Ex-wife still demanding after twenty years!

NotSpaghetti

No, of course not Callistemon - but it does make the day-to-day stuff harder.

Having a DH who worked overseas I do know but it sounds as if two of the boys were left with their grandmother, one with grandfather and the four others went overseas with father, whether those three remained through choice or not we don't know.
Seven boys are split up, all having lost their mother not long ago, and three left behind by father, one if them autistic.

I'm not surprised the two are troubled.

I feel sorry for everyone but they are still the father's responsibility wherever he may be.

No solution is going to be easy LicketySplit it sound like there's a lot going on.
At least your daughter and family will (hopefully) be moving on soon into somewhere of their own.

What a pity the boys auntie isn't interested.
I suggested it as I know my (single) daughter has her siblings' children stay occasionally or have "sleep-overs" now and again and just thought she might be interested.

I hope you and your husband find a way through this. I expect the school holidays will be difficult.

Maybe there is some provision over the holidays for your autistic grandson at least?
Can you find this out so your husband can pass it on? I think it might help. If you can do the research at least... 🤞

Maybe the dad would like the older boys to visit him? Might that be possible?

Unfortunately, due to terrible circumstances, your husband is once again co-parenting with his ex. That’s what this all boils down to, imo. These kids are traumatized by the loss of not only their mother, but their younger siblings as well. AND one of the kids is Autistic.

I think you need to reframe your thinking about it. Instead of viewing it as what the ex is demanding, take the view of what these traumatized kids need.

Glorianny

Golly for the person who won the prize (your DH) you sure have it in for the loser don't you?
How do you know so much about this woman who will have no contact with you?
Perhaps she does just want help with the boys and knowing they behave better when they are with him, she asks him to speak to them when they misbehave. That doesn't mean she wants him back.
Perhaps she is a little tired of you insisting that she is a bad grandmother and telling her what she should and should not do (maybe that is another reason she doesn't want contact with you)
Try accommodating her a little more. She must be grieving for her daughter and trying to do her best for two grieving GS who have an absent father. Letting her have the help of their grandfather without constantly putting her down would be a good start.
You may think you aren't doing that but that is what I picked up from you posts, so goodness knows what those boys have picked up from contact with you.
It's far more honest to make negative comments and admit you dislike someone than to pretend to be supportive, whilst questioning the care someone provides at every opportunity, and regarding any contact with their ex-husband as threatening your marriage.

Where on earth did all that come from? I'm utterly amazed by the interpretation you have put on the OP's request for advice, and by your totally speculative assumption that she has some sort of downer on the ex-wife., when quite the opposite seems to be the case. "You sure have it in for the loser"? Good grief. Did it somehow hit a nerve, or come a little too close to home? You appear to have constructed a fictional plot around this, entirely of your own making, and have made some extremely unpleasant and totally unwarranted accusations based on no evidence whatsoever. .

Sorry you had to read all that, Lickety Split. Focus on the positive comments and advice. All mine would be would to stay out of it as far as you can, and just be there to support DH.

ethelwulf

Glorianny

Golly for the person who won the prize (your DH) you sure have it in for the loser don't you?
How do you know so much about this woman who will have no contact with you?
Perhaps she does just want help with the boys and knowing they behave better when they are with him, she asks him to speak to them when they misbehave. That doesn't mean she wants him back.
Perhaps she is a little tired of you insisting that she is a bad grandmother and telling her what she should and should not do (maybe that is another reason she doesn't want contact with you)
Try accommodating her a little more. She must be grieving for her daughter and trying to do her best for two grieving GS who have an absent father. Letting her have the help of their grandfather without constantly putting her down would be a good start.
You may think you aren't doing that but that is what I picked up from you posts, so goodness knows what those boys have picked up from contact with you.
It's far more honest to make negative comments and admit you dislike someone than to pretend to be supportive, whilst questioning the care someone provides at every opportunity, and regarding any contact with their ex-husband as threatening your marriage.

Where on earth did all that come from? I'm utterly amazed by the interpretation you have put on the OP's request for advice, and by your totally speculative assumption that she has some sort of downer on the ex-wife., when quite the opposite seems to be the case. "You sure have it in for the loser"? Good grief. Did it somehow hit a nerve, or come a little too close to home? You appear to have constructed a fictional plot around this, entirely of your own making, and have made some extremely unpleasant and totally unwarranted accusations based on no evidence whatsoever. .

Sorry you had to read all that, Lickety Split. Focus on the positive comments and advice. All mine would be would to stay out of it as far as you can, and just be there to support DH.

The OP says she has no contact with the grandmother then
She has never accepted our marriage and makes negative comments about me to the grandchildren, leaving them in an awkward position, as the boys and I have a lovely relationship
That's criticism and blaming the GM
She is now using the situation to make demands on my husband
Actually she's asking the boys grandfather for help.
She is hot-blooded in nature and speaks to the boys in a condescending and aggressive manner herself. She used to call her daughter ‘a f*****g little b***h’ as a child – I think this illustrates the core of her personality
How on earth does the OP know this as she has said there is no contact? Some people swear, some don't. It's unnecessary criticism.

The whole theme of the post is that the GM is to blame, handles the boys poorly, and is generally resentful and seeking to rekindle a relationship. with he OP's DH. The GM may well need help but the OP needs to stop blaming her or seeing her as some sort of rival.

Thanks ethelwulf,

I appreciate your friendly advice.

LicketySplit

Thanks ethelwulf,

I appreciate your friendly advice.

No problem. Just ignore the fantasy. You know you're the one trying to remain positive throughout this difficult situation, and if there's any compromises being made to keep the peace, you're the one making them. Hope it all works out.

The most important thing here is the welfare of these two troubled boys, bereft of their mother, father, half their siblings and presumably their former home. No wonder they are difficult.

A meeting of all concerned parties, including the father, is very necessary; it is unlikely the autistic child's problems will disappear as he gets older and his grandmother is finding it hard to cope now; she needs all the support she can get.

I am a first wife and was well aware of the campaign waged against me by the second, wondering why as her objective was achieved. After a few years it ceased to matter.

No one mentions here age. Are we dealing with adults in their 50s, 60s or 70s? This will make a big difference.

LRavenscroft

No one mentions here age. Are we dealing with adults in their 50s, 60s or 70s? This will make a big difference.

The boys' grandmother:
She has no partner and has recently retired and so has more time on her hands.
One would presume she is mid to late sixties, and may be struggling, having lost her daughter, caring without a lot of support for two recently bereaved teenagers, one of whom is autistic and starting to become aggressive towards her.

I feel sorry for her, she needs help.
Not the retirement she hoped for, I imagine.