Married nearly 35 years Help!

If you’re dreading a future with him you need to separate. You’re young and can reinvent yourself. Doesn’t sound like love to me, just a fear of being on your own and taking responsibility. I’m 67 and my own woman - never been happier.

I agree, Steelygran

Just don't be there all the time, no need to argue, if he's demanding a clean ironed shirt, then smile and show him how the washing machine works, where the iron is - after all, he's retired now!

Then go out and do something interesting.

I cannot believe the excuses being made on here for this man. Coercive control does exist and is against the law. Sadly, I've seen too many women tolerate behaviour from men that is actually abuse, or comes very close to it. The lady says she ' dreads the future'. Not a sign of a healthy relationship. The behaviour needs to be discussed and he needs to know it's unacceptable.

OP herself admitted it was not coercive control...

I don't believe OP has stated what this dread is.
Too much apportioning of labels on insufficient evidence, simply supposition.

Homestead62

I cannot believe the excuses being made on here for this man. Coercive control does exist and is against the law. Sadly, I've seen too many women tolerate behaviour from men that is actually abuse, or comes very close to it. The lady says she ' dreads the future'. Not a sign of a healthy relationship. The behaviour needs to be discussed and he needs to know it's unacceptable.

Yes, we know it exists and we know people who are coercively controlled and from what we have been told, this is not it.

We don't really have the full picture, not even one side of it completely.

keepingquiet

OP herself admitted it was not coercive control...

Sometimes women do not realise they are in that kind of relationship but eazybee is right, too. There is too much apportioning of labels, particularly on social media, now.

I agree.

OP may have worked out what she dreads, but it's not been stated. Myself, I'd leave as I don't care to be bossed, won't be told what to wear, and don't care for her husband's allowance money mindset. OP will need to decide for herself, perhaps all these other opinions have been helpful.

Norah

I agree.

OP may have worked out what she dreads, but it's not been stated. Myself, I'd leave as I don't care to be bossed, won't be told what to wear, and don't care for her husband's allowance money mindset. OP will need to decide for herself, perhaps all these other opinions have been helpful.

Ditto. But DH learned all that fairly soon after our nuptials.

I’m a similar age and have a similar situation except for the controlling aspect that you refer to. Reading the comments, I can agree with most and I totally understand the “not wanting to divorce/husband drives you mad” dilemma. I think it is probably common at our age when children have left home and retirement kicks in. I have chosen the “rough with the smooth” path or, if your religious and had a church ceremony, “for better or worse”. But I have seen many women on here who have chosen to separate and never regretted it. It really is a tough one. Again, I agree with the suggestions of voluntary work, your own life/interests. Think about something you’ve always wanted to do but never had the time for - now’s the time! Good luck x

Coercive control takes many forms, and there are certainly aspects of it here. Examples of the language I find concerning are: 'he let me...', 'he makes me change my clothes...', and '... walking on eggshells'. I had a married life similar to the one being described, but when my (now ex) husband retired (5 years before I did - I had always worked full-time, no children), his bad behaviour (which had existed during our long marriage) became much worse. To cut a very long story short, I divorced him in 2017 - he actually left me for another woman from whom he's now divorced and from what I heard recently, is now preying on a widow. I know my ex is nothing more than a predator who uses women for his own gain, and this isn't what we're dealing with here, but I do know from experience that you have to know what you want in life. As there are no plans to divorce here, you have to make a life for yourself. Find something you're passionate about and get involved. As others have said, this might take the form of volunteering, or perhaps a new hobby. You've been the submissive one for too long and you've lost your confidence and sense of self, and need to get them back. It took me a long time and a lot of counselling to heal, but I'm now in a different part of the country from my ex, have new friends and interests... and 6 months ago met my new partner, the polar opposite of my ex husband.

Hi, sorry for not replying to these messages earlier but we went to Ascot and then had a b/day celebration and I don’t have this on my phone for obvious reasons. But please let me explain a bit more – I like @Sielha’s post which basically sums it all up and I think @eazybee makes some good points too.

As I’ve said in the OP I had a lot of time on my own and/or with the children had a lot of freedom and money, then DH retires, first things weren’t great but he helped our eldest set a business and then the Covid hit which was a nightmare and then things settled down a bit, he played a lot of golf but hurt his shoulder and plays less now. Anyway, the long and the short of it is this – DH thinks the marriage is fab, first rate, perfect – however you want to describe it and kind of thinks like this (I know this as he has said it), “look, I’ve worked long hours and I've neglected you - now the kids have almost let home let’s do stuff together, let’s have quality time together. Lets go auctioneering or the NT properties or drive out to the country and have a long walk with the dog or go away for the weekend or to our villa or whatever.” To which I might say “Oh I’d planned to go shopping today!” to which he’ll say, “ Great lets go shopping and then have a spot of lunch.” So basically, he wants us to be doing stuff together all the time and to be fair when we’re out we do have quite a nice time (on the whole) and I can’t use money as an excuse for not doing stuff as we have plenty of it so I'm stuck.

I get what others have said about having other interests and learning Greek and crotchet and whatnot and that’s fine but that’s not DH’s view of his retirement. He thinks it should be me and him out and about – and yes, it might be doing things I suggest but together - at other times he might play golf or see friends and I might do the same but in the main he thinks we should be doing stuff and its hard as I liked my own space I really did and DH is a bit... as I've said already sometimes difficult so I do feel I have to be a bit careful around him, not fully relaxed. Then, you add into the mix us babysitting the g/c's (they come to our house) at least once a week and the youngest being at home clashing with DH when he emerges from his cave like some creature from the deep and the fact DH thinks I still do too much for the children you have pretty toxic mix, though to be fair he’s not too bad on the last bit.

As others have said I’ve been a doormat and I’ve kind of just let things roll over me and done what ever is easiest to keep the peace. Of course, in 35 years of marriage we’ve had rows/cross words/arguments but a lot have been child- related (I’ll always defend the children) and I have clashed with him over some other stuff too but not a lot and that’s why I guess he doesn’t really know how I feel about things because I’ve kept things hidden for the for the sake of the children and the marriage and in all honesty I don’t really know what I do want to do if that makes more sense and as @startingover61 says that has to be the first thing. I love cooking but can do that home and not that much else really. But I know I’m to blame as I knew what he was like when we married and I liked the lifestyle so in a way I know I can’t really complain now, but I am!

Join the National Trust
Do things together which you both enjoy.

Do your own thing as well and encourage him to pursue his hobbies too. Make sure his shoulder gets medical attention.

Did you wear a lovely hat to Ascot?

Has he had physio for his shoulder? With time it helps.

We've physio: total knee replacements and my husband for his shoulders.

I don’t have this on my phone for obvious reasons. What obvious reasons? Does he check your phone?

So now we know he retired some time before 2020, so you have had over six years of this.

Why was Covid a nightmare? Do you mean it was a nightmare because you were locked down with him?

Other than when he was working or now playing golf, it sounds like he rarely lets you out of his sight. He wants us to be doing stuff together all the time. That isn’t healthy. Everybody needs space and time to themselves.

Ask yourself, how often do you have time on your own? What do you do socially on your own? Literally, how many hours in a week are you away from him?

I want to say something about narcissism. There are tons of online resources about this. See just how many of the traits he has.

I mention this because narcissists often struggle with being alone. This is because they rely on external validation from others to maintain their self-esteem and sense of self-worth. They crave attention, admiration, or even just the feeling of being needed by others to feel good about themselves. This need for validation can manifest as an inability to tolerate being alone, often leading them to seek out constant interaction and engagement with others.

They will turn it around and say it's because they want to be with you but it's really because they cannot be alone.

If he no longer has validation through work and not as much validation throught his golf buddies then, and as time gooes on, he is going to be relying on you more and more for that validation.

You say: I don’t really know what I do want to do.

As I said in my last post - first step, seek some counselling - not least to discover why you say you both dread the future with him but also say that divorce from him would be your worse fear.

Is it merely because you don’t want to lose the lavish lifestyle? Or is because you fear living on your own? But you wouldn't be alone. You have children and grandchildren and friends. You would just be out from under his control. And it is control and always has been.

Please stop blaming yourself for his behaviour. Yes, it sounds like you have been blinded by the money and the lifestyle it has bought you but you would be entitled to a good setttlement. I doubt you would be struggling.

You are only 60, not even retirement age. You could get a job, start a businesss, maybe start a small catering company if you like to cook. The children are grown up. This is your time and you have right to be spending it doing the things you want to do.

Shaking my head in despair.
What would I not give for my husband to say “let’s go shopping together then have a spot of lunch “
Many of my friends and their husbands share the same interests and enjoy it. These are professional and independently minded women in perfectly healthy marriages.
However I am sure going to Ascot (of course) has helped ease OP’s angst. Wimbledon and Henley should help in due course too. Not forgetting Glyndebourne, Cowes week and the Glorious 12th.

RosieandherMaw 😂

Char65 You ve just eaten a huge meal in a very posh restaurant with every waiter at your beck and call giving you the full treatment and then you ve sat back and said that was perfect but I m not paying a penny for it

You ve had and are still having everything handed to you on a plate but don’t like how it’s being handed, but you are still taking the plate with both hands

I actually feel sorry for your husband and don’t admire your dishonesty

BlueBelle - you and me both ✔️✔️✔️

To continue the analogy There’s no such thing as a free lunch
Sorry, OP - no more sympathy from me (and nobody suggested “crotchet” -not crotchet- or Greek) - now you are taking the proverbial.

How I agree with Silverbrooks.

I was married to a narcissist for many years. I knew nothing about narcissism until very late in the marriage, and since divorcing in 2017 have educated myself about it. I'll never get involved with such a person again. I was my ex's second wife, he's about to embark on what will be his fourth marriage I hear. As for me, I'll never marry again. My partner of six months and I both live alone and although we speak on the phone most days and meet up a few times a week, we know the importance of having our own space and pursuing our own interests.

I would advise counselling, Char. You do need to find yourself. I'm sure the extravagant days out, etc. are very nice, but deep down, what do you want? No one has the right to control your every move. I can honestly say that divorce - though extremely painful - is sometimes the only way. Do you really love your husband or do you love your lifestyle? My life these days is very simple - but infinitely happier.

I am not sure the OP wants a solution, she is just enjoying herself pretending to be a victim.

It is quite clear that if she wanted to, she has all the resources she needs, mental and financial, to walk out of this marriage and build herself a 'better' life elsewhere, but of course, she doesn't really want to.

I have known women like that in the past, not one of them has ever left her husband, they enjoy the cushy life he provides for them while luxuriating in the freedom of being able to constantly whinge about him behind his back.

I think you are a very fortunate woman.
You need to put up and shut up or
do something about whatever it is that's bothering you.
Life's too short. Try being thankful for once and see how it feels!

I think well meaning replies like those from Silverbrooks add to the OP victim scenario .
Genuinely helpful suggestions have been offered and a man who is probably, kind, generous, maybe old fashioned, but nevertheless a good husband and father, who admits his (lucrative) career prevented him spending much time with her when they were younger, is now depicted as a coercive controlling pantomime villain.
This may suit OP’s narrative but unless she wants to see herself replaced by a newer model I would think some more give and take on her side might not come amiss.
There is a name for women who stick with men purely for the comfortable lifestyle and it involves a precious metal and a spade.
Or remember “Mrs Morton’s” interview with Debbie McGhee

Based on what OP has said in her opening post and subsequent responses, I think it very likely that she is a victim. I am entitled to my “well-meaning” view based on what she has written.

You say he is probably kind, generous etc.

That is all part of how people control one another. Read about trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance. I see that in what she writes and the excuses she makes for him.

I read: DH didn’t complaint as long as the house was peaceful, tidy and I didn’t argue with him and was around when needed.

She had four children in 10 years. One might keep a semblance of tidiness depending on where the children were allowed to go in the house but how does one keep a peaceful house with four young children under 10?

She says: Of course, in 35 years of marriage we’ve had rows/cross words/arguments but a lot have been child-related. I’ll always defend the children.

Why does she have to defend the children against their father?

It matters not whether someone is a rich as Croesus or lives on a poor housing estate. Some people enjoy controlling their partners. After decades of it, the latter may see no alternatve but to let them if only for a quiet life - c/f the many, many similar discussions from miserable women started on this board almost every day.

It needs to stop.

That is all part of how people control one another. Read about trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance. I see that in what she writes and the excuses she makes for him.

Oh how this is being blow up out of all proportion.
Just to add, we only have one side of the story from a self-confessed “trophy wife” who sadly does not seem to reciprocate her DH’s desires to spend more time with her now that he is retired.
Do I sense the inconvenience of having an older man around her neck? Making her life untidy?
Poor man, is this all he has to look forward to- a life as an inconvenient meal ticket?