I have just returned to Ireland to live after working in a very stressful job in the NHS. I am working part-time in Ireland on a much reduced salary, but I really like my new job and can live very frugally. I am 60. I have two adult children, but one is still in college and I am still supporting him - no free fees in Ireland and no student loan. He has one more year left in college.
I have spoken about this briefly before. My partner never married, has no children, own his house outright as I do mine, but earns about 750 to 1000 per week. He is a nice guy but wants to travel a lot - which I don't anymore due to finances mostly but also have travelled a bit previously. He does not seem to listen at all when I say I am almost retired now and want to live frugally. Recently, I said my son's - the one in college - car broke down. He needs it for commuting and I was going to help him with the bill to repair it - he earns minimum wage in part-time work - but that it was a big stress for me now that I was earning much less, but that I knew next year my son would be finished college and earning good money. My partner then said why don't I just buy by son a new car. I felt so annoyed. I felt like he hadn't been hearing me at all for the last year when I have said I feel really burnt out, need to almost retire and had been working for 41 years at this stage.
He is always also pressurising me to go abroad on holidays. He will say he will pay for the hotel and I pay for the flights - but then there is the meals out abroad. He always wants to eat out and not go self-catering - and we share the cost of these meals equally - but it is a financial pressure for me to do all this when I can stay at home and go camping around Ireland or UK. There is also the issue if he pays more for a meal than I do he calculates how much extra he spent - he doesn't ask me for the money, but I have said to him before I feel he is calculating how much more he spent than me on a meal and he has agreed that he is doing this.
He is a nice guy, caring etc, but I feel the age gap is showing in terms of me wanting to retire and he is still working full-time and has a lot more money. I also don't feel heard despite repeatedly stating for over a year that I want a very part-time job and to semi retire and live frugally and that I was really burnt out with working.
Any advice/comment would be welcome.
Parsley3
^As I mentioned ab8ve he earns about 750 to 1000 per week and also gets a partial disability allowance after having been in hospital for 3 months 12 tears ago recovering from swine flu - he isn't disabled, also gets free travel as part of this supposed partial disability, and recently spent 70k on a top of the range van for work.^
Is he defrauding social security? That's a good reason to draw the line.
A good reason to report him, in my opinion, let alone get rid of him.
^^ElaineMcG47
I should mention that my partner once said that if I died he would change the locks on my house and claim my house.
I do think that, if he was really after your house, he would have put pressure on you to marry him by now as that’s the only way he could get his hands on it after you’ve gone. Unless you made a will leaving it to him, which I’m sure you have not.
If you do want to keep him in your life but on your terms you now need to become a lot more assertive. Don’t book any joint events unless you get his money up front as he can never be relied on to pay his half. Simply ignore his comments about going to Tenerife or simply say ‘I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to go’ and ignore other thoughtless comments about buying your son a car etc, they are not even worth you responding.
It is very wrong that he is claiming benefits if he is not disabled but I can understand if you are reluctant to report him. You could do so anonymously but that is something for your conscience. I do hope that you can sort this relationship out soon before it makes you even more miserable. Good luck.
So why are you even with this man. Yo don't want to do what his does, so why are you doing it?
you think he is diddling the state and is likely to change your locks!! If you really believe he would despite him telling you it was a joke, there is no hope is here? Personally I think he is winding you up and you bite every time, but because you do, that is not very nice either. Do you ever laugh together? For goodness sake ask yourself why am I staying with this man? because I am sure I can see it. You don't like him at all by the sound of it. Just like the jobs he does for you. When were you intending to see him when you go for your break in the UK and staying with your family? You are going to see them, yet do not want to stay with him in the hotel!! This is not normal by any mens IMO
Why on earth are you with him? You want to retire just do it. I am too independent I suppose but think i know my own mind.
If you must, keep him as a friend with benefits, or just go it alone and rejoice in your freedom. Don't want anyone telling me what to do I have earnt this time.
I agree with Allsorts, when you have worked hard all your life and want to retire and love simply in a way you can afford but still enjoy, nobody should be pressuring you to live your life differently. This is your time now, and if your partner is good company just keep him as a friend no strings attached, let him do his thing and you do yours.
Life’s too short.
Correction - live simply
Just read all through this and the replies. This is not a partnership, it’s using. The bit about him claiming your house would cause me to think very hard indeed about this man. You’d do well to update your will making it crystal clear he’s not in it. I think I’d gradually distance myself if you can’t bring yourself to end it abruptly. No more holidays, shared meals etc. just say I can’t afford it anymore. Get rid of him.
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