Wealthy husband won't spend any money

Sodapop, thank you for your wisdom. You have no idea HIS circumstances. And I stand by my remarks about how lucky she is to have someone support her. And you have no idea my circumstances. I'd love to have someone support me.

Same here. It doesn’t mean that the spouses don’t love and respect one another, but being financially independent is important to many of us.

BigMamma

kircubbin2000

Germanshepherdsmum

It seems you have no money but want to spend his. How about being grateful that he is keeping you and has been for years, rather than expecting him to take you on expensive holidays. It’s his money, probably accumulated through hard work and being careful, it’s not yours.

Wow!

Yes. WOW. What a terrible thing for Germanshepherdsmum to say.

It is not HIS money, when you marry everything is shared 50/50.

And when you die you can leave most of your money to whoever you want

My husband (now in his 80’s) is a bit like that, but fortunately I worked full time for over 30 years so I have Government and work pension and have a little financial independence. What he refuses to spend will eventually benefit our grown children (in their 50’s) and our five grandchildren. Through his saving habits over the years we have a roof over our heads and good food on the table! I find that quite comforting at this stage in our lives.

It IS his money and he supports her. We would be saying much different things if SHE were the breadwinner. It goes both ways. We call a man without his own money a bum. So?

...and there are so many whose vocabulary does not include "wealthy".

If you read the thread, it isn’t all his money as was originally represented. Part of it came from the sale of her house. She also receives benefits of over £400 per month.

We’ve been married for 54 years, and for us it’s just a central pot of money, never yours or mine. This has worked well for us. We’re quite a lot older than you and I’m so grateful that we travelled a lot and really enjoyed ourselves when we had a bit more energy. Tell your husband there’s no pockets in shrouds.

Early retires often lose their previous confidence because their role and purpose in life has changed. It sounds like he has always been careful with money and prefers to accumulate rather than spend and that is a difficult habit to break.

The OP needs to manage the different expectations in retirement and may be take some long haul one in a lifetime expensive holidays as part of a social group if he doesn't want to go with her. I think discussing and booking some cheaper less daunting holidays with husband might be better than not going at all . It's not that uncommon for procrastination to set in where talk happens but where nothing gets done . OP may be needs to become a decision maker. I always had to plan holidays when I was married otherwise we would have never gone anywhere.

He's not the first man that I've heard is like this after retirement. My DH was like it. Having been used to a regular salary they see any expenditure as not being replaced by income now and it creates anxiety. I think its less about the money with the OP but more wanting to share good times together.
With her husband, he sees it as money spent, money gone. Start small, a cheap restaurant, a cheap trip, mine had a WWII interest so I managed a trip to Germany and a trip to the D Day beaches! I managed the finances and no matter how I much I showed him he was OK financially, the anxiety stayed there.
My one regret is that he never got to enjoy himself more because of the anxiety. He also started seriously hoarding.

My husband was the same, plenty of money which he would spend on his business and things for me and the children but not on holidays or days out as he didn’t believe in them, his mantra was a holiday is a waste of a good working day
When the children were young I made sure they had holidays by joining my sister and her children in caravans in Wales and we had some wonderful times. My husband coped on his own and I truly believe he enjoyed it. When the children had gone I persuaded a friend to join me and we spent time in Wales Ireland and Scotland again having great holidays. As we got older and I was less active I again asked my husband why no holidays and he shocked me by saying he bitterly regretted not having holidays but he couldn’t see the point of them. He spent the last few years of his life seriously ill and ended it in a nursing home. I don’t think it was a matter of finance with him just for some reason a genuine fear of relaxing and enjoying himself. Strange but true.

I think that many people when retiring are hit by the sudden realisation that there will be no more monthly pay cheques, their pension income is much lower than the salary they earned and this is it for the rest of their lives, so they have to make it last for perhaps several decades.

Every marriage (or partnership) is different because people and circumstances are different. My husband of 54 years, despite a degree and Masters in subjects that contained Business and Finance in the titles, could fall into overdraft in a couple of months. So I always handled the money. Initially I earned a lot less than him, and only small amounts while the kids were little, but eventually our salaries became equal.

I made all the financial decisions and he agrees I did it well. We paid of the mortgage years ago, both have good pensions (though mine is much smaller) and savings. Plus a house too large for us now (but he won't consider moving).

Very fortunately neither of us is a big spender. He borders on "mercenary" even when it comes to his own clothes etc, while I am more generous with us both. However, we do discuss almost all spending that is out of the ordinary, such as holidays (unless taken in our touring caravan - on the cheap!) and major purchases. Quite simply, he trusts me to make wise decisions and spend on things we both enjoy/agree on.

All monies are pooled or invested equally.

We both inherited our parents' homes (no siblings to share with) and gave most of the monies to our adult daughters to help them on the property ladder. My suggestion but he readily agreed.

In our mid-70s we agreed we could start to spend on a few luxuries so after decades of cheap holidays we took ourselves on a Med cruise and found we loved it. So we went on two World Cruises after that and loved them even more.

We are both well pleased with our financial situation.

BUT, if it stood to him, hubby would never suggest a holiday himself, or a major household purchase, or even a treat for himself (or me!!!). I don't think he has ever got used to not being poor - as both our parents were, and as were we till our mid-50s. He has no hobbies (despite years at work telling me what he would like to do on retirement - none of it ever done) and no friends, and is perfectly happy as such. On the other hand, I throw myself into local politics, am treasurer of several local charities.

I also joined our U3A and make the most of it. It's very cheap, nobody cares what your background is, whether you are well off or not, and provides something for everyone. I can heartily recommend it to anyone, whether on their own or as a couple, as a means of getting out of the house, meeting people, doing something enjoyable. Our most popular group is Outings, with coach travel and entrance fees to historic houses, gardens, theatres etc, and even two short holidays a year. It is true that the majority of members are widows but there are a fair few couples as well. I would suggest that the OP looks into that in her locality. For some members, the short holidays are the only holidays they can afford - and they love them!

No, I've never been in the position of having to ask for or discuss money cos I am good at budgeting and hubby knows it.

BUT, having been diagnosed with oral cancer last November and awaiting the outcome of my treatment next week, I can safely say that any smoker should STOP (it was surprisingly easy once I was terrified) and get the extra money spent while you can.

I don't agree with those posters who say she should consider ending the marriage - there is no suggestion that her hubby is a bad one, just a different personality - and maybe two years of retirement hasn't been enough for him to get bored with it. I would say "Discuss" with him. Tell him you'd prefer to do things together rather than on your own, before going off and doing your own thing. Despite my busy life I don't have many friends to socialise with regularly, so my hubby's company is important to me too.

Good luck. I'm sure you'll get there.

Debbie I sympathise but be grateful for having sisters you can spend leisure time with. As long as he doesn't complain incessantly about that, you are lucky to be retired and comfortably off. Don't rely on your partner for happy times away. He isn't going to change..and it's upsetting for you to keep wanting him to change. You appear to be in a co-dependent relationship with him calling the shots. I feel for you

Hi,
Tell him “there are no pockets in a shroud”!
Is he leaving it to the tax man? What a shame for you.
I have a sister, who is now a widow. No mortgage, plenty in the bank. has one daughter & two grandsons. Just the same. If ever we go out to eat (if she isn’t with us we just divide the total by the number of people) but she has to itemise everything she has, tots it up ! And then pays just what she has! Never invites anyone either!

You may want to remind him that there are no pockets on a shroud ;)

Debbi58
I would say you are very lucky to be in a marriage whereby you don’t have to worry about anything other than your DH not wanting to “ do the things you want to do “
We have friends who spend vast amounts on holidays as they can afford it , others who have to scrimp & save .
Without going into details to much we have a decent income from private pensions / SP & an income .& no mortgage for many years . We have a had a joint account since our marriage some 15yrs ago . The majority of ££’s is not from either my income when working or my various pensions .
However it is joint & we both spend from this , We also have savings accounts which my DH obviously knows about & which I ensure we add to monthly .
We have holidays , short breaks away, attend concerts & Theatre all of which I book . Some of these things might get suggested by DH but if left to him invariably it wouldn’t happen . Recently we made a big purchase for our leisure activities but it was after having had the discussion for around 6 years , visiting the various places that sold the home on wheels etc . Finally on our way home from a few days away & yet again having had the same conversation, I said to my DH make a decision & stick with it otherwise you’ll be talking about it for the next 6 years !
The other side of this is that when we we are out my DH loves to stop for a Coffee , we could just be going out to the supermarket & on the way home he will always say “ shall we ?” While I enjoy a Coffee & am not adverse , it is too much to be stopping all the time & spending probably the best part of £10 on 2 coffees . I recently added up how much we had spent on coffees , lunches out & takeaways all of which my DH has a penchant for . I am trying to keep tabs on this as I feel it is far too frivolous even if we can afford it . So we all have our issues involving how we spend money . And don’t get me wrong my DH is the most generous person you could ever wish to meet but when he buys another vacuum cleaner or push bike , lawn mower or hedge trimmer , vinyl or yet another record player just because it makes me want to bang my head . By the same token if I get my hair done or nails done ( nails are a treat for holidays or events in my case ) he won’t bat an eye lid in fact he’s the one to say “ why don’t you “ so I have to reign him in . I want us to have more money in the bank whereas he sees it as there will be more next month 🤔
So , in conclusion I would say that if the money in the joint account has sufficient available funds then go ahead & tell him you are booking a holiday , the one you want the one you both deserve. Take the bull by the horns & be decisive.

I don't think meanness is an attractive quality in anyone. That's what it sounds like to me.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Doesn’t sound at all mean to me semperfiddlis just both want different things that’s not a crime on either part but it needs addressing and finding a compromise
Poster says she has money and friends she can do things with but only wants to do themwith her husband who just wants to relax and potter….. just a big old mismatch

There are some mean and judgemental comments on here. It seems to me that the OP just wants to have an enjoyable retirement WITH her husband, using money they can well afford. What on earth is wrong with that?? Life is for living, they should be out and about experiencing all that it has to offer whilst they still can. Plenty of time to potter around indoors when physical limitations make outings impossible. I feel very sorry that the OP's husband doesn't see it that way.

Wow! I have to say that some of these comments have made me feel a complete failure.
I worked when we were first married but stopped when I had the children.
By the time they were all at school their dad was working abroad a lot and I didn’t want them going to strangers before and after school. Had no family to help. I tried some things but I had lost all confidence and looking back I’m sure I had depression though it wasn’t diagnosed until much later.
I found some cleaning jobs and could cope with that. I only have state pension . Dh has a good pension and we have joint accounts. I’m not a big spender but if I want/need something I get it .We can have holidays but we don’t get on very well, different interests etc.so there no point. Ditto going for meals out. We d be sitting in silence.
So you could say I haven’t contributed much but I looked after the children and they were my priority. Until recently I also did all the decorating but not able now. Do most of the garden and deal I with all the bills etc.so I suppose I have been a’kept’ woman.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

There are some awful comments on here
I was married to someone similar although not wealthy
I had to ask for every penny
It was a way of controlling me
After 5 years I left with others help
We don't know all the circumstances and iy can't be a very happy marriage if her husband is making all the decisions as to what they can do even together
My grandmother paid the deposit for out first house and when that was sold HE bought a business
When we split up I didn't get a penny.as in those days if propety was only on the husband's name the wife got nothing
I wouldn't stay in a marriage like that again

I'm with SKATE'S sentiments.