Wealthy husband won't spend any money

Gosh I would never post on here with a problem! So many judgemental replies! Every marriage is different. In the 'old days' the wife stayed at home and managed the house, the man went out to work, but as I see it that was a partnership. Which means resources are shared. If a wife is a homemaker why should she have no financial rights? Homemaking is an essential, but little respected role, and if that was the OP's role, agreed between the two of them, then of course she has 'rights' when it comes to money and most reasonable husbands would agree - what say you, David49? I'm not sure what the answer is but if I were in the OP's position I think I might become less nice to live with!

Germanshepherdsmum
It seems you have no money but want to spend his. How about being grateful that he is keeping you and has been for years, rather than expecting him to take you on expensive holidays. It’s his money, probably accumulated through hard work and being careful, it’s not yours.

Not all marriages are the same as yours GSM. My pension is considerable more than my husbands but we share our money equally. When our 4 children were young we made the decision that I would push ahead in my chosen career while he had lower paying jobs in order to work near home, be on call for childcare etc. Consequently I earned more but he contributed to enabling me to do this, and be home for our kids when I needed to travel for work.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

However, we rarely run out of things to talk about. He has his interests and I have mine too.

If you have children? it could be that he's trying to save his money for them to pass on. My husband is a bit like this. Semi retired, no mortgage with enough savings. It used to be that we have a joint account and he would scrutinize every small expense I make till, he cut me off. It was the Best Thing!

Debbi58

I didn't feel I needed to give my life story, it's not my fault some of you jumped to the conclusion, I only married for money . I was simply asking for advice. It is joint money and I have access to some of it, the large bulk is invested. We also have other joint money in shares etc. Our house is also worth a considerable sum . That said , I still want us to enjoy the money together . Of course we talked about our retirement plans , but 2 years on and we haven't done any of that . My health is not good and he's a long term smoker with a constant cough. I just want to enjoy our life and money before it's too late . I guess my only options are to live with it or divorce him.

Debbi58 clarified, they have joint money, she also clarified that she has savings. Choices-- spend together whilst complaining to H to spend or spend on your own hols with sisters. Easy really. No divorce is needed.

I looked for a job and I was so motivated that I was able to build my own savings and buy all luxuries that I ever wanted since he pays for all our bills.
I will be 68 in August, he's 66. I still enjoy working though I have already enough for myself. I think...

Undines thank you for your comment. From some of the comments it seems I have no value.

It sounds to me as if there is a control issue going on here. He lifts your spirits by sorting a holiday out with you then crashes you down by changing his mind. The same goes for dining out. You get invitations but he says it's too expensive. Eventually people will stop inviting you out.

Break the pattern now before it's too late. Have you enough of your own money to go on a mid-week or weekend break? I'm thinking of something like a spa or a hotel where you can chill, eat chocolate, drink whatever you like to imbibe, read, listen to music, chat to strangers, people watch and generally chill out. Warners is good for that if you can afford it. Some have spas attached so you can treat yourself even more if you want to. Massage, hot stones, manicure, pedicure etc.

The same goes for evenings out with friends. If he won't go then go without him.

Don't let him crush you and make you lose all your friends.

I've been there and it's no fun.

I'm sorry if I'm misjudging your husband. Only you will know that.

Thank you for all your comments, I had a lovely time in Bath City with my sister's. It made me feel a bit sad that I can't enjoy these things with my husband. I spoke to my sister's and they agreed as a married couple our money should be joint and it is really. I think a part of me , still thinks his pension is his money , therefore he should choose how we spend it. He did ensure I will be financially secure if anything happens to him. However the main thing that I was frustrated about , is I want us to enjoy the money together . It doesn't have to be expensive holidays, or weekends away. But we currently do nothing , we used to do loads together before covid . But not so much the last few years . I know it's hard because of my health , I will talk to him tomorrow and hopefully understand why he's being so cautious

Perhaps he is cautious after Covid and lockdowns.

It has left some people with lingering anxiety about going out and mixing with crowds of people.

I had a friend who used to go to various groups with me but she won't go now although she will go out in a small group for lunch. I thought she'd lost interest but she said large groups make her nervous now.
I am reluctant to go anywhere on a plane now.

Susieq62

Germanshepherdsmum
You sound a bundle of joy to be around given the crass comments you tend to make. Some compassion now and again would be appreciated.

Compassion flew out the window - this looks like a direct personal attack. Responses should be to OP. GSM has a right to her opinion and her choice of words is permissible. If everyone had the same perspectives, wouldn't that be a bore?

Just a thought Debbi58... You say your husband got out of the habit of going out and about with you following Covid. Perhaps he needs "Permission" and encouragement to spend a bit of cash and have some enjoyable outings away from home. You could tell him a change of scenery would be beneficial to his health and doing things together makes for a happier marriage. Good luck.

Why not see a financial advisor to talk through your future needs. He may feel more comfortable if a professional tells him how much money he is likely to need into later life.

You said things were fine before Covid. Would he be concerned about catching it? One never knows what lies behind some people's behaviour.

Usually when a person retires on a final salary pension, his income drops 50%, ie., the pension is roughly half his former income.

My former line manager is quite wealthy. He told me when he retires, he has to buy a rental property to top up his occupational pension up to state pension age since his wife has no pension of her own.

I retire on occupational pension age 60 but my husband is already drawing the state pension.

Maybe that is the reason why your husband is cautious about money, since both of you are a long way from state pension age.

I was married for 52 yrs we had joint bank accounts there were never any problems with who’s was whose and what was what, we just enjoyed our life, I’m so sorry for those who’s husbands controlled the money side of things a good marriage should have equality in it.

Sorry you are so disappointed in the way your marriage has turned out, but only you can change your situation. You both seem to want to live totally different lives so, brutal though this may sound, maybe it is time you did something about it? Like GSM, I have always been financially independent through hard work and accepting that no one else is responsible for me and the way I choose to live!

Cannot believe some of the comments here. They are a married couple. Regardless, of money or, trips away with friends, the lady wishes to make memories with her husband. Sounds like the husband does and is not meeting his partners needs to a reasonable and fulfilling life. On the otherhand, the wife appears to be trudging along to please him. He seems self absorbed in his own world to me. We are not here for long and at our age life is too short to give up our dreams!

undines

Gosh I would never post on here with a problem! So many judgemental replies! Every marriage is different. In the 'old days' the wife stayed at home and managed the house, the man went out to work, but as I see it that was a partnership. Which means resources are shared. If a wife is a homemaker why should she have no financial rights? Homemaking is an essential, but little respected role, and if that was the OP's role, agreed between the two of them, then of course she has 'rights' when it comes to money and most reasonable husbands would agree - what say you, David49? I'm not sure what the answer is but if I were in the OP's position I think I might become less nice to live with!

I think I posted this (more or less) earlier in the thread, and I do agree totally, but I think it has become a debate about a husband ‘ controlling’ finances!
As far as I can see, Debbi would like to do nice things WITH her husband, but he doesn’t share her enthusiasm, because he feels her suggestions are too expensive. I said earlier that maybe he would agree to putting a sum away every month to fund outings, perhaps starting with lunch, then moving on to weekends and short breaks.
I know that the Bodach would never have minded if we didn’t ever go on holiday, though he always enjoyed it when we did. I’m sure that, had I died first, he would have preferred to keep the money in the bank. I see that Debbis husband is, like the Bodach, an only child of well-off parents, so maybe it’s something to do with how they were brought up. It took me quite a while to ‘train’ him into being more relaxed about spending!

Oh dear! It is a contentious post! And if I may say, a strange post really. The poster is complaining that her husband won’t spend his money on things she like him to spend his money on. One presumes that she hasn’t got enough of her own money to be able to do the things she wants to do and therefore relies on him financially.

I suppose there is a difference between people have been married for 50 years and have brought our children together and probably shared early hardships together as opposed to second or subsequent marriages where partners come together with wildly different financial assets.
But surely before two people in middle or old-age get together, they have discussions about how the financial arrangements will work. After all, it is important to a living together relationship. Just as they have to make wills to protect each of their families.
Relationships only work when two people meet each other’s needs. So surely one should make sure that each of you know what the others needs are and be happy about meeting them.
Perhaps people enter relationships without dealing with such basic, but essential financial communications.
Many women do enter a second relationship for financial security. So it would make sense they check out exactly what the situation is going to be before they become ensconced in the relationship.
After seeing my own mother struggle financially, while my father spent the money he had anything he wanted to, I learned that it was important for me to become financially independent as soon as I could and not rely on anyone else for financial support. That took me awhile, but I got there in the end. I have taught my granddaughters the same lessons. They are now aged 16 and 18 and have their own current and savings accounts. They now have the budget and they both have little jobs and whatever they earn, they say save some and spend some.
It’s a different world out there now. Life isn’t like it used to be in the 1950s.

Pythagorus, I don’t ‘presume’ what you do. To me, the issue is not whether or not * Debbi* must rely on her husband to pay for things that she would like to do ( she does have money of her own), but rather that she would like them to spend ‘their’ money doing things they could enjoy together, but he is not as enthusiastic. I really don’t think that the financial aspect is the main issue here, though everyone else seems to.

It's glaringly obvious it's not about the money.

She quite simply wants to go places with her husband, as they used to do.

She wants to spend time with him, which is not unreasonable when someone is your life partner.

Trouble is, people just read the first post and then jump in with their two penn’orth. Later posts by the OP show that things are not as they at first seemed and indeed it’s not all about money.

To all of you now saying “ it’s not about the money” maybe the title of the thread was what mislead the majority?