DH’s friend made a pass at me, should I let it it go?

Maybe a sharp look with a very sharp ‘do you mind’ if he goes to touch you again.
I understand how you feel as I had a dirty minded stepfather I always had to stay one step ahead of who could never get the hint let alone when I told him outright he was intruding in my space plus an uncle who no matter what age always gave me a too tight and too long hug, urg I hated his touch and felt suffocated to the extent if I knew he was going to any family does or even funerals I would try to avoid them. Nobody should have to be touched by anyone unless invited. My own mother always said I had a ‘brick wall’ around me as far as affection goes but I only ever let people touch me if I don’t mind. A free for all grab by an old man is revolting, I would gat my DH to go in in front of me from now on, please don’t let this silly old man spoil your enjoyment.

Sparklefizz

sodapop

Seems like a minor incident in the light of reported behaviour from the Dalai Lama today. Allegedly asking a child to suck his tongue.

Yes, this was disgusting!!! Yuk!! I saw the photos online, and feel very disappointed in the Dalai Lama as I previously had a lot of respect for him.

This is a traditional greeting in Tibetam culture. It was a misunderstanding.

Tibetan

The onset of dementia means you loose your inhibitions doing and saying things you wouldn’t normally, the response is “don’t do that it’s rude” as you would a child.

When I shared an allotment with my daughter some years ago we were always on the receiving end of ‘help and advice’ from the old boys, mainly harmless unless you disagreeing that spraying everything with poison is harmless. However, there was one, in his eighties who would appear every time we went and would always find an excuse to touch us inappropriately, usually by pretending to brush away an ‘insect’ from the front of our shirt or jumper, always on our breasts. We told him to keep his hands to himself and always declined his quite insistent invitations to have a look in his greenhouse. A lot of his remarks were very much beyond the pale and quite honestly he spoiled our enjoyment of working on our allotment. After a few years of it we complained to the committee and they wrote to him. He did reign back a bit but still made the odd remark. We had to resort to telling him to bugger off. Eventually he died and we were left in peace. By the wayI don’t believe he suffered with dementia, there were no other signs to suggest that. He was just a dirty old creep with no respect for women.

That isn’t what I would call a pass.

It could be a sign of dementia, inappropriate behaviour and lacking boundaries can be part of this horrendous disease. A man in our village started of by telling inappropriate stories and jokes that he might previously told to a group of men he was more familiar with.

He showed no other signs of dementia at the beginning but as we know not all dementias are the same or progress in the same way, they are all individual cases.

I think its a generational thing. As said a lot of old men are like this. I'd just forget it, smile and say 'no touching'.

Even if a person has dementia, there should be somebody with him to prevent this

Why do women have to put up with this?
Having a disease is not a free pass and catch all for bad behaviour

With him or her

I would suggest not making a big thing out of actions and comments from a silly old man. A shame the surprise element meant you didn't put him straight at the time but if it happens again just tell him to never touch you or to make such inappropriate comments again. He'll probably call you a prude and say it was just a joke but hopefully it won't happen again. Good luck.

Some elderly men have always been like this. I remember being warned when aged 8 onwards, not to get too close to an elderly male relative and to wriggle out of it if he grabbed us too close.
Startle reaction sounds good. The sharp look if on a subsequent occasion you see the same old bloke gleefully making a beeline.

Unfortunately my brother -in-law ( 83 ) is like this. Every sentence he utters to me when we’re alone is an innuendo….I’m 11 his junior and always been aware he fancies me ( I’ve been knocking him back for 55 years!!!) …my sister who is also 11 years my senior refuses to accept his behaviour has always worried me. She’s in poor health and we rely on him driving for us to see each other ( 40 miles away) ….but I’ve put off last couple of visits ….I would have thought these ‘oldies’ could just leave it alone….but they’re always trying to ‘prove a point’….so sad aren’t they!?

A bit over sensitive I think.

He didn’t touch you in a sexual manner.
Ok, he did try to tickle you, but it could have been worse.

Silly old man, not a sexual predator.

I wouldn’t like any man who was not my husband touching me, but I recall that as a younger feminist women were prepared to deal with any man with wandering hands. I would soon deal with that sort of nonsense. Now of course it depends on the situation. If you are upset let the person know but this sounds like a minor incident where an old man crosses a boundary. I know my opinion is open to disagreement, but I shake my head about kerfuffles like the MP who touched a woman’s knee in a bar in the H of C and she made a meal out of it. Strong women can deal with situations like that! We ARE the smart gender. Men are sometimes really stupid at recognising boundaries at times and need putting in their place without creating fuss.For creeps like Epstein this does not apply. He deserved a very long prison sentence but he killed himself . Nobody wept for him deservedly.

Hetty58

Just let it go - of course. Some people always misbehave in a 'jokey' manner, others may be starting with dementia and lose their inhibitions. Tickling your ribs isn't sexual touching anyway.

What’s the bet he wouldn’t behave in such a “jokie” manner to a man though would he.
No.
Why should a woman have to put up with it and act as if he’s done nothing wrong.
The man is an old letch and should learn to keep his hands to himself!

Why do you think somebody who used to teach in a university should know better? University lecturers often hit on their female students - or at least they used to do when I was a student.

Why do so many posters never return?

He was just being silly. If I was offended I would have told him
But I would just have shrugged it off and dodge him next time.

Coco51

Sparklefizz

sodapop

Seems like a minor incident in the light of reported behaviour from the Dalai Lama today. Allegedly asking a child to suck his tongue.

Yes, this was disgusting!!! Yuk!! I saw the photos online, and feel very disappointed in the Dalai Lama as I previously had a lot of respect for him.

This is a traditional greeting in Tibetam culture. It was a misunderstanding.

Well I won’t be visiting there any time soon!

I’m wondering what sort of activities a group of people with ages ranging from 18 to 85 can possibly get up to?

I can't believe some of the replies on here making light of it.
Of course he was wrong to touch the OP in this way, and her complaining about it is totally justifiable.

If there are no other indications that it may be dementia, he probably ( not definitely) just doesn't understand boundaries and probably didn't intend it to be a pass or sexual interaction. Women should not have to accept this, laugh or shrug it off, however, as it isn't acceptable. This could also be a huge trigger for a woman who has suffered sexual harassment or abuse. I'd definitely tell my husband ( as I think the OP did). If it happens again, I would say something to him or even ask your husband to do so if that seems appropriate. Women should definitely not have to use humour or give "as good as they get" to deal with this. No unwanted touching!

You did the right thing by moving away from. I’d continue to keep distance and forget about it. It’s probably just who he is, some flirty old guy.

pascal30

just hit him on the head with your handbag if he tries it again!!

I think this makes sense. A good old-fashioned response to outdated behaviour!