Walking On Eggshells for Critical DIL

Interesting. My first thought was to wonder how strong a scent was worn
Yes MercuryQueen that was my thought too. Maybe the parents don’t want their house pervaded by the scent, let alone the baby.

As usual Hithere made sensible comments.

There seems to be a new trend blowing through parenting and child rearing in general. I am not sure if it will prove to be successful. Only time will tell. But sure is sure, they will all face a shock when they hit the real world especially now with the growing food crisis, climate crisis, war crisis, housing crisis, fuel crisis etc, etc, etc, etc. Perhaps your DIL may want to rethink that one!

If a parent wants to lay down stringent rules about everything, then they need to put their hands in their pockets and employ someone - then you can lay down what you want.

It all sounds OTT, but, quite honestly, if she has another child, it will probably stop.🙂

Georgesgran

???? Which posts aren’t in English?
American grans, Canadian grands and Australian grans are frequent posters, but all in English.

And Welsh Grans!
Lechyd da!

MercuryQueen

ethelwulf

Sorry, but to be actually told by both parents that they wash the baby to remove your scent would be the last straw for me. At best, insensitive, at worst incredibly rude and hurtful. I'd be telling them to employ a Nanny as they clearly think that you aren't capable of caring for a baby without close supervision. Ridiculous.

Sorry you're having this experience, and not surprised you're hurting. Take back control of your life.

Interesting. My first thought was to wonder how strong a scent was worn.

I wondered about the perfume but there are ways of saying it more kindly.

"Mum, that perfume is really strong, I wonder if you'd mind not using it when you're looking after the baby, please?".
Perhaps the makeup is getting on his clothes, too.

We only know one side of the story.

J916j916

Hi
I never thought I would have a problem like this. My son and his wife just had their first child (9 mos). They are in their mid 30's. My DIL prior to having the baby tender towards the "she knows better" mentality, but it could be laughed off. Since the baby I can literally do nothing right. Some examples, I've been told not to wear a face makeup I loved because it shouldn't come on his skin. We watch him twice a week so she can work on building up her business, clean house, etc.and I've been given an app to use to look up everything I get for him to make sure it's "safe". She was here when I was feeding him a bottle and told me I was doing it wrong (?), and proceeded to move my body into a positive that was not ever going to work. She even wrapped a boppi pillow around my husband's stomach recently so he would feel like he's nursing (???), Alexa is too loud when we sing nursery rhyms. I could go on and on. BUT, what has led me here is yesterday my son picked him up and mentioned that after he's here she gives him a bath to get the smell of me off of him. What?? He said, I can smell it to. I think it's your lotion. I mean, really? They want to wash his Nana off? I'm crushed. I feel like I'm bending over backwards until almost breaking and that hurt. Am I being too sensitive?

Sorry, but tell them to find someone else .

Ofcourse the world is different Calipso but we older ones are also in it, our help and advice still needed.

That’s kind of cutting off your nose to spite your face though.

Presumably the OP actually wants to see her grandchild. If she says “Find somebody else” they will.

They don’t like the smell. Just don’t wear the lotion.

How easy is that?

Parents seem so very touchy with their new borns! If she is behaving like this now how on earth will she cope in the future with the issues that arrive with children as they develop!?
In your shoes I would be very offended indeed!! I have always had my daughter's children - still do. No instructions, no criticism thank goodness , they are just thankful! If
this attitude persists perhaps she would rather pay huge amounts for day care? At least then they would have to deal with her demands. Of course babies are very precious - but really!!!!!??? You shouldn't have to deal with this and I am sure it takes the pleasure of being a GP away. A difficult situation and you have my sympathy, give her time to adjust to parenthood and if things don't improve then it might be wise to diplomatically suggest alternative childcare - and pay for it !!

I remember smelling the soap my parents used to wash my son when they looked after him, but I never said anything; it was straightforward hand soap and a reputable brand; I simply didn't like the smell.

How has it come about that new parents are so rude towards their own parents, whilst availing themselves of their services? Is it because so many are in their thirties and 'research' everything before they actually have any experience of children?

No way would i pander to the parents. I would suggest very strongly they need to find alternative childcare. How ridiculous. Three words Just say no!

I would just use unperfumed stuff on the days you have the baby.. I can remember being in hospital and having staff dealing with me smelling of perfume and cigarette smoke.. it was really unpleasant.. some people are just very sensitive to smells.. and she is probably super anxious and watching too much stuff on social media though clearly non of the sites about gratitude.. if the benefits you get from being with your GC no longer outweigh the criticism you will have to tell them to find a childminder. that generation is very entitled in my experience.. wait til they have another child and the reality of that hits.. they won't be so critical then

Well I haven't done that! I find foul body odour far more offensive

I agree eazybee . I would never dream of speaking to my DM or my parents in law like these do to the OP.
Downright rude!

I was 21 when my DS1 was born and DMiL was 45, a teacher who had brought up 3 AC. My own DM had brought us 3 up alone and was a university lecturer.
I had the greatest respect for them both.

I may have been envious that they had time to put on makeup and scent.

rafichagran

Let them find a nursery. They would really get in my nerves.

Completely agree. I would tell them to go elsewhere. They are being ridiculous. No nursery would follow their ludicrous rules.

Stop feeling crushed!

Accept that this is their first baby and that this kind of behaviour is normal these days for new parents.

If you want to be part of your grandson's life, you just have to accept that your DIL's rules must be respected to a certain extent.

Hold the baby while feeding him as she wants, if she is present and do it your own way, once she is out the door.

Joke with your husband about the pillow - no need to use it when DIL is not around.

If you complain about this sort of thing now, she will stop you being anywhere near the child as like as not.

As to your lotions and make-up: Here I think your DIL is the reasonable one.

Perfumed products may well cause allergies if infants are exposed to them, so don't use them on the days you are looking after the child.

I would wash him and change his clothes if he were my baby and came home smelling of perfumed products.

Sorry, if you are not useing perfumed products, but really the same thing applies. All houses have their own scent and where it may be silly to "wash it off a child", she is a new mother, feeling insecure (as we all did) and desperate to do the right thing for her precious baby.

She will relax as time goes by and her sense of smell which may be over-sensitive due to pregancy, child-birth and lactation will return to normal.

If you allow your hurt feelings to show right now, it could cause a family row of the kind you will regret, so please, try to look back over the years to yourself as a new mother and try to summon up a smile and a head-shake for all the daft things new parents do.

Catterygirl

Are most Grans on this site American? No objection but just wondering as people don’t use English language.

Maybe you need new glasses if you wear them or need them if you don't, we all write in English with a tiny bit of Scots and Welsh. Or are you alluding to our bad Grammar?
Getting back to the post I would ask my DIL what make-up she wears and lotion and if could she lend you some that come with hers and your son's approval.
This unfortunately is not the first time I have heard of this scenario, a relation who lives abroad told me the same. She had been leaving casseroles etc. on their step when inappropriately dressed for their standards.
She remedied it by stopping the cooking and asking to visit or give any help. When no 2 came along they were shouting for help but by then she had joined quite a few clubs and voluntary groups and was otherwise engaged.
They are all still friends but on a more equal footing.

Childhood is so short and babies grow so quickly. Before you know it your DGC will be at nursery and then school. Just enjoy the time you have with him. The demands and requirements may be irritating but you have other times which are more important. Try to rise above the annoying stuff.
Some people do have very sensitive sense of smells and find some perfumes really upsetting. The smell she is washing off is not your smell, it's the product you are using.
She's a first time mum, lending you her baby. Sometimes when you lend special things you want to supervise every moment. It takes time to adjust.

Once I bought the wrong Aptamil for the baby - my word - my daughter almost killed me !!!- but, no harm done. He only had one feed 😂 He is now a strapping 21 year old, who is staying with me for a few days, due to a ‘row’ with his Mum over his bad Degree results, well, let’s not sugar coat it, he Failed!!! I’m sure he’ll be forgiven - there are worse things than an exam failure….

grabdtante said: As to your lotions and make-up: Here I think your DIL is the reasonable one.

I agree. I wouldn't have wanted any baby of mine to smell of synthetic make-up or perfume pongs, nor to have his/her skin smudged with them.

People in general don't seem to understand the trouble scents/perfumes cause for some of us. And, if you wash enough, they are not even necessary.

Apologies for mispelling grandtante.

Tell them to put their hand in their pocket and find alternative childcare I think many of these parents actually think they are doing grandparents a favour allowing them to look after their children where in reality it's the other way around

Why do new parents behave in this way? All babies are precious - but really!? Always had my daughters children, no instructions but of course would follow any really necessary ones! However they are just thankful I can be a care giver for their children. I know new mums are very protective but your DIL is surely going far too far !!! If she behaves like this now how on earth will she manage when the child/ ren grow and develop and present problems either in school or socially?
I can only suggest that if this situation continues you may want to diplomatically suggest she seeks alternative childcare - and see how she likes paying for it . Obviously this would deprive you of caring for your GC and I appreciate that would be difficult, but sometimes needs must !
I agree your son and DIL concerns are NOT valid - they have a baby for goodness sake it's nothing new nor
is it rocket science!!! In your situation I would be very offended, she is indeed behaving like a Prima Donna!!! It must be indeed like walking on eggshells and that takes all the joy out of caring for your loved GC.- So why put yourself in that situation ? If a childminder/nursery is found I am not sure they would be able to cope with her demands . DIL may rethink and settle down but if not back out politely and with grace. I would not be able to cope that situation. Good luck.

Grammaretto

Ofcourse the world is different Calipso but we older ones are also in it, our help and advice still needed.

But that is exactly my point. So many posts advising the OP to stop looking after her grandchild which is absolutely , as suggested upthread, cutting off your nose to spite your face.

My view is to remember that the baby's parents are trying their best and to cut them some slack. They are learning and mistakes will be made. One day they will probably look back and laugh at themselves.

And we should be mindful that not all help and advice is well-informed or welcomed. Being older unfortunately doesn't make everyone wiser 😉

Yes I do see what you mean Calipso but the thread is about walking on eggshells and I think that is the phrase which engendered outrage!