Boundaries and one on one time with adult son.

OP I asked him if we could have dinner at a local restaurant, its his birthday on the weekend so I thought it'd be nice.

They've planned an afternoon gathering with family and friends to celebrate, and while I'm happy to have been invited and will be going along these events are always hectic.

I thought it'd be nice just to share a meal together but his wife has invited herself along.

The dinner isn't on this birthday weekend it was just a weeknight meal at a local cafe. Didn't explain myself too well.

- first who invites herself - that's rude.

- second it's not the day of the family party, why can't OP take her son to dinner on a different day to the party?

- third I must not be the only one who does with married daughters, my husband does things with our sonsIL as well.

What is wrong with this picture? I adore our daughters as does my husband, of course people adore their sons. Gracious!

lyleLyle

I don’t think most are arguing that it is inherently wrong to see one’s parents sans their spouse. I think most people are objecting to a parent inviting their married son/daughter out to celebrate a special occasion and excluding the most important person in the world to their son/daughter. I think comparing casual visits to this specific scenario intentionally misses the mark. I just don’t agree that excluding one’s spouse from a special occasion celebrating them is okay.

Perhaps you missed OP update?

The dinner isn't on this birthday weekend it was just a weeknight meal at a local cafe. Didn't explain myself too well.

paddyann54

How ridiculous that any man would be labelled a "mummy's boy" because he likes to spend time with his mum! No wonder there are so many anti DIL and MIL posts if thats how the majority of you think .
Being a mother is a lifelong experience whether its a daughter or a son ,I certainly see my son a lot ,often with his daughters sometimes on his own.His partner spends time with her sisters and her mum, often has weekends away with them FOR BIRTHDAYS etc .
Anyone ,wife or not who thinks a man spending time with the woman who gave birth to him is a mummy's boy needs to give her head a wee wobble .Who more special to spend a couple of hours with to celebrate his birthday than the only other person involved in the birth .
Sometimes I think I live on a different planet from most of the grans on here !

I'm on another planet as well.

If he wanted to go out with his mum on his own, he would. The fact he's invited his wife along, suggests either he doesn't want to go alone with his mum OR that he just assumed his wife was welcome too.

GagaJo

If he wanted to go out with his mum on his own, he would. The fact he's invited his wife along, suggests either he doesn't want to go alone with his mum OR that he just assumed his wife was welcome too.

OP I thought it'd be nice just to share a meal together but his wife has invited herself along.

The post states "his wife invited herself" - with no reference to the son inviting his wife along. Maybe I misread?

Dorrain

My question is about spending time with my adult son without his partner. I asked him if we could have dinner at a local restaurant, its his birthday on the weekend so I thought it'd be nice.

They've planned an afternoon gathering with family and friends to celebrate, and while I'm happy to have been invited and will be going along these events are always hectic.

I thought it'd be nice just to share a meal together but his wife has invited herself along.

I don't know whether to speak with him about just the two of use meeting or just go with the flow?

Why do so many people look for trouble with their adult children?

@ Norah,

That doesn’t change my point at all. It’s a birthday dinner for the young woman’s spouse. Why would she assume she wasn’t invited? If we are being honest here, most people do not expect to celebrate a birthday, be it the day of or not, without a spouse. As I said, a casual meet up is one thing. This is another issue entirely.

I think reverse ageism is at play here. I’m fairly certain if the son and wife were of a certain age we wouldn’t expect them to not expect them to be there for a dinner in their spouse’s honor. Seems like there is a lack of respect for the marital status of young couples here. If we wouldn’t expect an 80 yr old couple to separate for a birthday dinner, why are we expecting the same for the youth?

I wouldn't dream of asking my son out without his wife. It just seems so odd (rude?) to exclude her. There's three kids in tow as well - either that or I'm babysitting while they have a night out!

lyleLyle

@ Norah,

That doesn’t change my point at all. It’s a birthday dinner for the young woman’s spouse. Why would she assume she wasn’t invited? If we are being honest here, most people do not expect to celebrate a birthday, be it the day of or not, without a spouse. As I said, a casual meet up is one thing. This is another issue entirely.

I think reverse ageism is at play here. I’m fairly certain if the son and wife were of a certain age we wouldn’t expect them to not expect them to be there for a dinner in their spouse’s honor. Seems like there is a lack of respect for the marital status of young couples here. If we wouldn’t expect an 80 yr old couple to separate for a birthday dinner, why are we expecting the same for the youth?

That is not what OP said in her second post:

The dinner isn't on this birthday weekend it was just a weeknight meal at a local cafe. She merely invited him to any dinner any night (maybe because she's in town for his BD? IDK).

I detest eating in cafes, maybe that changes my view. If I must eat in a cafe my preference is with my husband or daughter(s).

I dont know any 80 year olds with a mother who'd ask them out alone or not !
Of course he's allowed to go out with his mum ,he's hardly going to run off into the sunet with her .His wife needs to understad that someday SHE might want to have some time with her son too

paddyann54

I dont know any 80 year olds with a mother who'd ask them out alone or not !
Of course he's allowed to go out with his mum ,he's hardly going to run off into the sunet with her .His wife needs to understad that someday SHE might want to have some time with her son too

Nobody "needs" to do anything. They had arranged his birthday celebrations. Why stir?

Why do threads change I wonder.
OP said quite clearly
I asked him if we could have dinner at a local restaurant, its his birthday on the weekend so I thought it'd be nice
That says "special birthday meal" to me not just any old caff.
OP also complained that the birthday celebration in the afternoon would be a bit hectic so she was looking for 1 to 1 time.
I thought it'd be nice just to share a meal together but his wife has invited herself along

That sounds very much like a Mother who has not let her son go . He's a grown married man not her little boy any more for heaven's sake

We do sometimes see our son without his partner if she is off doing something on her own, but would never exclude her from an invitation.

I think this is normal for most of us pandapatch.

Foxygloves

Why do threads change I wonder.
OP said quite clearly
I asked him if we could have dinner at a local restaurant, its his birthday on the weekend so I thought it'd be nice
That says "special birthday meal" to me not just any old caff.
OP also complained that the birthday celebration in the afternoon would be a bit hectic so she was looking for 1 to 1 time.
I thought it'd be nice just to share a meal together but his wife has invited herself along

That sounds very much like a Mother who has not let her son go . He's a grown married man not her little boy any more for heaven's sake

Because a short time after the initial post OP added The dinner isn't on this birthday weekend it was just a weeknight meal at a local cafe.

She merely wants to invite him to any dinner any night - people take daughters out. Why not sons?

Full disclosure I have daughters not sons.

Some mothers of sons seem to feel they get shorted - why add to that?

Foxygloves

Why do threads change I wonder.
OP said quite clearly
I asked him if we could have dinner at a local restaurant, its his birthday on the weekend so I thought it'd be nice
That says "special birthday meal" to me not just any old caff.
OP also complained that the birthday celebration in the afternoon would be a bit hectic so she was looking for 1 to 1 time.
I thought it'd be nice just to share a meal together but his wife has invited herself along

That sounds very much like a Mother who has not let her son go . He's a grown married man not her little boy any more for heaven's sake

That sounds very much like a Mother who has not let her son go . He's a grown married man not her little boy any more for heaven's sake

Yes, a recipe for disaster.

paddyann54

How ridiculous that any man would be labelled a "mummy's boy" because he likes to spend time with his mum! No wonder there are so many anti DIL and MIL posts if thats how the majority of you think .
Being a mother is a lifelong experience whether its a daughter or a son ,I certainly see my son a lot ,often with his daughters sometimes on his own.His partner spends time with her sisters and her mum, often has weekends away with them FOR BIRTHDAYS etc .
Anyone ,wife or not who thinks a man spending time with the woman who gave birth to him is a mummy's boy needs to give her head a wee wobble .Who more special to spend a couple of hours with to celebrate his birthday than the only other person involved in the birth .
Sometimes I think I live on a different planet from most of the grans on here !

I think you are the only person to have even mentioned a "mummys boy" paddyann54

Who more special to spend a couple of hours with to celebrate his birthday than the only other person involved in the birth

There are usually two people involved unless it was an immaculate conception.

paddyann54

I dont know any 80 year olds with a mother who'd ask them out alone or not !
Of course he's allowed to go out with his mum ,he's hardly going to run off into the sunet with her .His wife needs to understad that someday SHE might want to have some time with her son too

My grandmother lived until the age of 101. My mum was an 80 yr old with a parent. Age doesn’t change the principle of the matter. Whether the invite comes from a mother or not, as I said, no one would expect an 80 year old to celebrate their birthday without their spouse. That doesn’t change simply because one’s age isn’t officially looked at as elderly. Their union deserves the same respect as an elderly couple. If you wouldn’t separate an elderly couple, you don’t try to do it to young people. Like others have mentioned, planning a bday celebration with your married offspring without their spouse is far from “normal”. Maybe the OP just needs to accept the reality that her son isn’t her “little boy” anymore. I have grown sons. Wouldn’t dream of scheduling a dinner in which my sons’ spouses weren’t invited. A casual meet up is not the same.

@Norah,
If the birthday weren’t reason for the dinner, OP wouldn’t have mentioned it. She wanted to celebrate his bday on a different day without his spouse. Nothing “normal” there. It’s just rude.

If my mother-in-law decided to take my husband out for dinner as his birthday was coming up I would be delighted and hope they had a lovely evening. I really don’t see anything wrong with it. Life doesn’t need to be complicated.

I would have been shocked if DMiL had invited her DS without me in the early years of our marriage, however towards the end of his life, DH had lunch with his parents once a week. He would eat meat with them. I am vegetarian and none of them are so it was easy to see it as a chance for him to eat meat but really they all enjoyed being in the roles they were in before their darling boy married and had children!

Sadly, both his DP outlived him.

Silvergirl

If my mother-in-law decided to take my husband out for dinner as his birthday was coming up I would be delighted and hope they had a lovely evening. I really don’t see anything wrong with it. Life doesn’t need to be complicated.

I agree.

I have 2 sons and wouldn't dream of inviting them out on their own - I think the world of their partners and am as pleased to see them as I am to see my sons. Similarly, I would have found it strange if my MIL invited my husband out for a meal without me. It just seems rude.

Norah

OP I asked him if we could have dinner at a local restaurant, its his birthday on the weekend so I thought it'd be nice.

They've planned an afternoon gathering with family and friends to celebrate, and while I'm happy to have been invited and will be going along these events are always hectic.

I thought it'd be nice just to share a meal together but his wife has invited herself along.

The dinner isn't on this birthday weekend it was just a weeknight meal at a local cafe. Didn't explain myself too well.

- first who invites herself - that's rude.

- second it's not the day of the family party, why can't OP take her son to dinner on a different day to the party?

- third I must not be the only one who does with married daughters, my husband does things with our sonsIL as well.

What is wrong with this picture? I adore our daughters as does my husband, of course people adore their sons. Gracious!

Norah you are spot on!_I thought it was rude to invite herself_ and this is why I mentioned boundaries.

This invite was a low key meal before the crazy, hectic weekend birthday party.

And since when did it become offensive to share a meal with a family member without their spouse?

They are a very busy couple, always out and about doing work/social stuff or as you’d expect spending time with their network of friends and family.

DIL regularly takes her parent/s out without her husband, my son, tagging along. He’s generally happy for her to go and for him to have a break or catch up his mates/family.

My gripe was that she invited herself, I thought that was rude. Dinner was meant to be a low key outing not a birthday dinner!

Paddyann54,Dee1012, Ailidh thank you.

Some people perpetuate this ridiculous stereotype that its ok for a mother/daughter get together but weird and undermining a marriage if its a mother/son event, how very patronising.

Silvergirl

If my mother-in-law decided to take my husband out for dinner as his birthday was coming up I would be delighted and hope they had a lovely evening. I really don’t see anything wrong with it. Life doesn’t need to be complicated.

Spot on Silvergirl.

So, it seems that you regularly see your son one one one while your DIL is out with her own parents.

I suspect a bit of crossed wires. DIL probably thought it was a birthday dinner for her DH, and assumed she was invited. Yes, even though it’s not on his birthday and there’s another event planned.

I would think, if your son didn’t want his wife along, he’d have told her so.