Relationship with daughter in law

Some comments ring very true for me. My husband is the main point of contact with my mother-in-law.
He always was - even when the children were tiny.

I never expected to have casual chats with her on a regular basis - though obviously would if visiting and if my husband was on the phone I'd probably pop on to say "hello".

Now, if my husband is tired I might call her instead of him to give him a break but most "family chat" goes via him unless in person.

I have a loving relationship with her - and do join my husband for at least one visit a week.

I have SIL who’s just the same although she used to call me on some stupid pretext then spend the rest of timing talking about herself. The only time she ever called to ask about me was shortly after I had a miscarriage and even then it was to question me why I had told her I was pregnant. Thankfully DH no longer on speaking terms with BIL so not communicating necessary.

I'd think you'd want calls from your son, the person actually related to you and your husband. Surely your son can ask after his dad as necessary?

Sanje seems to have gone

Do you speak to your son regularly too?maybe he passes on all your news and DIL just sees this as you wanting to be updated

Or maybe she doesn't want to ask you questions in front of the children that may lead to you sharing news they do not need to know or won't understand

Or maybe she is just not the type to ask personal questions... Some people aren't

Or maybe she just isn't interested and is only performing a duty...

There just isn't any way of knowing honestly unless you talk to her about it... I would just suggest sharing any positives with her anyway and seeing where that takes you

Please don’t take any of the following the wrong way ….. but Maybe try and just voluntarily chat about yourself ? With my mum and my friends it’s a to and a fro thing and the chat just glides into different topics easily - I like a good natter. My mother in law often sits and waits to be asked stuff- and won’t volunteer unless asked possibly thinking it’s not the ‘right’ thing to do. it’s soooooo painful and when the kids were little and they were demanding and she was socially awkward sitting there politely waiting, I hadn’t the energy to keep it going - it used to drive me insane and I’d end up making the tea and stuff to leave my DH to deal with keeping the chat ‘flowing’ - he finds it too. Might sound mean but I have known her 30years and she isn’t a whole lot better now. Not saying you are like that OP but maybe try the ‘fill the void’ chat approach and see what happens. Also, I know it’s harsh but I have friends I don’t talk to often and if I had to, might find it too much let alone a relative I didn’t choose 😊

And ps, maybe speak to your son more often…. Is her Mum still around ?

I’m experiencing the very same situation with my dil I recently had a hysterectomy and she never asked me how I was. A month after my op she asked if I could take care of two young grandchildren while she was away when I said it would be too much for me as still recovering and couldn’t lift the baby she was quite put out. My sons says very little too . It hurts me to feel my health and well being is not considered by either of them.

Generally, I feel there is always certain mistrust between ms-i.l. and ds.i.l. Due to my sons’ busy lives, most of my communications are with their wives -news about the GC , visiting plans etc I am certainly not best friends with them. We’ve been through ups and downs. It is what it is. As long I get to see the little ones, I’m happy.
This is probably the norm in most families.

crazyH I don't feel quite like this.

If they love my son why would I mistrust them?

Sounds like you may be in a pattern of talking only about the grand children. It's very easy for a mum to do this. Gently suggesting she offers details about her life but you do not. Perhaps she feels worried about asking. Share more about yourself with her instead of waiting for her to ask. The conversation may lead onto other topics.

NotSpaghetti - ‘mistrust’ is probably the wrong word. Treading on eggshells would be more appropriate.

Some people have no manners or have not been taught how to make conversation... its a dying art. You need to jump in quickly and say " Oh I havent told you how ---- got on at the hospital , and then start talking about the weather , then ask her about her life... take a positive role dont just sit there letting her use up all the oxygen ? ...

I need some advice. I have been estranged from my son, daughter in law and grandchildren for many years due to my addiction and mental health issues. I have been clean and sober for over 2 years and have started talking with my son and his family about 8 months ago. I live over one thousand miles away from them. I am going for a visit in a few months and am so nervous. I have never met my daughter in law, but she seems like a very lovely person. We have face timed a couple of times, and text every now and then, and it just thrills me. My problem is I am so scared something will go wrong. I am also wondering how I will feel around the other grandparents, my sons friends, etc. I am sure they know why their other grandmother has never been around. I carried such deep guilt and felt so shameful for years. I hope I can get through thhis.

Mollyberta it would be best to start a new thread, as people may not see it here.
Go to the top, click on 'forums' (top left); scroll down to 'relationships', click on that, then click 'start a new thread'.

Focus on the positives Mollyberta you have done really well to be clean and sober for two years, that's an achievement. You can hold your head high.
Try and relax around your family and just enjoy the time with them, don't look for problems. Good luck.

choudancer is right- start another thread but I have to say your priority in this case should be on your relationship with your son.

I don't know how I knew that my Grandmother did not approve of my Mother. My parents married when they were around 20 /21 and had 4 children before they reached 30. My GM certainly didn't approve of that.

However, neither parents or GPs made us aware and I got on very with my GM. She introduced me to so many things that I still enjoy - visiting museums and stately homes, the ballet and cooking. We used to make Victoria sponges weighing the dry ingredients on one side of the scales with two eggs on the other. She also taught me how to make choux pastry.

You could just say on the next call, what you have been doing or been even if it is just a check up at the hospital for your hubby. Do what she does and talk about yourselves . I do find it strange as the first thing out of my mouth on speaking to someone is " how are you? but perhaps she just needs to be reminded on how to hold a two way conversation.

I think that as we get older we may fall into the trap of downplaying our lives and needs and putting our grown children and GCs centre stage. As a friend commented to me the other day ‘ when they don’t contact us or ask about us we say it is because our grown family have busy lives, but if we don’t contact them or show an interest in their lives we are awful parents.’
And the more we bow to their needs and wishes above our own the more this becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.
Our lives matter. And it doesn’t matter how busy or exhausted a new parent is with a baby it takes a few seconds during a chat to ask about a parents health after major surgery.

Mollyberta

I need some advice. I have been estranged from my son, daughter in law and grandchildren for many years due to my addiction and mental health issues. I have been clean and sober for over 2 years and have started talking with my son and his family about 8 months ago. I live over one thousand miles away from them. I am going for a visit in a few months and am so nervous. I have never met my daughter in law, but she seems like a very lovely person. We have face timed a couple of times, and text every now and then, and it just thrills me. My problem is I am so scared something will go wrong. I am also wondering how I will feel around the other grandparents, my sons friends, etc. I am sure they know why their other grandmother has never been around. I carried such deep guilt and felt so shameful for years. I hope I can get through thhis.

I wish I had responded to your post as well as advising you to start a new thread Mollyberta; I can see how it might have been quite a scary step to share your feelings with Gransnet!

I can relate to you in that I had drink problems in the past, and also depression; I also was so worried about others in my family and extended family knowing about it, and felt deep shame and guilt for that and other difficulties I had. I was never estranged from them though and that must have been incredibly painful for you. I'm so glad you are going to be back in touch with them again.

It must be incredibly scary though; do you have anyone you can talk to about it, or even better would be a counsellor who wouldn't judge you and to whom you would be able to tell everything without fear of repercussions. I really think that would be a good idea.

I know myself how my mind can create all sorts of worries and work itself up into being convinced I am worthless and that everything will go wrong.

You have come such an incredibly long way and achieved so much being clean for two years, and now there is a strong probability that you can have your family in your life again. My advice is to go to a counsellor; are you in the UK? If so, these links might help.

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/
www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/using-our-therapist-directory/?

Wishing you so much luck and happiness!

I have a brother like your DIL, Sanje. He phones about once a month and talks about himself, his OH and his step-children/grandchildren but never asks how we are or what we've been up to. I've found that the only way to counter this is to deliberately butt in to his stream of talk and tell him our news/what we've been doing/how our children and granchildren are.

Luckily he's pretty oblivious to the fact that I've interrupted and just responds with umms and aahs. It's not the most scintillating conversation, but I'm just happy that we're in touch on a fairly regular basis.

Maybe you need to be more active in the conversation rather than just listening to a stream of information from the other end of the phone?

Theexwife

I didn’t want to I had friends and family that I would rather spend time with.

She was your family once you married her son. It wouldn’t have hurt you to make some effort.

I agree with you Allsorts.

I have done the same thing and the friendship has just faded away. Shame as we had been friends from schooldays and had many shared memories into adulthood.

Firstly Mollyberta huge congratulations for successfully dealing with the problems you had.

Your son must be very proud of you, so proud that you are going to meet your d.i.l. and GC for the first time. Of course you're anxious but your son wanting you to visit is surely a sign that he believes you'll be able to cope, so believe in yourself too.

Have a wonderful trip .