Younger partner and spending expectatiosn

I know two couples in a similar situations, one pair live together, I was friends first with the ‘put upon’ partners. Any discussion regarding their other halves unacceptable behaviour is dismissed because ‘I love him/her and don’t want to be on my own’
Is that you too OP? Although you’ve thanked people for their comments, you haven’t said you’ll be taking any action.

It seems to me that, if you first got together when you were working full time and presumably earning a good salary, he is still in the same mindset that you are equal partners financially.
If you are fond of him and would like to remain as partners, it is probably time for a real heart to heart. If you are happy to do so, show him your pay slips and bank statements, perhaps he really doesn’t comprehend the difference in your finances now or the fact that, as you’ve got older, you don’t want to travel anymore. You say he is kind and caring in other ways and does a lot for you so it would be a shame to end your relationship but maybe you are starting to think otherwise.

I think you either have to accept that it is what it is or move on really. He at least seems to have some good qualities but maybe now you are back in Ireland and in more regular contact he's annoying you more?

He's not really a "partner" if he doesn't behave in a partnerly/sharing way, which he isn't doing. Ditch him and live your frugal life your way without all the stupid pressures he's piling on you.

Run.

I doubt any advice is welcome, but here goes.

Think long and hard: is this man really the person you want to share this part of your life with?

You and he seem to have very different ideas as to what you each want out of life.

In your place, I would recommend him to find himself another woman to share his life with.

What do you actually get out of this relationship apart from some "help in the garden" and some "lifting heavy things".
Sounds to me as if he's unlikely to change his ways, you've tried pointing out your circumstances and he's ignored this showing no acknowledgement of the situation or the strain he's putting on you.
I would have a long hard think about whether to end the relationship and get on with living your life the way you want.

Think very carefully what you want from this “ relationship” as you don’t seem to be that happy in it. He seems dismissive of your needs and that is a wake up call for me as it should be for you. Maybe time apart would benefit you and give you the space to consider your next step.

A caring partner would not expect you to go to the sun if you have a pre-cancerous condition. I suffer from vertigo and it is recommended I don't take a cruise, something my husband would love to do. Since the moment he heard the advice from the Consultant, he doesn't even mention going on a cruise and if any trips we do take include a short boat ride, he worries on my behalf so tries to find another way. That is caring.

ElaineMcG47 don't be afraid to be on your own...you sound like a truly independent woman...don't stay with someone just because he can garden/put up shelves etc...there's plenty of people on local forums who can do these jobs...
I'm just going to ask if its the intimacy you will miss?

It won’t get better. You’ve a chance to quit now. Too many women suffering.

Having a man around who can do all the household stuff you can’t do is really useful. I would try to hang onto that part of the relationship, especially since paying a professional for odd jobs can be expensive. Just eat out less and decline holidays. Cook him some meals at your place in exchange for him picking up the tab in restaurants. Not all relationships have to be for life. Do you want to marry this man in the longer term? If so you need him to stop pressuring you financially now. He won’t change later.

Allira

^There is also the issue if he pays more for a meal than I do he calculates how much extra he spent^

That doesn't sound like someone who is nice and caring to me.

How old is he?
I can't tell you what to do but I know what I'd do and that is wave goodbye. You want a quieter life and he is pressuring you to do otherwise.
You're now on two different paths in life.

👍

I know it is hard. But I think you just have to lay it on the line. The big question for me is do you love him and does he love you? If the answer is yes then he needs to support you and that means in every way, and you need to support him too. Your support is in doing things with him that you can enjoy together. His is in helping you to do that and becoming more involved financially. It doesn’t sound like this is what’s happening, so what is? Sex? Fun? Habit? Companionship? Think about what both of you are getting from this and then decide if it is worth preserving and if so how that can be done. And BTW you really do need to spell it out to him that you have no money, so whatever is happening, if it costs he is going to have to pay for it. If he really values you this won’t be an issue. If it is, well you have your answer.

Is it actually him that is calculating everything or is it you who insist on paying your share. I had a partner for 7 years who never paid a penny for me but that was my choice as I never wanted to feel I owed him financially. We had 7 good years together but apart from birthday and Christmas presents, we always paid for exactly what we had. He was well off, I could have afforded his life choices, but did not wish to 'waste' my money as he did and am much more careful how I spend it. I am hoping to have enough to pay for my own decent care when I have to give in and have some help. I am therefore wondering whether it may be OP who finds it difficult to accept his generosity if he was to offer. I am also wondering how old OP is and although I understand she is tired and with to slow down, that is her choice. He is still working full time, so why should he pay for OP. Different if you are married and fully committed, but as a partner or companion, I see it as being different. Also remember he would in effect be supporting her youngest son too as she chooses to spend some of her money on her adult son. None of it is wrong it is agreeing what is acceptable to both parties. Relationships need talking about.

If you are on low income, do explore if you or child can get any financial help.
I do not know about Eire, but if it is just you and a student, in UK you can get council tax single person discount. If you did not claim and have only just moved then ask your former council for a rebate.
If you are 60, are you entitled to your NHS pension? (Check you have told them your new address)

It does sound as if his income is not that great either if he is tallying up contributions, so I guess not a great fit for a partner. I know it is difficult to start again, but do you want to spend the rest of your life with a penny pincher.

As to foreign holidays, how about a package or even all inclusive each paying your own - no tallying needed.

If you are not going to split, I would suggest you sit down with him and show him a total breakdown of your finances. Most parents would support an adult child if still in education . I assume he doesn’t have children that he is responsible for? So he likely doesn’t understand why you are paying to help him.
You need to SHOW him that in relation to him you have very little income coming in and you can’t afford to do a lot of things he wants to do. To go forward in the relationship you might have to compromise and go on his holidays to Tenerife ( and I’m with you on all your reasons not to! ) … BUT say he’ll have to pay for both of you cos ( as he can see) you have little spare money!
If he refuses to compromise as you were, and are, doing then I would agree with a lot of the replies who say get out of this relationship . NOT EASY. I had a younger partner who chased me and put up my shelves etc, etc, but after being caught cheating, said he was insecure ( I had 2 smallish sons at home then) so we should get married and he would be happy and secure! … I believed him and almost immediately I was persuaded to take mortgage out on the house all the home help stopped, and his chasing other women started again . Needless to say a divorce happened within a couple of years and I was left to cope with 2 children and a large mortgage. He left with a new car bought out of that mortgage! Beware!

OP, is he the father of your children? Did I miss that bit? If so, surely he needs to step.up and help finances whether it's for you or the kids.? Never mind about holidays. Simple things like bills and food if you are struggling, he should be there for you.

How old is your friend? Have you only met him since back in Ireland? There is so much you do not appear to share,it makes it difficult to advise.

How does he get on with your sons? Do they like him? Does he like them? Talk to them involve them in what you do? Or perhaps they don’t even know each other?

I don’t understand why he’s writing down the amount of money he spends if he’s not asking for it back, do you think he’s going to present you with a bill if you break up, I can’t think of any other reason he would keep score

You say that it is "quite a superficial relationship" and you describe a poor understanding of your needs. I would find the palaver over costing out your share of meals very rude. He's wealthy so what's that all about? He does not sound like a "keeper" more like a friend but perhaps you want to hang on to him even though you are aware of his faults?

60 is not old. Why do you want to slip into a dull retirement constantly watching your money?

Actually reading the OPs initial post again I think she’s saying that sometimes when they eat together she pays and chooses something cheap.

And when he chooses and pays he chooses more expensive stuff. The constant difference irks him.

I don’t really know why the OP calls him a partner. It’s what I would call a friendship with benefits.

It sounds as though you are both on different paths now. Finances can easily become a sore issue and it sounds as though they are.
If, despite you explaining your situation, he still doesnt get it and its
all becoming an added stress, maybe you should consider calling time on this relationship.
He will either adapt or agree. But something needs to be said and done as it sounds an uncomfortable situation to be in.