Knowing who your friends are.

Struggling to come back with a witty answer to that Biglouis.
What is humanity if we can't help each other out?
Good friends are such a support when things get tough.

I wrote to an estranged so called friend recently giving her the choice to contact me. I had received a message from her asking for money and that’s why I ceased messaging her , I even removed her name from my Facebook account knowing she had been cloned but I’m sure she doesn’t understand what’s happened, still she won’t be missed it was always a one sided friendship and she was a bully. Hey ho I’ve got loads of loyal family and friends who care deeply for me and I’m very much loved, it’s really her loss if she doesn’t contact me I can’t do any more 🥹🥹🥹

I am from a large family and my friends are my siblings and my AC. My uk sister is my best friend, 100% reliable and trustworthy, we live a few hours apart but we are always there for each other, we speak just about every day.

Two sisters are in Australia, one uk sister was dying from cancer and one aus sister said she would come over and nurse here. It was not needed but that is what my family is like. My brothers would be down here like a shot if I needed them. Every time I need advice about eg tools or a maintenance job, they have the answers

Like the above, `friends` vanished` after they sent the condolence cards. My family is always there, none of us are intrusive, don`t need or want to be in each others pockets but it is the quiet visibility that is important. Two way traffic, them to me and me to them

I made friends with this rather smart lady near where I live. She was full of charm, grace, and froth. I actually believed she was the real deal until, after a few months, she started to unravel. Was always there if the occasion was worthy of her presence i.e. concerts, her regaling her amazing contacts in the higher echelons, cocktail parties, luncheons etc. But, when it came to the everyday, she always had an excuse, was tired, had a headache, was busy. I was dropped like a hot brick when she realised I could not provide her with the contacts and smart locations she sought. Shame, she was a 'nice' person but very shallow. Bitter, moi non! Just wished I had clicked sooner. I am sure she is out there now charming someone to bits with her froth. More fool them!

When my friends DH died I sent her short texts just saying I was there when she was ready and that I was thinking of her. It somehow seemed more direct than a card.

Tuaim

I made friends with this rather smart lady near where I live. She was full of charm, grace, and froth. I actually believed she was the real deal until, after a few months, she started to unravel. Was always there if the occasion was worthy of her presence i.e. concerts, her regaling her amazing contacts in the higher echelons, cocktail parties, luncheons etc. But, when it came to the everyday, she always had an excuse, was tired, had a headache, was busy. I was dropped like a hot brick when she realised I could not provide her with the contacts and smart locations she sought. Shame, she was a 'nice' person but very shallow. Bitter, moi non! Just wished I had clicked sooner. I am sure she is out there now charming someone to bits with her froth. More fool them!

Froth can be quite nice sometimes. Its when you attach to somebody and they "ghost" you, it hurts.

I had been going to pottery lessons in the town near where I live for some time and I was pleased when, at the beginning of last term another retired woman joined the class who seemed ver pleasant and friendly.

We walked out to the car park together and she suggested that we car share as we both lived west of the town. She told me that her husband needed the car next week so would I mind picking her up and of course I agreed. Her house was about a mile west of mine down an unlit, winding road. I noticed that there were two cars parked in the drive of her large detached house. When I dropped her back the cars were both still in the drive. Her parting words to me were "Next week could you pick me up five minutes earlier, I think you cut it a bit fine this week." I mulled over this but dutifully went to pick her up the following week. Again both cars were there when I picked her up and when I dropped her back. Before she got out of the car she smiled and said "Same time,
same place, next week" I told her that I couldn't pick her up as I was not going to class from my house that week (it was a lie). She looked very put out and replied "But we have an arrangement, I thought we were friends". She has not been back to classes since. I saw by chance in a carpark in town and she pointedly ignored me.

what a chancer she was Indigo

I am `friends` with a neighbour, she is often away, now widowed and she has two houses to sort but what gets me is that she will put a note on her door asking for deliveries to come to me, not asking me first. Naturally I will help but not without a bit of inner seething

Another person latched onto me at a group I attend, she was new and quickly told me that she does not have a car, I told her that I have a car and enjoy some trips out. She stayed latched until the day I told her that I am training myself to use buses rather than my car. Obviously was a potential chancer

They are everywhere, the energy-takers

Indigo8

I had been going to pottery lessons in the town near where I live for some time and I was pleased when, at the beginning of last term another retired woman joined the class who seemed ver pleasant and friendly.

We walked out to the car park together and she suggested that we car share as we both lived west of the town. She told me that her husband needed the car next week so would I mind picking her up and of course I agreed. Her house was about a mile west of mine down an unlit, winding road. I noticed that there were two cars parked in the drive of her large detached house. When I dropped her back the cars were both still in the drive. Her parting words to me were "Next week could you pick me up five minutes earlier, I think you cut it a bit fine this week." I mulled over this but dutifully went to pick her up the following week. Again both cars were there when I picked her up and when I dropped her back. Before she got out of the car she smiled and said "Same time,
same place, next week" I told her that I couldn't pick her up as I was not going to class from my house that week (it was a lie). She looked very put out and replied "But we have an arrangement, I thought we were friends". She has not been back to classes since. I saw by chance in a carpark in town and she pointedly ignored me.

Oh, wow! That is just so typical. Good on you that you took your evasive action. We give people the benefit of the doubt to start off with but see what they give back. to keep it fair.

I posted on here some months ago that I was finding it difficult to make friends since moving to a new area (it's been over over 9 years now).
I received many helpful suggestions.
I've now accepted a new different way of life. I don't have any friends here. I keep in contact with a few old friends. Last week I went to visit my daughter and while she was at work I was happy to amuse myself, even went out for lunch in a very nice French restaurant.
I would rather be alone than have fake friends.
I often wonder if people have changed since covid

I have run into and had dealings with exploitative people decades before covid was ever heard of.
It's just the law of the jungle.
They sniff out their prey.

Yes I had a friend who was good fun but didn't like ordering things on the Internet but expected me to do it for her. And because I had a husband he could do things for her.
She dropped me when I was no longer useful.

I think a bereavement really shows who your friends are, after losing my daughter, I was struck with immense grief, suicidal, lost my home, business etc I could not function, so many 'friends' avoided me. Speaking to them years after many have said they didn't know what to say to me, and I said well that is what you should've said! Also after surgery which meant I could not drive for six weeks, I saw one friend for 2 mins max at the doorstep, I lived alone, could not get out shopping (before the days of supermarket deliveries) I was basically living off things I could buy from the milkman. I have found over the years that most people only want to know you when you are able to do things for them, yet disappear if you need help yourself.

My late husband was very outgoing and being a builder was also very practical. He was always inviting people in for drinks, BBQs and parties and was always been called on to carry out repairs, which he did willingly and for free.

Once he died, I became invisible, all those people he helped ignored me, I was never invited to the parties they gave, never asked if I needed help with anything, even when I was taken off to hospital by ambulance no-one visited or called in to check on me when I returned home.

This post reminds me of the time my DH was rushed into hospital and was in Intensive Care for 2 weeks then a further 2 weeks until he was released. The number of people who knew I was at the hospital in an afternoon then going back in the evening included a couple of friends and my neighbours. That old saying came out "If there's anything we can do just ask". I hate those words because in all the time people saw me coming and going every day but not one came up to me and offered anything not even a meal.

Good friends are rare, and to be treasured. I try to be one, but I sometimes fall short. Life is so demanding

Oh Beckett that’s so sad to read. It will have cut you to the quick I expect.

The Bodach??? Who's that?

I've recently had a stroke so not as
' useful to know ' and so called friends are not to be seen .

@kittylester. There’s some really helpful advice on the Sue Ryder website
www.sueryder.org/grief-support/supporting-someone-bereaved/

I thought I had a couple of "helpful" type friends here in my own agegroup - until Lockdown came along and their attitude changed to disapproval of me for having the opposite viewpoint to them and they cut me off. I just think "More fool them - given that one of them lives just round the corner and she won't have me living nearby helping her out if need be". I think the writing was on the wall when I was abiding by her thing of me only being allowed (by her) to visit her if I accepted sitting in her garage with the door open (no matter how cold it was). Then there was the Christmas where Drakeford (Welsh Assembly) allowed a limited amount of socialising and she went to cancel the arrangement we'd made for her to come to a Christmas lunch at my house and he did a last minute cancellation thing on Christmas Day and she had to choose between a married friend and single me and I had to point out to her that Covid wasn't going to suddenly leap on her in between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day during her 100' or so walk on her own from her house to mine and she could see married friend (and her husband) on Christmas Day and come to mine on Boxing Day.

At least one blessing these days is it's possible to order all sorts of food online. So a recent couple of weeks where I didn't feel up to walking to the supermarket just meant = pick what food I could from what I grow in my garden and I ordered what "basics" I needed from Amazon. Blimmin' expensive it was too - and I was paying twice the price for my butter, having to make do only with my plant milk I have, paying over the odds for my (expensive anyway) type of bread I eat = but at least I was able to get something in okay and I've made a policy of being very well stocked-up with food anyway once I moved to an area with Welsh weather ....as I don't want to have to visit a nearby supermarket if there's monsoon rain or a gale outside.

I was also on the end of “very friendly when we entertained, able to weekend away etc”
When my H developed Alzheimer’s what a different story.
Friends dropped off, didn’t even visit him even though they played golf together for years.
You certainly do live and learn.
One who has since lost her life partner is now often in touch and I meet up with her on my terms about once a month.
She is bemoaning now that she also has been dropped.

Ilovedogs22

I have one proven true friend & sometimes I cannot stand him & him me! Despite arguing like cat & dog for 40yrs, I know that he would go to the ends of the earth for his children, myself and his old dog. In that way I am very lucky. Yet, oddly, I knew that I was going to marry him the moment I met him. Even though I didn't particularly like him at all!!!
Very strange. Is this schadenfreude,🤔

No, Schadenfreude means the delight or pleasure we feel in others pain, discomfort or misfortune - a singularly nasty vice.

I do not think English has one word for this unpleasant trait of human behaviour,

Perhaps a modest bunch of flowers, not too showy, with a card left on her doorstep. With an inscription to the effect of "I am thinking about you at this very sad time. As soon as you feel ready, I would love to either meet you somewhere for coffee or alternatively have you over for a simple lunch at my house. I am happy to pick you up and drop you home again. My telephone number is ..................... No pressure though, whenever you feel up to it. Much Love........

kittylester

I am currently wondering what to do in just this situation.

The husband of a friend has recently died after a period of ill health and I sent a card saying I was there if she needed me. She sent a message saying that she hoped to catch up qith friends 'when things settle down'. Should I contact her, when?

We had been close when our daughters were at school together but had only bumped into each other every now and again since then.

It's hard isn't it Kitty ? I have a friend who recently lost her partner an then a few months later her Mother. We live miles apart but I sent cards and letters, I haven't had any replies which is understandable but I feel like I want her to know I'm still thinking about her, but like you, I don't want to feel stalkery either . You don't want them to feel under pressure to respond either.