Relationship with daughter in law

I’m currently hosting my DS n Dinlaw n 2 grandchildren age 8 and 13. I’m in a similar situation. They visit if they can once a year for 10 days from the other side of the world. I love to see them but my DL never says very much. They arrived a week ago and during the last year my DH has been diagnosed with Cancer. He has to be monitored every few months. Since they visited a year ago not once has she asked how he is. I find this incredible. We go out of our way to
Make everything nice for their visit. I have tried to chat but like you it’s just the bare minimum. When they leave I just get thank you for looking after us but then I hear nothing for over a year. My DS face times and puts the grandchildren on but she never joins in. I thought it was initially a culture difference as she is Japanese but I’ve travelled many times to Japan and even hosted nice Japanese who are friendly and wish to chat. I really don’t know what to do I get the feeling she comes as it’s a duty visit. I spend a lot of my time preparing meals. They go out most days playing golf n even visiting friends. It’s all very difficult. I guess I’m lucky they do come. My eldest grandson is going to boarding school over here in September. They purchased all his uniform etc and were given name tapes. She didn’t stitch them on and as I have just recovered from an eye op I couldn’t. I got a friend to do it and it was a big job. She met my friend and was delightful. It seems to be me that she barely speaks too. Just really at a loss.

Maybe she is just not social and suffers with anxiety. Sometimes it's easier to speak about yourself because it's a comfortable topic but maybe she feels shy or nervous to ask about you day or life as she doesn't know how the conversation will go. It's a real thing. Give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe just text her instead of wanting to facetime. It can be off-putting especially looking after kids all day, trying to look presentable for a call with your MiL. That way she can think of a response. Hope this helps.

Afraid I hate the phone. Always have. I am absolutely fine with friends and rellies phoning me, and they wouldn't know I had any problem, but I simply hate calling someone myself, unless it's for a specific reason or is a faceless person in an organisation. I also hate Zoom and similar so the Covid period was a nightmare for me - and no, I did not get any better at it.

Face to face and I am absolutely fine. At least no-one has implied otherwise so far!!

However, I know this is limiting me as people get the impression that I'm not interested in speaking with them and that is definitely not the case. My preferred method of communication is email and I know lots of people who hate it. But I can reply to an email when it is convenient, sometimes very early in the day (or very late) and make sure I have a mix of things to both tell about me and ask about them.

Some friends understand all this but others don't and I am pretty sure that I have lost some contacts due to what I call "my phobia". One of my closest friends was housebound for the last five years of her life and had a huge network of people to phone that kept her sane. I'd be pretty much destroyed if that had been me. As it might be one day.

I suppose we are different, but I wish I weren't so nervous of making phone calls.

My daughterinlaw has always been tricky to deal with . From a different country . Different culture.
She is confident and had a priveleged family life, travelling etc . I texted her with photos of the recent visit of our 2 grandaughters with my son and sent a friendly message saying I would miss them when they returned abroad . She did not reply . I texted a few months later to wish them a happy holiday . No reply . Her mothrr died last year and so I do feel she is resentful that I am still here. Help.What do you think ?

Thank you for posting .

mollyberta
Just a brief message to firstly say "congratulations" for making a massive step day-by-day.

I wanted to suggest, if you are visiting for more than a day or two to find their local AA group so you have someone you can meet up with local to your son.
Presumably you can contact them ahead of time too.

Good luck!
💐

mariella22

My daughterinlaw has always been tricky to deal with . From a different country . Different culture.
She is confident and had a priveleged family life, travelling etc . I texted her with photos of the recent visit of our 2 grandaughters with my son and sent a friendly message saying I would miss them when they returned abroad . She did not reply . I texted a few months later to wish them a happy holiday . No reply . Her mothrr died last year and so I do feel she is resentful that I am still here. Help.What do you think ?

You need to start a new thread of your own. Joining an old one people will be replying to the original post not your comment. * mariella*

Madmeg I hate the phone too. One of the main reasons I don’t phone my AC is because they’re at work. and Ds.I.l. are busy with household and kid duties. So I prefer face to face chats. I talk to friends, no problem. I can talk for at least an hour.
WhatsApp is my best friend