Boundaries and one on one time with adult son.

VioletSky

I really like my future DILs and do not want to mess up 😄

I wouldn’t worry. I have 3 and we get on great lol. I don’t treat my sons’ marriages any different than I do my daughter’s relationships either. They are all adults. I respect that their immediate family units are now the ones they’ve created themselves. Keep my judgements to myself. Let them all know I’m here for them, and I crack on with life. It helps, even when the personalities don’t exactly mesh because respect goes so much further than people think. You will be just fine because you seem to really grasp those things, judging by your comments on gransnet .

lyleLyle

Thank you for saying that.

I'm in transition phase, mine are slowly moving out or off in uni. It's hard because I miss them but it's good to see them happy

This is the truth of it Violet - I love my daughter-in-law even though we are very different with very different ideas.
I like things about her and she is a terrific mum but I love her mostly because she loves my son and makes him happy. ❤️

💗

When I think back( my MiL died ten years ago), it was always obvious that she really wanted to see her son, not me. I Don't mean that we did not get on or anything like that. We lived miles away, and latterly, I was quite happy for DH to visit her on his own. If I went I would just be in the way, a spare part, whereas by staying home I could carry on with my voluntary work, choirs etc, but if she had lived closer, I guess there would have been a mixture of together and separate meet- ups. For a birthday, I would have assumed I was invited, and so would DH. So my guess is not that she invited herself, but that they both took it for granted that the invitation was to both of them. Is it really a problem?

Dorrain
I know the feeling. Sometimes you just want to see your own children one-on-one, without partners or children.
I miss that in mine, too.
But, they tend to come as couples or family a lot because that is what they are now!
Speak to both of them at the meal, explain that you miss having him all to yourself, be nice and tell your DiL that her parents probably have the same feelings about her, and ask could he/they see their way to making this happen now and then? You could maybe spend time with just her occasionally, too, therefore making a stronger relationship with her!!
Good luck!

I’m not sure what the OP means by “boundaries” in this case? I’m not sure about having an adult child “all to yourself” is about either. My DH and his DM loved to ramble on down memory lane about their childhood/ old neighbours etc and that was fine to do when on their own or with his sister who shared those memories. Personally, I found this boring and irrelevant when I didn’t have a clue who they were gossiping about. I don’t think the DiL is crossing a “boundary” to expect to be included on a celebratory meal out, if the OP does then she’d better tell the son and dIL, not sure how well that will go down.

50 years after our DF died in a plane crash, his 3 DC had the opportunity to fly to Singapore to see his grave, to have his body cremated and to bring his ashes home.
It was a strange but wonderful experience and the best part was being us 3 together for the first time since we were teenagers!
There are usually partners, children and now DGC around so little chance to turn the clock back.
So I can empathise with the OP wanting her DS to herself but it's not something to expect.

Grammaretto What a terrible thing to happen (the loss of your father in an air crash) but the reunion, of siblings and father after all those years must have been both so happy and so sad.

Thankyou M0nica I suppose I didn't expect to be quite so emotional since so many years had passed.
However the tropical setting - the cemetery was an overgrown jungle with birdsong and the scent of frangipani was overwhelming.
We cruised on the Singapore river and drank cocktails at Raffles hotel.
We got to know eachother again in a different way and we now keep much more closely in touch.

There’s nothing odd about your wanting to spend time just with your son for a few hours. In fact, it’s a lovely idea.
I have a son who is engaged. Usually, when I speak to/see him he’s with his fiancée, but occasionally (once/twice a year) meet him on his own because their working hours are different.
If you were talking about meeting an adult daughter without her partner no-one would question that. I can only think that those who don’t like the idea don’t have sons!

Cats ,,This is a three year old post but still relevant I would think to some. I see my son regularly on his own, often wish I saw dil but her life is her family. I had to accept that a long time ago. They are a happy unit and she's the one he wants

Are you seriously suggesting that you and your son have dinner together on the evening of his birthday without his wife?

Don’t be so silly.

Basgetti this is an 3 years old thread, but I don't think you've read it in full because the OP clarified more than once that it wasn't on the evening of his birthday but in the preceding week.

My DH would regularly have lunch with his parents in the last few years of their lives.
I was probably invited but knew they ate meat which I don't so I thought the best idea was to stay home.

For many years my son in law and granddaughter would go and see his mother and they would have a meal together without my daughter. The marriage has broken up recently and I have to think this was one of many issues. I wouldn’t encourage it.

nanna8 + I wouldn’t encourage it either.
My friend’s son is constantly in her house having meals, because he doesn’t like his partner’s cooking.😂
I’m surprised she’s still with him - they have a daughter together.
I have 2 sons and neither of them spend ‘alone’ time with me.
If they did, there will be a divorce, for sure.

I looked on my sil and Dil my own family. It seems though when trouble comes, they prefer doing things with their own family.

No, leave it as it is. Just enjoy the evening, a time will come soon when you can be together on your own!