Walking On Eggshells for Critical DIL

J916j916

All soaps and detergents are on the approved list. I mean it when I say I have really made the effort to work with them.

I do hope your daughter in-law and son calm down a bit soon and you can happily carry on caring for your grandchild.

They would certainly struggle to find professional childcare that would be able to take all their requirements on board!
Can you imagine a childminder having to tell the parents of the other children they look after that only certain laundry detergents are acceptable for their own children's clothes, as they would be in contact with the baby?
It would be impossible to enable that level of control 🙄

I am fortunate to have raised sons that I can openly communicate with. I only have sons. I told my DILs from the beginning that I did not have a good relationship with my MIL and hoped we would have a beautiful one. They know I feel so blessed my sons have such wonderful women to share their lives with. This is the first bump of significance we have had. I will note they are also having issues along these lines with other family members.
We retired and moved here to be close to them and live by them as they began their family. All other family live in other cities or states. So much is at stake there has to be a way to work through this. Just when I think we have got on a good footing something else hits. We just want to love on our gbaby and enjoy him. At this point I guess I just need to continue to talk it through with my son. If it gets bigger it will have to be a group chat. I'm not willing to jeopardize my ability to be in his life. We made a lot of changes and life choices to even get here. I hope someday they can see that and possibly appreciate it somewhat.

Bath and body works is in the strong side of perfume wise

As for the quality of their products... no comment

The son and dil have the right to approve creams, deodorants, etc

Allegies, eczema, sensitive skin, etc., is very much a problem for some people.

No teacher in my daycare wears anthing that could irritate any children

I hope the move was also ok with your dil.

You made the changes you wanted to make, in fact, you have a close relationship with your son and gc. Isn't that enough?

How much more would you want to be appreciated?

They actually asked us if we could move here. We don't do this for the accolades, but it us a long jump from accolades to criticism.
I appreciate everyone's input. I know we all come from different places.

Allsorts

Afraid I think this is a wind up abd the silly comments about
having to shower and wash hair after sitting next to someone who smelt of perfume, no one would consider doing that of sound mind.if Some Sundays must be boring for some people I guess.

People are different. Some have better senses of smell than others. The fact that you don’t understand why Lathyrus would want to have a shower after having to be near another person smelling strongly of perfume does not mean that Lathyrus is not ‘of sound mind’. There is no need to be unpleasant.

OP, I hope you will find a way through, and that your son and DIL will appreciate your moving to be near them and value the help you give them. I expect they will, and I think your DIL will take a more relaxed approach in time, especially if she has more babies.

I am child free by choice and have never in my life bathed or change a baby.

Many years ago I (very reluctantly) agreed to "watch" a neighbours baby while she went for an interview. She did not leave me any instructions nor did I ask for any. I told her to put the carry cot on the bed in the bedroom and off she went. I wondered what she would do if she got the job and decided that I was NOT going to be the default babysitter.

When she returned she asked if he had been ok. I told her that yes he had woken up and cried a bit but I just turned up the TV. I was never asked to babysit again.

Biglouis 😅
When our 3 boys were young we lived close to DGG. She was in her 80s and deaf .
She would mind the children if we were out for a short time like to see the school teacher at parents night
I came home to hear the baby screaming, the boys yelling and the TV volume up high
"They were no bother" said grannie "baby didn't stir"

I am not surprised you weren't asked again biglouis! As a parent I would have been very upset

I just need to continue to talk it through with my son

Not this! How is your son to deal with being piggy in the middle? Talk with BOTH of them.

If there is something they do not like then do not do/wear it - simples.

If you want to talk with them about what they are happy/not happy with then by all means do so - say you want to get it right - but talk to them both at once - and not in an aggrieved way.

It is your choice: listen to what they are saying or miss out of fun time with GC and sour your relationship with them all.

First rule of being a grandparent: do it the the parents' way and zip the lip!

mumofmadboys

I am not surprised you weren't asked again biglouis! As a parent I would have been very upset

Some people just do not like children but forget they were a child years ago.

J916j916

Oh, additional side note...this isn't my first gbaby and completely opposite experience than the other. But I know no two are the same.

No, nor are DIL's or DD's! We have 5 families with children and we've looked after all of them at some point. So many different rules but so much love too.

I've got 5 grandchildren, now adult, and I've never been given a lots of rules or requests...,ever.

I find it all a bit odd. 🤔

DiamondLily

I've got 5 grandchildren, now adult, and I've never been given a lots of rules or requests...,ever.

I find it all a bit odd. 🤔

Every family is different.

We've an abundance of GC,GGC,GGGc - follow many rule lists.

I'm not one to break rules or 'do things my way.' I readily admit I don't 'know best' for children whom I'm not raising and not full time carer.

How has it been, since you stopped using the banned 'vanilla' item?

Don't worry go with the flow eventually the new parents calm down ! Just do whatever rather than become estranged. I've bitten my tongue so many times over the last 8 years But have to agree when DGC 2 showed up it was here they are see you later

Norah

DiamondLily

I've got 5 grandchildren, now adult, and I've never been given a lots of rules or requests...,ever.

I find it all a bit odd. 🤔

Every family is different.

We've an abundance of GC,GGC,GGGc - follow many rule lists.

I'm not one to break rules or 'do things my way.' I readily admit I don't 'know best' for children whom I'm not raising and not full time carer.

No, I'm not saying I would have gone against anything in particular.

The kids just never gave me any lists or requests. They just assumed I wouldn't do anything outrageous.

Which I didn't. 🙂

I am basically going through the exact same thing with my DIL. My granddaughter is 10 months old. I have to ask permission to post any pics on social media so I recently posted 2 pics (I got permission from my son). I wanted to post daddy/daughter pics. One of the photos has the back of my DILs head in it. I blew up the picture so you could see the baby's face better andin doing so it cut out a portion of the back of her head. She has thrown a fit and unfriended me and blocked me from her social media and now my son isn't answering. I had no malicious intent and have apologized but she assumes the worst. What do I do?

Obviously, Txlakegirl you can't do anything now other than remove the offending image(s) from social media and let them know you have taken it down. Hopefully things will then settle down and gradually return to an even footing.

If you want to put any more up in future I suggest you promise to post exactly the image you ask permission for and then don't crop it or change it.

Also, you say now my son isn't answering but your post is actually complaining about your daughter-in-law. Why do you think your son isn't answering? - Maybe he sees it as disrespectful towards the person he has chosen to spend his life with? He is presumably cross with you.
It sounds from the outside that they have both found something unacceptable about the image and have acted in unison. He is an adult and his own person - and he was the one who you say let you use them photo in the first place so he probably feels very bad about it too.

Please try, for everyone's sake, to build bridges with your daughter-in-law. Try to see the good in her through your son's eyes - and consider if she may be simply protecting her family unit which is clearly a good thing to do. Could you send her some flowers with a heartfelt apology?

Do not try to cut her out in future in any way or things will not go well. She is the route to peace and harmony.
Good luck.

Txlakegirl

I am basically going through the exact same thing with my DIL. My granddaughter is 10 months old. I have to ask permission to post any pics on social media so I recently posted 2 pics (I got permission from my son). I wanted to post daddy/daughter pics. One of the photos has the back of my DILs head in it. I blew up the picture so you could see the baby's face better andin doing so it cut out a portion of the back of her head. She has thrown a fit and unfriended me and blocked me from her social media and now my son isn't answering. I had no malicious intent and have apologized but she assumes the worst. What do I do?

I am struggling to understand why anyone would throw a wobbly about having a part of the back of her head cut out of a photo! It isn't really about that though I suspect. For whatever reason she feels that you are trying to exclude her, or are trying to ignore her relationship with your son etc. I am not saying that is what you are doing either deliberately or inadvertently, but I do think you need to think about WHY she might be feeling like that. I hope you can get this sorted.

My MIL had a photo of my DH in her lounge - it was one of our wedding photos with me cut off!

eddiecat78

My MIL had a photo of my DH in her lounge - it was one of our wedding photos with me cut off!

unbelievable... ghastly behaviour

Txlakegirl

I am basically going through the exact same thing with my DIL. My granddaughter is 10 months old. I have to ask permission to post any pics on social media so I recently posted 2 pics (I got permission from my son). I wanted to post daddy/daughter pics. One of the photos has the back of my DILs head in it. I blew up the picture so you could see the baby's face better andin doing so it cut out a portion of the back of her head. She has thrown a fit and unfriended me and blocked me from her social media and now my son isn't answering. I had no malicious intent and have apologized but she assumes the worst. What do I do?

You mention wanting Daddy/daughter pics. I wonder… have you asked to post any pics of the three of them?

The reaction says that your DIL is feeling excluded. I’d take a step back and look at things, see if there’s anything that might be making her feel that way.

This. Intentional or otherwise it’s clear your dil is feeling excluded. I’d think hard on how you may have contributed to that and then sincerely apologize

Ohhh heck ! This is sad that all this is aimed your way, its no wonder you are upset. Despite the fact new mums are extra sensitive and protective she is doing nothing wrong in having that stance but I would say that they are bit OTT and very hurtful.

I say this in a nice way.... could you look at her remarks and filter through each 1 and view them outside the box ?

She is maybe stressed with everything and its aiming your way, your son may have mentioned your scent because he's fed up of hearing your DIL going on about it, a lot of things go on that we know nothing about....

I know its very hurtful and at the same time annoying, here you are being a lovely grandma to your little boy and all you're getting is negative remarks...

Dont say too much that causes cracks ..... mind you saying that I think your DIL remarks have already caused a few cracks. !!! I should say dont cause anymore...

💐