Gransnet forums


My DIL will not allow my grandchildren to see my Daughter.

(89 Posts)
grannynoonoo Mon 14-Aug-23 10:45:07

About six months ago my Daughter fell out with her brother and his fiancé. My son and his wife have a 3 year old and a 2 year old. Things have bobbed along albeit uncomfortable when they meet at my house or their dads house.

My son and DIL went away over the weekend which they love to do without the children. My ex husband and his wife had the grandchildren overnight over the weekend and invited my daughter to join them. They all had a great time. My granddaughters adore their Aunty and she gives them lots of attention when they are together. They sent a picture on the family chat group and when my Son and DIL picked up the children they said that they were not impressed that my Daughter was there, and that they don't trust her and they don't like her and that she cannot be there when they look after the children.
My daughter is pregnant. Has been a victim of Domestic violence and extremely controlling and coercive behaviour and is currently scared to be in her own home so she is living between my home and her fathers home.
I feel as a single mum she will need our support.

I am dreading them telling me and my husband that we cannot have our daughter here when we look after our granddaughters which we do twice a week.

Smileless2012 Mon 14-Aug-23 19:16:43

Well over the years you obviously haven't seen all the posts I've made Grams2five because when I think that a parents decision to cease contact with a family member is right, I say so.

If there is any projection going on here it's not coming from me.

It's a parents choice who is involved in their kids lives - full stop. As I've already said, I have never said otherwise and despite you claiming to have read my posts on countless threads and despite my asking you too, you've failed to give even one example where I've done so.

A parents right to decide who can and cannot interact with their children doesn't mean that it's always the right one. It seems for some that it is but is isn't always the case for me.

MercuryQueen Tue 15-Aug-23 06:58:50


Whoever overheard the conversation and twisted what was said is the negative gossiper, not the OP's daughter.

The daughter was gossiping about the amount of childcare her mother does for her brother and hoping he doesn’t have more kids.

There’s no positive spin on that. Especially commenting on their family planning.

Smileless2012 Tue 15-Aug-23 08:34:30

Not according to the OP MercuryQueen. Her D told a friend if her brother and his wife had any more children, it would be difficult for her parents to look after all 3 at once. No mention of the amount of childcare her mum provides and no mention of her hope that they don't have anymore children.

lyleLyle Tue 15-Aug-23 13:02:50

Agreed @MercuryQueen.

No good ever comes from speaking ill of family’s personal choices, especially so recklessly that it can be overheard. Bad form smh. No one is responsible for anyone else’s words or choices. Nothing would be “overheard” if nothing was said. Not every topic needs to be discussed outside the family.

Smileless2012 Tue 15-Aug-23 14:01:57

If someone does feel the need to repeat it however, they should make sure they only pass on what was actually said which wasn't the case here or in MercuryQueen's last post.

Norah Tue 15-Aug-23 14:22:38

grannynoonoo My Daughter and DIL have the same group of friends. They have been friends since school. At a recent hen party my daughter made a comment to another friend that if my Son and DIL have more children it would be difficult for us and her father to look after all three at once. Someone overheard and went to my son but the conversation was twisted to say they were putting on us too much. My daughter told them what was said but they chose not to believe her and it just got worse from then on.

It sounds as if your daughter's unnecessary comment (how would she ascertain how many children you could childmind at once?) coupled with the misstatement is cause to the problem. Ignore it.

Until she tells others her secrets, she'll not find understanding from others, if she even wishes others to understand her dilemma (I'd wish to keep private as well). Surely your support of her, in this time is enough?

VioletSky Tue 15-Aug-23 15:55:35

What daughter said was definitely wrong

I think this might be because she wants a slice of childcare pie

But it is up to parents how many children they have and up to grandparents if/when/how many children they are happy to look after

Daughter should never have said this, rude to her brother and her parents

silverlining48 Thu 17-Aug-23 13:55:41

I see it as a relatively thoughtless remark among friends which doesn’t deserve the response from your son and dil. If she has apologised surely that should be enough.
Comments passed on are often twisted into something worse by the repeating from one to another.
I am sorry you are in this situation.

Smileless2012 Thu 17-Aug-23 19:02:35

Good post silverlining.

Aroundwego Tue 22-Aug-23 21:29:48

Are you sure you’ve got the full story of the falling out? Who told you the details your daughter or your son?

If your daughter I’d be wary of it being a very toned down version of what was actually said. Either way though it’s up to them who they have around their children.

No they cannot ban someone from your house, but they may just stop letting their children be there without them incase your daughter turns up if they don’t feel they can trust you to not keep them separated. I’d also assume this will extend to the new baby once here as why would they want the child of someone they don’t want around their child, around their child.

Ali08 Sun 27-Aug-23 04:02:03

DS & DiL are getting married next month, could this be to do with the stresses running up to the big day?
Quite simply, I'd tell them all you refuse to be in the middle of their arguments and if having your DD at her home/s means them having to pay for childminders in future then that's what they must do!!
I'm sure DiL just loves that they get childminders free, and so having to fork out a lot of money for strangers to look after her children may not seem as good - especially as they'd have to add to their stresses to find just the right one at just the right price etc!!
You could also see a solicitor about grandparents rights!

lyleLyle Mon 28-Aug-23 19:47:51

You could see a solicitor and forever ensure your son and DIL keep you away from their children for such a vicious overstep as suing for “grandparents rights”, which do not exist.

I wonder if people care that actual families are affected by posting ridiculous and divisive “advice”. hmm

DiamondLily Tue 29-Aug-23 09:27:43

This sounds like one of those situations where Daughter, Son and DIL need to sort of their differences between themselves.

Try and stay neutral - the whole thing sounds trivial, but sibling rivalry can be powerful.

If your daughter will be living with you for x days a week, then of course she's entitled to be there those days. It's her home for those days. The same applies the days she's living with her father.

If she's got horses, then, of course, she needs to look after them - animal welfare can't hinge on family squabbles.🙄

You son and DIL can, obviously, decide who they don't want seeing their children. But, they don't get to decide who is in your home.

Not their decision.

If the days clash, then they will either have to sort out things with your daughter, or starting lamming out for paid childcare.

The reality of what they can cost might bring about a change of heart.

But, other than that, stay out of it.

They are all adults.

Best wishes.💐