narcissistic man

I don't necessarily believe there is anything untoward going on between him and the exes.

If he has been single, there us no reason why he shouldnt stay in close contact with his ex (es)

Hi, thanks for all of your messages.
He's still sending messages to me and from this morning I've stopped reading them.
The last one I had last night was about us meeting up today for lunch.
I know I ought to block him but I'm worried that if I do that he won't be able to vent his feelings and will start stalking me.
I've still got the memory of when that happened to me about five years ago, when I did go to the police, but honestly they weren't really that helpful.

It wasn't him who stalked you before was it?

I'm not being facetious, but it sounds as if that had a huge impact on you, and I wonder if you have considered having counselling for it?

From you latest post: The last [message] I had last night was about us meeting up today for lunch.

Of course he does! Wednesday is one of his regular days to have sex with you.

From your second post: Looking back on the time I was with him we had a great time each time we met up.

And yet, in your opening post, you make several complaints about his behaviour.

The FOUR warning signs of stalking

If the behaviour you're experiencing is:

Fixated

Obsessive

Unwanted

Repeated

You can report the crime or you can contact the National Stalking Helpline for more advice.

There is nothing you have said so far that suggests he is stalking you, in fact, the opposite, as you only see him twice a week and he can go days without responding to your messages.

You need to stop making excuses for him and be honest with yourself about whether you want and enjoy his attention.

You are either happy to settle for what this is - living apart, sex twice a week and little else or you cut him out of your life: block his number, have a security guard walk you to your car when you leave work and don’t answer your door to him. If you think he could be dangerous, carry a rape alarm.

..

I wonder who he’s having sex with on Tuesdays, Fridays and Saturdays?

You’re worth more than this. You know this. Stay well clear now.

..

He must be a sex maniac if he is sleeping with every woman within his circle of friends!

I think he had just engineered life to suit his needs, and is reluctant to lose any one part of it.

Agree with Tin Soldier. Doesn't sound like stalking. I think he's just trying it on. It's called "hoovering"......trying to suck you back into his orbit. Ignore. Block his number. He will get the message.

Don't get sucked into the drama. Just quietly get on with your life.

You are not in a relationship with this man. You are just someone he has sex with. If that is enough for you then fair enough. However, it's not exactly flattering is it.

You should value yourself more highly and hold out for a man who treats you with respect. He is nothing but a cheapskate loser.

faringdon59

Hi, thanks for all of your messages.
He's still sending messages to me and from this morning I've stopped reading them.
The last one I had last night was about us meeting up today for lunch.
I know I ought to block him but I'm worried that if I do that he won't be able to vent his feelings and will start stalking me.
I've still got the memory of when that happened to me about five years ago, when I did go to the police, but honestly they weren't really that helpful.

But constantly messaging you IS stalking.

Be strong, separate yourself completely and forget him, he is not worthy of your time.

It's only been a week or two.
I wouldn't count that as stalking.

Plus, he can perhaps sense that there is,still a chance, as the op has said she is considering going back to him.

Miss Adventure you are right.

Narcs are predators who prey on the vulnerable. If they sense any kind of weakness or indecision they will go in for the kill.

Farringdon.....if you want to get rid of him then you have to draw strong boundaries. Block his number. Don't worry about upsetting him, narcs have no finer feelings. All they care about is themselves. He will no doubt rant and rage, but just call his bluff. Don't engage. If you are afraid contact the police and get a restraining order.

faringdon59

Thanks for all of these comments.
I'm feeling awful today and have been thinking about going back to him.
He is messaging two or three times a day and I'm scared to block him in case it sends him over the edge completely.
The last message said he's sorry for contacting me but he's got no one else to talk to. So it sounds like still being able to contact me is like a therapy for him.
I'm in work this evening until 8 and as he knows I work every Tuesday evening I'm concerned that he may be out in our hospital car park when I leave.
Looking back on the time I was with him we had a great time each time we met up and I keep thinking I should give him a second chance. Maybe he kept talking about his ex's because he's very insecure.
Someone has put on here about me taking a toy boy for occasional pleasure, well that's how this all started, with us meeting for physical relationship and then it moved on to meeting up on Wednesdays for walking in the day.
There's no way I can go back to online dating again, just can't make that effort again.
So maybe I ought to go back to the devil I know and set strong boundaries.

Don't just don't.

Today this man has come to my house. Didn't ring the bell, but knocked really heavily on the door.
I've been getting so many texts from him and this morning I had one which asked me to meet up for coffee.
I felt totally blindsided when he came round this morning, so I asked him in.
He suggested that we just meet up every Wednesday for a walk or maybe I could go over to him on Easter Monday for a meal.
He arrived in his sunglasses and kept them on the whole of the time he was here.
I feel so mixed up, what should I do?

Wow this is a massive red flag. Don’t agree to see him and next time don’t let him in.

Although I can understand how you felt pressured to let him in. What he’s doing is not ok. Stay away.

He will try to persuade you that he is right and you are wrong.

You’re not wrong. Remember that.

What should you do.???

What you were advised to do days ago.

CUT ALL CONTACT

1. Send him a cease pand desist text. Tell him the liaison is over. Warn him that if he continues to pester you you will contact the police.

2. Block him from your your phone.

3. Don't answer the door.

If he knocks on your door again, follow through and ring the police immediately.

You are enabling his behaviour and you are also leading him up the garden path. Allowing him to text you and inviting him into your home is sheer madness.

At the very least you are sending out mixed messages, giving him hope that he's still in with a chance. At worst you could be putting yourself in harms way if he turns nasty.

D

Time to move on Faringdon my friend

DerbyshireLass

What should you do.???

What you were advised to do days ago.

CUT ALL CONTACT

1. Send him a cease pand desist text. Tell him the liaison is over. Warn him that if he continues to pester you you will contact the police.

2. Block him from your your phone.

3. Don't answer the door.

If he knocks on your door again, follow through and ring the police immediately.

You are enabling his behaviour and you are also leading him up the garden path. Allowing him to text you and inviting him into your home is sheer madness.

At the very least you are sending out mixed messages, giving him hope that he's still in with a chance. At worst you could be putting yourself in harms way if he turns nasty.

D

Yes! Do exactly this!

For goodness sake you have been told what to do, send him a final text saying you want no more contact and if he does you will contact the police. He won’t like it but you must stick to it.
Even by hammering on the door he is trying to intimidate you but you need to be strong.
And it really doesn’t matter what you label him as, what he chooses to do is his decision not yours re his mental health.
As for going back online dating why is it so important you have a man at any cost?

I know someone who went through this when she got entangled with someone she met through online dating.

When he hammered on her door she rang the police. They came immediately and arrested him.

Turns out he was well known to them. He had form and had already served nine months jail time for a previous similar offence. He had moved areas of course but they had his exploits on record.

OP. Do not mess about. This man has kept you at arms length, seeing you just twice a week for sex and keeping all manner of secrets from you, not allowing you to share his life. You know so little about him and yet you invited him into your home and your bed. That's a very dangerous game to play.

You have accepted crumbs from him and been pathetically grateful for his attentions. Now he has his hooks into you he thinks all he has to do is crook his little finger and you will go running to him like a whipped dog. If you do allow him back you can expect his appalling behaviour to escalate. He will continue to use you and humiliate you.

Sorry to be so blunt but you need to grow a backbone and send him packing. No woman should allow themselves to be used and humiliated like this. He is not worth the time of day.

well, oh, gosh, I do hope you listen to the others here,
my first thought was, thank goodness I don`t feel the need to have another man in my life, (dh died)

then I saw Barbadosbelle post and I admit I had to laugh,

sorry, it is not a laughing matter.. I do feel for you.

What are you mixed up about? Read your own opening post and see how much you complain about this man’s behaviour. He may or may not be a narcissist but you have said yourself that he is a misogynist. If you understand what misogyny is then why would you want to be with a man who dislikes and shows contempt and ingrained prejudice against women?

Let me ask you this. In the seventeen months you have been seeing this man, have you met his adult children? Have you met his parents if they are alive? Have you met his siblings if they are alive or any family member? Have you met any of his work colleagues or former colleagues or friends? Do you socialise with him with any of these people? Have you met his ex wife because, if you are going to be a serious part of his life, you will have to interact with his family and friends. If say, one of his adult children was to marry or have a baby baptised, would you expect to go to the ceremony as his partner? Similarly, have you introduced him to your family, friends and colleagues and socialised with them as a couple? Do you know where he is and who he is with on all the days you don’t see him?

If the answer to all of these is No then the two of you are no more than sex partners aka friends with benefits. If that is enough for you for however long this lasts, then go on seeing him but if not, you have to shut this down. It doesn’t matter how he reacts. You are not responsible for a grown man’s behaviour. If he gets angry because he has lost control of you, then that’s his problem. Block all contact and take the steps already described to protect your physical and mental safety.

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good move GSM

GSM i second that...and if OP has a daughter - what would her advice to her be about this type of man and his behaviour..I'm sure I would say to her RUN...but maybe this is a fake story..and if it isn't ...grow up OP!