Relationship with daughter in law

I’m experiencing the very same situation with my dil I recently had a hysterectomy and she never asked me how I was. A month after my op she asked if I could take care of two young grandchildren while she was away when I said it would be too much for me as still recovering and couldn’t lift the baby she was quite put out. My sons says very little too . It hurts me to feel my health and well being is not considered by either of them.

And ps, maybe speak to your son more often…. Is her Mum still around ?

Please don’t take any of the following the wrong way ….. but Maybe try and just voluntarily chat about yourself ? With my mum and my friends it’s a to and a fro thing and the chat just glides into different topics easily - I like a good natter. My mother in law often sits and waits to be asked stuff- and won’t volunteer unless asked possibly thinking it’s not the ‘right’ thing to do. it’s soooooo painful and when the kids were little and they were demanding and she was socially awkward sitting there politely waiting, I hadn’t the energy to keep it going - it used to drive me insane and I’d end up making the tea and stuff to leave my DH to deal with keeping the chat ‘flowing’ - he finds it too. Might sound mean but I have known her 30years and she isn’t a whole lot better now. Not saying you are like that OP but maybe try the ‘fill the void’ chat approach and see what happens. Also, I know it’s harsh but I have friends I don’t talk to often and if I had to, might find it too much let alone a relative I didn’t choose 😊

Do you speak to your son regularly too?maybe he passes on all your news and DIL just sees this as you wanting to be updated

Or maybe she doesn't want to ask you questions in front of the children that may lead to you sharing news they do not need to know or won't understand

Or maybe she is just not the type to ask personal questions... Some people aren't

Or maybe she just isn't interested and is only performing a duty...

There just isn't any way of knowing honestly unless you talk to her about it... I would just suggest sharing any positives with her anyway and seeing where that takes you

Sanje seems to have gone

I'd think you'd want calls from your son, the person actually related to you and your husband. Surely your son can ask after his dad as necessary?

I have SIL who’s just the same although she used to call me on some stupid pretext then spend the rest of timing talking about herself. The only time she ever called to ask about me was shortly after I had a miscarriage and even then it was to question me why I had told her I was pregnant. Thankfully DH no longer on speaking terms with BIL so not communicating necessary.

Some comments ring very true for me. My husband is the main point of contact with my mother-in-law.
He always was - even when the children were tiny.

I never expected to have casual chats with her on a regular basis - though obviously would if visiting and if my husband was on the phone I'd probably pop on to say "hello".

Now, if my husband is tired I might call her instead of him to give him a break but most "family chat" goes via him unless in person.

I have a loving relationship with her - and do join my husband for at least one visit a week.

Does it matter whose job it is? I can't imagine having a telephone conversation with anyone, who I knew had a loved one recovering from major surgery, and not asking after them.

Glorianny

Does she perhaps think it's your son's job to ask about his parents ?

I agree with this comment. So often DiL’s are blamed for what should be sons’ responsibility. Does he ask about your life?

Maybe she just doesn’t want to, you cannot force someone to have a relationship.

My mother n law used to try to have more of a relationship than I wanted, she was pleasant enough and I didn’t mind speaking to her for a few minutes via phone , however she would insist on visiting once a week for a couple of hours and always inviting me to meet with her for coffee or outings. I didn’t want to I had friends and family that I would rather spend time with.

I agree with Dinahmo…

I would like to know where your son is in these regular video calls ? why are you regularly ringing your daughter in law up? I ring my son up at weekends or he rings me and my daughter in law joins in, (if we occassionally have had ‘ladies talk’ we chat without him) but 99% of the time when I ring him or he rings me I talk to them both
He knows I hate video calls so we just chat the ‘old fashioned’ way

Why is there this need for constant contact with DILs?

Some people just aren't chatty and as V3ra says she probably doesn't want to be drawn into a conversation about illnesses. She probably thinks it's the baby you are keen to hear about.

You must be a good listener Sanje

But allsorts, if your friend hasn't heard from you in 3 years she may think you're dead and she's scared to ask.

I feel the same, V3ra - WhatsApp is much less intrusive - though of course you can still video call if you want to.

I certainly wouldn't have asked after my father-in-law's medical issues. Do you feel a need to talk about it, to her particularly? Where's your son in all this?

I'd rather hear about my grandchild and his lovely mum, especially as I suspect you don't see them in person very often given the distance.

I'm also not a huge fan of Facetime, I much prefer WhatsApp for chat and sharing photos and videos 😊
It's easy to share your news and what you've been up to, then people can pick up on it and pass a comment in their own time.
Maybe try setting up a family WhatsApp group with all four of you and see if that's an easier, less formal way to keep in touch?

I'd start introducing other topics Sanje, a new series on TV, what's looking good in the garden , a new recipe you've tried just sprinkled through the conversation so it flows a little better. She may think you you just want family updates and is shy veering away from those

she's a wonderful mum to our grandson and makes our son very happy and that's the most important thing Sanje.

If you're the one initiating contact, may be do so a little less often and keep the conversations shorter.

She probably doesn't have the energy to ask about you. You are lucky she keeps contact and is pleasant.

Don't make a problem or an issue out of it. It's just the way she is. She's a busy wife and mum and your her MIL. Be happy that she chats and keeps you posted about their lives.

FaceTime is not to everyone's liking - even phone calls are difficult for some people.

Is she like this in person?

Agree, Allsorts. I had a similar friend who never enquired about anything when we were together. Like you, I decided to wait for her to contact me. I think it's been 3 years now. The so-called friendship was totally one-sided and, if I'm honest, it hurts.

I find when there are conversations very one sided are they bothered. I don’t advise trying this out at all, but I once, for once decided to let my oldest friend to contact me, still waiting. Have to conclude it was me invested in the friendship and not her.

Presumably she has her own family, so her interest in her husband's relatives might be a bit thin. She might feel obliged to accept your calls but is not particularly interested in you personally.