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Walking On Eggshells for Critical DIL

(139 Posts)
J916j916 Sat 22-Jul-23 17:03:24

I never thought I would have a problem like this. My son and his wife just had their first child (9 mos). They are in their mid 30's. My DIL prior to having the baby tender towards the "she knows better" mentality, but it could be laughed off. Since the baby I can literally do nothing right. Some examples, I've been told not to wear a face makeup I loved because it shouldn't come on his skin. We watch him twice a week so she can work on building up her business, clean house, etc.and I've been given an app to use to look up everything I get for him to make sure it's "safe". She was here when I was feeding him a bottle and told me I was doing it wrong (?), and proceeded to move my body into a positive that was not ever going to work. She even wrapped a boppi pillow around my husband's stomach recently so he would feel like he's nursing (???), Alexa is too loud when we sing nursery rhyms. I could go on and on. BUT, what has led me here is yesterday my son picked him up and mentioned that after he's here she gives him a bath to get the smell of me off of him. What?? He said, I can smell it to. I think it's your lotion. I mean, really? They want to wash his Nana off? I'm crushed. I feel like I'm bending over backwards until almost breaking and that hurt. Am I being too sensitive?

Hithere Mon 31-Jul-23 13:14:49


You should open a new thread so this one is left for the op that opened it

lyleLyle Mon 31-Jul-23 14:52:54

A. Your daughter in law does know better what’s best for her baby. It’s her baby. If you had the idea that you were going to give unsolicited advice or act as a guide to a thirty something year old grown woman, that was unwise.

B. If they can smell your lotion on the baby, it’s too much. Not just for a baby, but in general. Babies have sensitive skin. If you are slathering highly fragrant substances, it’s not in the child’s best interest. But also, can you really blame someone for not wanting their baby’s baby scent erased by some adults scent?

The bottom line is that if this arrangement isn’t working, be honest and let them find other child care. You being resentful that a young mum wants what she believes is best for her baby isn’t going to end well. I’m not saying you are wrong for being annoyed with feeling picked at. But family-as-regular childcare situations are not as ideal as people want to believe. Maybe the best thing for everyone is that granny keeps the job of granny and gives the job of child-miner away to someone more adherent to the parents’ requirements.

Jennana Thu 03-Aug-23 07:28:31

I am so sorry you guys are going through this because I feel the same with my daughter-in-law. I pray daily because it can get me feeling quite sad. When my Grandson is happy to see me, she gets so jealous that I then won’t be invited for a while after that. I keep praying.

Smileless2012 Thu 03-Aug-23 11:07:44

Jennana flowers. Jealousy is such a destructive emotion and I'm sorry that your d.i.l.'s is affecting your relationship with her and your GS.

What on earth is there to be jealous of? There will come a time when your GS has another woman in his life and if his mum's jealous of you, how will she cope then?

Floradora9 Thu 03-Aug-23 21:08:18

When I was at work and was given target to meet I used to agree with them all . Then I forgot all about them so do the same agree with everything then do your own thing .

icanhandthemback Thu 03-Aug-23 22:04:16


When I was at work and was given target to meet I used to agree with them all . Then I forgot all about them so do the same agree with everything then do your own thing .

Hardly a way to build trust with the DIL.

MercuryQueen Fri 04-Aug-23 02:30:42


When I was at work and was given target to meet I used to agree with them all . Then I forgot all about them so do the same agree with everything then do your own thing .

That’s a guaranteed way to destroy trust and a relationship in one fell swoop.

If you have no intention of following the parents requests while minding their child, have the courage of your convictions and say so. Then they can make an informed decision about allowing you to babysit.

Bird40 Wed 16-Aug-23 20:53:13

You sound wonderful. I wish I had had the same help that you are offering.
You're giving your time and love twice a week and I think they sound ungrateful and horribly selfish. I'm sorry nothing particularly helpful to add but I hope this improves as little one gets older.
I'd personally be saying you can look after her once a week and just smile through it and focus on being a grandma. Little one will grow up quickly and hopefully see how kind you are x

letitroll999 Sat 09-Sep-23 22:12:30

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Foxygloves Sat 09-Sep-23 22:44:12

Just to say you have posted the identical post of two new threads.

Is there a reason?

Mamasperspective Fri 15-Sep-23 20:18:44

It's difficult as a new mother because there has been so much research into what is safe now and what is not compared to years ago.

I had some basic boundaries with MIL such as holding baby slightly more upright (not completely upright) as that was the only thing that stopped her being in agony all night with colic, not feeding LO chocolate (which she took upon herself to decide to give her it between 6-7 months) and a couple of other basic things.

Of course she had raised kids herself (almost 40 years ago) and knew better.

It's a difficult dynamic because new moms rarely need advice now or need to know what methods were used years ago as everything you need to know supported by current research is available online. Did MIL's kids survive? Yes! But SIDS figures are A LOT lower than back in her days of mothering young children and that's because of modern studies.

I am now NC with my MIL but she sees LO with DH about once a fortnight.

Some of the things you mention sound a bit much but maybe (as far as lotion/perfume) you like the smell and they simply don't? Or find it a little strong/overbearing? Is the idea for you to provide childcare your idea or theirs? You must have walked down the street before and thought how nice or how bad someone's perfume/aftershave smelled. It's not that it's necessarily 'bad' just not to your taste and obviously your choice of lotion/perfume isn't to theirs.

Ultimately this is your grandchild but this is their child so you have now become extended family to their nuclear family.

I wouldn't take offence or get upset by their comments, just take their wishes on board and look into the safety stuff for yourself a bit more - when you look at the research, it's often quite surprising what you can learn.

Esmay Fri 15-Sep-23 20:37:07

Okay , it's possible that your make up and scent are too much.
But I think that you know how to bottle feed as you've had children .

I was lectured on how to feed my grandchildren and told that they mustn't watch TV.
I did lots of creative work with them and read them endless stories - but sometimes I needed to go to the loo !

Say something in protest and you risk not being allowed to see your grandchild .

Perhaps , they can pay for a professional childminder and discover that their endless rules and regulations are too much .

Hetty58 Fri 15-Sep-23 20:43:19

If Alexa is too loud it could damage a baby's hearing. Noise levels we consider normal can still be damaging. Maybe the grandparents are a bit deaf?

I'm allergic to so many things, quite often something perfumed - so I understand the worry over cosmetics and lotions. What's more important, seriously, looking after the baby - or being covered in potential chemical allergens?

If you can't make a few small changes to accommodate their requests, maybe don't look after the child?