Family Loss of daughters partner due to break up

This has happened to us a few times sin e we have 6 sons . The one we were most attached to had been our sons gf from them being 17 to 26 ! So they had grown up together she was like another daughter . It is very difficult. I can't really offer any help just commiserations . You just have to such it up really .

Ask your daughter if she minds you contacting her ex. If she is OK with that, send the ex an open invitation to contact you for a natter and a cuppa if she is so inclined. She can respond, or not. If she doesn't want to keep contact, she could ignore and you have to accept that.

It seems to me everything depends on your daughter's feelings. She needs your support now. It's such a shame. My eldest son had a lovely girlfriend but 'dumped' her because of her neuroses. He ended up with the horrific little control freak he is now divorcing. Watching it all is one of the agonies of parenthood

Our sons have had some lovely long term girl friends and one even had a key to our house for 5 years . Some we have stayed friends with as our boys did and some we lost contact with completely sadly . A couple simply pestered me for ages to try and get my eldest son back . One dad mum whose daughter went to New Zealand said she would have loved her daughter to marry any of our sons then repeated any ( our dear youngest is gay but had girlfriends in the past) . The ironical thing is you are encouraged to accept them into the family , give them xmas and birthday gifts etc then sometimes they are just gone ! Poof! 🥲

Serendipity 22 - My MiL kept in contact with an ex of my boyfriend now husband, even invited her round when I was there ! MiL still mentioned her 40 years later ! It didn't bode well for my relationship with MiL. I felt it was rude and insensitive and not very respectful to me.

With 3 sons we've seen a couple of long term relationships come to an end and we've liked each and everyone and they were always part of the family , one sent a message saying she was sorry they had mutually decided to part company and I replied wishing her well and letting her know we would miss seeing her as we always enjoyed her company , she said the same back but life moves on with or without and eventually they meet another equally as nice . I haven't maintained contact with any ex partners although where children are involved I appreciate its slightly different.

Diplomat

Serendipity 22 - My MiL kept in contact with an ex of my boyfriend now husband, even invited her round when I was there ! MiL still mentioned her 40 years later ! It didn't bode well for my relationship with MiL. I felt it was rude and insensitive and not very respectful to me.

I would not have appreciated that one little bit , how insensitive 😒

sarahcyn

Not sure about all these people saying “do not contact the ex”. Is it really so very wrong to send the ex a friendly message saying how much you have valued her/them being a part of your family, you are sorry it’s over and respect the decision, but will always be glad to have known them and they’d always be welcome etc etc?

I wrote to the long time boyfriend that our daughter once had when they split up. He emailed back. One day about six months later he came to see us.

I don't see why you can't contact her. My ex husband was friendly with my parents an my brother and sister right up until he died. I too am friends with my daughter's ex husband, in fact he still calls me mum even though he is married with two more children. I also am friendly with ex boyfriends of my daugher too. It makes for a much more harmonious life all round.

sarahcyn

Not sure about all these people saying “do not contact the ex”. Is it really so very wrong to send the ex a friendly message saying how much you have valued her/them being a part of your family, you are sorry it’s over and respect the decision, but will always be glad to have known them and they’d always be welcome etc etc?

I agree and what Sarah put is really lovely ...

MadeInYorkshire

sarahcyn

Not sure about all these people saying “do not contact the ex”. Is it really so very wrong to send the ex a friendly message saying how much you have valued her/them being a part of your family, you are sorry it’s over and respect the decision, but will always be glad to have known them and they’d always be welcome etc etc?

I agree and what Sarah put is really lovely ...

I agree. I think as long as you don't try to fix things or meddle, it is a nice thing to do. My ex husband visited my parents every once in a while if he was passing. He genuinely liked them and was certainly not interested in anything I was doing. I did not take umbrage at all.

I’m still on friendly terms with several of my daughter’s previous boyfriends. So is my daughter….

Similar situation here. My daughter splitting with husband. We are so sad. We grew to love him as a son. We still see him as he drops grandchildren off on days we have them and comes in for a cuppa.It’s devastating to see him so down. It’s her choice to leave but (no one else involved) she does seem happier. We are supportive of her and were hoping for reconciliation, but not to be. We are carrying on as normally as possible as we love them both. Bit of tightrope walking involved. To be honest haven’t asked her opinion she knows we see him and that he visits, but that’s our business isn’t it?

We stayed in contact with my sister’s ex husband after their divorce but it was quite an amicable split in fact my sister and husband number 2 are good friends with husband number 1 and his wife so we see them all at family gatherings but I am not sure this is the norm

Completely agree with Mary2 post, we were upset when a member of our family split with their partner a few years ago but apart from wishing them the very best in the future and hoping they find happiness you have to let go, their relationship is their buisness and nothing to do with you, however much you thought of the partner, we put our feelings aside as it’s not about us.

Hi there .
My Daughter was one of the first same sex marriage to get married but split up and divorced after ten years together ..Ivdid contact her although My DIL did loose a parent …Perhaps you could mention it to your Daughter but do mention to your Daughter first to gauge if she would be ok with it ?🙂😕

Don't understand those saying don't contact her. I would say wait until the breakup is confirmed and then send a not or make a phone call to say how sorry you are about the break up and how much you will miss her presence in your life. If your daughter is amenable I would also suggest meeting up with her for a coffee sometime to catch up. Why should you lose someone you value because of a break up?

The only time I got upset with my mother keeping contact with my abusive ex was when she a/ kept telling my daughter and him that she would take her to see her Dad even though she knew why I had said she couldn't and b/ asked him to come to paint her house when she lives a couple of doors up from me. She was going to allow him to stay with her for a month whilst he did it which meant that he would have harassed me the whole time he was around.

When My ex and I separated I stayed in contact with my in-laws as they were my children's grandparents. The first couple of years I had Christmas day with my children then was invited for boxing day with my in-laws, then the following year, Mil invited me as before then I was told I was uninvited. The blame was put on my ex's new partner despite the fact that she was not going to be there, but I suspect it was my ex's decision. I still see my MiL at family occasions and have visited her alone too as she is now quite frail and elderly and had no-one else, especially after lockdown as my ex couldn't be bothered to travel and I lived nearest although 70 miles away! I think my ex has some issues with me being around , probably because his mum can't stand his new partner, though I suspect he's glad I show her some care as he lives further away. I go by my MiL's feelings as I think he's rather neglectful of her! I guess it does rather alter things when there are GC involved and we had been married 19 years.

If you are friendly with her parents you could always write to them. Just say you are sorry that the relationship had come to an end and how much you will miss their daughter, who had become part of the family. You would always be happy to hear from her in the future at some point if she wished to get in touch and you wish them all well.

Only you know how close your relationship with this partner was or became over the years. If it was strong and warm you have a chance that you could stay in touch with her. If she ever contacts you.

I myself stayed in touch with parents of a fiancé that I broke up with… somehow it turned out I liked them more than him! I was the daughter they never had. It was sweet and nurturing until they both died.

Try sending a Christmas card if you ever obtain her new address. If she responds you can take it from there. Your daughter may be upset(?) - that was her choice, this is yours. But don’t grind it in to her.

It can be that way.
USA Gundy

I was terribly upset when our DD female partner broke up with her and they were engaged and planning a family and actually lived with us for the last two years of their relationship. I missed her terribly and was very sad until I knew the reasons (she was already seeing someone else! Also emptied the joint savings account) I stopped missing her and was just relieved it was now and not when they had a mortgage and children ! As it is we still have daughter living here plus 3 mini sausages !! DD has met another lovely girl now and it’s early days but this one is a professional cook, specialising in pastry cheffing and the number of amazing cakes and desserts appearing us mind blowing and on Sunday she’s making us all home made burgers, whilst planning her next treat for us, Roast Beef !!

We were absolutely devastated when DD & her husband split up after being together 11 years & married for 7. We didn't really see it coming & it felt like a bereavement. It took me months to come to terms with it. The split was at DD's instigation - they were drifting apart after 3 unsuccessful IVF attempts. Looking back, I can see her unhappiness & now she has found her soul mate who we can see is perfect for her, we can see why her husband wasn't really The One, despite being a thoroughly nice man. He was gutted when they split & went through a very dark patch through which we supported him & we are still in touch. I'm glad he has also found happiness with a delightful girl and her young son - he makes a lovely dad.

Omg that’s a definite Nono we’re all had daughter inlaw gf etc that we got on well with but as soon has our kids have split up with them or them split with our kids we have to say that was a good chapter let’s see what the next one is like. I’d remove the photos too and Your child should always come first before someone else’s child

When my brother in law left my sister it hurt the whole family.. He did not behave at all well and it was completely out of character for someone myself, my mother and my father had grown to love. Sadly we had to realise that there was a whole side to him that we did not know and that went for my sister too. We obviously no longer had anything to do with him but it hurt us all. Some years later my sister was lucky enough to meet a wonderful man who is the real thing; my late parents loved him and I count myself fortunate to have such a fantastic brother in law.