My DIL will not allow my grandchildren to see my Daughter.

Sorry crossed posts🙂

I think, if your daughter will be living with you it will be her home for the time she is there. You cannot ask her to be elsewhere when you look after your son's children.

If you want to continue to look after the little ones and also honour your offer of a home to your daughter (and baby) then you may have to go to your son's home to look after his children.

If your daughter is going to continue to go one week to her father's and one week with you (which is what I seem to have picked up) then you can still (presumably) have the children at your home every other week.

I would personally wait till you are specifically "told" though. But I do also think it's wise to have a plan "b" (such as staying at your son's/daughter-in-law's house) if they want a break.

How sad that they haven't found a way through the problem (if that is really all the problem is).
Thinking of you.

grannynoonoo

Dinahmo

Why have your two adult children fallen out?

My Daughter and DIL have the same group of friends. They have been friends since school. At a recent hen party my daughter made a comment to another friend that if my Son and DIL have more children it would be difficult for us and her father to look after all three at once. Someone overheard and went to my son but the conversation was twisted to say they were putting on us too much. My daughter told them what was said but they chose not to believe her and it just got worse from then on.

My apologies for missing this update. Unfortunately, this is for your children to work out. Yes, it does seem a bit petty. But I can certainly see the conflict in your daughter gossiping about your son's and DIL's reproductive plans, purely because your daughter wants the benefit of monopolizing your time for her own childcare. It' doesn't sound as though son and DIL are taking advantage of you. It sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement. Your daughter is the one at fault for this conflict and it's up to her to fix it.
I stand by my prior comment that your son/DIL have no right to say who you can or cannot have in your home, but they can choose to not take you up on offers to watch their children. Unfortunately, if your daughter isn't going to issue a heartfelt apology or they aren't going to accept an apology, you will have to choose who to accommodate. You may need to visit son/DIL to spend time with the children, rather than the other way around. It certainly feels unfair, but you can't fix their conflicts for them. I'm very sorry you're dealing with this.

welbeck

but it is the OP who would miss the GC, i get the feeling she sees it as enjoyable to look after them, rather than as a work task, which it really is.
so, she has to think carefully.
if the parents will not allow their children to be in the aunt's presence, and the aunt is in OP's house, then it follows that the children will not be there.

correct it is the best part of my week. I feel torn. When my daughter has her little girl what then? There isn't only an adult going to banned what about the cousin. Hope they still let the GC come here if I am looking after the new granddaughter

It's up to the parents who they want to be around amd you should stay neutral in this

Your daughter isn't there all the time so maybe just let them know when she is so they can work around it

Hopefully it will all blow over but remember that it will become worse if you become involved or take sides

So, I can see the comment being interpreted as being too much to babysit 3 kids

Now, it is the parents' responsibility to take care of their own kids

If dates have to be postponed for a while - so be it

They are not a need, they are a want

You also said your daughter is pregnant - is there a perceived competition who provides care for the gc?

grannynoonoo

welbeck

but it is the OP who would miss the GC, i get the feeling she sees it as enjoyable to look after them, rather than as a work task, which it really is.
so, she has to think carefully.
if the parents will not allow their children to be in the aunt's presence, and the aunt is in OP's house, then it follows that the children will not be there.

correct it is the best part of my week. I feel torn. When my daughter has her little girl what then? There isn't only an adult going to banned what about the cousin. Hope they still let the GC come here if I am looking after the new granddaughter

grannynoonoo When my daughter has her little girl what then? There isn't only an adult going to banned what about the cousin. Hope they still let the GC come here if I am looking after the new granddaughter.

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Would you wish to mix families who obviously do not get on? If so, why? Ignore their controversy, let them sort it or not - as they choose.

Lathyrus

I didn’t mean your daughter was not safe. Not at all.

But there is a difference Betts age and undesirable and sometimes you just don’t want your children within a sphere of influence and that can often come down to the things that might be said within their hearing.

So has your daughter sincerely apologised?

Yes she has, she dosen't comment in front of the children, at least not in my presence and never mentions the parents. However my son and DIL yesterday told my ex husband and his wife in front of the children that they don't want her there, they don't trust her and don't like her. My ex husbands wife was mortified and very upset it was said in front of the girls. I understand though that they may have felt they should have been asked however although my daughter told my ex husband about the fall out my son never has.

Smileless2012

Respond to the OP if you have something you think may be pertinent to the discussion lyleLyle. I'm not interested in your personal opinion of my point of view and it lends nothing to the discussion.

I’m sorry Smileless. I missed the memo giving you control of how I respond. I do agree that we don’t need to discuss with each other the OP. Have a nice day

Hithere

So, I can see the comment being interpreted as being too much to babysit 3 kids

Now, it is the parents' responsibility to take care of their own kids

If dates have to be postponed for a while - so be it

They are not a need, they are a want

You also said your daughter is pregnant - is there a perceived competition who provides care for the gc?

I am wondering also if my Son and DIL think their childcare would be reduced when the new Grandchild is here but this has never been mentioned. We have time for them all. My daughter runs her own business so will find it very difficult as it is a hands on business. My DIL works a few hours a week. My son has a successful business. They can afford nursery, my daughter will struggle to pay for childcare as her ex has left her with nothing. I am not taking sides and want to support them both equally if possible and see the GC as much as possible also. I do not think my son and DIL will stop me from seeing the GC they do like their date days or sometimes my DIL goes to see her friends and my son catches up with work.

Eddiecat:

I know the parents don’t want her around their children, and that whatever the issues, it’s not for you, the OP or anyone else to decide what they should accept as reasonable or trustworthy enough to be around their children. That is up to the parents alone. They know better than you, the OP, and Smileless because they are the parents. That is the only fact that matters. The parents know better.

OP read your update: even more of a reason to steer clear. If you heard the information second hand, let them tell you.

You are perfectly within your rights to tell them you can’t abide if the situation arises. I wasn’t calling you a liar at all, just reminding you that it is better to tell them outright that you can’t tell your daughter not to come around rather than keeping quiet about her and the children being together.

Hithere:

'What is silly for one person is very serious for another' - yes, and some people just look for possible insults or prejudice in innocent remarks. I'm thinking there may be some underlying jealousy that was just waiting for ignition.

If you're hiding your daughter's troubles (as she wants) you may be unwittingly adding to a feeling that she gets special attention. Maybe she ought to talk to her brother?

If your daughter has had a tougher time as you have described then her brother should be supporting her and he and his wife should be finding a way to put differences aside and move on. What's done is done, leave it in the past and learn from it, don't use it as a weapon to destroy people.

Well the OP says they’ve deliberately kept her circumstances secret from her brother, so I don’t think he can be castigated got nothing offering support for something he doesn’t know about!

Oh dear grannynoonoo well you D's explained what the overheard conversation was actually about can do no more.

I hope for your sake and your GD's that what's happened between their parents and their aunt will not impact on them being able to spend time with you.

No one wants to take sides with their own children and children shouldn't put their parents in a situation where they may feel the need to do so, and/or make their parent(s) feel torn.

If they do tell you they don't want your D in your home when the children are there, all you can reasonably do is tell them in advance that this will be the case and that you'll understand if they feel the need to make alternative arrangements.

Thank you eddicat . We are all giving advice and voicing our opinions and it's up to the OP which they choose to take on board or disregard.

So this isn’t your fight. You have zero say in the choices your SON and the mother of his children make die their children. They have decided they don’t want to it daughter around them . Or at least no around them unsupervised by them. That is their right. You get to decide only your part here Which is to say you won’t be able to have the grandchildren over because your daughter will be there at her will, or respect their choices and perhaps visit the grandchildren at their home etc instead. Of course you’re allowed to say you have in your home but they’re allowed in turn to say your grandchildren then. Can’t be there.

Your ex and his wife were wrong to increase daughter over to spend time with the children when they know the parents don’t want her around their kids. Of course they were upset.

The basic issue is, your daughter was gossiping negatively about her brother and his wife. Now they don’t want her around, presumably to prevent further gossip.

Certainly not an unreasonable choice on their part. They accepted her apology, but that doesn’t mean they trust her, and likely wonder what else she’s been saying behind their backs.

All you can do is be honest: she’s going to be living with you part time, and if they choose to make other childcare arrangements, you understand.

Whoever overheard the conversation and twisted what was said is the negative gossiper, not the OP's daughter.

Smileless2012

Whoever overheard the conversation and twisted what was said is the negative gossiper, not the OP's daughter.

As usual you’re sure anyone being kept from someone else’s children is always in the right. What next ? Family shouldn’t be cut off for addiction? Drug use ? You have no idea if daughter was in the wrong or not - no one does here. What’s wrong is never seeming to think it’s a parents right to choose has influence and access to their children. For Pete’s sake !

Grams2five

So this isn’t your fight. You have zero say in the choices your SON and the mother of his children make die their children. They have decided they don’t want to it daughter around them . Or at least no around them unsupervised by them. That is their right. You get to decide only your part here Which is to say you won’t be able to have the grandchildren over because your daughter will be there at her will, or respect their choices and perhaps visit the grandchildren at their home etc instead. Of course you’re allowed to say you have in your home but they’re allowed in turn to say your grandchildren then. Can’t be there.

Your ex and his wife were wrong to increase daughter over to spend time with the children when they know the parents don’t want her around their kids. Of course they were upset.

Non of us had been told that my daughter was not allowed to spend time with the children.

What does drug use and addiction have to do with this discussion Grams2five? When have I ever suggested that parents shouldn't/don't have the right to choose who has influence over and access to their children for Pete's sake.

I did wonder if it was the case that no one had been told grannynoonoo which makes more sense than your ex knowing your D wasn't to be with the children, being invited and then putting a photo of them on the family chat group, where your son and d.i.l. were sure to see it.

Smileless2012

What does drug use and addiction have to do with this discussion Grams2five? When have I ever suggested that parents shouldn't/don't have the right to choose who has influence over and access to their children for Pete's sake.

At every turn smileless. You simply never believe the person choosing to limit or end contact is correct - on countless threads you want to bash the cruelty and poor behavior of anyone doing so - how far they use their kid as punishment - over the years I’ve never once seen you seem to recognize that ts a parents decision who their children is around and that sometimes
They’re well
Within their rights to limit or simply cut off contact. It’s projection at its finest. It’s a parents choice who is involved in their kids lives - full stop.

Well it would seem your parents x has certainly been told now does it ? It seems quite clear all
Around that your son and dil don’t want daughter around their children- their decision. Were I yourself or your ex I would be sure to abide by that / whether that means not having daughter over when you’re with the children or simply letting your son know that daughter is at the house and you’ll need to see them at their place or not at all. Is entirely up to you. But I certainly wouldn’t involve myself any further