Walking On Eggshells for Critical DIL

harrysgran

Tell them to put their hand in their pocket and find alternative childcare I think many of these parents actually think they are doing grandparents a favour allowing them to look after their children where in reality it's the other way around

I think many of them are doing the grandparent sa favour in allowing them so much time with the grands. Is it also helpful to the parents ? Yes, but it’s a mutual benefit. I’m always shocked when so many fellow nans on her have instant advice of “tell them to hire a nanny “ because they can’t do whatever they please while caring for someone else’s baby - helping someone you supposedly love isn’t a license to do as you please and they should like it! I wonder if these “quit on the spit they’re ungrateful” nans are the same ones who later complain they never see the grands and the wicked dil has put them in daycare or worse her mother minds them and they’re never included.

I find it amazing how many people value wearing makeup and scented products over their gc and relationship with their son and DIL.

Regardless of if you think it’s silly, it’s really not a hard request to accommodate. Folks would really rather embrace being offended, and take the request as an insult.

Of course the OP has the right to refuse whatever she wants. But is it going to end well? Is she going to be happy with the results? If you’re counting on them backing down, be prepared for disappointment, especially if they consider scented products and makeup on their baby’s skin to be a health issue.

MercuryQueen I find it amazing how many people value wearing makeup and scented products over their gc and relationship with their son and DIL. Regardless of if you think it’s silly, it’s really not a hard request to accommodate.

Indeed. Why walk on eggshells over a tiny request, just do as asked, go along precisely and get along well.

Afraid I think this is a wind up abd the silly comments about
having to shower and wash hair after sitting next to someone who smelt of perfume, no one would consider doing that of sound mind.if Some Sundays must be boring for some people I guess.

Looking after my DGD when parents were at work was the best. Enjoy it J916J916.

You are in a good position spending regular time with your grandchild

Those rules sound relatively simple and no trouble to follow so just do so.. especially as some revolve around allergies... Just leave off the lotion and problem makeup.

You could follow advice to tell them to get a nanny but they probably would and then you would have shot yourself in the foot

I think it all depends on how much you actually want to look after your grandchild and if you want to retain a good relationship with your son. You can be indignant and tell them to take the baby elsewhere but you risk a fallout which you might regret.
You can be indignant, keep quiet, just wait for them to relax which they will eventually and enjoy the time you have with your grandchild which is truly a privilege that others don't get.
Maybe you have never noticed your scent because you have been using it for so long. My next-door neighbour always smells well perfumed which doesn't bother me but it would cause my daughter problems not least because of her asthma.

I would just tell them that, while you understand their love and care for your dear grandchild. The standards they require are more than you can meet and it would be better for them to employ a nanny or child minder, thoroughly trained in meeting parents special requirements

There is absolutely no reason for you to feel crushed or anything else, The problem is theirs, not yours. So shed the load and dance off into the sunset unencumbered.

Allsorts

Afraid I think this is a wind up abd the silly comments about
having to shower and wash hair after sitting next to someone who smelt of perfume, no one would consider doing that of sound mind.if Some Sundays must be boring for some people I guess.

My mind is very sound, thank you.

Actually people go to a lot of trouble and expense to chose a perfume they like and to scent their houses or get rid of a smell they don’t like. Or avoid shops like Lush because of the smell.

That shows how important the sense of smell is.

When I worked in a crisp factory I would wash when I came home to get rid of the smell of hot fat. Why wouldn’t I shower to get rid of the smell of someone else’s musky perfume.

There’s really no need to be unpleasant.

This is not just about the Daughter-in-law if the son can smell it too.

Lathyrus

Allsorts

Afraid I think this is a wind up abd the silly comments about
having to shower and wash hair after sitting next to someone who smelt of perfume, no one would consider doing that of sound mind.if Some Sundays must be boring for some people I guess.

My mind is very sound, thank you.

Actually people go to a lot of trouble and expense to chose a perfume they like and to scent their houses or get rid of a smell they don’t like. Or avoid shops like Lush because of the smell.

That shows how important the sense of smell is.

When I worked in a crisp factory I would wash when I came home to get rid of the smell of hot fat. Why wouldn’t I shower to get rid of the smell of someone else’s musky perfume.

There’s really no need to be unpleasant.

Allsorts sometimes a smell can get up your nostrils and seem to stay there. If it's something unpleasant like Opium or Poison (the perfumes, they are really unpleasant to some) or anything strong, then it can linger and smell all day.
If in close proximity to someone wearing strong perfumes it seems to become absorbed and linger on clothes, in hair etc.

My mind is very sound, thank you
Mine too, as far as I am aware!!

I think it may be a wind up. The OP hasn't been back have they?
It's certainly got us all worked up.

Grammaretto

I think it may be a wind up. The OP hasn't been back have they?
It's certainly got us all worked up.

Do you smell a rat?

Sorry for the pun.

We have a relative who wears a strong perfume, uses a lot of air freshener and never opens a window.
Anything and everything of ours picks up that smell when we visit and goes straight in the wash when we get home 😷
I would never tell them though...

V3ra I wouldn't either - but family (such as my sons) would definitely be "frank" if it was my home!

Callistemon

Thank you all for your input. It has given me a lot to think about. In regards to the smell, when we are going to watch the baby I don't ever wear any perfume, my lotion is on the approved list, and my antiperspirant is as well. I list that one because he sleeps in my arms and I thought it might be that. I was trying to think of what it .might possibly be. I am very smell sensitive which made it harder for me and probably hit harder too. My son and gbaby came over yesterday, dil had work. I flat out told him his comment had really bothered me. Tell me, do I stink? Does my house smell? I mean, geeze, let's figure it out as we want what's best for our sweet baby. He said no! Of course not. If he had to describe it, it smelled like a faint, warm vanilla. Huh?? Ok, now I was stumped. We traced it down to the shower wash I use. Seriously. So, if you want good shower wash, use Bath and Body works. The examples I gave were just a smattering of things that go on. I know first time parents can be tough, I know keeping a good family relationship is paramount. This smell comment was just the last twist on this Nana's heart. I really appreciate the responses. Some of you were totally wrong (the ones that disagreed with me...just kidding) all points of view were very helpful!

I wondered if it might have been the washing powder/detergent you use to be honest...
I can smell the one my daughter-in-law likes if I pass someone on the street!

Glad you tracked it down!
Hope things go more smoothly soon.

Well so it is for real!
Thanks for your explanation j916j916

The smell of fabric conditioner or detergents can both be overpowering. Just walk down that aisle in a supermarket or visit a nursery.
You should be able to buy natural products without perfume.

Lotion and antiperspirant on the "approved" list? Heavens. DD never tried that one with me - she also didn't complain (or notice probably) if either GS had lipstick kisses on their heads. Having bottle and breast fed my children I've never been aware of a "wrong" position for bottle feeding - perhaps my babies hadn't read the right books. As for the smell - when my GSs were small they liked the fact that they knew when I had arrived because they could smell my perfume.

To be fair, if you have a baby with colic, position might be important. My husband cannot stand the smell of vanilla so he would understand the problem. I am sure things will settle down eventually. The first day my daughter in law turned up she had a list as long as your arm and every now and again I would do something innocently just to find it was a no, no. By the end of my baby caring, it had all become much more relaxed.

Oh, additional side note...this isn't my first gbaby and completely opposite experience than the other. But I know no two are the same.

All soaps and detergents are on the approved list. I mean it when I say I have really made the effort to work with them.

So do tell us what you have decided to do j916 .