Family Loss of daughters partner due to break up

I’m devestated by my daughters divorce from her husband …..after 15 years. But I still see my son in law …I love him dearly….he treats me better than my own children do . I wouldn’t see my two grandkids if he didn’t insist on bringing them to me when he has the children ….they share custody on a weekly basis and live just one mile from each other. The kids walk from house to house and seem to be thriving in this situation ….and I refuse to oust my ex son in law from my life . Their situation works for them but as another poster says ….we are the hidden victims. Don’t contact her unless your daughter ok’s it. My daughter is ok with me staying in touch with mine , because that’s what the kids want. So far so good.!

I can’t understand why you can’t stay in touch with DD’s ex partner. It doesn’t mean you’re taking sides but your relationship with your DD’s ex hasn’t broken down and it sounds as though you are fond of each other. Surely you can keep in touch, meet for a coffee sometimes and maintain your own relationship with her. I can’t imagine why that would upset your DD

I am with those who say that a kindly 'goodbye' note would help. You certainly don't need to enter into any reasons - simply say that you have enjoyed her being part of your family and wish her well.
In my world this is not really any business of your daughter's! You had a relationship with her partner independently, you can be sad it is coming to an end. As long as you make it clear that this is 'goodbye' then I think it will help you. And even if she is right, and has good reasons to end the relationship, she will be feeling fragile and a kind note will be helpful.
I have another story to add to the 'they appreciated it' posts. Our son and his GF got back together, about a year after their break-up. The 'sad goodbye' note that we sent, and she replied to was so helpful when we met again - recognising what was good in our relationship with her. That was 15 years ago, and they remain a solid couple.

I don't understand all the, "You must not contact her!" comments. Very puzzling. You are an adult, you are allowed to decide for yourself who who want to be in contact with. Of course, it depends on the reason for the break up, to some extent. If the partner cheated, then no, I wouldn't stay in contact. But if its just a natural ending of the relationship, albeit, one that your DD isn't haapy about, then I can't see a problem. I'm still friends with one of my DD's ex-g/f's. We always got along well, and had similar interests. No, my daughter doesn't like it but I decide who I'm friends with. We don't chat often, and I never discuss my DD with her. She's in a new relationship now and seems very happy. I was also friends with an ex-g/f of my DS. He was fine with that, had no problem at all. They did reignite their relationship after a few years, and I was very happy for them. However, she ended up cheating on him and the broke up again. At that point my DS did ask that I not talk to her anymore, but to be honest I had no intention of doing so again anyway, after what she had done. So yes, it totally depends on the reasons behind the break up. Looking at it from the other side, I would never order my kids not to speak to one of my exes (ironically, my DD is still very friendly with one of my exes, despite not wanting me to have the same freedom). At the end of the day, what right do I have to dictate who they can and cannot talk to? And that should work both ways....

I agree with OddOne. It depends on the circumstances and you should obviously discuss what you do and how you feel with your DD.

If my DMiL hadn’t interfered many, many years ago, DH and I would have broken up. But she did a bit of counselling and all was well. For which I was eternally grateful. What does your DD want you to do?

When my ex and I broke up, after many years together, my parents, family members and our friends all kept in touch with him.

Didn't bother me in the least - they'd all known each other a very long time.🙂

When my first husband left me I received a lovely letter from his aunt, who we often stayed with. It was a very difficult time for me and it really helped to know that someone was thinking of me. Although I have never had contact with him or his family since I have never forgotten that small act if kindness.