Boundaries and one on one time with adult son.

My OH used to visit his mum alone and take her for dinner now and then I didn't think it was a problem and I loved my MIL dearly .I think sometimes it was good for them,just the two of them to share memories of his childhood and his late dad and grandparents I never knew
In fact I used to encourage it as I knew he was her golden boy and she loved having an hour or two with him even just lunch and a wander round a garden centre .I know she loved me and appreciated me and I spent time alone with her too so I dont see this as a problem .
Only the OP knows how it might be received by her DIL so no one here can give her an answer

paddyann54

My OH used to visit his mum alone and take her for dinner now and then I didn't think it was a problem and I loved my MIL dearly .I think sometimes it was good for them,just the two of them to share memories of his childhood and his late dad and grandparents I never knew
In fact I used to encourage it as I knew he was her golden boy and she loved having an hour or two with him even just lunch and a wander round a garden centre .I know she loved me and appreciated me and I spent time alone with her too so I dont see this as a problem .
Only the OP knows how it might be received by her DIL so no one here can give her an answer

I'm struggling to see a problem too.

I see my son and his partner on a regular basis and we share some social occasions together.
However, a few times a year I will go for a meal with him, we'll go to an event together (we share similar tastes musically and his partner doesn't like the same things).
Likewise, I do the same with his partner.

For me it's really lovely to just spend time with him and to chat about the past, share memories etc without any intention of pushing his partner away and when I am with her alone - we have a good old 'girly' time, also really nice as I never had a daughter.

I occasionally see one or some of our daughters without their husbands. How is this different? Assuming love is same for sons and daughters.

I rarely have one to one time with our son since he married , when he first moved out he would pop over occasionally. It seems to happen once sons take a wife although daughters will have shopping trips and other outings with their mother's and that's not deemed as odd .
I'd love more solo time with my son , lunch or drinks but they come as a couple and Al though my DIL is lovely , conversation seems to always be about her and her family .
It's just the way it is . I wouldn't invite him out without his wife but I do understand what you mean .
Maybe if you could find out if or when she might not be free , you could casually and very informally suggest a meet up for a coffee 😉

Why would anyone want to invite their Son out for dinner, yet not include his wife? Sorry, but this just doesn't make sense to me. Certainly if I was the wife on the receiving end of this, I'd be wondering what I'd done wrong. When your Son married, your relationship with him as an individual changed forever, and must now positively encompass his chosen partner. Sorry, but any attempt on your part to exclude or limit his wife's presence in your ongoing social life will only cause problems and resentment. Do please think again.

Go with the flow, perhaps it never even occurred to his partner that she wasn't included in the invitation.

We do sometimes see our son without his partner if she is off doing something on her own, but would never exclude her from an invitation.

I have 4 grandchildren as well in terms of getting time alone with DS.

But oh it is so precious when it happens.
He came down briefly to help out when I needed someone post op for just a few hours; rare he could, but it was OK as on a Sunday:

if I'm seeing them and DS is taking a kid out on his own I'll join them in order to get DS time....

arrangements with them both in incredibly busy lives is that mainly he deals with me on tricky matters and negotiations - its a matter of grabbing small opportunities.....

I wouldn't dream of suggesting an evening out just with him. the have so little time alone together.

But....my DiL has more "me time" with her mum. there is no getting around it, on the whole, not exclusively of course but on the whole, DD's are closer to mum than DS's.

I've been married twice and had no problems with DH's on them having time with their mums, btw.....as long as it was sort of for a cuppa or similar. But everyone is different and it was rare.

A meal out alone..mmm, not sure, it would have depended at any point on how much time I was getting with my DH alone.

NanaDana

Why would anyone want to invite their Son out for dinner, yet not include his wife? Sorry, but this just doesn't make sense to me. Certainly if I was the wife on the receiving end of this, I'd be wondering what I'd done wrong. When your Son married, your relationship with him as an individual changed forever, and must now positively encompass his chosen partner. Sorry, but any attempt on your part to exclude or limit his wife's presence in your ongoing social life will only cause problems and resentment. Do please think again.

Quite interesting.

Do Mum's relationships to daughters change at marriage?

Illogical I know but it seems much easier for Mum and Daughter to meet for a coffee or lunch doesn’t it?
Alternatively, if son wanted to take Mum out to lunch or dinner, that’s fine too.
Bottom line for me is that OP seems to see nothing untoward in not including her DIL, while most of us do.
Unless Mum wants to discuss family business, or should something personal, such an invitation has undertones of Mum and a “Mummy’s boy” or indicative of a fragile MIL DIL relationship.

Norah

NanaDana

Why would anyone want to invite their Son out for dinner, yet not include his wife? Sorry, but this just doesn't make sense to me. Certainly if I was the wife on the receiving end of this, I'd be wondering what I'd done wrong. When your Son married, your relationship with him as an individual changed forever, and must now positively encompass his chosen partner. Sorry, but any attempt on your part to exclude or limit his wife's presence in your ongoing social life will only cause problems and resentment. Do please think again.

Quite interesting.

Do Mum's relationships to daughters change at marriage?

Only speaking for myself, Nora, as always, but my relationship with my Daughter actually deepened when she became both a wife and a Mother, as those were roles that we could both share and closely relate to. So yes, that relationship changed forever too, but differently. We've always been very close, but seem even closer now, and yes, we often get together for coffee or lunch, without SIL. That seems perfectly normal.. cultural norms, I guess, shared by many of my friends too. An interesting comparison.

But I think some of you are missing the point This wasn’t just a casual meet up for a coffee and catch up
It was a restaurant meal for his birthday

I wouldn’t expect that for a married son or daughter to take them to a restaurant celebration without their partner although I might definitely meet up for a coffee if nearby them daughter or son

I am another who considers the OP unreasonable. Now DS is married with children we go and see them all and they all come to us.

I usually find that DS and I do have time together, just in the everyday actions of life, chat together as we walk up to collect DD from dancing, or do the washing up, or whatever.

Now your son is married/has a long term partner, you are second in his life - and if their are grandchildren, third, fourth or fifth. That's life.

Popping over the house solo to see one’s parents while the spouse is busy with other things is NOT the same as a parent inviting their son/daughter to a celebratory dinner while excluding their offspring’s spouse. Let’s not pretend they are. One scenario is intentionally exclusionary. I don’t find that sweet or innocent. OP, go with the flow. This has the potential to cause upset. You know it or you wouldn’t have posted about it.

I don't think there is anything weird or wrong about spending time with AC without their partner. I sometimes take one of my children out alone (obviously making sure this is fair to all)

But I also don't think it should be a problem if the partner tags along...

So I would just not worry about it too much unless there was a reason to worry and there were signs your son doesn't want to be alone with you

How ridiculous that any man would be labelled a "mummy's boy" because he likes to spend time with his mum! No wonder there are so many anti DIL and MIL posts if thats how the majority of you think .
Being a mother is a lifelong experience whether its a daughter or a son ,I certainly see my son a lot ,often with his daughters sometimes on his own.His partner spends time with her sisters and her mum, often has weekends away with them FOR BIRTHDAYS etc .
Anyone ,wife or not who thinks a man spending time with the woman who gave birth to him is a mummy's boy needs to give her head a wee wobble .Who more special to spend a couple of hours with to celebrate his birthday than the only other person involved in the birth .
Sometimes I think I live on a different planet from most of the grans on here !

My late DH was a treasured only child and would call in to see his parents if he was working near by and that was such a bonus for them, to have him to themselves for a little. It never occurred to me to think other than that it demonstrated what a loving son he was. But anything more formal would always involve both of us and, where possible, the children too. I think Dorrain is creating a problem where there isn’t one. As Monica points out, our place is the pecking order has to change as new people come into our children’s lives.

How ridiculous that any man would be labelled a "mummy's boy" because he likes to spend time with his mum

No, the relevance is that his Mum thinks it us OK to exclude her DIL from a dinner to celebrate his birthday.

I wouldn’t ever think of deliberately inviting a child without their partner. It works out that I sometimes do see children and their partners separately,as I share interests with them all, but I don’t think I’d ever plan an outing which excluded a partner, and certainly not a birthday celebration.

OP has explained that it wasn't The Birthday Celebration, that's at the weekend, but a one on one with her son in the week leading up to it.

I can see both sides but I do empathise with a mum wanting a catch up with her son.

I'm fortunate to have alone time with both of my sons now and again with the full approval of their partners. Interestingly, the outing is never generated by me but certainly welcomed with joy.

I'm going against the grain here but I can't see a problem with a mother and son going out for lunch?

I get on really well with my MIL, we have a really good friendship away from my husband and see each other without him.
I see my mom without my husband.

I can't see anything wrong?

Wait. It's for his birthday.
Then yes it's weird to exclude his partner.

Any other time, like lunch or coffee? Absolutely not.

I don’t think most are arguing that it is inherently wrong to see one’s parents sans their spouse. I think most people are objecting to a parent inviting their married son/daughter out to celebrate a special occasion and excluding the most important person in the world to their son/daughter. I think comparing casual visits to this specific scenario intentionally misses the mark. I just don’t agree that excluding one’s spouse from a special occasion celebrating them is okay.

There is nothing wrong with a mother and partnered son to have time together, but there is a common assumption by many couples that family interactions are usually mutual and mother and son lone time tends to come from ther ordinary relations.

For example, DGD starts GCSEs this week or next and didn't want to join the usual family visit south for a week this Easter because of her revision, so DS and DGS came down and DGD and DDiL stayed at home. This gave me lots of one-to-one time with DS. Other times we might go to see something that the rest of the family aren't interested in, Anglo-Saxon manuscripts perhaps.

Every family works their own passage. It isn't wrong, it is probabaly less common.

Why do you not discusss the issue with your son and his partner. This is always the best way to sort problems like this

I think I can count on one hand, the number of times I’ve had a one-on-one chat / visit with either of my sons. I may have cooked a meal or two when their wives were away and on one occasion, he came over when he had a little tiff with his wife. Only lasted about 1/2 hour maximum. They were on the phone to each other and that was it……kissed and made up