Feels as if husband is blackmailing me

Davida1968

I'm confused! It's my understanding that a person shouldn't be claiming "state benefits" if they are married to (or even simply living with) someone with even an "average" income, never mind a "wealthy" person! (I'm wondering what these state "benefits are? As your DH is only 60, then clearly the "state benefits" referred to, aren't a state pension.) Readandcook, have you looked into the legality of this? Perhaps your DH could be prosecuted for fraud - and you could be seen as complicit!

RTF.

OP says her husband is 67 so that is likely to be the State Pension which is a benefit despite the many arguments that it isn't. It is a contributory benefit which he would have been entitled to claim at 66.

The OP was right, state pension is considered a benefit, wrongly on my opinion.

I would not have married him but just had him as a partner if he has other qualities.
You seem to be poles apart.

Readandcook

State pension! Sorry not state benefits, my apologies.

That makes sense now we know his age.
It looks like he's doing very well materially out of this marriage without demanding more. I'd be extremely wary moving forward. What's he actually bring to this relationship, 3 years in and he's now not paying his share.

As far as I can make out, you both have different ideas about money, priorities and spending. There is also no mention of love or respect between you. These issues will eat away at your relationship. My advice would be to end the relationship. I speak from bitter experience.

MollyNew

As far as I can make out, you both have different ideas about money, priorities and spending. There is also no mention of love or respect between you. These issues will eat away at your relationship. My advice would be to end the relationship. I speak from bitter experience.

Exactly. I would tell him to close the door on the way out if he’s threatening to leave.

If this man is leaving in two months, he owes two months of paying half the bills. He won't though, he will drag it out. He cannot live there for free, see a solicitor now.
He has a cosy number, he gets a state pension, works 4 days a week and gets £500 a month rent from his property. Quite simply he is a freeloader, how can you respect him now?

I can’t help thinking that if the roles were reversed, a wealthy man would share his assets and his income with his wife. He would not expect his wife to be struggling with money and having to work at 67, unless it was a job she really loved.

During my marriage, we always split everything 50/50 with shared bank accounts, despite him sometimes being the main breadwinner and sometimes me being the main breadwinner.

I can’t see how a marriage can work without sharing.

CanadianGran

I would go see a solicitor or financial adviser. When he states income should be shared... do you still work and have an income, or do you live off investments?

Sharing income and sharing assets are completely different kettles of fish.

Definitely, I would go to see my lawyer if I were in that position.

Unfortunately, I do agree that sharing income and sharing assets are completely different kettles of fish ..

mostlyharmless

I can’t help thinking that if the roles were reversed, a wealthy man would share his assets and his income with his wife. He would not expect his wife to be struggling with money and having to work at 67, unless it was a job she really loved.

During my marriage, we always split everything 50/50 with shared bank accounts, despite him sometimes being the main breadwinner and sometimes me being the main breadwinner.

I can’t see how a marriage can work without sharing.

So if a husband says "give me money or l leave" you'd just hand it over?

The op also has an accountant.
A visit to him would be worth doing as well. In my opinion. With or without your husband.

Personally, I have never understood how marriages work without doing money jointly.
But I think they do seem to?

Frenchgalinspain

CanadianGran

I would go see a solicitor or financial adviser. When he states income should be shared... do you still work and have an income, or do you live off investments?

Sharing income and sharing assets are completely different kettles of fish.

Definitely, I would go to see my lawyer if I were in that position.

Unfortunately, I do agree that sharing income and sharing assets are completely different kettles of fish ..

Absolutely agree, my husband and l share income but our independent assets (accumulated prior to our marriage) are protected and will pass to our respective children.

It would be interesting to see if some opinions/posts would differ, if it roles were reversed.

If the man was the one with the wealth I suspect there might be a very difference response from some.

mostlyharmless

I can’t help thinking that if the roles were reversed, a wealthy man would share his assets and his income with his wife. He would not expect his wife to be struggling with money and having to work at 67, unless it was a job she really loved.

During my marriage, we always split everything 50/50 with shared bank accounts, despite him sometimes being the main breadwinner and sometimes me being the main breadwinner.

I can’t see how a marriage can work without sharing.

I think the difference here is that it is a mid-life marriage where the OP was previously a single parent bringing up 2 children and being apparently financially independent for a number of years. She will naturally want to protect her assets for her own future and that of her children. He is also a parent so he should understand her point of view but it seems he doesn't.

If it were me, I would resent a partner threatening to leave if she doesn't agree to finance his lifestyle. That's emotional blackmail and not respectful to a partner.

mostlyharmless

I can’t help thinking that if the roles were reversed, a wealthy man would share his assets and his income with his wife. He would not expect his wife to be struggling with money and having to work at 67, unless it was a job she really loved.

During my marriage, we always split everything 50/50 with shared bank accounts, despite him sometimes being the main breadwinner and sometimes me being the main breadwinner.

I can’t see how a marriage can work without sharing.

Exactly. I think sharing income is the right thing to do, sharing assets is different as I understand if they both have adult children they probably want to ensure they can pass something on. I think if a man had a high income and his wife was struggling he would be called abusive.

rafichagran

If this man is leaving in two months, he owes two months of paying half the bills. He won't though, he will drag it out. He cannot live there for free, see a solicitor now.
He has a cosy number, he gets a state pension, works 4 days a week and gets £500 a month rent from his property. Quite simply he is a freeloader, how can you respect him now?

No he doesn't. Read the thread.

His mortgage on the rented property is £1,300 a month and he receives rent of £800. He has a shortfall of £500 a month that he must meet from his State Pension and working four days a week at the garden centre.

If he's on minimum wage (I doubt garden centres pay more) and the average weekly SP which is around £220 a week then, after tax he will have around £500 a week. Out of that he has to pay £125 pw mortgage leaving him £325 for everything else including his contribution towards the costs of the joint household. No wonder he can't pay towards expensive home additions and fancy cruises.

How is he a freeloader?

Oh dear what a sorry, sad situation to be in- for both of you really. What a shame property and financial matters were not discussed and formalised before you both got married.

You say he has told you he is leaving in 2 months time- the same notice period he would need to give his tenant. Has he said he's going back to his property and given the tenant notice- have you asked?

Letting him leave will provide you both with the opportunity to take stock. Both of you can decide whether the break is permanent or temporary whilst resolving your differences. Letting him go would stop the leaving threat cycle also. You could suggest going to relationship counselling together and consult a solicitor at the same time to understand your financial position and options. Counselling will provide the opportunity to discuss your feelings for each other, like do you both still love each other and want to work through problems or part? If you decide to stay you can work through, with the counsellor, how you can both manage to adapt to your differing wealth levels. You both can protect respective properties within a legal agreement as a result if you decide to stay together. You have the benefit of inherited wealth, rent from one property and a mortgage free home you currently live in. He has a state pension, £500 shortfall on a mortgage and currently garden centre employment income but that may not last for many more years and his financial status will be even more precarious. Realistically he has and will continue to have far less available spending income than yourself- do you love him enough to adapt to that if you stay together?

You are not being unreasonable being upset by your position. Protect your wealth by all means, in the right way, with legal advice. Be respectful to the man you married by going to counselling (together if he is willing, alone if not) so you can part amicably and fairly or stay together amicably and fairly.

Good luck.

rafichagran

The OP was right, state pension is considered a benefit, wrongly on my opinion.

Yep....I thought "Can't be 'benefits', must mean "State Pension". That being we all know State Pension IS State Pension and not a benefit at all. Though, goodness knows the government does keep confusing matters by calling it a "benefit"...and most of us sit back and think "You lot can regard it as a Ponzi scheme if you like - by saying we're paying for someone older than ourselves etc - but we know the amount we get is dependant on what we ourselves have paid in basically and so we personally are the person we have paid in for".

fancythat

The op also has an accountant.
A visit to him would be worth doing as well. In my opinion. With or without your husband.

Personally, I have never understood how marriages work without doing money jointly.
But I think they do seem to?

Whilst seeing that accountant - ask them "Is there a reason you can think of why he's saying 'two months' - rather than 'right now'?".

Maybe he will reach/or thinks he will reach some sort of financial target time that is relevant in the case of a divorce if he waits just a few more weeks? Is there maybe a change in the law somewhere that will be applied pretty soon?

I say this - because in very different circumstances - I've had "target times" in my mind and so did someone who opposed me. The opponent I had knew that if they just "forgot" about a "target time" that applied in those circumstances they could cross their fingers and hope I didn't know about that "target time" that applied. Unfortunately for them - I did know there was a "target time" there and anticipated they'd "accidentally on purpose" sail past it and they'd get what they wanted.....

Cue for I screamed long and hard and told everyone what they were up to - and, funnily enough, it was dealt with before the deadline they hoped I didn't know about....

The 2 month period could relate to the 2 month notice period to his tenant...

I am no expert from either a relationship perspective or a legal/financial one.

It sounds like you aren't compatible, and as others have said it would be really wise to seek some sound legal advice as soon as possible.

PaynesGrey

I think you are being unreasonable not least because you are making an assumption (not just about your husband but a whole demographic) than renting is a poor choice.

Everyone’s circumstances are different. There may be any number of reasons for renting and not only financial.

By your own admission your wealth comes from inheritance from parents who made money from property speculation. I think that may have given you a rather supercilious attitude.

I suspect he feels inferior because you are making him feel so.

You knew his circumstances when you met and married him. If you love him and are not just wealthy but very wealthy why would you not want to make life easier for him and share what you have? He’s working and earning so he’s not an idle man.

Have an open hand not a closed one. Pay off the mortage. If you feel you want some recompense than you can ask to take a share in the property as tenants in common to reflect your contribution.

I agree with this.

Lots of people rent because they have no choice. No bank of mum and dad. No trust fund from granny and grandpa, No inheritance. They just work and pay bills as best they can.
My son and daughter-in-law have just moved into their first home with their three little ones. They are in their mid forties and have rented until now. All their own hard work and I'm proud of them.

If you suspect he's a gold digger get financial advice. If not just help him out.

Readandcook Were the purchases of an expensive cruise and the woodburner joint decisions?

Desdemona

I am no expert from either a relationship perspective or a legal/financial one.

It sounds like you aren't compatible, and as others have said it would be really wise to seek some sound legal advice as soon as possible.

I agree ... and I hope he has some decent advice too. It doesn't sound as though you have much of a relationship.

No, your not being unreasonable, but I dont know what the answer is.