I’m the DIL and I’m looking for some perspective on what might possibly be going through my MIL’s head.
I’ve been with my husband for 15 years. Initially I got on well with his mum, but things began to sour around the time we got married and then with each subsequent big life event – buying a house, having our first baby (her first grandchild).
She is a difficult woman – my husband and FIL would both say this themselves. Her way of dealing with issues is passive aggression: sour faces, tension, and insisting that everything is “fine”, so I’m left guessing what the problem actually is.
Over the years I tried to brush it aside and keep things pleasant on a surface level. However, I reached my limit after the birth of my son, who is now one. Initially she was visiting once a week and announced that this was the frequency she wanted. Once my husband went back to work, I naturally wanted this to slow down as it was becoming too much for me. When we visited them, it could only be for a couple of hours due to travel time and needing to work around our son’s naps and feeds.
This then turned into more sour faces and obvious tension when we did see her, which in turn made us pull back even more.
My husband spoke to his dad, who admitted that MIL was jealous that my mum sees our son more. That is true – my mum lives closer and I’m naturally more comfortable with her. I also didn’t have a strong relationship with my MIL to begin with, so prioritising her visits wasnt a priority.
I tried to address the tension directly with my MIL and mentioned what my FIL had said about jealousy. This was met with “sorry you feel that way” and denial that there was any problem. We tried again with visits, but nothing changed.
I don’t cope well with passive conflict. I’m direct (not confrontational, but honest), so my husband and I decided to have a sit-down conversation with both MIL and FIL to clear the air once and for all. This backfired badly. I raised other instances over the years to highlight the pattern of behaviour, and I’ll admit it felt good to finally get it off my chest. This was met with denial and then both of them turning on me – including my FIL, which surprised me given what he’d previously said to my husband. I suppose he felt he had to back her. My husband stayed neutral, which I found frustrating, though he says he was trying to keep things calm.
This was around four months ago. I haven’t spoken to them since and they haven’t seen our son, husband has kept in contact. The situation was causing me so much stress and taking up far too much headspace during what should have been a happy time that I didn’t even want to hear about them.
My husband was expecting an apology, but none came. A few weeks ago I finally received a text along the lines of “hoping we can all move forward”, with no acknowledgement of what happened.
For me, the damage is done. I do feel for my husband and I will be supportive of him to take our son to see them, but it will be infrequent as we already have busy lives. I will not be present as i currently do not have any interest in building the relationship back up.
I just can’t wrap my head around why she behaved this way, or why she couldn’t see the damage she was causing. It feels like she went completely the wrong way about trying to get what she wanted.
Drop the rope with your ILs, enjoy your life and baby
You are 10000% right is not your role to coordinate visits with her
After your update at 14:13, she is not a good person
Your dh is the key here.
He did not have a close relationship with his mother before baby, he and his father consider mil difficult....
This is not coming from nowhere, it has been brewing for a while
Grandmabatty
Your mum sees her grandchild frequently while your husband's mum doesn't- your decision, not his.
You confront her with a list of all her apparent failings and were surprised she didn't take it well?
They reached out and send a card hoping to move forward but you took umbrage at that too?
I don't think she's the issue, I'm afraid.
I don’t think that MIL is the issue either!
You haven't done anything wrong. You were always close to your mother and always saw her frequently, you were not close to your MIL. All you have done is maintain the relationships that existed previously. If you are the primary caretaker and husband is generally working then why on earth would you want to go and visit with someone who causes you anxiety and is generally unpleasant to be around. Her expectations and feelings are hers to deal with and are not your issue. If necessary, speak to a therapist but your focus should just be on acceptance that this is who she is. Her non-apology text encouraging you to rug sweep and move on shows she's not very emotionally immature as she can't self reflect, take accountability for her behaviour that has caused this dynamic in the first place and genuinely apologise. She's putting her ego before a relationship with your little family because she doesn't want to have to say sorry. You can't control or change another grown adult so leave her to it.
Apologies, meant to say she's not emotionally mature
Err…sorry but the OP has done plenty wrong.
Inviting the in laws round to tell MIL all the faults from years ago and ‘getting it off the chest’ was the worse thing to do.
The MIL knows that the DIL doesn’t like her now and has been resentful. MIL offered then to put it behind them but entitled DIL won’t even accept that.Jeez!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message deleted by Gransne as it quotes a withdrawn post.
I do feel for you. The problem is, we cannot ever change other people's personalities, but we can protect ourselves with how we react.
I have always chosen to love and respect the people who love and respect me.
You did the right thing; you let her know how you feel.
Remember, you get to choose your friends in this life, but you are stuck with families .
Interesting that your husband and FIL wouldn't back you. Not at all surprised about your FIL, how awful to tell her what her husband had said. I'm sure he never imagined that would be repeated and you obviously couldn't careless about making things awkward for him. You should definitely apologise to him for that.
Surreysister1466
Have to say, I’m with you. Your mil’s behaviour wouldn’t have endeared her to anyone. Once a week visiting is way too much.
Let your husband take your little one to visit in laws and you enjoy some time just for you.
It’s hard enough being a first time mum without an attitude like that from mil. I disagree with some of the less than kind comments made. Sending you hugs.
HappyNan1
Surreysister1466
Have to say, I’m with you. Your mil’s behaviour wouldn’t have endeared her to anyone. Once a week visiting is way too much.
Let your husband take your little one to visit in laws and you enjoy some time just for you.
It’s hard enough being a first time mum without an attitude like that from mil. I disagree with some of the less than kind comments made. Sending you hugs.
Do you really think what she did to her FIL was OK? She talks about drama, how much drama did she cause with that?
I will get it removed. I was texting someone . Oops.
Oh dear she does sound dreadful.
And you sound just like her in so many ways.
He’s married his mother. I think quite a lot of men do.
I have 2 ds.i.l. One is an only child and very close to her parents. In the early days, she (my son’s m.i.l.) used to refer to the GC as ‘my girls’ , in my presence. It used to hurt and annoy me. Now I just think, it is what it is.
The other is a sweet girl, who tries to involve me in most things.
I can only imagine the ones castigating you have shown the same behaviour to their own DILs.
It is your husband's responsibility to maintain his family's relationship with his parents, as you do yours. When parents of sons finally bring their sons up to realise this, relationships with their DILs would be far better.
Surreysister1466
For context here’s a snapshot of what i got off my chest and explained how hurtful it was to both me and my husband…
Ignored me on my wedding day
Refused to come to our housewarming party because she didnt like we had moved out of town (1hr away)
Caused drama with the first Christmas day we hosted because she didnt like she had to share it with my parents.
Told me i needed to have another baby in case something happens to our son - she knew our history of miscarriages so this one stung in those early weeks postpartum when we were already worried.
Constantly talks bad about my BIL and his girlfriend who she has outright said she is not good enough for him. BIL has said she has similar coversations with them about us.
Then on top of all of that make my life difficult post partum after sweeping things under the rug for years. There becomes a point where you reach your limit and she needed to be told how hurtful she can be after being enabled for years.
Perhaps you were involving her too much in your life?
Don't tell her your medical history, miscarriages, when mum visits. Politely hold her at a distance if you must interract. Never explain or complain...
I'd draw a line under the past, wait silently for this to pass.
This is what hurt my husband the most, that even if she didnt mean it, all she had to do was hold her hand up and apologise for the sake of the relationship but she couldnt even do that.
Why would i not repeat it? It was the justification given for her behaviour.
Surreysister1466
Why would i not repeat it? It was the justification given for her behaviour.
Do you think your FIL wanted her to know he'd been talking to your husband about her? Was your husband happy that you repeated something that was said to him? Did you imagine she'd be happy to hear it?
Come on you knew it would cause upset, you can't be that naive
Ok. You've updated us on what you actually said when getting it off your chest
Can I now suggest that you see her infrequently and keep the conversation general and short.
How about politics! 😂
I still think you should keep communications open and think of your DH.
I was slightly terrified of my DMiL when we first met. She was beautiful, clever, witty and successful. Occasionally I would have a meltdown on my way to stay with my in-laws and DH had to console me and keep me from leaving.
Over the years our relationship improved. I was more confident. She stopped showing off and we knew where we stood.
She outlived my DH (her DS) and I used to take her out about once a week. As she became very old, she lost her filters and told me once, to my amusement, that our wedding was the worst wedding she'd ever been to!
She lived till she was 98 and I miss her.
Blue18
I can only imagine the ones castigating you have shown the same behaviour to their own DILs.
It is your husband's responsibility to maintain his family's relationship with his parents, as you do yours. When parents of sons finally bring their sons up to realise this, relationships with their DILs would be far better.
Imagine away, I have three DsIL and have great relationships with two of them, the other one lives further away and I don't see her as much but we've never had any problems.
I also have a very good relationship with my SIL.
Grammaretto
Ok. You've updated us on what you actually said when getting it off your chest
Can I now suggest that you see her infrequently and keep the conversation general and short.
How about politics! 😂
I still think you should keep communications open and think of your DH.
I was slightly terrified of my DMiL when we first met. She was beautiful, clever, witty and successful. Occasionally I would have a meltdown on my way to stay with my in-laws and DH had to console me and keep me from leaving.
Over the years our relationship improved. I was more confident. She stopped showing off and we knew where we stood.
She outlived my DH (her DS) and I used to take her out about once a week. As she became very old, she lost her filters and told me once, to my amusement, that our wedding was the worst wedding she'd ever been to!
She lived till she was 98 and I miss her.
My late MIL told my husband I was having an affair in front of me. She based this on how I said my bosses name (it was double barrelled which was suspicious for some reason) and we both laughed at her. I still visited her.
When we told her we were expecting her second GC she went in the kitchen started shouting and smashing dishes. She came back in when she'd got control of herself and pretended nothing had happened. I still visited her.
When I read a thread like this, I’m so very glad and not for the first time, that I have daughters. I would never stand in the way of the other granny getting her share of the grandchildren. Most young mums are happy to accept help especially if they work all week. Maybe weekly visits are too much but what about monthly? All this poor woman wants is access to her grandchild. She probably couldn’t care less if she didn’t see you OP and probably wishes her dear son had never met you, and who could honestly blame her. Try to show some kindness and let her see her grandchild which is really all she wants.
And what do i owe them given the behaviour ive been dealing with? If they cant bear the speak to truth open and honestly then they shouldnt have said it or behaved the way they have done in the first place. Im sorry but i dont understand your rationale
If that comment is aimed at me I don’t understand your rationale either. What do you want to achieve?
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