Younger partner and spending expectatiosn

He sounds rather mean to me. When I met my DH I was divorced with a 4 year old, working part-time. He was well paid and I don't think he ever expected me to pay for anything. I did pay my way on holiday, usually because I chose the holiday and he probably wouldn't have bothered going away otherwise.
It sounds as though you need someone who understands your commitments and financial situation and it isn't this man.

Why do most of the Gransnetters think it is OK for a partner or friend to pay for you? I find it incredible and would never accept anyone paying for me, perhaps expect for a birthday treat. I would feel I owed them. I live within my means and pay my own way at all times. If I can't afford anything I don't have it. I do think OP feels a bit like that or am I wrong here?

Is it mainly just this issue with the annual trip to Tenerife that bothers you? It sounds like there is a lot else that you enjoy doing together. Could you just reach an agreement that you don’t this specific holiday? Has he had a problem in previous relationships where he felt that he was taken advantage of? If I go somewhere with my daughter or with friends we use ‘settle up’ to make sure that we split everything we buy down the middle down to the last coffee. He might value the fact that you’re prepared to pay your way.
Finally, I wonder if for any reason he thinks that you are a bit better off than you claim? I’m not suggesting this is the case (although I do know a few people who claim to be very short of money but make spending decisions I would not make if I was genuinely short of money. I often think that they are not quite as hard up as they make out.) Perhaps he has encountered someone like this previously? Do you need to have a more frank and open conversation about about your individual financial situations?
This would all be quite a lot of work for you both, but you’ve invested five years in this relationship so far and only you can decide whether it’s worth making a bit of extra effort to get it onto a footing that’s going to make you comfortable.

Ditch him

JdotJ

Ditch him

Ditto

FranA

Having a man around who can do all the household stuff you can’t do is really useful. I would try to hang onto that part of the relationship, especially since paying a professional for odd jobs can be expensive. Just eat out less and decline holidays. Cook him some meals at your place in exchange for him picking up the tab in restaurants. Not all relationships have to be for life. Do you want to marry this man in the longer term? If so you need him to stop pressuring you financially now. He won’t change later.

I would be greatly surprised if he sees the poster as a marriage partner given how selfish he is. Unless he wants to inherit her

OP judging by your previous threads re the way your adult children treated you
I think your bar for someone being caring is set quite low.
Most anyone would give a person a lift from a railway station if they could. Esp late at night.
You have endured or had to endure being treated badly for so long that it seems the norm.
This guy adds v little to your life.
Ditch him.
Concentrate on looking after yourself. Instead of having to fit in and scurry around people who do not really value you.
All the best.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. I opened up the discussion with my partner that I felt he had not heard me over the last 18 months saying that I was feeling so overwhelmed with the cost of kids in college, wit a very stressful job and an autoimmune condition that I did not know how I would get to end of supporting my son in college, after my daughter finished, without physically and mentally collapsing after many years as a single parent and workjng full time, and that to mention buying a car for my son just felt like he had not heard me at all over the last 18 months. I also reminded him that I am going to be off work for a year after two knee surgeries, that I only work agency and am not sure yet if I will be entitled to very limited State sick oay in Ireland as I only worked here in Ireland in 2023 which is the year the base State dick pay on so I was worried re money for the next year and worried re using up savings. I feel this is a valid concern. I spoke to him, as I did before, about being at different stages and as 8 years older than him I was ready to partially retire.

His response was that if I was feeling that overwhelmed I should talk to a professional, and that he had worked since age 7 - he helped out in his dad's garage as I helped out from 7/8 in my parent's shop, that he couldn't retire now and had to keep in working. As I mentioned ab8ve he earns about 750 to 1000 per week and also gets a partial disability allowance after having been in hospital for 3 months 12 tears ago recovering from swine flu - he isn't disabled, also gets free travel as part of this supposed partial disability, and recently spent 70k on a top of the range van for work.

His response whrn said again that I was feeling so overwhelmed and often felt quite anxious was that I slways saw the negative whereas he always sees the positive. This is not my experience of him.

I am due to go yo the UK to stay with family. He said he wanted to come and that we would then stay in a hotel as woukd not impose on family. He mentioned three or four times that he woukd share the 400 cost of ferry, but then he left it do long to transfer the 200 that mist of the ferries going at a reasonable hour were sold out, so I paid for the ferry. Then ge said we would sit down together and book the hotel. This never happened. I had to book the hotel as they were in danger of no availability. I got a room but he said He presumed it was pay at arrival which it was and he would pay then, which I think he will pay for that one night, but it was quite a palaver

To look at this practically, and not judge his strange behaviour, you have to write a note to him.
First of all, you expect him to pay for the holiday and you will not go otherwise.
Secondly, an understanding of his responsibility towards your son, does he know you're all a family as you see yourselves, or does he see
you as completely separate from him, and it's only a casual thing. Is
he is really committed to being a family.
Tell him it's time for him to make a proper commitment to your idea of what your relationship and your family is (forever part of his life, but then he has a say too.)
This gets rid of the mushy emotive bit, and gives him clear decisions to make. We all have different brains and it's quite possible that he just doesn't understand you. I've just realised that my husband has no idea if what goes on in my head!

Thank you for updating us, ElaineMcG47. I think you have your answer as to the type of man he is. He has no empathy and you will always be battling the same thing. The fact he carries on claiming benefits when he doesn't need them shows he doesn't have a conscience. If you continue the relationship you have to realise that things will never change. If you can accept that and be happy, stay in the relationship. My feeling is that you'll never be truly happy and the juice really isn't worth the squeeze.

Actually you sound as if you don’t really like each other very much.

Stop complaining about each other and just go your separate ways.

I truly don’t understand why people stay in relationships that make neither of them happy.

I still find it incredible that you all expect this man to take on OP and her children as a family. The way OP explains things it comes across to me that they are not Partners in the sense many of you understand partners, they are companions, who spend time together but have totally separate lives. Separate houses and separate finances. Why should this man pay for OP. I do believe this is what she is hoping for, but why should he? Different if they lived together had a committed relationship where they pooled their money for their joint expenses. But they don't by the sound of it. It comes across to me as a rather casual relationship. Why is he coming to see her family in the UK, when he is staying in a hotel and she is not? why don't they either both stay in a hotel or both stay with family? because she does not want the family to think they are a in a relationship. Do the boys even know? the whole thing is so flimsy. This OP finds the relationship convenient because he does jobs for her, she would ideally like him to pay for her too, but why is her being short of money his business at this stage? and what does he get? OP is anxious about everything and he is very laid back leaving everything to the last minute. No wonder it is not working. Op wants to mould her man to be like her, to do everything her way and as someone else says it does not even sound like she really likes him, but needs and wants him around for what he does for her and can give her. You all dislike this poor man because of OPs description of him. Personally if I was him I would run a mile.

How funny, win because that is not how I read the OP's intentions at all although I agree with you about the status of the relationship.
I thought the hotel business arose because he wanted to come on the visit but didn't want to stay with the family. I get the impression that he agrees to pay for his share but then makes excuses not to pay until the last possible minute knowing the OP is not flush herself. It also sounds like he doesn't always get around to paying the full sum he's agreed to but I could be wrong about that.

icanhandthemback

How funny, win because that is not how I read the OP's intentions at all although I agree with you about the status of the relationship.
I thought the hotel business arose because he wanted to come on the visit but didn't want to stay with the family. I get the impression that he agrees to pay for his share but then makes excuses not to pay until the last possible minute knowing the OP is not flush herself. It also sounds like he doesn't always get around to paying the full sum he's agreed to but I could be wrong about that.

I think it is really difficult to know exactly what is going on in OPs mind as well as her companions, to be honest, we are all guessing and I am intrigued how this post has caused so much interest and different opinions/views/understandings of the strange situation. Perhaps OP does not really know herself what she wants. She knows she is struggling for money, but then says it is temporarily as her son will soon be through college. Then later she worries about her future. It definitely comes across to me as she is hoping for financial support, yes will not admit it to herself. The initial impression I had was that she wanted to manage independently and live within her income, but I am not so sure now. I also find it difficult to understand her explanations of the situation, it is rather muddled.

win, yes it is muddled and that may be why she can't get her point across to the partner. However, if I made specific points about my lack of finance meaning I only had enough for helping my son at this moment in time, I'd expect some empathy. There doesn't appear to be any self reflection on his side...only if it makes him holier than thou. An I can manage so why can't you attitude is not designed to reflect a caring person.

icanhandthemback

*win*, yes it is muddled and that may be why she can't get her point across to the partner. However, if I made specific points about my lack of finance meaning I only had enough for helping my son at this moment in time, I'd expect some empathy. There doesn't appear to be any self reflection on his side...only if it makes him holier than thou. An I can manage so why can't you attitude is not designed to reflect a caring person.

Yes I agree with that too

I think you should let him go. He sounds ungenerous and controlling and you’d be better off enjoying your quieter and slightly financially reduced circumstances on your own. I’d also find it hard to be with someone who didn’t have kids, it’s a bit of a red flag for me.

ElaineMcG47

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply. In relation to the question how long have I been with him. I have been with my partner for 5 years - 2 of those were long distance in that I lived in the UK and we saw each other every second weekend.

He's caring in some ways - will help out in my garden, put up shelves, lift heavy stuff that I cannot do. He will pick me up from the train if it is late, that sort of thing.

We like doing the same things, walking, gardening, garden centres, sea swimming but it's all quite superficial, not much deep discussion on anything.

There has always been this issue of money - i.e.. splitting things exactly evenly, and calculating if the meal I pay for is less than the meal he bought previously. There has always been the pressure to travel - wants a holiday abroad each year and to the same place, Tenerife. I am very fair, hate the sun, have a pre cancerous skin condition and am a magnet for mosquitos, as well as the holiday costing a lot more than I can afford.

His recent comment suggesting I should buy a car for my son as my son's car frequently breaks down, angered me a lot as I can barely help my son with the car repairs and he knows that, and knows that I am still funding my son in college and that it is a huge stress, and I have been mentioning this for the last two years or so.

Thanks again for all the comments and advice. So much appreciated!

You've used the phrase "not much deep discussion on anything".......red light blaring.....red light blaring......

I've watched a couple I know well over decades and - though they shared pretty similar values - there was "not much deep discussion on anything" that I could see. I knew what it was to do with too - as she would stop me talking to him if the conversation got a bit too "involved" for her (ie words of more than a few syllables basically). Yep...it was my parents and he was very intelligent - and she .....errrrrrm....errrm...wasn't. I know it frustrated him - as he did say a couple of times. It certainly frustrated me and the residue of her as a mother (and him away often) was buying myself a steadily bigger and then bigger dictionary after I moved out - just in order to get my vocabulary up to a reasonable level (as I knew it was poor).

I'm not getting good vibes about this guy all round....

There is a very "fair skin" gene in my family too - my father got it and was riddled with skin cancer come the end, my brother got it and is also riddled with skin cancer (the last I saw of him - some years back). My skin is only marginally darker/ie still very light and I keep having to have cosmetic blemishes removed (though nothing cancerous thankfully). Yep...us fair skinned ones can't take much sun (darn it!).

Sounds to me like he doesn't understand you - and doesn't particularly want to either...

So - if you can't really talk much with each other = that is not good news imo.

As I mentioned ab8ve he earns about 750 to 1000 per week and also gets a partial disability allowance after having been in hospital for 3 months 12 tears ago recovering from swine flu - he isn't disabled, also gets free travel as part of this supposed partial disability, and recently spent 70k on a top of the range van for work.
Is he defrauding social security? That's a good reason to draw the line.

HI! Thanks again for all the replies. They have been really helpful in seeing whether I will be taking my partner into retirement with me or no.

In relation to me expecting my partner to pay for me, that is absolutely not the case. My son is my child to support through college, which I do. I do not expect my partner to pay anything for him at all, and even if we lived as a family, which we don't, I would not expect this.

In relation to the holiday - I was going to visit family in the UK. I was going on my own so had been invited to stay with them. Then my partner wanted to come too. That's fine, but he did not want to stay with them, and also it would be quite an imposition on my family - small house, adults kids there too. So my partner said he would pay his cost of ferry and hotels, and kept saying he would sit down with me to book them, but never did, with me then having to book them as the ferry at reasonable times was almost booked out.

I am on a much smaller income now, and this will be adequate next year when my son finishes college, but it won't cover holidays abroad twice a year, in addition to hotel breaks a few times a year and eating out every weekend, these are things my partner likes to do currently, but he has been limited by my financial commitments and budget, but they are also things that I am not that bothered about at all. I like simple things, camping, cooking at home - I'm a fairly good cook, going to events at the local library, the local theatre, being involved in a gardening group.

I think my real resentment is that despite being together for five years, he still doesn't listen to me when I say I have other financial commitments and have a fairly tight budge, and will come out with why can't I buy my son a car rather than get it repaired, and continue to mention weekends away and holidays abroad, despite knowing that I am still financially supporting my son through college - no student loans in Ireland. This also involved medical and dental stuff as there is no free GP or dental care here - though I know NHS dental care has been significantly reduced in recent years.

I feel I just need to make my own retirement plans without my partner, but as others have said it is really more of a companion relationship as we do not live together, and I don't want to either - the reasons being I like having my own space, but also I don't want any inheritance my children might get after I die to go to a partner - it will be for them to put towards a house or savings. I should mention that my partner once said that if I died he would change the locks on my house and claim my house. I have challenged him on this several times, and he said it was a joke, but it really bothered me, and still does, and I did explain to him that he could not legally claim my house.

Thanks again.

As I said upthread, you’re an independent woman knowing what your budgets are (like me) and still saying he’s a good companion… I don’t think he sees you as a ‘partner’
Don’t know what else to say as you say you want advice🙅🏻‍♀️
After 5 years, you have put up with his way of thinking and wish you well ..don’t think you can mould him into what you want …

If you die he will "change the locks on my house and claim my house" !!!!!!!!

What's that phrase of "Many a true word spoken in jest" ? At some level this thought has crossed his mind and that would be unacceptable even if you were childless. He's after what he can get from you and he'd be off if he could find someone more amenable to what he wants and/or with more money and/or better-looking.......

I've come across one of these types pretty recently and, luckily, recognised him for what he was pretty quickly. Just out after what he could get and would have been off in seconds if he'd spotted someone he thought was more "hopeful" in that respect.

Admitted I'm now living in one of the areas of the country where it's pretty common for a man to expect a woman "better/higher level than he is" and you may be living in a more "equal" area.......but even so.....

I think you know the answer already. He’s not your ‘partner’ at all.

If he already has a key, change the locks now and don't let him have a key.

He sounds very selfish.
You deserve better, even if that means being alone and building a social life for yourself without him.