DIL here, perspective please with strained relationship with MIL.

Surreysister
You have received comments that I fully expected.
What a lot of the older generation won’t accept is that young women don’t have to/ will not put up with these jealous bitter mother in laws. Those days are over.

Surreysister1466

We both work full time so weekend is the only time we have to spare and it is onerous for us.

Fair enough. Tea on Friday night? Granny leaves at bath time?

My MIL was beyond excited when I gave birth to her first grandchild, even more so as it was a boy! She couldn't keep away from our house in the early months and it became overwhelming but I could never have told her as it would have hurt her feelings so much.

I don’t understand this. Why were your MILs feelings more important than yours?

HappyNan1

Surreysister1466

Have to say, I’m with you. Your mil’s behaviour wouldn’t have endeared her to anyone. Once a week visiting is way too much.
Let your husband take your little one to visit in laws and you enjoy some time just for you.
It’s hard enough being a first time mum without an attitude like that from mil. I disagree with some of the less than kind comments made. Sending you hugs.

I think Mil would be delighted with this arrangement.

petra

Surreysister
You have received comments that I fully expected.
What a lot of the older generation won’t accept is that young women don’t have to/ will not put up with these jealous bitter mother in laws. Those days are over.

Speak for yourself, I am not jealous or bitter, the exact opposite. I don't have time for people like the OP.
I would not apologise or put up
with a dil telling me about my past misdemeanours. We only have the OP version of events, we have not heard from the MIL.
You also talk about the older generation, I find that patronising. In my opinion people my age don't have to put up with rude, demanding dil/sil, you know the ones we are always reading about on here, look at the estrangement thread.
I am glad my family live and let live. No generational issues, no one Gran being more important than the other, not that I care. We don't talk about boundaries and we have a normal family life. No dil/sil of mine would behave like you. I would show them the door.

should say OP, not you.

petra

Surreysister
You have received comments that I fully expected.
What a lot of the older generation won’t accept is that young women don’t have to/ will not put up with these jealous bitter mother in laws. Those days are over.

Absolutely. I do feel sorry for the older generation, many of them had to put up with behaviour they couldn’t question. It helps explain why silence is still expected, because that’s what they were taught. But just because they had to tolerate it doesn’t mean we should.

@rafi

I don’t think anyone is calling all older women jealous or bitter — if that doesn’t apply to you, then it isn’t about you. But saying “I’d show them the door” kind of proves the point being made. Many women were expected to stay silent and accept things for the sake of peace, and it explains why speaking up now is often seen as rude or demanding. Acknowledging that isn’t patronising, it’s recognising that standards have changed. Live and let live works both ways.

I sympathise... your MIL does seem difficult...( as we all are to some degree) at the same time she will have her perspective on this and it's likely to be mixed up in the Mil vs mum tension that is so common.
My advice is to avoid an estrangement or a cold war at all costs. Give up needing everything to be warm and fuzzy: dont try to understand her or be understood. Find your level of contact. Whether once a month or a ohone call or text message..whatever suits, but please don't hold a grudge. As others have said, be the mature woman, keep your heart generous and matter of fact. People are complex but life is precious. I have a tricky prickly mil too and have got into a rhythm which respects her but protects me too. Take care xxx

Yes Surrey it does work both ways, thats why I would like to hear your MIL side of things.

I still would not tolerate how you went about things, no apologies, and if I was threatened with not seeing the Grandchild so be it. Honestly would not bother me if you did not want to see me again. No one put boundaries on me.

Live and let live works both ways

Indeed it does. What you have here is a situation involving you, your son, your husband and your MIL, with your FIL superficially involved. The baby won't care at this stage, but out of the others, who is happy?

My guess is not your husband or your MIL, and your FIL would, presumably, prefer things to be on an even keel with his wife and son, which leaves you. Are you happy with how things are? If so, you don't need any of us to support you, and if not, all you need to do is take your own advice and live and let live.

rafichagran

Yes Surrey it does work both ways, thats why I would like to hear your MIL side of things.

I still would not tolerate how you went about things, no apologies, and if I was threatened with not seeing the Grandchild so be it. Honestly would not bother me if you did not want to see me again. No one put boundaries on me.

I should introduce you to my MIL, you’d probably get on.

Doodledog

*Live and let live works both ways*

Indeed it does. What you have here is a situation involving you, your son, your husband and your MIL, with your FIL superficially involved. The baby won't care at this stage, but out of the others, who is happy?

My guess is not your husband or your MIL, and your FIL would, presumably, prefer things to be on an even keel with his wife and son, which leaves you. Are you happy with how things are? If so, you don't need any of us to support you, and if not, all you need to do is take your own advice and live and let live.

That assumes harmony is the responsibility of the person setting boundaries rather than the person whose behaviour caused the problem. “Live and let live” doesn’t mean one person swallowing discomfort so others can stay comfortable. And framing it as a happiness tally, as if women should measure themselves by how content others are, is exactly the outdated thinking being challenged here.

Thanks for the offer Surrey but I have family and friend's of my own, don't need more.

Yes, if true your Mother in law did behave badly, but you are no better. Please note you stated your MIL is passive aggresive, I am not, you would have been told that I will not tolerate you talking to me like that. Also I would not reach out to you. I have enough in other areas in my life going on.

rafichagran

Yes Surrey it does work both ways, thats why I would like to hear your MIL side of things.

I still would not tolerate how you went about things, no apologies, and if I was threatened with not seeing the Grandchild so be it. Honestly would not bother me if you did not want to see me again. No one put boundaries on me.

Where has the OP threatened with not seeing the grandchild
She hasn’t. Those words are in your head.
What she has said is: i will be supportive of him to take our son to see them

A couple of things have occurred to me rereading this. If someone is in a full time job with a one year old with no time to themselves how are they free to post long messages on here all afternoon? Is this some sort of set up or scam? Wouldn’t the baby need attention? I’m just wondering are we all being had here?

I suggest you read your own initial post from your mother in law’s perspective, which may give you more insight into how you are coming over to others Surreysister1466. To move forward you must learn to listen as well as speak.

rafichagran

Thanks for the offer Surrey but I have family and friend's of my own, don't need more.

Yes, if true your Mother in law did behave badly, but you are no better. Please note you stated your MIL is passive aggresive, I am not, you would have been told that I will not tolerate you talking to me like that. Also I would not reach out to you. I have enough in other areas in my life going on.

You’re saying “live and let live,” yet also saying you’d cut contact, refuse a conversation, and feel unaffected by losing access to a grandchild. That isn’t live and let live, that’s disengagement on your terms only. Boundaries aren’t about tolerating being spoken to badly, they’re about addressing behaviour so things don’t escalate to estrangement in the first place. Choosing not to reflect or engage is your right, but it doesn’t make the other person “no better.”

Silvershadow

A couple of things have occurred to me rereading this. If someone is in a full time job with a one year old with no time to themselves how are they free to post long messages on here all afternoon? Is this some sort of set up or scam? Wouldn’t the baby need attention? I’m just wondering are we all being had here?

Slow day at work and our son has been in nursery today. I also have a modern husband that helps share the load

Unless I'm mistaken Surreysister, you've made the decision to not see your in laws and your husband will continue to see his parents and enable them to see their GS, so I don't understand why you've mentioned swallowing discomfort so others can stay comfortable.

It's a sensible solution to the problem.

Surreysister1466

Silvershadow

A couple of things have occurred to me rereading this. If someone is in a full time job with a one year old with no time to themselves how are they free to post long messages on here all afternoon? Is this some sort of set up or scam? Wouldn’t the baby need attention? I’m just wondering are we all being had here?

Slow day at work and our son has been in nursery today. I also have a modern husband that helps share the load

Hmmmm.

Summerlove

*My MIL was beyond excited when I gave birth to her first grandchild, even more so as it was a boy! She couldn't keep away from our house in the early months and it became overwhelming but I could never have told her as it would have hurt her feelings so much.*

I don’t understand this. Why were your MILs feelings more important than yours?

Maybe I was too exhausted to challenge her in the early months of motherhood, I don't know. What I do know is that we muddled through and eventually bonded over my lovely little boy. Not having my own mother around, my MIL became a big help to me and she remained bestotted with my son until the day she died. Even when my marriage to her son broke down and she was by then a widow, we had respect for each other.

There is a saying "you can choose your friends but you can't choose your relatives". In my case, I couldn't choose my MIL but I could choose how I reacted to her behaviour and ultimately, my son benefitted from the love of a relationship with her as his only, doting grandmother.

@petra “ Where has the OP threatened with not seeing the grandchild
She hasn’t. Those words are in your head.
What she has said is: i will be supportive of him to take our son to see them”

Some of these responses feel less like engagement with what ive actually said and more like projection. It seems a few people could be recognising themselves in the behaviour I’ve described and reacting defensively to that, rather than addressing the situation as it is.

Smileless2012

Unless I'm mistaken Surreysister, you've made the decision to not see your in laws and your husband will continue to see his parents and enable them to see their GS, so I don't understand why you've mentioned swallowing discomfort so others can stay comfortable.

It's a sensible solution to the problem.

That statement was in response to another user that finds what ive done unreasonable, to as you say, and i agree with, and sensible solution to the problem.

I think you were hoping that a person who hasn't probably ever self examined and has set views and expectations and maybe isnt very insightful about the effect she has on others:

could step up to quite a complex, psychologically complex, and confrontational discussion in order to "clear the air" and move forward.

But tbh, my generation which is your MiL's weren't brought up, and many aren't generally familiar with this way of dealing with matters.

Yet because you have asked us I cant help wondering...

.... if you DO want to find a way ahead to find some kind of contact.

Smileless is quite right just above in saying that your husband taking your child to see his mum is a good way forward as he can cope with her. she will be pleased to see him and indeed possibly "have him to herself" for a bit.

This, I think, you need to tolerate.

You'll find, as you get older yourself, that estrangement, is not a happy one, although most definitely best for some family situations. Either your MiL or FiL are going to get ill and die one before the other, sadly there will be matters your husband will have to be involved in and you may out of necessity.

So for yourself, I suggest some formal "Every so often" arrangement that involves something like an outing, ie outside things to draw the intensity out of the meet up. Find things to talk about with her that don't involve feelings.