You will find a happy medium. Just need to maybe get away somewhere for a break. Neutral territory stuff, where you can air a few problems together. There are some really helpful books out there. One’s called Not Fade Away by Alan Heeks. Good luck and remember…you’re not alone.

I'm not sure ld ask for advice on here. People just aren't kind always. Confidence in a friend or someone like that .

Both took early retirement in 1998. No conflicts in all that time apart from he always doesn't want to go if we have an outing arranged and then always enjoys it when we go !! I judge the right time to tell him of a proposed event - seems to work. I do all the admin for the house so spend a lot of time in "the office" and he does all the heavy work - garden, DIY, bins, cars and so on. Suppose it's the old fashioned His Jobs and My Jobs. We have our diamond wedding in August so I think it has worked out ok for us. We made a pact when we retired not to have tv on before 7pm so as not to become couch potatoes and have stuck to that. We have a good few laughs and both find great joy in our grandchildren. Not being smug in any way but seems we are lucky.

I did enjoy this thread. As my memory fails I wish I had the same ability as GSD. As we age, so life changes. My husband shopped and cooked so I was free to do whatever I wanted. I have always read newspapers and Magazines and I have an abiding interest in politics, family history and I have immense curiosity about all sorts of stuff. Life changed when my other half died in 2009. People often joked that our relationship would make a good TV show. We spent our life having arguments about politics, social stuff and our adult children and grandchildren. We did so love those exchanges ( remember I am a Liverpudlian and I love to gob on!) I am still grieving after all those years but nobody knows. Life for me on this beautiful island is easy, although son and I do not live in each others pockets. We have noisy work going on as our floors are being replaced. I read avidly, listen to audio books and act as a dog advocate to save the lives of dumped dogs and ones that are a shelter. I have the facility to watch UK television and I listen to the radio (Archers fan) and am a bit ashamed to say I watch Corrie. My only advice to the OP is to be more outspoken about stuff that annoys you. Get the shower sorted out and buy a new stair carpet. I think you are rather fed up with your husband but separating at your age is not easy. My other half was a very talented bridge player. I never had a clue. We loved each other but had our own interests. I miss the great rail journeys and the cruises. We holidayed as a group of 6 friends ( met on our first cruise) but now there are only 3 of us left. Try to make happy memories. You may need them one day. At least you have someone to rant to or about. I wish I did.

Lovely post Anniel. That sounds like a very good marriage. Well done with everything you continue to do from your beautiful island home.

We both took early retirement so that we could do things that we enjoyed doing together. We travel a lot, go to the cinema, theatre, concerts, walks museums. Eat out go to the pub , visit family. We have worked hard so now we can spoil ourselves a little.
There are a lot of free things out there if you know where to look, I get a lot of free tickets to events, all you have to do is give valued feed back, which I'm happy to do.
I also enjoy reading and doing crafts, we both have an interest in the garden too This wee alone had free tickets to cinema and Ideal Home Exibition also had a 50% voucher for a Meal at Ember Inn

Yellowmellow

I'm not sure ld ask for advice on here. People just aren't kind always. Confidence in a friend or someone like that .

When people ask for advice, they need to be honestly advised. A friend might only reply with what they think the questioner wants to hear. Sometimes a stranger can see what they need to hear. That may be painful, but if the situation is already painful, the solution could take drastic action to work.

I don't think any of the replies on this thread have been posted with the intention of hurting the original poster, merely to let her see her problems with clearer eyes.