Married but living in 2 places?

I can totally understand where you are coming from. My partner, same sex wife, lived and worked abroad all the time that we were married. I retired first and stayed in our original home. When my wife retired she got wanderlust and wanted to follow her dreams of living the Spanish life and bought a place on a small Canary Island. The initial idea was that we spent half the year in the UK and the winter in the sun. It didn’t work. Having a half life neither here nor there, no real feeling of belonging or community or continuity and commitment with my family.
The divorce is in progress.

I would say that it sounds like a plan that could work but I would suggest you visit the intended new area as holidaymakers first, particularly in the Winter season.

I'm in a second time around relationship (married for nearly nine years) but my husband, whom I met through Friends Reunited, lives in France whilst I live by the sea in the SW. We have time together in each country and time apart. Like you, I have friends and interests locally to my home. My family lives over 200 miles away and one daughter is in Australia!

We try to support each other when one or other needs major medical treatment. The pandemic was challenging as we didn’t see each other for 11 months, due to travel restrictions, etc. In general, this arrangement suits us both.

My friends sold their big family home and bought two small ones instead, one in a village on a Greek island and one in a village near the original home. It was a great solution for many years for them. They were fully integrated into both communities and went to and fro regularly - as a couple, and not just every six months.

I think this is key. If things are going to work you have to both want it and both see the positives, and both go to-and-fro.
All their children and grandchildren were in the UK. They had no intention of living apart from each other and would never have chosen to do that. My friend sold the Greek property a little while after the death of her husband.

When you say of the home near the sea which he will mostly live in but I can come any time it rings alarm bells for me. I would not want to live away from my husband and be, basically, "allowed to visit". The fact that you are considering it and I never would means that I'm not really qualified to offer an opinion - though as you see, i am discussing it here - so maybe my feelingsare irrelevant. My family and friends would not pull me away from my husband like that when we could be together. I would want to agree to travel largely as a couple to and fro between the two properties, as our friends did.

I expect it has most chance of working if you have always lived with one of you away a lot. Of course that's no guarantee that it will work either if you feel, like MissChateline that you are living a half-life where ever you are.

I personally would not consider living away from my husband. Home is where we are, one home or two homes, this country or elsewhere.

Ashcombe - I wonder if your situation works because it is a "later" relationship and has developed naturally given that you both had separate lives for many years before - and presumably, separate families and friends?

Yes, NotSpaghetti. That is the main reason it works for us both. We have great times together but enjoy the times apart for different reasons.

I think his suggestion is an excellent compromise. All these years he has done what you wanted, now it's his turn.

It's usually we females , who have lots of friends and enjoy socialising and most males seem to enjoy their own company .
Of course , there are exceptions .
I don't know if it would work , but in theory it sounds a good compromise - providing that you make time for each other .

Gosh, this is a difficult one.
If it was me and I can only speak from my perspective I would be wary.
My DH is not a social animal, I am and have compromised my social life and our housing all our married life. Don’t misunderstand, I have been happy and have lived wherever he needed to for work. Often in slightly remote places, twice in villages.
We are in a village now and I am involved with community events (he isn’t) and am pretty content.
My point being that I have been trying to get him to move to the city but he just won’t consider moving at all. He likes it here behind our high hedge.
If we had a flat in the city and one out here I think we would gradually drift apart so I am staying put.
We all have different dynamics in our relationships and only you know yours. What a dilemma.

Years ago friends of ours sold their large house and bought a small bungalow where they lived and a chalet on a small site by the sea. They travelled back and forth for many years until DF died. It always seemed to work well but they didn’t really mix with locals at the chalet site.

MissChateline my friends do the same as you do and they have a lovely place in Spain however they both travel back and forth from their home in Scotland where they enjoy both worlds Spanish tapas on the one hand and mince and potatoes on the other see what I made a couple of days ago

Go for it, otherwise you'll never know.

I agree with you ^*NotSpaghetti*.It would not work for me either.

We may niggle and and annoy each other, but my husband is my best friend. I would miss him dreadfully.
My feeling is that it all depends on your relationship and how close you are.

What happens if in the future one of you becomes ill and needs constant care? (in sickness and in health),

I suppose it basically comes down to what you want the most, his company or your life as it is
Yes it could work if it’s what you both want but in truth it sounds like a gentle parting to me

For several years my OH was based overseas - three years in Cairo and two years in Albania. I stayed in UK and carried on with my job, which I loved. We saw each other regularly. I travelled out in my long vacations and he came to England frequently. It worked for us because ever since we first met he had worked overseas, usually three or four weeks at a time. I am very involved in village life but he isn’t. It has affected the children. Elder son has said he would never work away from his family and in fact has turned work down. It worked for OH and I but obviously others would find it difficult.

I definitely wouldn’t want to live in 2 places away from my husband, living somewhere more attractive wouldn’t be a problem for me because I make friends easily, it wouldn’t bother him.
We are happy 1 mile outside town plenty of amenities and friends closeby, however if I did live in an unattractive city I would have a holiday home to get away, maybe a static caravan somewhere nice.

he suggests we sell our large family home and I buy a flat/ small house near where we are and we buy another property by the coast which he will mostly live in but I can come any time. It does sound like we both get what we want and he really wants to move but I have a happy life here

Sorry, but I think you should be going with him.
You are putting other people before your marriage.
And he has already, for many years, done the opposite for you.

My question would be - who would own each property? Would they both be in joint names?

I couldn't live apart from DH.

We couldn’t live apart. Especially now.

Your husband has compromised all of his married life, living in a place he actively dislikes for your benefit. Now it is your turn, but I think you value your happy life above his, which does not bode well for the future of your marriage.

It seems to me that this plan is a good solution, indeed the only solution to your current problem.

If you both stay where you are, you are happy but your husband isn’t, but if you both move to the coast, the situation is reversed.

A compromise might be to buy somewhere half way between the two areas, but then neither of you really gets what you want!

You may well find that once the two properties are up and running, that your husband finds that misses the family more than he thought he would and you love your time in his flat on the coast, so you end up spending a lot of time together.

I could see it working well if you think of the coastal cottage as your home.. people quite often have a small flat in the city for work. So maybe you could use that for your social events but spend the majority of your time at the coast with your husband. If that idea doesn't appeal you may very well be looking at a more permanent separation.

Thank you for all your thoughtful replies. I always knew he wanted to move and I can see his reasoning but stalled it so now he is forcing the issue and will choose a flat/ house where he wants really without my input as I’ve had my way for so long. My connection to friends and family is stronger because he can be moaning and judgemental and spends a lot of time alone in the house and I get respite mixing with others. I also have a part time job I enjoy. I was probably just hoping holidays away, which we enjoy would be enough for him. The poster who called it a gentle parting could be right. He wants the house on the market.

It sounds like you have been given an ultimatum which rarely works. Maybe a list of pro’s and con’s for yourself may clarify your true feelings.

I think it's a good solution if you can afford to do so but don't think your H should purchase anything without your input as presumably you'll be living there some of the time.