Son asking me if he should marry his partner

If she wants a family she needs to know the situation now because it’s unfair to keep her hanging on. At 37 she doesn’t have a great deal of time, unlike your son who is not time limited if he decides later he would like to be @ father.

Agree with you silverlining absolutely. My son broke up with his lovely gf in his mid - thirties, as he wasn't sure...he was very sad, but felt that if she wanted children, he couldn't keep her awaiting his decision.
She was married to someone else, and a mother within a couple of years.
Said son did find "the one" shortly after.

Oh, and if the son needs to ask....surely that's a no?

If I had any advice to give, I’d advise the girlfriend not to marry him.
He dossed around and took dope until he was thirty. He sounds selfish and immature.

If that were my son the first thing I'd do is advise him I love and respect him very much.

I am afraid he will find his woman is boring and flighty but it's his decision and the most you can do is tell him you fear she is a bit of a menace to his peace of mind.

His ideas are important to him and she seems to lack interest in ideas. Married people need to share something for when the initial passion has abated.

Boring and flighty? A rather harsh judgement on the girlfriend Caleo.

The girlfriend is described as liking travel and mountaineering. Nothing boring or flighty about that. Mountaineering requires skill, grit, and perseverance. She’s a girl of character in my opinion. Travel is interesting and mind broadening. Nothing boring or flighty about that either. She has apparently expressed a desire to marry and have a child. Nothing boring or flighty about that either. She wants to settle down at age 37, it’s hardly unusual. What’s unusual is a 43 year old man who has to ask his mother if he should marry his girlfriend. And (although unfortunately increasingly common these days) also unusual is a man dossing around and smoking pot until he is thirty. What did he live on? Did he claim benefits and live on the rest of us? Or did he sponge off mum and dad? Where did he get the money to pay for his drugs?

I agree with Gillycats .

If he needs to ask you then he hasn't grown up .
They have different interests and don't sound compatible .
If all they have is physical attraction then , it's not a strong enough base to marry and have children on .
If they row about money - it doesn't bode well for the future .
And I wonder if they've really thought about the reality of starting a family .
When the bills come in for nursery school - are you going to asked to step in ?

I'm rather indecisive and have trouble making my own decisions, so I'm glad my sons didn't ask me to help them decide whether or not to marry.
It really is up to him, isn't it.

silverlining48

If she wants a family she needs to know the situation now because it’s unfair to keep her hanging on. At 37 she doesn’t have a great deal of time, unlike your son who is not time limited if he decides later he would like to be @ father.

I agree with silverlining48 otherwise I would listen but not offer an opinion.
Your son needs to take responsibility for himself and his life now Margomar

Firstly, what a relief I’m not the only one with a son dossing around trying to be a musician! Mine is 22 and driving us all nuts, despite weekly serious chats about getting some stable employment and being a “grown up”

My advice re your son is just to let him decide on his own, buying a house together is a huge commitment and I understand why his partner would like the further commitment being married shows, however it’s their decision.

My cousin’s daughter was engaged for ten years. He then announced he didn’t want children. Within three months she had met someone else, pregnant and married. They are very happy and have three children. My daughter split up with her partner of seven years. She doesn’t want children and her partner did. My daughter is still single, three years on.

Your son has turned his life around - well done him.
If he has doubts about marrying his partner the answer must be ' no'.

I think they are probably opposites attracted and if they are happy to trust in buying a house together and he is 70/30, she is probably the same. My thoughts are that close families have kids that do share these things with parents sometimes. As was said earlier listening only required, my gut tells me it’s a yes.

I agree dogsmother, it's not unusual for AC to discuss things like this with their parents if they have a close relationship.

All you can do is listen Margomar and support him in the decision he makes.

GrannySomerset

I wouldn’t try. Listen by all means, and reflect back to him he is saying, but don’t advise. He really does have to weigh up what they both want and make his own decision.

That's exactly the right way to proceed. Try to reflect back also how he seems to feel (i.e., use empathy) without telling him how to feel.

When I read the heading of this thread, my immediate reaction was “ don’t think he’s quite managed the “growing up” thing yet!!!” Dreadful situation to put you in, I would listen and try to understand but never, ever give advice in this type of situation, and he is very, very wrong to expect it! Wonder what her reaction would be if she knew he had discussed this with you!

Perhaps you should to your son to stop wasting this poor woman’s time and make his mind up one way or another. If he has to ask his mother whether he should marry her or not it seems the answer is plain.

My advice is, Tell him to do whatever he thinks will make him happy. It has to be his decision and you shouldn’t give advice as to which way he decides, because if you do (either way) and he doesn’t end up happy, you will always feel guilty.

I was put in this position over 20 years ago and simply told my son to do what he thought would make him happy. It has worked out well.

I agree with those who think that the young lady concerned should get out of that relationship pronto! She deserves so much more than someone who is "70-30" committed.

I think it is sensible to talk to people you love and trust as you weigh up a big life decision. So I think it is helpful if you listen and ask helpful questions (no 'leading questions') but not to advise him one way or the other. He has to take this decision himself.

Never heard of a son asking his mum if he should marry. Either he's not mature enough to get married or he isn't in love with his partner. I would say this to him and tell him to make up his own mind.

Sounds a right mummy's boy.

I’m not sure this fellow HAS asked his mum for advice. She gives us what he has said as reasons why he is not convinced, but you could infer from that that maybe his mum has asked HIM why he has not married, which is different from him asking his mother to advise him whether or not he should marry.

I don't go with all these comments saying he should grow up, if he wanted to do his own thing in his 20's why shouldn't he?

I also think he has a little voice in his head expressing concern and he should listen to it, babies and children put such a strain on a relationship and if he's having 2nd thoughts now that stress with only amplify them.

If he finds her way of dealing with issues frustrating now he certainly will with a family to manage.

I was one of those who messed about in my 20's and had many friends who did likewise but almost all grew up in the end and got good jobs. He will have had had a much richer life than it sounds like she has had and maybe that's the mismatch between them?

It must be hard for him and you, you're all obviously very fond of her but is it enough for marriage and children? I'm not so sure