My DIL will not allow my grandchildren to see my Daughter.

I wasn’t inquiring after your interest, but thanks for sharing. I will however call out judgements based on fiction where I see fit. Have a nice day!

Why have your two adult children fallen out?

Respond to the OP if you have something you think may be pertinent to the discussion lyleLyle. I'm not interested in your personal opinion of my point of view and it lends nothing to the discussion.

granynoonoo I am dreading them telling me and my husband that we cannot have our daughter here when we look after our granddaughters which we do twice a week.

They've said nothing yet? Wait quietly. Least said, soonest sorted.

If they kick up, tell them that your D will be at your home, on x and x days, please arrange for their children not to be in your home on x and x. (note: not your dil who is in the post title, not solo fault, imo)

I have a friend who is in this situation. She had no idea why her son and wife have nothing to do with her daughter.
It’s been going on for nearly 20 years and very upsetting.
My friend is 80 and worries that the next time they meet will be at her funeral. She is probably right, it’s all very sad.

lyleLyle

I wasn’t inquiring after your interest, but thanks for sharing. I will however call out judgements based on fiction where I see fit. Have a nice day!

But aren't your comments also "based on fiction". No, we don't know that the daughter has behaved in an untrustworthy fashion. But neither do we know that she hasn't, or if the DIL is at fault. So without additional information why are your comments more valid than those made by Smileless?

what does DIL being at fault mean ?
it is irrelevant anyhow.
so what if she is at fault, whatever that means.
it is her and partner's decision.
unreasonable or not, in others' eyes.
if OP wants to keep in touch with/look after GC, she, OP, will have to respect their wishes.
those who object, what would you suggest.
there is no appeal board she can go to, to present why she thinks they are unreasonable, and win and have what she wants.
so why argue in these terms.
it's a waste of mental energy.
some people seem to want to feel aggrieved.

They are not present at my house, We have the children for the day so that my son and DIL can have time to themselves. They have a date day usually

They have bobbed along but yesterday they told my ex husband that they do not want them to see her and said they were going to tell me and my husband the same.

Dinahmo

Why have your two adult children fallen out?

My Daughter and DIL have the same group of friends. They have been friends since school. At a recent hen party my daughter made a comment to another friend that if my Son and DIL have more children it would be difficult for us and her father to look after all three at once. Someone overheard and went to my son but the conversation was twisted to say they were putting on us too much. My daughter told them what was said but they chose not to believe her and it just got worse from then on.

There you go - please manage the relationships with your son and dil separately

Sorry! Son and daughter

Hithere

So your son and his sister do not get along- it is up to them to address it and fix it, nothing you can do there

I would stop trying to get both siblings and their kids in the same room

As for her aunt being in the house at the same time their kids are - sensitive subject

Yes, it is your house and if she is there, the parents can tell you she cannot be there

At the same time, if the parents don't want their kids because they don't trust her - it is their prerogative to search for a different babysitting arrangement

Too much missing info here - why do they think your daughter is not trustworthy? What happened?

Small kids love people because they have a good time, give them candy, and do fun things, etc
It doesn't mean, generally speaking, those adults are safe people

I do not get involved between my son and his sister. I do not try to get them all in the same room. I am on pins if one of them is here and the other one turns up.

My daughter is not unsafe around the kids.

It was a silly fall out over a misheard conversation amongst my Daughter and DIL friendship group.

I can see that you don’t want tell your daughter she can’t come to your house. Nobody would want to be in that position.

But if their concerns are genuine and there really is a reason unknown to you why they don’t want your daughter to have involvement with their children, then really you give them no option but to keep the children away.
No caring parent would knowingly place their children in a situation that they thought was bad for them in some way.

On the other hand, if it is just part of the quarrel, they might not want to give up their childcare and they will make a different choice.

If you tell them your daughter will be coming over and the children will be with her, that’s a choice they’ll have to make.

grannynoonoo

They have bobbed along but yesterday they told my ex husband that they do not want them to see her and said they were going to tell me and my husband the same.

Until you hear such from your son and dil - ignore.

When they tell you they don't want their children near your daughter (for their own reasons and do not ask why) tell them the dates you can accept their kids/their rules. Accept what you want going forward.

Nice of you to believe you need to 'support' your daughter in her time of upset, however your son and dill may not fell at all the same.

One of our 4 daughters lost her husband some years ago (sudden illness). One of the others wasn't as helpful/kind/sad as the others to the widow and her grown children/GC. We marked it up to her own issues at the moment and never questioned her 'cold attitude' - it passed, all is well now.

Ignoring is an easy way to move forward.

fell= feel

Oh dear. Has your daughter apologised for her public opinions on their family life?

She might say it’s been twisted but it was a really unacceptable thing to do even by her own account.

lyleLyle

Your son and DIL are the parents. They made the decisions. You don’t have to like the decisions they make, but you have to respect them. Don’t make yourself the middle man in the conflict between these adults.

It’s clear you judge them, the quip about them going away from the weekend was neither helpful nor any of your business.

If you cannot abide, that is perfectly fine. Tell them. Do not lie to get your way. They are the parents and if they do not want your daughter around their children, be honest and let them make other arrangements. But stay out of it.

And stop placing all of your clear anger on your DIL. Your son and his wife made a parenting decision. Don’t create your villain out if half of the couple just because your feelings are hurt about your daughter.

I agree. I do not judge them at all since my first granddaughter was born I have looked after her most weekends so they can spend time together as I feel that is important and they enjoy it. My son works really hard so a few days away is just what he needs every so often and the bonus is I get to spend time with my grandkids.
Why would I lie to get my way? I don't understand this comment.
I have no anger towards my DIL. We spend a day together every week swimming and cooking with the grandchildren and i look forward to it.

"It was a silly fall out over a misheard conversation amongst my Daughter and DIL friendship group."

Silly is a very subjective term

What is silly for one person is very serious for another

They don't have the right to say who you can have in your home, but they do have the right as parents to shield their children from anyone they have concerns about. There is clearly a backstory as to why they do not trust your daughter around your children, as painful as that is for you. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you may just have to not have your grandchildren over as long as your daughter is staying with you.

Lathyrus

I can see that you don’t want tell your daughter she can’t come to your house. Nobody would want to be in that position.

But if their concerns are genuine and there really is a reason unknown to you why they don’t want your daughter to have involvement with their children, then really you give them no option but to keep the children away.
No caring parent would knowingly place their children in a situation that they thought was bad for them in some way.

On the other hand, if it is just part of the quarrel, they might not want to give up their childcare and they will make a different choice.

If you tell them your daughter will be coming over and the children will be with her, that’s a choice they’ll have to make.

My daughter is safe to be around the children. I would be the first to keep her away if not. They have known she has been in their company over the past few months. My daughter is teaching my Granddaughter horse riding although she does only see her for an hour here or there. The reason this weekend was that my Ex husband invited my daughter over for tea to cheer her up due to the stress she has been under. My son and DIL do not know any of what my daughter has been going through as she has asked us not to tell them.

Hithere

"It was a silly fall out over a misheard conversation amongst my Daughter and DIL friendship group."

Silly is a very subjective term

What is silly for one person is very serious for another

yes sorry i agree. It seemed silly to me as I felt a conversation was all that was needed to clear this up

Lathyrus

Oh dear. Has your daughter apologised for her public opinions on their family life?

She might say it’s been twisted but it was a really unacceptable thing to do even by her own account.

yes she did and they said they accepted her apology but since then haven't spoken to her

I didn’t mean your daughter was not safe. Not at all.

But there is a difference Betts age and undesirable and sometimes you just don’t want your children within a sphere of influence and that can often come down to the things that might be said within their hearing.

So has your daughter sincerely apologised?

difference between