How do you get on with In Laws ie son or daughter in law

I get on ok with my DIL of 20 years but we are in no way close . We do chit chat but no in depth conversations. The poor girl lost her mother ten years ago and they had been very close and it’s possible that she is a bit resentful that I’m still here. I totally understand if that’s how she feels as I felt that way when my mum first died . I look after their teenage daughter a lot and do what I can to help .
My son in law is very close to me and would do anything for me but he adores my DD , his wife , and I think that transfers to me in some small ways.
My other DS has only been with his fiancé for two years but I’m quite close to her though I only see them about once a month . She’s so good for my DS and makes him very happy .

I'm very lucky to have a lovely DiL. When they were newly married she had reason to travel between her parent's home and their marital home one weekend and stopped off to visit me as I lived between the 2 locations and it was a few hours drive. she arrived out of the blue and I said why didn't you let me know youwere coming. She said she didn't want me to be tied to staying in as I may have had other plans and if I'd been out she'd have found a motorway services to stop off. I was really pleased she'd chosen to visit and was considerate enough not to want me to be put out. I realised if she'd been driving with my son I'd have expected them to visit but on her own she had chosen to.When they moved across country during the pandemic they did the move in stages with her mother driving a small truck and each time they stopped off for lunch, even though it had to be sandwiches in the garden due to the restictions at the time. My house became known as 'Slough Services'! Over the years I've got to know her parents and her Granny and Uncles and Aunts. I sometiimes feel closer to some member of her extended family than I am to my own. My DD is still single but if she marries Ihope I'll have as good a relationship with her partner.

Youngerthanspringtime

Do you actually like and get on with your son in law or daughter in law? Or maybe you're really close and they are like a son/daughter to you?
I wish I could say that but I'm not at all close to my daughter in law and she does nothing for me. I do care in the fact that she's my son's wife and grandchildren's mother and wish her only good things and I give praise when due, I help out when she wants me to be around for after school cover etc but to be honest the fact that I don't see her much doesn't bother me, we have nothing in common apart from we love the same people. You will probably think, oh she senses that but I've tried various ways to get closer but to no avail. I just wonder if it's normal for there to be a distance between mothers in law and their sons/daughters spouses?

I would say, just leave as it is. It might even be better not to be close and all you need to do is be pleasant and always let them know, you are there for them. Better because when you get too close, you will be crushed if the marriages fail at some point. Happened to me, twice.

My son's marriage fell apart less than a year, luckily no grandkids to miss being around though. And, he only knew her one year before they got married, so we all were in a very introductory phase of the relationship.

But, I really cared for his wife, she and I had a lot in common and I thought of her so much I bought her a "daughter "bracelet for her birthday. Her parents were awesome too. I still miss them all. But, it's ok.

My daughters marriage fell apart differently; her soul mate of 15 years left her while pregnant, and my grandson, for a younger girl who's dad left her mom ,interestingly , only 2 years prior.

It was heart wrenching and yes, on top of the pain I felt for my daughter and grandson, I myself had felt he was my second son....even had my son's name as his middle name!

Now all that caused my daughter to become someone else, got mad when I offered to be an ear for her and instead listening a lot to her sister in law who's a mother hater and now my relationship with my daughter is almost non existent.

We used to hang around, go places like two best friends and now the only time I see her is a visit with grandkids, which is getting less and less as time goes on. She even got so possessive of her son, who was close to me, to the point of trying to turn him against me,

Even my little granddaughter, who didn't buy into it at all though, luckily. When my grandson started treating me bad, I let my daughter know both of them had told me some things she'd been saying to them behind my back. Up until then, I just tried to say nothing to her or them much.

She claimed it wasn't like that and that I was being paranoid (kids directly told me, so no) and then proceeded to blame me and things in her childhood I had nothing or any control over.

But besides all that, I did in fact care for my son in law, who basically dumped us all. That hurt too. It all hurts.

So, I had a close relationship with both my kid's exes and it just ended up in pain. So be glad, that will not happen to you, keep your distance, just be there when needed, be pleasant, let her know you care but don't worry about her caring back or if you two spend a lot of time together.

Just be glad things are running smooth and the family is all together. That is what is important.

I'm not having an easy time with DiL. We were closer, but my abusive husband (split 3 years now) was very abusive to her too and somehow we've never regained what there was before. That, is very sad but......

but I do suspect it's not just that - its just a bit a classic DiL MiL issue, that some DiL's "don't want to share their man" ie one's son. I get the odd put down (which I challenge lightly)

I tread carefully and things are OK. They have a difficult life - one severely disabled child, they don't get the time together they really need and I live too far away to help.

I'd also agree that it's partly a matter of chance. You can't just get on with anyone because they marry your son, if they are very different sort of people.

I loved both my MILs - they were better to me than my own mother. One (step) FIL was a darling who could not do enough for me.

My DIL is a very very busy woman, but she is there for me any time, and she accepts and appreciates any help I offer.

My MIL is a horrible person who I haven't had to see for many years now. I am thankful in this instance that we live in different states so it was easy to remove myself from her line of fire.

My future SIL is a wonderful man who reminds me of my husband at that age. In this instance, she really did marry her father and I couldn't be more happy because he is an amazing man too.

My daughter in law never communicates with me even if it's an emergency.
Neither are gifts acknowledged.
I've given up sending them.

In the beginning , I was thrilled that my son had met someone else having had a traumatic break up with his long term girlfriend.
My son could not get work in her country and she could ,
but did not want to work here.

I don't know what is wrong with my DIL ,but their house is an unhygienic tip and she struggles with coping even with her own own appearance and hygiene.
She uses people as unpaid domestics or to do DIY.
She's very easily offended and can make nasty comments.
It's like walking on eggshells.

I'd hoped to have a great relationship with her having found my mother in law intimidating.
I'm so disappointed.

Just catching up on the replies.
There are some lucky ladies out there.
I have tried very hard but now I just accept that things are what they are.
ALLALONG AGATHA - when I said My DIL does nothing for me, an example was when I was very poorly in hospital she never once visited me when I came out and I was housebound for several weeks. I don't think she had a close relationship with her own mother so maybe has no role model. I do accept the situation and I still try hard to please, I just wondered how other people's experiences compared.

I’m actually ok with both of my sons wives there has been issues inthe past that I’ve been upset about but don’t say anything. As long as they make my sons happy I keep my mouth shut.m

We have five - two sons in law and three daughters in law and I care for all of them quite a lot. They’re all wonderful people , loving parents and good spouses to our kids. We are closer to some than others , as we see them more often , or they are closer geographically but over all we get on well. I am espeically close to two of my daughters in law, we speak more often than my sons and I do at times 😂. The third daughter in law is also lovely and while we are very different people she is a fantastic mother, and my son adores her so we’ve made the choice to meet her where she’s at. Overall she tends to be more of a homebody , but she’s slowly coming out of her she’ll around our large family. We enjoy what we get.

Some very interesting and varied replies - thanks to all who took the time.
It doesn't bother me or affect me that much, as long as she treats my son and grandchildren well but that's another story.
We will never be close but I was just curious as to how others fared.

Mine are both ex’s as both my AC are divorced.
I saw a lot of ex DiL because of my GD and when she remarried and had 2 more C I became close to them and still am but it grows more distant with time and changing circumstances, we still get together occasionally.
My ex SiL, with whom we got on well, holidaying together for years, always at our expense, just cut off all contact when they separated and didn’t even get in touch when my H died which surprised me but his parents kept in touch for quite a long time until they became old and ill, we still exchanged Christmas cards until they died.
Part of life’s rich pattern.

In a way it's reassuring to read this. I have two daughters and a son and they have all married disagreeable people, or at the very least people with whom I have nothing in common, and they all for some reason seem manipulative. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive?

I've got two sons, one is single the other is married. My DIL is lovely, she works hard, is a loving wife to my son, and a brilliant mummy to my two granddaughters. We all get on like a house on fire, spend lots of time together (I help with childcare), and have just booked a week's holiday together. We are all easy going people and enjoy one another's company. I hope we will be lucky with any future wife my other son may have in the future. We would welcome her with open arms 🤗

Nice to know that it varies quite a bit whether inlaws get on.
The Sun Rises - you are lucky, enjoy your holiday
Several years ago I treated my son and DIL and kids to a British holiday 2 years running as they were pretty broke, .Following year I was told early on in the year not to plan again as they had something planned for themselves.
C'est la vie!

Like our son in law very much indeed. A good man who cares so much for our daughter and grandchild.

I’m with the “daughter in law is a bitch” gang. I’ve posted a thread about how I wanted my son to leave his marriage. She has now revealed a six- month affair with a (married) work colleague. Now says she didn’t like her $30000 wedding (it was beautiful), and has moved out. We are giving our son emotional support, and saying NOTHING about her. We cannot tell him how relieved we sre

I “get on” with my DiL. She is my son’s second wife - his first died before we really had a chance to get to know each other properly as they were both in the services and away from us most of the time. DS remarried and at one stage he was very unhappy in the relationship which made DH and I unhappy too. However all that is in the past. She and I could not be more unalike. Have really nothing in common, but she makes more of an effort with me than she should have to.

I adore my SiL. He is quiet, calm and patient. Always willing to let me run things past him if I have a problem and generous with his time.

An interesting thread.I get on fine with my SIL’s thankfully they’re both hard working family men and will help if anyone in the family needs them.I hear from friends that younger inlaws aren’t always a help and some are a hindrance!
I do think tho that we will all maybe never know how they feel about us, even if we happily believe they like us.🤔
Ah well, all part of the rich tapestry of life.

I second everything Hithere has said on the thread. Ultimately, it’s perfectly normal that we won’t always have much in common or close relationships with in laws. All that matters is mutual respect.

I will add that I get on great with my DIL and both my SILs. Part of that has to do with the fact that I don’t involve myself in their personal/marital affairs, nor am I critical of the decisions they make for their children. I think my DIL and SILs see that I respect them as the adults that they are. I don’t expect much back except the respect I give, and in return we have very organic, easy-going relationships.

I can honestly say I love m dil and my sil, excellent partners for my adult children but don't think it is reciprocated. I don't expect anything in return. It must be very nice to be included in their lives though and those that are have obviously cracked it.

That's a shame, Allsorts, what makes you think that? Your daughter-in-law and son-in-law may not be demonstrative, just because people don't show their love, doesn't mean they don't think a lot of you.

We have 3 sons in law and 2 outlaw daughters. We also have 2 ex daughters in law.

We get on really well with 2 sons in law, one of whom is stepfather to 2 dgc. He has been a much better father than there own and he and. DD3 have a son together. They are a great bunch.

DS2 is a brilliant stepfather to his 2 children.

I was just reading this thread when my DinL messaged. She’s absolutely lovely and is definitely the one I’d have chosen for my son! Her own Mum died suddenly but I’ve never felt she resented me in any way. My MinL was equally lovely. I know how fortunate I’ve been.

I've always liked my son in law, ever since we first met him when my daughter was 17 and he was 27. They didn't get together until she was 21 and have now been married for 29 years. He's American so we never did meet his parents, just 2 of his brothers who came over once.

I still get on with my son's ex. We have a lot in common, including my grandson. She's Hungarian so I only met her late mother a couple of times and, as she didn't speak English, never really got to know her.