Any advice on how to forgive?

I've held a lot of anger about certain things / people from the past and no matter how hard I tried - I struggled with it.
However some time ago I read the following and it was one of the few things that made sense to me, it might help you too:
"Forgiveness means accepting responsibility – not for causing the destruction, but for cleaning it up. It’s the decision that restoring your own peace is finally a bigger priority than disrupting someone else’s.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to make amends with who hurt you. It doesn’t mean befriending them, sympathizing with them or validating what they have done to you. It just means accepting that they’ve left a mark on you. And that for better or for worse, that mark is now your burden to bear. It means you’re done waiting for the person who broke you to come put you back together. It’s the decision to heal your own wounds, regardless of which marks they’re going to leave on your skin. It’s the decision to move forward with scars.Forgiveness isn’t about letting injustice reign. It’s about creating your own justice, your own karma and your own destiny. It’s about getting back onto your feet and deciding that the rest of your life isn’t going to be miserable because of what happened to you. It means walking bravely into the future, with every scar and callous you’ve incurred along the way. Forgiveness means saying that you’re not going to let what happened to you define you any longer.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are giving up all of your power. Forgiveness means you’re finally ready to take it back."

I wonder what you want to achieve by "forgiving" her. Is it a relationship with her? As a go between to smooth things with her and your son? So you get access to the children? Or is it more of a conscience thing because you feel bad harbouring uncharitable thoughts?
The first thing to recognise is that you will never be able to have an honest relationship with her or affect her behaviour in any way at all. She is just not capable of it. Dealing with a Narcissist is tricky and most people just distance themselves. I don't think you can forgive her for something she has no capacity to feel sorry for. All you can do is try to put it behind you, perhaps feel sorry for her that she will never be happy with such a personality and distance yourself. Just be politely friendly with any interaction and support your son with love.

Well I wouldn’t forgive I would let it go it’s in the past I’d move on with my life

Unless someone had been formally diagnosed as a narcissist, (and not just an arsehole) it's unfair to label them as such, I think.

Please, please, please do not send her anything in writing. By all means write things down and as Milliedog suggest burn it but do not send it. Listing your pain will only give her FUEL.

I would strongly suggest you get on the web and find sites about recovering/healing from being in a relationship with someone with NPD. Your whole family has been in a relationship with your exDiL in different ways.

Gathering knowledge is one of the best ways to strengthen yourself and those affected. Research the sites/podcasts that work for you and yours is one of the best ways to FREE you and yours from the damage.

There are some very good sites/podcasts that can really help with healing, many by people who have Recovered from such damage and are very helpful for others as they find their own way to healing and as much peace as is possible after NPD damage.

I wish you well and I hope you do start the web search and find some of the material helpful.

Maybe this idea could help: A while ago I was finding it hard to forgive someone and was niggled by remembering the Lords Prayer "As we forgive those..." etc. So I decided to research what forgiving means in the bible (I am not a churchgoer, for context). Anyway it turns out you are considered to have forgiven if you are not seeking recompense or revenge. You are not actually required to forget or stop feeling angry. So you could simply allow yourself to dislike this person and not feel guilty about it. That should go a long way to relieve the tension you're feeling about the matter.

Not everything is forgivable. Someone once said to me if you can accept that it’s happened and sometimes nothing you could have said or done would have changed that, then that is enough. Daughters ex was a narcissist and it’s bloody hard so don’t be too hard on yourself

Archbishop Desmond Tutu on forgiveness. Wise words.

To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest. It is also a process that does not exclude hatred and anger. These emotions are all part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: the depth of your love is shown by the extent of your anger.

However, when I talk of forgiveness I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person. A better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred. Remaining in that state locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent on the perpetrator. If you can find it in yourself to forgive then you are no longer chained to the perpetrator. You can move on, and you can even help the perpetrator to become a better person too.

But the process of forgiveness also requires acknowledgement on the part of the perpetrator that they have committed an offence.

I was very bitter towards my exh. I found it took too much of my energy away. Let it go is my best advice. Move on.

@LR10
By still wanting to forgive you continue to give power to the abuser over you.
You don't need to forgive to heal and you don't need to forgive to move on and get on with your life now.Put her and what she's done in the past and continue living for today and tomorrow where she has no influence or power any more.Good luck.

If it helps at all, forgiveness is not letting it bother you / or intetphere with your.life, it's letting go & moving on
I struggle too and found this helps, some things you just can't forgive in your heart of hearts.

...I wonder if she has surpressed hurts too? ( no disrespect. But can take 2) That has made her turn this way? of course she's not doing herself any favours, just a thought. She may need therapy - not keen on these labels I prefer root causes being dealt with

As my friend always says, most disagreements are from misunderstandings ....

Sorry me again
I remember when at school all those years ago, I was probably bullied but bullying wasn't high profile then, But what did you do?, I quietly or Subconsciously decided I don't like this person and avoided any interaction with them But never spoke about it or made a drama of it, It worked for me at that period of time.
It wasn't till bullying became high profile that I realised I had actually been bullied as I just ignored.
Give The thoughts and person as Little attention as you can. It's not something that you can fix or change, The word acceptance seems appropriate

I do understand the words of wisdom above, but we're all made up differently, I found it very hard to forgive betrayal because it ruined lives. I would say find what works best for you after reading all the advice, Because we all tick differently - I've started to believe in angels again, I'm just as I did when I was younger, If I couldn't deal with something emotionally, I would say I give that to God! Somehow it worked for me to treat back then, Now, I'm not so sure

I think the word "forgive" is not helpful because it tends to suggest that you accept/condone what has happened and have let the perpetrator off. Someone else (Fred Plotkin?) has also written an essay on forgiveness that the OP may wish to google.

Forgiveness is not compulsory - or, as some have posted, always possible - and no-one should feel bad or guilty if they find themselves unable to forgive.
There was a forgiveness project (and a book about forgiveness) with some interesting stories, from which I noticed that those who found it easiest to forgive was where the perpetrator had apologised or shown genuine remorse.

I was bullied for over 50 years by my late mother and I have never forgiven her and never will. But I accept that she had a personality disorder and was a very damaged individual who couldn't help herself. This does not excuse her behaviour though - it merely helps to explain it.

Accepting that this happened is still hard because of the impact her behaviour had on me and my ability to form relationships. On the evening of Hallowe'en I gave some treats to some children tricking and treating and got quite emotional when their mothers thanked me as I never received any kind words from my mother. But I am grateful that I managed to form a few happy relationships that have been fulfilling and long-lasting despite her nastiness etc.

in theory forgiveness is easy but in practice it isn't. the best way I have found is to put the feelings in "a box" and put that box in a shelf in your mind. accept that you have been hurt but there is nothing you can do anything to change it. Mental illness is usually a condition without any cure

I saw this yesterday but it's relevant at any time:

Perhaps accept and ignore is better than dwelling on the past.

Forgiving is not forgetting.

It's remembering and letting go.

NPD is a sickness that cannot be forgiven. It ruins lives and there seems to be no cure.
My ex is either a nacissist or an enabler. I feel no need to forgive him. He did what pleased him on the spur of the moment, not once but several times. I now know he has left a trail of damaged women - and children - behind him and feels no resposibility whatever. In his warped mind, he is perfect; it's always someone else's fault.
I blame myself for being sucked into his orbit but there's no reason I can see to forgive him.

An essential part of forgiveness is that the person who has wronged you and your family has regret for what they have done. In this case it seems there is none - and having endured a person with NPD in our family for some years, there will be none. They cannot be judged by any normal standards - they have no normal standards. Others are there to be used, abused, and they just don't care. We were told that this disorder is untreatable, as the individual is never wrong - they cannot accept or acknowledge that they have any condition that needs correcting by a lesser person. If this is what you have to deal with, then trying to forget is possibly the answer. Life goes forwards, not backwards, and this person is in the past; I wish you well with the healing process, both you and your family. x

I don't do forgiveness. If you've wronged me (for whatever reason), best believe I will never forget nor forgive it. What I will do is draw a line under the situation and move on. But that 'wrong' will always be there.

Me neither.
I park it up, in my head, and leave it there, but there's no going back if someone has wronged me.

Ramblingrose 22 You have grown into a wise, caring person. You have broken the circle of behaviour your mother had, well done you.