How do you get on with In Laws ie son or daughter in law

After having an awful controlling ex husband who has never been there for my two girls I am so proud of my two son in laws. They are like sons, they treat me well and above most they are the perfect husbands and dads - all I could wish for

I get on well with my adult childrens partners but I really don’t feel I need to be particularly close
We just have a pleasant respectful relationship
Perhaps don’t worry so much if you aren’t that close?

I have one son in law who I love like a second son. He is kind, generous and accepts our family as his own. I couldn’t have a better son in law if I had chosen him myself.

We like our DiL but we aren’t close. In a crisis she steps up and she was very good to my elderly mother when she was alive. We are best friends with her parents. We only met them when the two young people got together but I was determined that any grandchildren would see us as one family and we worked very hard to make the relationship work. The important thing is that my son and his wife are extremely happy together.

Says it all. While DIL, GD and I playing Uno GD suddenly asked "Nanny, do you love Mummy more than me ?"
"No". Love Mummy to the moon and back, love you to the stars and back. Huge grin.
DIL and I laughed so much later at dinner. Love her to bits !
It is not a competition.

I spoke too soon (earlier in the thread).
One of my ds.i.l. is not talking to me now.
We went for a meal a couple of weeks ago, and the drink loosened my tongue.
Talking about the past, I mentioned that I really liked one of my son’s ex-gfs . She was extremely kind to me. True. His wife stormed out of the room, with her phone. I presume she went to ring her mother to complain about me. She (only child) is always ringing her mother to complain about someone or the other. I know that, because, when her mum comes to me for a coffee, she is constantly interrupting our conversation.
So, I obviously don’t get on with one of my ds.i.l.😂
Where’s the edit button when you need it?

My DiL is lovely and I get on well with her. Last year she asked me to go on holiday with her and the children to visit my DD who was living abroad. She was concerned about managing 2 young children on a long haul flight. Clearly she doesn't mind my company. When the youngest kicked off on the flight there wasn't a lot I could do to help so I felt a bit useless, but the older one did at least let me help him with his food. DD gets on well with her too - better than with her brother. She adores my grandchildren and probably wouldn't see them so much if she didn't get on well with my DiL as she and my son have never been close. The children adore their Auntie too so it works really well. I'm very grateful for his choice!

Today is my daughter in laws birthday. I have never been invited to the family dinner to celebrate.

I adore my daughter in law, she is lovely. My ex son in law, although he lives in a different country and has remarried with children, still calls me mum and he is great too. Unfortuately her second husband died in his 30s, he absolutely loved my daughter and would have moved heaven and earth for her so you can't ask much more than that. She has now met a new man who seems quite wonderful and also treats her and her children very well.

crazyH What is the fact that your daughter-in-law is an "only" child to do with her relationship with her mother?

It does sound unnecessarily "snippy".
Maybe she senses a disapproval?

We’ve got 2 daughter-in-laws, one I can take with a pinch of salt, the other is like the daughter we never had. We treat them both the same, but one can only try so hard and get absolutely nowhere from the one that doesn’t want to know!

crazyH

I spoke too soon (earlier in the thread).
One of my ds.i.l. is not talking to me now.
We went for a meal a couple of weeks ago, and the drink loosened my tongue.
Talking about the past, I mentioned that I really liked one of my son’s ex-gfs . She was extremely kind to me. True. His wife stormed out of the room, with her phone. I presume she went to ring her mother to complain about me. She (only child) is always ringing her mother to complain about someone or the other. I know that, because, when her mum comes to me for a coffee, she is constantly interrupting our conversation.
So, I obviously don’t get on with one of my ds.i.l.😂
Where’s the edit button when you need it?

I'd just apologise and say that you weren't comparing them and meant no disrespect to her. Having done that, just let her decide what to do.

I have occasionally put both feet into my mouth (totally unwittingly), normally through Social Media and have had to write an apology to one of my DIL's. We will never be close but as long as our son is happy with her, I will make every effort to maintain a relationship. One of my faux pas was to tell an ex-girlfriend who was born without a womb, who had been promised money for an egg donor and IVF by her mother who had then reneged so she had to raise her own money and had nearly lost the baby at the end, that on the birth of her baby, I couldn't think of anybody who deserved her luck more. Unfortunately my DIL had given birth to a stillborn. Obviously I was devastated for them but my main thrust to the ex was how much I'd admired her getting what she wanted after such setbacks but I accept I worded it badly. Of course I didn't think my DIL was less deserving but that is how it came across to her. It was an unthinking comment and I was truly sorry that I had hurt her and my son. It took a while but after writing to them, once they had reflected they accepted my apology and we put things behind us.

I get on very well with both my SIL's I also got on very well with both my MIL and FIL miss them very much. They also got on with my parents as they had a lot in common. I consider myself very lucky.

Notsphaghetti - my comment wasn’t meant to be ‘snippy. It’s a fact. .An only child tends to be extremely close to their parents and the parents are over sensitive to their emotions and hence go along with everything their child says or does.
For example, when my daughter has a little ‘moan’ about her m.i.l., i always try to diffuse it and tell her to see the positives. My daughter’s m.i.l. is a good woman, who has done a lot for them.
I never ‘stir’, which I’m afraid is going on here. My daughter would never dream of leaving the table in a restaurant, to ring me and complain about her m.i.l.
And btw can I also add, my d.i.ls mother ‘hated’ her own mother (her own words) and never allowed her daughter to spend any time with her. Say no more.

I adore both my sons in law. They make my daughters happy that is all I ask

DH and I are blessed by 2 wonderful sons in law and a daughter in law that I can, truthfully,say she is my favorite daughter in law... and that's not because she is always going to be my only DIL ( one son, 3 daughters so we might yet get a third SIL .
DIL has been with DS since they were 20 . That's 24 years and I love her more with the passing of time.
Both SILs are wonderful too .
I love each one of them very much

I have 3 DIL, mothers to my 6 GCs. We don’t live close to any of them, but help whenever needed.
I get on really well with one, pretty well with the second. The third is polite but distant. I just try to stay on good terms with all 3.

My parents loved the bones of my late husband from the moment they met him - a young matelot in the Fleet Air Arm. It was always said that if we were ever to separate - it would be my husband going 'home' to MY Mum and Dad!!! Luckily that situation never arose!

DIL is a star. She is a very busy lady, but there if I need her

My d.i.l is wonderful and I love her.
She's kind and thoughtful, and makes my son happy which is the most important thing.
And I get on well with my other son's ex wife. We were really close and have remained on friendly terms .

My DILs do not live nearby so means I stay when visiting. Fortunately I get on well with both, but more so with one than the other. I woukd never describe myself as a best friend but we are friendly and I always feel welcome when I go to stay sometimes for two weeks as I am left in charge of grandson who is at school and needs driven to after-school and weekend activities when they have a break away.

I get on better with my son-in-law than with my daughter.

CrazyH

If you look at the work of Dr. Toni Falbo, the data shows that only children consistently score higher on autonomy and self-reliance than children with siblings. They don't have a sibling "peer group" to confer with so tend to develop their own internal compass.

I think only children are actually less likely to "run to mummy" with every complaint because they are used to processing things solo.

If this is what your daughter-in-law is doing I think this is to do with her personality rather than birth order.

I have to add, it IS odd though CrazyH!

I get on great with my sil and dil. I love them both to bits and honestly couldn't have chosen better life partners for my kids if it was my job.
My sil really is like a son, he calls me mum, I've cuddled him when he's been crying lol we're very close.

I don't have the same kind of relationship with my dil but it's still very good. I used to go drinking with her before she got with m1y son, so we were already friends.

I'm actually really thankful that I get on so well with them both, I'd hate to have been the mother in law from hell!