Knowing who your friends are.

I hope I am a good friend. I try to be but did let a friend down during covid lockdown. She had very different views from me and I withdrew as couldn’t see her viewpoint at all. She was struggling and I was struggling and I feel ashamed I stopped contact. Three years on she emailed to ask if we could meet up for a lunch and catch up she had missed me. We have met up twice now with another meet planned. It is so lovely to be back in touch and enjoying each other’s company. It is a friendship from work when I was 18 and she a few years older. We share a lot of history. I am so pleased she made another attempt to rebuild our friendship. Covid was a difficult time for many.
I am very lucky to have some special friends in my life who are like family. It takes a long time to build a close friendship with effort from both sides. I get it wrong sometimes but I hope I get it right more and will always be there for my friends if I can as they have proved they have been there for me in difficult times.

I often took a non driving friend out inmy car, maybe girlie shopping or garden centre or cinema….. fast forward to last year when I had a left side stroke and my driving is finished . She sent me a card saying she was sorry to hear about that but looking forward to our lovely days out again. How selfish and tactless is that?

My "best friend" of 50 years died last year and I was abroad for her funeral. My daughter attended in my place. We had been through thick and thin together, both with our kids, her traumatic divorce, both our illnesses and so on.

Imagine my hurt when I saw the Order of Service, which had a photo of another "friend" (whom I knew well and did not like much as she was always bragging about her money and interesting life) and was described as my pal's "best friend".

I also know that on the anniversary of my friend's death this other friend was invited out with her family to celebrate the years of knowing her - and I was totally ignored.

I was clearly important to my friend during her life. She came to the weddings of both my daughters and I to the weddings of her sons, and we all got on exceptionally well.

So what happened there? I will never know. But it will always hurt me.

I have many acquaintances but only a handful of friends, that is the difference, acquaintances pop up now and then but friends are there whenever you need them or they need you, it works both ways. My friends have been friends for over 50 years, loyal friends too. There were others I thought were friends but they fell by the wayside if the going got tough.

In times of need there are always those who utter the phrase ‘ let me know if you need anything’ it’s just that a meaningless phrase to most, they are hoping you never ask, real friends bang on your door whether you want them or not, they phone and just keep in contact. When my husband was ill then died I learnt who the good guys were, now I ensure to the best of my ability that I’m a friend indeed.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Drew Chalker wrote a poem in which he said “ People Come Into Your Life for a reason, a season or a lifetime”. 😊

Very lovely & very true. 😊

I found out who my friends were when I was divorced.
I worked and socialised with someone that I thought was a good friend whose husband was also independantly ,a friend of my husband.
When we divorced the only time I heard from her was abouy 12 months later when she rang to ask if I still had the bike that my daughter had ridden and if so, could she have it.
Needless to say the answer was NO!
However, I did have some true friens who I know to this day.

DiamondLily

When my DH died, last year, I certainly went through a learning curve as to who my real friends are.🙄

Hope that you are well & as happy as can be in the circumstances.
People can be very fickle "Nelt as srange as folk"
I send my best wishes your wa y. 😊❤👍

Well, as I said earlier I was going to do, I did message a couple of friends I hadn’t seen or heard from for a while, as I’d said friends will appear when something goes wrong, but how many will just check on you for no apparent reason. I am very glad I did, as one is doing well, but has been busy moving house, but the other has had a recurrence of the cancer she had been in remission from. I’m going to see her next week, as she says it’s her pre-chemo week when she feels quite well. I’m sure someone in her position wouldn’t like to contact people, as they may think they’ll be a nuisance.

SaxonGrace

In times of need there are always those who utter the phrase ‘ let me know if you need anything’ it’s just that a meaningless phrase to most, they are hoping you never ask, real friends bang on your door whether you want them or not, they phone and just keep in contact. When my husband was ill then died I learnt who the good guys were, now I ensure to the best of my ability that I’m a friend indeed.

I think I posted this very thing when the Bodach died, and now have never said ‘ You know where I am if you need anything’ if somebody has died.
A couple of my quite good friends said this, and I’m sure they meant well, but I would have far rather they had said, say, they were going shopping, did I want to go, or did I need anything, or handed in a casserole or a cake. I’m sure you’re right that they really do hope you don’t ask.

FishandChips15

I have written a comment on another thread too.

Since my DH went into the care home I have found out who my friends are. It was good when we, especially him, were doing favours, but now most people do not even bother to ask after him or check if I am alive.

I am both disappointed and disgusted.

Ohh I'm so sorry for you, some people are takers & others givers. You & your husband are givers.
At least you can take comfort in the knowledge that both of you did your best for others with true, kind hearts.
My best wishes to you, don't lose heart, just keep on being your lovely
self. 💞

I found out the hard way that having the use of my car certainly made a big difference to my friendship list!

Here, here GinJeannie. It is less than a month since I sold mine and there is already a distinct cooling off some "friends"
I gave lifts to. One of them actually drove past me when I was waiting at the bus stop in the rain, honked the horn and waved as she sped past.

Ilovedogs. Thank you for your kind comments.

Indigo8. Why does that not surprise me?

So what happened there? I will never know

That's the bit that rattles round your head doesn't it?

Sympathies.

biglouis

We have an old saying in Liverpool that "a friend in need is a bloody nuisance". Sad, but true.

😆👍👏

Sadly true friendship seems to be a dying art, people seem to be too self-absorbed these days to really care about anyone. When I lost my Mum a few years back, who died very suddenly and unexpectedly, my so called 'best friend' didn't even bother to attend the funeral as she was 'too busy'.
Think that told me everything about my so called 'best friend' of many decades !

biglouis 😂

I have always tried to be a good loyal friend and did my best to be there for my friends. Out of the blue one long term of 18 years decided she was fed up with me , sent a rude text for some unknown reason and walked away . I had supported her through divorce , finance worries and helped her move home . Another friend of 40 years has met a man and I've not seen her since last Christmas. It seems I've been useful when they needed me . My life is very small and quiet and I have learned not to give myself away to others . Sadly it has changed me . To those who are still in my life I would help in a heartbeat. I won't be contacting the friend with the new man anymore . My mum used to say " familiarity breeds contempt " she was right . Big lessons learned

GrannyIvy

I hope I am a good friend. I try to be but did let a friend down during covid lockdown. She had very different views from me and I withdrew as couldn’t see her viewpoint at all. She was struggling and I was struggling and I feel ashamed I stopped contact. Three years on she emailed to ask if we could meet up for a lunch and catch up she had missed me. We have met up twice now with another meet planned. It is so lovely to be back in touch and enjoying each other’s company. It is a friendship from work when I was 18 and she a few years older. We share a lot of history. I am so pleased she made another attempt to rebuild our friendship. Covid was a difficult time for many.
I am very lucky to have some special friends in my life who are like family. It takes a long time to build a close friendship with effort from both sides. I get it wrong sometimes but I hope I get it right more and will always be there for my friends if I can as they have proved they have been there for me in difficult times.

Okays - we all make mistakes but it takes maturity and compassion to put them right and not a lot of people have got that imo. So - congratulations on being humble enough to do that.

Pleased you've both been able to put "Lockdown and all that" behind you and resume the friendship. That shows intelligence and maturity on both parts.

As I stated above - I lost what I thought was a friend that lives nearby and I think our differing views on this was probably the main factor and I've tried from my side to resume it - but it's very clear she doesn't want to know from her side and I've had to just shrug my shoulders and think "c'est la vie" and move on.

So that was good you can both put this behind you - as I've tried for my part to "resume" and have just had to accept that and think "Well it guess it shows she wasnt really a friend in the event".....

kwest

Perhaps a modest bunch of flowers, not too showy, with a card left on her doorstep. With an inscription to the effect of "I am thinking about you at this very sad time. As soon as you feel ready, I would love to either meet you somewhere for coffee or alternatively have you over for a simple lunch at my house. I am happy to pick you up and drop you home again. My telephone number is ..................... No pressure though, whenever you feel up to it. Much Love........

That message puts a lot of pressure on a bereaved person.
If people feel that they need to make contact, thinking of you is sufficient.

silverlining48

When cancer struck two of my closest family I certainly learned quickly who my friends were. It was a terrible shock that some, even longstanding friends, just disappeared. Pouff!

Exactly what happened to us.My DH was recently diagnosed and treated for cancer.Some very long standing friends totally blanked us.

Sorry about that yiayia, hope your dh is recovering.

My husband and adult child were both diagnosed with cancer at the same time some years ago. I told my friend and she hasn’t been heard of since.
I couldn’t do that to an acquaintance, never mind a friend of 65 years.

I believe it is because some people must be the centre of attention.
Although they don’t want to be affected by the disease they actually crave the attention that it brings, so they prefer to cut and run.
They tell you every little detail of any colds, sore throats, headaches they get and drop huge hints it is probably very serious but when you and yours get something really nasty they don’t want to know.
I concluded this from personal experience.

silverlining48

Sorry about that yiayia, hope your dh is recovering.

My husband and adult child were both diagnosed with cancer at the same time some years ago. I told my friend and she hasn’t been heard of since.
I couldn’t do that to an acquaintance, never mind a friend of 65 years.

it's unfathomable Silverlining.. what does friendship mean to them...