Separate at 62 ?

That would be the straw that broke the camels back for me. So sorry to hear this, there would be no going back if it was me, not to be trusted I would pack his bags

Am so sorry to hear this, if I were you I’d be def packing his bags and kicking his sorry a… out the door, you have a whole new life ahead of you , get on and enjoy every last bit 🙂

Sorry, but I would be packing his bags. Not only has he stolen your future from you, he has left you with a far less secure and comfortable retirement than you had planned. All the time you were jointly making plans to rent out your house, travel etc., he was lying to you by not telling you what he was doing with your money. Lies by omission are still lies. I could not share a bottle of wine, let alone a bed, with someone who has so little respect or consideration for me, and who has no plans to remedy the catastrophe that he has caused. Get to a solicitor, ringfence your assets, and leave this freeloader to his sports.

He stole from your past, your parents legacy to you, and he has stolen your future

Yet he will not go back to work to try and put this right

That means he is not holding himself accountable for his actions

Without accountability any apology is meaningless

Without accountability there will be no change and you cannot regain trust

Grandmabatty , yes apparently if you're married then you share your OH s debts ( obviously Victorian property still). I've been thru all finances but you can never really know if more cash has been used, he says not . Thanks for your thoughts .

Wyllow3 yes if it's in joint names it would need both signatures to borrow on it. Yes I'm going seek legal advice, thanks for help.

pascal30 thankyou. Yes don't think legally you can say it's criminal but it certainly feels bit like that. Yes I'm going state he needs to recover it thru work but if refuses then I'll have go down legal separation. Thanks for help.

Caleo yes I agree with you there on sexual relationship especially in marriage of many years. Thankyou.

Grammaretto . Yes you have hit nail on head for sure that's why I feel so betrayed and I'm not sure that team respect will come back again now. Thankyou.

GagaJo , yes the ball is in his court and it's the shock of knowing he's not interested or able to put any reparation in action for sure. Thanks.

Luckygirl3. Interesting that your husband did similar. I do hope it's all turned out well for you now after hard time. I think in similar way his job had really got to him, it was really stressful and things were going wrong , but he seemed to use our ge gap and wanting to finish so he coul do things with me as his reason to leave, I realise now he never actually told anyone that things were going wrong at all. It feels like he is prone to being not really honest with himself and trying to show a different face to world . It still feels like he's avoidant about what he's done. I think you were really courageous how you handled it all. Thankyou.

Daisymae. Yes thanks for thoughts, as just said in last comment it was all bit odd and didn't add up as to him leaving so early. Yes he's already brought up where to release more cash so I certainly do need to protect the house ,thanks for advice

fancy that . Yes as the saying goes, actions speak louder so am ex disappointed in response. Yes on looking up info theres differences between separation and divorce, so I'll go more into detail about what I'd need to do for best. Children all left home now fortunately although will still hit them hard of course. Thanks for help.

Houseplant queen. Yes this is exactly how I'm feeling. Just sucks. Thanks.

VioletSky . Yes very true , no accountability. Agree. Thankyou for summing it up.

This may or may not apply but worth a look through
thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-and-money/#:~:text=Covert%20narcissists%20may%20also%20gaslight,ever%20talking%20about%20this%20budget.

1Lois

Daisymae. Yes thanks for thoughts, as just said in last comment it was all bit odd and didn't add up as to him leaving so early. Yes he's already brought up where to release more cash so I certainly do need to protect the house ,thanks for advice

He wasnts to release more cash for gambling?

In which case he needs professional help? Though he has to want it for himself?

So sorry you are in this position.

"Though he has to want it for himself"

Yes. Whatever problem is causing it, unless he sees a need to change and actively wants to, it won't work. You have to want to change.

He committed financial infidelity

There is no way to know what he has done w/o you knowing anything about it in the past

Lawyer to cover your rights and future and drop the cheater

Thanks 👍

"He committed financial infidelity" wrote Hithere. Thanks for the idea! You are right that this too is infidelity.

I’m so sorry about this and, like others, I think that if he was making no effort to earn money to repay the debt (to you) then I’d think very carefully about your relationship going forward. In the meantime seek professional help.

This is just my opinion which is based on passed experience of a boyfriend I knew many years ago regarding gambling.

He will have gambled secretly, you wouldn't have known about it they can be very cleaver at hiding this addiction.

I don't believe your hubby when he says he's never gambled before, suddenly start to gamble and loose thousands of pounds and loose money over a period of time as a none gambler, it's not going to happen.

Knowing this money was to be used in the future for your retirement he without any thought for you and the consequence's of this he continued to loose money.
This is a completely selfish act and I could never trust him again.
Apart from that he is not working!!! He should be out there working two jobs in my opinion at the very lease, he clearly doesn't feel any shame for what he's done. Just get rid of this piece of s***. He will never change.
Financial move everything you can into your name, take advice fast, look to protecting your interests.
Check out if he as borrowed against your mortgage if you have one.
Change your will at the very least.
Try to think clear and positive there is a life after this and I wish you the very best for the future, you are still a young women, life can be good again.

I don't think you'll ever have peace of mind in the future with this man.
His deception and financial abuse of you are too deep and too longstanding.
His refusal to address the situation or do anything to redeem it tells you all you need to know.

Take professional advice, cut your losses and make plans to stand on your own two feet.
You'll have self-respect and can build a new life for yourself, albeit not the one you thought you were going to have.
So sorry for you though 😞

Yes Caleo it is financial infidelity, have been reading up on peoples stories on gamcare , all so sad.
DamaskRose yes thank you for your advice, will do.
jeanie99 yes I can understand you'll have learnt a lot from yr previous boyfriend, have been online with gamcare and will follow up advice thankyou.
V3ra thanks for your kind thoughts also am trying find way forward with future decisions now .
Thankyou all, it's so good to have received so many supportive messages and thoughtful advice. I'm quite humbled by this 🙏